


Story of Us

by luxshine



Category: NSYNC, Popslash
Genre: AU, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-19
Updated: 2011-03-20
Packaged: 2017-10-17 03:03:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 101,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/172235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luxshine/pseuds/luxshine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Missing chances and a stroke of bad luck lead to Chris leaving Florida before he formed *N Sync. But the group was created, they became international stars and... where was Chris all that time?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I knew I loved you before I met you

**Author's Note:**

> AU. This is the second time I play with this particular idea, so those who read the first version of the story, around 2001/2002 might find some familiar stuff, although practically everything turned out different from the first version. So it's a completely new story based on one big change in the story of *N Sync.  
> With many thanks to Milosflaca for her unending support, Jewelianna, EvilShelley and Pensnest for their excellent beta work. Any mistakes left are my own.

January, 1995.

As his shift finally ended, Christopher Allan Kirkpatrick, known as Chris to his friends and as That Weird Guy to everyone else, walked a little tiredly to the dressing room of the Universal Studios before going back to his apartment. He wanted to call his mom and hear his sisters' voices before heading out to the McDonalds where he was supposed to meet a friend from the audition circle.

Although many told him he was insane Chris had a plan for the future. The plan had been formed years before, when he was starting college, but only now, in Orlando, it was starting to take shape. His first love was music, even when he had studied psychology to bring food to the table, and he thought he could form a group, a harmonizing quartet, if he only could find other three guys with good voices.

So far, he had only shared the main points of the plan -those who went farther than just 'I think I would like to sing in a group'- with six people: His mother, his four sisters, and Justin, a 14 year old kid he had meet while waiting for a chance in a commercial. Even though there were 10 years between the two, they had become friends, Chris had found himself sharing his ideas with the kid who also had a nice voice, one that sounded like if it could get great with time.

Justin had liked the plan and had insisted on introducing him to someone else who had a great voice -a friend from his short time as a Mousketeer. Chris still hadn't thought beyond actually finding the guys, but he had the feeling this was a good step in the right direction.

As he was going out of the dressing room, he bumped into a guy who was coming in, quite hurried.

"Sorry" he mumbled, looking up at he same time the guy was taking off the werewolf mask he had been wearing.

"No, I'm sorry, I didn't saw where I was going." The man smiled, offering Chris his hand. "It's my first day and..."

"Kirkpatrick!" His boss's voice echoed through the small room. "Phone call! It's urgent!"

"That's me. See you around." Chris smiled to the kid and went running to the office, a little worried.

There were very few people who would call him at work.

* * *

April, 2000

"Chris!! Please, you've got to say yes!"

Chris looked up from the tests he was reviewing to his overly exited sister. The first thing that came to his mind was not that she shouldn't be running and yelling, but that she was very much like him.

Only younger, and female.

"If you tell me the question, maybe. If you want to get out of the test next Monday, you're out of luck."

Emily pouted, but it was her normal 'I hate that my brother is my english teacher' pout, and not a 'I'm not getting what I want' pout, so Chris didn't worry. Ever since he had started working at Emerson High, Emily had never tried to get any special treatment from him, and he didn't expect her to start now.

"You know that group I love? *N sync?" When Chris nodded, she smiled. "Jennifer just told me that Cindy told her that Maria found out that they're going to do all their tour rehearsals right here on Albany!"

"And?" Chris already had an idea of what was Emily going to ask, and was doing mental math to see how much could he save to help her buy tickets for a good seat at a concert, if the tour started there or the band played near enough.

"Please? Could you take me and my friends there? They might do a meet and greet! Or we could get lucky and see them as they get out of their buses! Please, I'll die if I don't at least try to see them once!"

Chris had never denied his sister anything, and he wasn't going to start now. Besides, he had to admit to himself he was a little bit curious. The first time he had heard Emily rave about *N Sync, she had shown him a picture. Chris had been pleasantly surprised to recognize one of his old friends from Orlando.

Chris wasn't usually the type to look back. He usually lived life one day at a time, and didn't stop to wonder about what-ifs and what-nots. He'd lived that way ever since he had left Orlando, because his mom was sick, so much that the doctors knew she didn't had much time left. When she died and his step-father had been killed in an accident, the only one left to take care of his sisters was himself. Chris had shelved his plan in the back of his mind, called Justin to apologize and left to be the responsible adult of the Kirkpatrick family.

Now, almost five years later, he was happy with his family, he loved being a teacher, and every Saturday night he performed at a local coffee shop that doubled as an amateur night bar. So at first, seeing that poster, Chris had felt like his dream had been fulfilled without him and, for that reason, he hadn't paid attention to the group or to what Emily had to say about them. Now, though, months later, he could admit to himself that he wanted to see up close how Justin had done for himself.

* * *

Joey watched the city below from his hotel room window, and wondered exactly how had he ended there.

A mere four years before he had been starting a new job at Universal in Orlando, still getting more rejections than anything else in the audition circle, and generally wondering if he was going to be one more unemployed actor when a chance encounter in a club had changed everything.

Although he and JC had been friends for years, he hadn't know that JC had hooked up with a friend from the MMC days or that they were planning to make a band. Joey had had his doubts upon meeting Justin, since the kid was only fourteen, but after a couple of hours talking about music the kid had won him over.

The next day, JC had called him and invited him to try and make a demo and next thing Joey knew, they were calling Justin's old vocal teacher to try and find a fourth voice. They were actually making a group.

When people asked about his reaction now, he always answered that he always knew that it was a great idea.

Back then? He couldn't even dream that things would get so big in so little time.

He also was always smiling on interviews, always happy and optimistic even when Justin started on the absent fifth member of the group that no one else had even met and who Joey sometimes thought didn't exist at all. Most of the time, though, the smile was a stage smile. He was happy, and wouldn't deny it, but the truth was that sometimes, he wished everything was different, or at least, that he could hit the pause button of his life and have a break.

After they had got a contract with Transcon and Pearlman -who would forever star in Joey's most awful nightmares- and went to Germany, a break was exactly what they didn't get. Even now, with Pearlman and his 20-hour days a thing of the past, they still had to do so much that he was pretty sure he was going to drop dead before the No Strings Attached tour even started.

Albany was going to be their home for a month or so, and then it was back on the road. No more rest, until the time came to get the next new record ready, and they had just finished this one. Just thinking about how far away that would be made him feel even more tired.

Despite his exhaustion, though, he couldn't shake the feeling that they were on the edge of something really big.

* * *

Chris sighed, feeling tired.

It had been a week of hell at school, since everyone was still exited about spring break and more or less getting ready for summer vacation, forgetting that there were months of school left somewhere in the middle of it. Since he was one of the less strict teachers, the students took advantage of that, the other teachers never missed a chance to berate him, and the principal had it in for him ever since the school festival a year before, when he had been the mastermind of the choir mutiny because the kids simply refused to sing what the school intended them to sing.

Thank god it was Friday night.

He already knew that the next day he would be driving Emily and her friends -probably Kate too, if she didn't got the Saturday shift at the store- to the stadium where she had heard that her favorite group was rehearsing. He wondered why she didn't want to stalk the hotel, but was afraid to ask because it might give her ideas.

As it was, he already had mixed feelings about the whole thing, and the only reason why he wasn't pleading out of it was because Emily had been looking forward to it so much that she had been in her best behavior all week.

Right now, he only wanted a shower, and bed. He needed to forget all about the world for at least eight hours before he started grading homework in a parking lot surrounded by screaming girls. He didn't fool himself into thinking that maybe just Emily and her best friends would be there. He still hadn't told her he knew Justin, mostly because he didn't think Justin would remember him. They had been friends for just a couple of months, and Chris figured fame could do weird things to a kid's mind, so it was better not to feed Emily's hopes. If Justin remembered him, and if they could talk, then Emily would be happily surprised.

That was enough to make him smile and give him energy to go up the stairs, at the same time the phone rang.

* * *

Joey entered the bar, carefully avoiding everyone's eyes.

After the long day rehearsals left him convinced that they would never manage to master the new choreographies in time for the tour, he only wanted some peace. The others had decided to stay in the hotel, but he was starting to feel tired of the same four walls and after a lot of pleading, he had managed to get out only accompanied of the minimum security needed.

Once he had found the bar, small and hidden, he had then pleaded to Lonnie for just two hours alone. His bodyguard hadn't liked the idea, but after a lot of bargaining they had reached a compromise. Joey could stay in the bar for two hours, and Lonnie would be watching him from a safe distance without interfering unless absolutely necessary as long as Joey promised to leave without complaining as soon as the two hours were up.

Lonnie was the only one in the whole crew who knew that Joey wasn't strictly heterosexual, which was the reason Joey was grateful that Lonnie was the one who usually kept an eye on him. Things were hard enough already, and he couldn't even dream about picking up dates, but at least with Lonnie's help he could at least have a few minutes of fun.

He was sadly aware that when -if, his mind always provided- *N Sync became a huge success, his few hours would disappear. He couldn't even think of risking being outed in the media, as he also had to think about his friends' reactions to the news, and how their audience would never accept a gay teen idol. His mother knew, and so did Kelly, his old girlfriend, but they were the only ones.

He had always felt quite comfortable keeping his sexuality a secret and private, but as the group started getting some success, he had found that secrecy quite limiting. He was starting to fear that he would be single forever.

Almost absent mindedly, he looked around the bar. There were many couples there that night, but there were also a fair number of people sitting alone. It looked even smaller inside, so Joey could guess that most were regulars, knew each other by name, and that before long, he would be pegged as the outsider.

So, in a way, it was a good thing that he only had two hours.

As he turned around to order a beer, someone caught his eye.

A short man was sitting alone at a table near the wall of the bar, looking at his beer with an incredibly sad expression, although from time to time he watched at the empty seat in front of him. There was something eerily familiar about him, something that Joey couldn't pinpoint at that moment, so he ordered his beer and, trying not to be too obvious, stared at the man, trying to remember where he had seen him before.

* * *

The beer.

The chair.

The beer.

Chris finally decided that looking at his half empty beer was a lot better than looking at the empty chair, if he was trying to forget what had just happened.

While the beer reminded him he was a loser, the chair reminded that Danny had been sitting there an hour ago.

It wasn't as if Chris hadn't seen the break up coming it was just that he hadn't had the courage to bring it up and so the fact that Danny had decided to end their relationship had been a surprise.

Since meeting Danny, Chris had wondered a lot why they had hooked up, why they had lasted two years together when they had nothing in common. Danny was an interior designer who worked in L.A. and New York, occasionally to Chicago, and rarely ever spent time at home, in Albany. Chris was just an English literature teacher in a public high school, taking care of his family. There was nothing much there to build a common ground. Sure, Chris had two college degrees, and most of his teachers thought he had been somewhat of a genius, but that meant nothing to him or to Danny. Danny was the successful one. Chris was just Chris.

But it had been nice to be with Danny, to have someone to hold at night, when they could be in Danny's apartment: to have someone to talk to, even if Danny rarely was interested in Chris's boring life. Now, Danny had told him that it wasn't working for him. He had met someone else, a designer in L.A., and was moving out of Albany for good. That was the reason he had called Chris that afternoon, to give him the news in person.

At least he had been considerate enough to do that. Chris's last boyfriend had simply left one day and hadn't bothered to call ever again.

Chris knew that the beer in front of him didn't had the answers to his most burning questions: why he never found someone who wasn't a jerk, why he kept falling in love with jerks, why he kept acting as if he deserved the jerks especially since he knew it was just another way of running away from compromise because he was deadly afraid of being in a relationship that actually had a chance to work. The fact that his psychology degree only seemed to help him analyze himself was another thing he didn't want to look too closely at, or at least not while he was already working his way into a depression. He let his eyes roam around the bar, trying to find a familiar face. Maybe one of his friends would be there, and he wouldn't feel so alone that night.

It was then when he saw the stranger sitting by the bar, drinking a beer.

He was a young man, who had covered his head with a Superman baseball cap and was trying to blend in, looking nervous. Probably his first time at a gay bar, Chris mused, remembering his first time at the Little Cabaret. He wasn't really sure, but he thought he had seen that face somewhere else. Shrugging, he shook his head and returned to his staring contest with his beer.

He had just ended a two year old relationship with a jerk. It was not the time to do some small talk with a guy who looked exactly like his type.

As experience proved, his type were usually jerks.

* * *

After his fourth beer, Joey decided he couldn't just stay there staring.

At least an hour had passed since he had set his eyes on the other man, and no one had approached the empty seat. It didn't take a detective to know that the man had been either stood up or abandoned there.

That meant most probably a broken heart, which explained the sadness radiating from him.

He knew that man, Joey was sure of it, but he still couldn't pinpoint from where. And he wanted to know. It was a risk, of course, since he had long ago promised he would never pick up a random date, but curiosity was killing him.

He swallowed, thinking of a thousand ways to introduce himself to the deep eyed stranger that didn't sound like 'Hi, I'm a big star, wanna fuck?' But in the moment he left his beer down, his watch alarm started beeping.

His two hours had ended, and it was time to stop being a normal guy and go back to being Joey Fatone, from *N Sync.

A reverse Cinderella, whose pumpkin turned into a limousine at midnight.

He spared a look towards the sad man, knowing that he would never meet him again. He had missed his chance.

He could risk it, he knew. He could go, talk to him, and break his promise to Lonnie. That would make the big man come to get him, though, which probably would make a scene. But more important, it would mean he would lose Lonnie's trust, and any future chance of having some hours of peace away from everything.

He couldn't risk that. He still needed this, and no stranger was worth loosing it.

So he paid for his beers and walked towards the exit, where Lonnie was waiting for him. He did look back again to the other man, and for a second their eyes met. The stranger's eyes were brown, Joey sadly registered, before turning back and leaving the bar.

* * *

He had tried to ignore the fact that the tall stranger had been staring at him, even when he could feel the eyes on his back.

Chris had some experience being stared at. His own, somewhat unfortunate, choices of haircuts and clothes, combined with the fact that he never hid who he was and never kept his opinions to himself, and of course, his brief fling with fame when the local paper had decided to make news out of the fact that he was an out gay teacher at Emerson, combined with his weekend gigs singing at the Witch Cauldron made people curious about him. Usually, he could grin and bear it, and the curiosity died down after a couple of minutes. The stranger, however, had been staring at him for almost two hours without rest.

He couldn't muster the energy to go and ask him if he had 'I was just dumped now' tattooed on his forehead, especially since the kid really didn't look like a jerk, in the small glances that Chris had had of him.

Just when Chris was about to take the bull by the horns, to go there and ask the kid his name, the young man stood, paid his bill and left the bar, accompanied by a big, burly black man.

Not without sending a last glance towards Chris before leaving, though.

In that moment, their eyes meet. The guy had kind eyes, Chris figured, and sad. As if he was longing for something.

The strangest sense of deja-vu hit Chris at that moment. He was pretty sure that he had not only seen the kid before, he had seen him in a doorway, just like that. Where? He couldn't say. It was probably just a figment of his imagination anyway.

Still, for a moment he wished he had mustered the courage to go and talk to him before he left. He couldn't shake the feeling he had just missed a chance.

For some reason, seeing that man leave made him think of the small pang of longing that he had felt when he had seen that Justin had gone ahead and created a group. Not regret, but wonder. What would have happened if he had stayed in Orlando? What would have happened if he had talked to the Superman's cap guy?

Chris shook his head, trying to clear his head from those thoughts. It wasn't the time to start on that path, as it would only depress him. Depressed, he tended to do stupid things like calling his exes and trying to get back with them. So he finished his drink, and went to pay the bill, ready to go back to the house, sleep a few hours, and be ready to greet a new day with a smile.

And, if possible, forget the kind eyes of the stranger with the Superman baseball cap.

* * *

It was almost three in the morning, and Joey still couldn't sleep.

When he had arrived back to the hotel, close to midnight, the others were still up. None of them asked him where he had been, although Joey thought that Lance knew exactly where he had been.

Lance, sometimes, seemed to know way too much for his age. In fact, some days, it seemed as if Lance knew everything.

Joey had managed to have his freedom, short as it had been, without having pictures taken and with no problem at all. He should have felt grateful and had some rest before the day started with its normal packed schedule.

But Joey couldn't sleep. Every time he closed his eyes, he kept picturing the sad eyed stranger. The weird thing was that sometimes, the sad eyes weren't sad, and the stranger was smiling at Joey.

When he finally fell asleep, he was wishing he had a name to go with those sad, deep eyes.


	2. Hands Clean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chris takes his sister and friends to see *N Sync, Joey keeps obsessing over the stranger on the bar.

Joey was aware of the dirty looks that Wade was sending him. It was hard not to notice, since he had messed up in practically every single dance routine that morning.

He knew he could get them right, sooner or later, but in the first six or seven attempts, there was always something wrong. Either he missed a step, or went to fast, or forgot the sequence. Once he had even managed to trip JC, and it was Lance the one who usually did that when they started too early in the morning.

He really didn't care much for the dirty looks, or the confused looks that the rest of the group had for him.

It wasn't as if he didn't know the reason why he was so distracted that morning.

Everything was that guy's fault. For some reason, Joey hadn't been able to forget the sad-eyed stranger from the bar.

So when he was supposed to concentrate on where he put his right foot before flipping Lance, he was actually thinking how many possibilities he had of finding the sad eyed man in Albany. How many people lived there anyway? He couldn't actually go and call random strangers to ask them if they went to gay bars, so it made everything a lot harder and Joey was starting to loose all hope of seeing that guy again.

If only he could remember where he had seen him before, everything would be a lot easier for him to forget.

It didn't matter anyway: Sad Eyes had been probably waiting for someone and that someone had surely arrived later, and now Sad Eyes was happy with him. Joey really figured he should stop fantasizing about a total stranger's life.

Besides, it wasn't as if he was moving to Albany. They were there to rehearse.

Lance kept looking at him, amused. Joey didn't know what was so funny, but he figured that maybe it was because for once, Wade wasn't yelling his frustrations to him. That morning Lance wasn't dancing better than the day before, but he was dancing better than Joey.

"Damn!" he muttered under his breath. After playing the night's events over and over in his head, he could almost swear that Sad Eyes had turned to look at him a couple of times. Had he not been thinking about the group, his friends, and his own cowardice, he might have a name now.

Now, he would never know.

After all, what could he say to the sad man if he found him again? 'I liked your sad eyes the other night, I'm pretty sure we have met before, I swear I'm not stalking you?'

No. Joey was starting to think that maybe it would be better if he stayed in the hotel until the tour began, and forget all about that guy.

* * *

Saturday mornings at the Kirkpatrick house was always a bit hectic.

Chris usually was the first one up, but in the very few times his sister Kate woke earlier, she made breakfast, while Chris started doing the chores around the house. Because of her night shifts, Molly never woke up before noon, and then it was her turn to take care of Taylor, while Chris either graded homework or rehearsed a little for his weekend show.

This particular Saturday was a little different as it was Emily who woke up first, and, in an obvious attempt to remind Chris of his promise, she made pancakes for everyone. When Kate and Chris walked into the kitchen, all they had to do was the dishes.

Kate wanted to go with them on the stalking mission, but unfortunately she had the Saturday shift. They promised to bring her photographs and an autograph if they actually got to see the band.

Chris wasn't really paying much attention, because no matter how much he tried to deny it, he was still thinking about the guy in the Superman baseball cap.

Superman, as he had dubbed him in his mind.

He still couldn't remember where he had seen the guy before last night, and he had tried. In the process, he had catalogued every single feature he could remember to the point that if any of his friends were a sketch artist for the police, Chris could get a pretty accurate picture of him.

If, as Chris guessed, it had been the kid's first night in a gay bar, then there was a big chance that he would go back again. Usually curiosity won over fear in Chris's experience. Maybe not tonight, but sometime before the month ended. Right there and then, Chris decided that if he saw the kid again, he would introduce himself.

Maybe with a name to go with the face, he would finally register where he had seen him.

Of course, he could go to the Little Cabaret that night. After picking up Emily's friends and spending at least four hours outside the stadium, he could go check if the guy made a reappearance.

It was a good thing he didn't have a gig that night. Usually, he booked Saturdays and Sundays, but that Saturday he had called Megan to cancel. While he didn't expect to do much more than watch an empty parking lot, he knew it would be a tiresome day and after his fight with Daniel the last thing he wanted to do was to sing, so he was free.

He had to try to see Superman again.

He was aware that he was doing the stupid thing. Not only he was a jerk-magnet, but if the kid was in fact just starting to explore, Chris didn't want to be part of any experiment phase. He just wanted to know his name, and try not to look like an old pervert cruising a younger man.

"Chris!" Emily shook him out of his thoughts, looking at him with a half-exasperated expression. "We're gonna be late!"

"There is no schedule for this, Emily. We have plenty of time." Chris said, smiling, as he picked up his notes.

"But we have to get there first!!" Emily pleaded. "Please, please, let's go!"

Sighing, Chris let himself be lead outside the house. He would take the girls to the Stadium and, when they were tired and ready to call it a day, they could go pick something to eat at the Cauldron, where Megan did hamburgers that might cost more than McDonald's but were at least made of real meat.

He was planning on having fun. If he saw Justin, or found Superman, it would only be a bonus.

* * *

"Joey?" Lance asked, looking at his bandmate with a worried expression. "Joey?!"

"I can hear you, Lance." Joey smiled, even though when he didn't feel like it. "What do you want?"

"You didn't hear me the first three times. " The bass singer of the quartet sat next to him, offering him a bottle of water. It was around two, and Joey felt all his muscles hurting. He had finally gotten Wade's steps down, earning a couple of hours of rest but he couldn't move from the rehearsing room. He didn't even remember what he was supposed to do after the two hours ended, if they had to keep rehearsing, had a wardrobe change, or an interview. He simply didn't know.

"You ok? Want to talk about it?"

Joey opened his mouth, ready to say no. His private life, what little of it he still had, was his and his alone. He didn't need anyone, if he had a problem, he could always solve him himself. But as soon as he thought that, he remembered that Lance was his friend, almost his brother. He had been there for Lance when Lance had been sick, and Lance had been there for him, for all of them, when the things got rough with Lou. And yes, maybe Joey couldn't talk to anyone about his life, but he could at least to talk to his three friends. And out of the other three, his best friend was Lance.

If he couldn't talk to Lance, he was pretty much fucked.

Besides, they practically lived together. If Lonnie knew, it was all right. Still, one of the guys should know what Joey did at night. He really couldn't keep the secret from his friends.

He took a big breath, tried to gather his courage, and looked straight into Lance's green eyes.

"I'm crazy." He finally said, smiling when Lance nodded with that smirk that said 'you're not telling me anything new'. "You guys are going to hate me."

"Does this has to do with wherever you go when you go out alone?" Lance asked, and there was a little worry in his eyes, as if he was expecting Joey to blurt he had gotten a girl pregnant. He knew that Johnny worried about that but had never imagined that Lance shared that worry. "As long as you're healthy and haven't gone to Vegas and gotten married, I don't think there's a reason to hate you just because you don't live in our pockets, Joey."

Joey laughed, even if his stomach was doing cartwheels inside him, then shook his head. "I wouldn't be so sure, Lance." Then he sighed, ready to grab the bull by its horns. "I met someone last night... well, I kind of... met someone and..."

"You're always picking up dates in bars, Joey. This must be someone special if you're completely out of it today."

"I don't know." Joey closed his eyes. He really didn't want to see Lance's horrified face when he told him the truth. "I never talked to him... He was sitting by himself, and had the most incredibly sad eyes I've ever seen in my whole life and..."

"And you fell in love after just a couple of beers?" Lance asked, and Joey couldn't stop himself from opening his eyes and looking at Lance, surprised. Lance didn't look horrified, or repulsed. In fact, Lance looked as if he had always known that Joey also liked men and was the most natural thing in the world.

"You... you knew?" He blurted out, a little angry. "How could you know? No one ever..."

"I suspected." Lance shrugged, as if he was just saying that the sky sometimes was blue. "You aren't obvious or anything."

Joey simply sighed. Ever since they had meet Lance, the guy had been surprising them. JC had once joked that he suspected that Lance had been stalking them because he always knew everything: Joey had to agree that it was really creepy, but right now, he had to admit it was a bit comforting. Lance knew, he had always known apparently, and the world kept turning. He could tell him the rest.

"Thank you. I think. And to answer your question, no, I didn't fall in love after a couple of beers." He admitted, smiled. "I just can't stop thinking about him. I'm sure I have seen him before, and it's driving me crazy."

There was a short silence before Lance spoke up again. "That's why you keep spacing out?"

Joey nodded, feeling more confident. "I don't understand it. Sure, I was staring at him for two hours, but that wouldn't be enough to engrave him on my mind, right? I shouldn't keep seeing him when I close my eyes."

* * *

Justin was tired.

He wouldn't change his life for anything in the world, but every time he finished a rehearsal he wanted to die. Or at least get a back-up body so he would stop feeling pain.

Whenever they got a chance to rest, he tried to find something to do because he knew that if he crashed on a couch, he would fall asleep immediately. He could sleep later, and that would be okay.

Everyone had a different way to deal with exhaustion. Before leaving the rehearsal room, Justin had seen Lance and Joey talking. That made him smile because he knew Joey needed to talk to someone and Lance was the best to talk about your problems.

Well, the best within the group. Outside the group there was someone even better than Lance, but Justin wasn't going to share that tidbit of information with Joey or with anyone else because they wouldn't believe him if he told them who was his best friend outside the four of them.

He knew that the guys didn't always believe him, but that was alright. They had met him when he was 14, of course sometimes they didn't take him seriously.

JC, for his part, spend his free time either writing or talking to Johnny. JC was really worried about the group, and Justin couldn't blame him but JC really could relax now a little. Johnny was a great manager and wouldn't do to them what Lou had so JC should calm down a bit.

Not for the first time, he wished Chris was there with them. He hadn't mentioned Chris to the others since he had realized that they didn't believe him when he talked about his old friend. It wasn't his fault that he hadn't been able to talk to Chris since Chris had called him to apologize for not going to meet JC. It wasn't his fault that Chris's phone in Pennsylvania had been disconnected, and it really wasn't his fault that Chris hadn't called him when the group had returned to the States. Chris would come sooner or later, Justin knew, and then they would be sorry that they hadn't believed him.

As he was once again making plans for whenever Chris could join *N Sync -when, not if, because Justin was sure that Chris had to be part of *N Sync- he almost missed the girls parked outside the stadium where they were going to rehearse once the stage was ready, in less than a week's time.

This was Justin's most common way to deal with tiredness. He usually went to check whatever everyone else was doing, before going back to the rehearsal room. The fact that he also got to see the fans helped him a lot. When he saw them, so excited and hopeful, Justin remembered exactly why it was worth every single pained muscle.

Thankfully, he had seen them in time, because they were about fifty and he was only accompanied by Dre. Even when he didn't fear 50 girls, he knew he couldn't sign autographs for all of them and pose for pictures in the time he had to get back to their headquarters without leaving someone disappointed.

He was simply watching, smiling as he saw them jump every time a car or a van passed towards the entrance of the stadium, when he caught sight of a somewhat familiar face.

* * *

"C'mon, Chris!" Emily and Jeannette urged him as he closed the door of his car and activated the alarm.

The parking lot wasn't empty. At least fifty girls had decided to make camp outside the place, and Chris had the feeling that a lot more would start flocking there as soon as there was a confirmed sighting of the group. During the ride he had gotten a very quick introduction to *N Sync, but as he wasn't exactly fluent in teenagese, he was pretty sure he was missing something between "Justin is the best" and "I love JC", mixed with "Lance has the cutest eyes" and "Joey is my man!".

In a way, it made him wonder why he hadn't paid more attention to Justin's group before, especially since it was obvious his sister was such a big fan. On the other hand, he hadn't been able to listen to the group's songs, even when Emily had put on the CD during the ride there. The girls had insisted on singing along and he hadn't been able to make head or tails of any sound.

Not willing to bother the girls too much, Chris decided to stand a little separated from the main group, not far enough as to actually lose his sister and the others, but giving them enough distance to not feel embarrassed because their high school teacher -and older brother- was watching them.

"Excuse me? Mr. Christopher Kirkpatrick?" A tall man came from behind him, startling Chris. In his experience, it was never good that someone called him by his full name.

"Who wants to know?" He asked, without taking his eyes from the group of girls who were now jumping up and down.

"Don't tell me you forget your friends that quickly, man. I will be heart broken." At that second voice, Chris couldn't believe his ears. He had some problems believing his eyes when he saw the man behind the tall guy who had talked first, because the last time he had seen him the kid hadn't been taller than Chris. Even with the extra inches, even when the kid was wearing a hooded sweatshirt presumably to keep his face hidden from the very same girls screaming a few feet away, Chris did recognize him immediately.

"Justin?" He whispered, mindful of the girls, and more than a little incredulous. He had hoped to see him, but his personal version of the reunion included Justin behind a wall of bodyguards and a couple thousand teenies between them both.

"Hey man, I've missed you!" Justin dragged him into a hug, and Chris almost absent mindedly noticed how the big man -who was probably Justin's personal security- took a couple of steps forwards to stand between them both and the girls. "What are you doing in Albany? Last thing you told me was that you lived in Pennsylvania."

"We had to move, job stuff." Chris smiled. Apparently, fame hadn't changed Justin that much, if the kid had recognized him and talked to him as if four years hadn't passed. Or, more exactly, as if the four years had passed but Justin wasn't on his way to become a star. "As for what I'm doing here? One of those girls is my sister. Big fans of you and your group."

"So... you have heard us?" Justin seemed eager for the answer, and Chris had to shake his head.

"Sort of. It's hard to listen to you guys with my sisters screaming over the lyrics."

Justin looked at him funny, before realizing that Chris was joking. "You're still weird man. Look, I have to go back to rehearsal now, but... you have anything to do tonight? We could catch up on the last four years, right?"

Chris considered this for a moment. His only plans were to go back to Little Cabaret to see if Superman came, but he knew it was a long shot. Besides, Superman was a total stranger, deja vu or not, while Justin was his friend. There should be no contest between the two.

"Right. Although I have to warn you, if we do go somewhere, I'll have to go back home with a couple of autographs for my sisters."

* * *

The afternoon rehearsal went a lot better than the morning one. After talking to Lance, Joey had managed to calm himself a little bit, and half of that was the fact that now his secret was not so much of a secret.

If anything, now he could share his sorrows with Lance, and that made him feel a lot better.

He had managed to get through No Strings Attached, and half of Space Cowboy without tripping over anything, and for a change it was Justin in trouble with Wade because whatever had happened during the break had him so hyperactive that he kept doing the steps one second too fast.

Even though he was pretty sure that he was going to be incredibly tired by the end of the day, he also knew that he was going to go out.

After his talk with Lance, Lance had come up with a plan.

Lance suggested that the bar didn't sound like a place where a lot of strangers went just to hang for a while and that Joey's sad eyed man was probably a regular. While Joey had been thinking that to meet the guy he would have to go and play detective for a couple of days, Lance had simply pointed out that he could ask the bartender about the guy. The bartender would probably know him, if he was a regular.

Joey wanted to kick himself for not thinking about that without help.

That only left the problem that management didn't usually liked when Joey went out by himself twice in a row. That fell into the territory of being considered a player. Lance had offered to go with him, which served a double purpose. Not only would Joey be allowed out -and management would never suspect where he was going if Lance was with him- but also, he wouldn't be able to chicken out, Lance would make sure that he found the name of his stranger.

As they finished yet again Space Cowboy, which was currently holding the record of most impossible set of steps to remember, Wade finally called it a day reminding them that next day they were going to have that song down or else, JC let himself fall to the floor.

"I'm dead, don't bother to pick me up. You guys will have to go on without me."

"C'mon, JC. It's only the third day, you can't just die yet." Joey was laughing, as he wiped the sweat from his forehead. He was pretty sure he was loosing weight again, which was always a good thing as far as management was concerned. "Tomorrow? Tomorrow we can die."

"No, we can't." Lance interrupted, following their game. "MTV comes tomorrow, for their Making the Tour special, remember?"

"Is that tomorrow?" Justin frowned. "Damn. I thought it was next week."

"No, Lance is right." JC sighed, as he sat on the floor. He didn't seem too eager to get up. "They said they did want to get us on the first week, before we were really too tired to say anything."

Joey looked at Lance, startled. He had wondered why Lance had insisted that they went out tonight to find Joey's guy and not wait until they were a little more used to their pre-tour schedule. Now he knew. With MTV's cameras around, it would be more difficult to get out to a gay bar without anyone noticing.

He was impressed. Lance really was on top of everything.

"Well then, I'm leaving." Justin suddenly announced, grabbing his sweatshirt. "I got something to do tonight. You guys are staying in or going clubbing?"

"Staying in, of course." JC looked half asleep as he spoke. Joey was half convinced that if they didn't talk to him long enough, JC would actually just fall asleep in the rehearsal room.

"We're going out." Lance's contradiction made JC frown, but he didn't say anything as Lance continued. "Joey and I want to see the city before we're too tired to appreciate it."

"That makes sense." JC finally agreed, after a short silence. "What's your excuse, Justin?"

"I'm going to meet an old friend. Chris..."

"Uh-oh." Joey interrupted, joking. "Better get up, JC. The kid is looking for your replacement already."

"Chris is not..." Justin began defending his point, but Lance beat him to it.

"You got it wrong, Joey. Chris is not a replacement, he's one of us. Remember?"

"Oh, yeah. My mistake." As the three of them laughed, Justin threw his hands up in defeat before walking to the door

"You guys suck, you know that?" he told them and left.

After a moment, JC spoke up. "You guys shouldn't tease him so much. He did have a friend named Chris, you know?"

"Did you ever meet him?" Joey was genuinely curious about that. One of the main reasons why he had some trouble believing in Chris's existence was that only Justin and Lynn talked about him.

"Well, no. He had something to do the day Justin was going to introduce us, but..."

"You have to admit C, it's a little hard to believe that someone would have made this big plan to create a band would disappear while the band was being formed and then not come up when one of the members of said band keeps talking about how he has a place with us." Joey nodded. Lance had pretty much summed up the reasons why Justin's story was hard to believe. His personal theory was that Justin had made Chris up because he didn't think someone would take a fourteen year old seriously when he said he wanted to form a band.

"Just stop mocking him guys. Okay? At least for a while."

* * *

Chris sat on his bed, feeling miserable.

"Damn, Kirkpatrick. You did it again."

The day had been full of surprises, and he had to be truthful that most of them had been pleasant. Seeing Justin again had been great, even if it had been a little awkward at moments knowing that if they raised their voices a little they could be discovered and interrupted.

He felt a little guilty for not telling Emily about that meeting later on, but Justin had looked so serious that Chris hadn't been able to say no to his request of a private meeting. To alleviate that he planned on extending to Justin -and, even if it could be a little embarrassing, his band members- an invitation to dinner at his house. If Justin declined, Chris then would at least try to have him meet his sisters. Then, maybe Emily would forgive him for not mentioning that Chris knew her favorite singer.

That wasn't why he felt miserable, though.

On the ride back, while thinking about how to tell the girls that now he knew that *N Sync wouldn't be going to the stadium until next week, the girls had started again on their discussion of who was the absolute best member of *N Sync and Chris had realized that he had no idea at all about Justin's friends.

Since Justin was going to meet him later that night, Chris figured he at least should find out whose face went with what name and, if time allowed it, at least listen to a couple of songs without the enthusiastic chorus of girls.

Trying to sound casual and even a bit bored he asked the girls about them, and had found out that Justin was hot, Joey was a player, JC an artist and Lance had a heart condition. He found out that Lance had very few solos, and that JC wrote music. Joey's family had a restaurant in New York -and 'can we please go there sometime, Chris? It's only four hours away'- and that Justin's mom had come up with the name *N Sync.

It wasn't until they arrived home that Emily realized her brother had no idea what they were talking about so she had ran to her room for an old magazine that she proudly presented to his brother, opening it to a page that had obviously been read a lot more than her school books.

"See?" She had pointed to the glossy picture, one by one from right to left. "This one is Justin, then here's Lance, and JC, and Joey." she said, and at first Chris couldn't help but notice how much Justin had changed upon seeing him here, not exactly smiling, wearing a red knitted sweater, a black do rag over his hair, earrings, and a big necklace that looked like a cross. Lance was a blond kid, about Justin's height and probably the same age, with piercing green eyes and a knowing smile. Chris now recognized JC from the Mickey Mouse Club that he had watched with Emily when she was younger.

He stopped paying attention to what Emily was saying when he saw the guy standing next to JC, his hands on JC's shoulder. Joey, Emily had called him, was wearing a washed demin jacket, a green shirt and a black baseball cap with Superman's logo. The baseball cap hadn't really been that important, except it had jogged Chris's memory enough for him to recognize Superman, the kid from the bar.

Now he knew where he had seen him. Probably he had kept the face in his subconscious from one of his glances into Emily's room.

Half an hour later, he was still thinking about him. About the fact that he was about to meet with Justin and had to be very careful not to mention Joey or ask about him.

"Well, it's still a step in the right direction." He finally said to the empty room. "I might be fixated on someone who is totally out of my league, but at least I'm not really thinking about Danny."

Somehow, that made everything worse.


	3. Don't Think Twice, It's All Right

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance decides to make something to end Joey’s distraction. Chris and Justin reconnect and Chris gets insecure.

It was around nine when Chris arrived at the Witch’s Cauldron, even when he hadn’t originally planned to go there that night.

When Justin had asked him if he knew a place where they could talk, Chris immediately thought of the coffee shop where he usually performed on weekends. It was small, familiar, and he doubted any of the regulars knew Justin or his group.

On the way from home he had managed to finally put his fears about Joey to rest. Now that he knew where he had seen his face, he could forget about it. He wouldn’t even mention it to Justin because, after all, he didn’t really know what Joey had been doing there.

“Hey Chris!” This time Justin called him a lot louder and Chris smiled when he saw Justin was still followed by the same tall man who had been keeping an eye on him that morning. “This is Dre, my bodyguard, but you already meet him. Dre, this is Chris, who does exist.”

“So I see.” Dre smiled, nodding at Chris.

“Hi.” Chris smiled, a little puzzled at the way Justin had introduced him. “I’m pretty sure I do exist.”

Justin laughed out loud, punching Dre on the forearm. “See? Told you he was funny. So, Chris, why did you choose this place?”

“A friend of mine owns the place, and she makes killer burgers.” Chris answered, before entering the shop.

“Chris! I didn’t expect you to show your face today!” A large redhead woman sitting in the table nearest to the door greeted him as soon as she saw him. “Megan told us you called to cancel, but if you want, I can…”

“Hi, Sharon.” Chris interrupted her, with a warm smile. “I’m not here to work, a friend of mine came to town and I wanted to make sure he tasted the best food in Albany.”

“What are you doing here then?” Megan was sitting behind the counter, checking some papers.

“Don’t listen to her, she’s way too modest.” Chris told Justin, before kissing Megan on the cheek. “Meg, this is Justin, and Dre. Can we get three specials?”

“Sure you can, sunshine.” Megan winked at him and Chris shook his head amused as he lead Justin and Dre to a table near the back of the place.

Some other customers greeted him, and by the time they got to the table, Justin seemed impressed.

“You’re really popular around here,” the kid said as he sat down. Dre took a table next to them, near enough to keep an eye on Justin but far enough to give them a little privacy.

“I just come a lot.” Chris was a little reclutant to tell Justin that he performed at the Cauldron on weekends, mostly because he didn’t want Justin to think he wanted to remind him he sang or something.

“I bet.” There was something in Justin’s tone that told Chris that Justin didn’t really believed him, but he let it pass. They hadn’t seen each other in four years, so there was a lot of room for curiosity, in both sides of the conversation. “Man, I never thought I would see you here! Last I knew you were leaving for Pennsylvania!”

“Well, yeah. Sorry about that.” Hearing Justin’s concerned tone, Chris felt a little guilty of not trying harder to contact Justin once it had been obvious that he was not going back to Orlando. He had a lot of excuses, but he had the feeling that they weren’t really good reasons in the first place. “After Mom died, I kind of lost track of everyone for a while.”

* * *

Little Cabaret didn’t look very different from the night before, Joey mused as he and Lance entered the bar. The music wasn’t loud, there weren’t any couples dancing in the small space that served as a dance floor, but there were many at the tables, drinking, smiling and talking.

His stranger was nowhere to be found.

“He’s not here.” He whispered to Lance, who was surveying the place like he actually knew how the stranger looked like. On second thought, Joey considered, it would be both creepy and completely natural if Lance knew. One of those days they did need to talk with him about his tendency to just know things.

“I figured.” Lance answered, also keeping his voice low. A couple of heads turned to see them and Joey knew they were being checked out. He didn’t care about it, but he wondered what was going inside Lance’s mind.

“So we... go and ask?”

“The man who will actually know, yes.” Lance agreed and started walking towards the bar followed by Joey, who was starting to wonder why he couldn’t be so sure that things were going to work out.

During the trip from the hotel to the bar, he had convinced himself that they weren’t going to find anyone who knew Sad Eyes. Or that they were going to find out that the guy had a lover. That he wasn’t gay. That the man had noticed him staring and thought he was a stalker and would get a restraining order.

Joey had to admit that the last one was very unlikely, but even so, he’d managed to make the butterflies in his stomach turn into a hurricane.

Lance, on the other hand, looked completely calm. Maybe it was because he really had no emotions involved in the situation. Joey would deny having any emotions involved in it, but he had to admit that he was getting obsessed with the guy. He wanted to meet Sad Eyes and make a good first impression.

“Hello.” Lance said to the bartender, pulling Joey out of his thoughts. “My friend here was looking for someone and he thought maybe you could help him.”

“Everyone is looking for someone, son, and I ain’t the lost and found office.” The bartender sounded bored. Joey took a deep breath before plunging forward. He wasn’t going to chicken out.

“He was here yesterday night. Short brown hair? He was wearing glasses and sitting at that table by that wall.” He rushed pretty sure that the barman would tell them to get lost.

To his surprise, the bartender looked at said table that at the moment was empty and nodded. “I should have known, every once in a while someone wants to meet him. You won’t find Alan here on a weekend.”

“Any idea of where can we find him?” Lance asked, while Joey procesed that he at least had a name to go with the stranger’s face.

“Here.” The bartender handed them a flyer from a glass he kept behind them. Lance studied it briefly before handing it to Joey. It was the ad for a coffee shop/restaurant that also had live music. The first one of the list of performers was Alan K. Joey guessed it was his stranger. Sad Eyes was a singer, which meant that at least they had something in common. “He usually starts around 10:00”

“Alan’s not singing tonight, Mike.” One of the men sitting on the bar turned around and looked at Joey and Lance with a smile. “Meg announced that he was taking a day off. If you want to hear him, you should go tomorrow, even though his Sunday shows are usually a bit shorter.”

“Oh, yeah. You should.” The man next to him smiled too. “Alan has a wonderful voice.”

“Thank you,” Lance greeted them. For a second Joey was worried that they would be recognized. “We will try to catch his show then.”

“Just don’t try to catch anything more.” The first man said, with a knowing smile. “Alan’s boyfriend is very possessive.”

* * *

Justin was quite grateful when Chris’s friend arrived with the hamburgers quickly, because he didn’t really know how to react when Chris informed him of his mom’s death. He had always suspected something big had happened when Chris hadn’t returned to Orlando, but never imagined it had been that serious.

“What did you want to tell me, J?” Chris suddenly asked, making Justin almost choke on his burger, panicked.

His plan had been quite simple. Meet with Chris, ask him why he had dissapeared for four years, tell him that the group was going strong and ask him to join. However, now that he knew the reason Chris had left, he didn’t know exactly how to begin.

‘Gee, sorry your mom died, want to come and sing and dance?’ didn’t sound right. Justin knew that Chris would take that as charity, and Chris had never accepted charity from anyone.

“Well, it really can wait,” he settled on saying as he kept eating. Chris had been right, the food was great. “Your step-dad moved the family here?”

Chris looked down at his plate and smiled. Justin knew immediately he had made the wrong question. “He died shortly after mom. I got an offer for a job here, so the girls and I moved here.”

“Shit.” Open mouth, insert foot. Justin cringed immediately. This was going completely wrong. “I’m sorry, Chris, I didn’t know... I just...”

“Justin, it’s ok.” Chris smiled at him, and for a moment Justin was shocked at how grown-up Chris looked. Back in Orlando he had sworn that Chris was the coolest guy he had ever meet because he still acted like a fourteen-year-old and now... Now Chris looked like a high school teacher. “You had no way to know, and it happened a long time ago.”

Justin nodded, and sighed. He had to find a way to get the plan back on track. “What job? I mean, I know you went to college, but...”

“Believe it or not,” Chris looked happy as he spoke. “I teach ninth grade English.”

“You? Teach? Like, sitting down for longer than fifteen minutes? Actually paying attention?” That floored Justin. Of all the things he expected Chris to do with his life, being cooped up all day inside a school wasn’t one of them. “No way.”

“Way, infant.” Chris jokingly swatted Justin’s head. “What do you know? Some parents other than Lynn trust me to keep an eye on their children’s education.”

“Mom trusted you with a lot of things; my education wasn’t one of those.”

“Well, maybe she should have.” Chris shook his head, and his smile looked brighter. “Now, tell me. How’s _your_ life going?”

“Well, you know... ah, the group... Is just that...”

“Justin, I’m not mad that you went and formed a group.” As he spoke, Chris leaned back on his seat. “My plan was just an idea, and I’m glad you went and did it. I’m really happy for you even if it means that my sister will either kill me or make me deaf when I tell her that I know her favorite singer.”

“Your sister likes us?” Justin was still a little shocked at Chris’s reaction. He knew that if positions had been inverted, he would have been mad.

“Why do you think I was in the parking lot today?” Chris laughed. “Actually, out of the four Kirkpatrick women, you guys have won over two. I’m pretty sure Molly likes a couple of your songs too, but Taylor is a little too young for that.”

“Well, then you do have to bring them over one day!” Justin said, without thinking. “Right now our schedule is impossible because we’re three weeks away from the beginning of the tour, but I’m pretty sure we can find a couple of hours so you can bring them! Of course I’ll get them tickets and...”

“J, calm down.” Chris looked a bit sad now, and Justin stopped immediately. “There’s no need to do all that. Emily and Kate will be more than happy to meet you, but you don’t need to do anything special on our account.”

Justin paused, looking at Chris as he realized his mistake. He didn’t want to make Chris feel bad, and he knew he was going at it in the worst way possible. “I... It’s no bother, really, Chris.”

Hell, he was going to need a new plan to get Chris on the stage where he belonged.

* * *

As they left the Little Cabaret, Joey sighed.

Things had gone well, once he considered everything. He had a name, and a place to see him. Alan K., folk singer. The name didn’t ring a bell, but given time it might. The bad news was that now he was sure that Alan K. had a significant other.

Not that he should care about it, but it bothered him. Especially when he remembered how sad Alan had looked the night before.

In Joey’s opinion, no one who had someone to love could or should look that defeated.

“I think you have a crush.” Lance’s voice pulled him out of his thoughts for the second time that night. As he turned around to deny it, Lance smiled. “If it was just curiosity about where you know him from, you wouldn’t mind that this Alan guy apparently is in a relationship with someone.”

“I’m not...” Joey began, before sighing in defeat. “You didn’t saw him last night, Lance. He looked down-right miserable.”

“Of course. And you have made it your mission in life to make everyone around you happy. Whatever.” Lance seemed as if he wanted to say more on the subject, but instead pointed to the piece of paper Joey had in his hands. “Do you want to check that place tonight?”

“I don’t see why, Lance.” Joey looked at the flyer again with some hope. “They told us that he wasn’t going to be there today and we already know his name.”

“We also know that he’s there almost every weekend.” Lance looked up, as if he was considering something. “I don’t think we’ll be able to go out tomorrow night, but I’m almost sure we have next Saturday free, as long as we don’t have any unexpected business in the week.”

“You really have our schedule memorized?” Joey frowned. He could barely remember what where they supposed to do next day.

“Only the relevant parts.” As they got in the car that Lonnie had brought for them, Lance turned to see Joey again. “You still sure that you know this guy from somewhere?”

“Yeah, but I don’t remember anyone with that name” Then, because he wanted to try to be sincere with Lance, he continued. “And maybe... maybe I do have a slight crush. But it doesn’t matter anyway.”

“Because that man told us that Alan has a boyfriend.” Lance nodded, as if in agreement.

“Right.”

“And that is a real problem because you saw Alan look miserable and alone last night.”

“Right.”

“Which is why we’re going to listen to him sing next week, so you can meet him.”

“Right.”

“And you will try to sweep him off his feet because, after all, you’re Joey Fatone from *N Sync and you must be a better partner than whoever is that left him looking miserable on a Friday night.”

“Right.” Joey nodded, frowned and looked at Lance, puzzled. “What?”

“I know how your mind works.” Lance said, leaning back on the seat. “But then there’s the fact that you do not date.”

“I have had dates.” Joey protested, and Lance, amazingly, laughed at him.

“Joey, despite the fact that I suspected you like men as much as you like women, I’ve never seen you with a guy. Come to think of it, with the exception of Kelly, I haven’t seen you with a woman for something more serious than a one night stand. So I’ll go out on a limb and say that you’re scared of dating.”

“I am not!”

“Fine, you’re not.” Lance’s tone, however, made it clear that he really didn’t believe him. “You just don’t like to be tied down to just one person.”

“Exactly.”

“Which is the reason why, no matter what, every three months or so you go back to Kelly, only to break it up after a week.” Lance continued, as if he hadn’t listened to Joey.

“Kelly and I have an agreement.”

“Of course you have.”

“I mean it, Lance. It’s not fair for her that I’m never around that I and check out guys.”

“No, it isn’t.”

“And if I do go back to her, it’s because she’s great.”

“That she is.”

“Not because I’m using her as some sort of shield or excuse not to date someone.”

“Of course you’re not. And that’s why you’re going to see where this thing goes with this Alan guy. For all you know, he might be an idiot, but you’re going to see this to the end, Joe.”

“There’s no need to do that.”

“If we hadn’t talked about it, what would you have done?” Lance looked at him so seriously that Joey had to look away, to the window.

“Probably nothing.” He finally admitted.

”Exactly.” Lance agreed, placing his hand over Joey’s shoulder. “You would have made Wade go crazy, the way you kept forgetting steps this morning, but you would sooner or later forget the whole thing. But this way, at least you will know what would happen if you took a chance once in a while.”

“I’ve taken chances in my life!”

“Sure you have. But as far as I know, you only take them when someone pushes you.”

* * *

It was close to midnight when Chris arrived home to a note on the fridge from Molly telling him that she had left Kate in charge and would be back around seven in the morning because she had a double shift.

Chris smiled at his sister’s note, before sitting down in the kitchen. He was tired, yes, but there were too many thoughts in his mind to go to sleep at that particular moment.

Seeing Justin again had been great, no doubt about that, if a little strange.

It was obvious to Chris that Justin hadn’t told him everything he wanted to tell him. Something was holding the young man back. Chris thought he had a very good idea what it was. Chuckling he closed his eyes. Justin couldn’t really think that forming a singing group was the most original idea in the world.

Before his group, there had been many. The New Kids on the Block, Take That, Five, The Monkees.

Even Howard had the same idea.

The thought of Howard made Chris’s heart ache. Even though he’d had his share of idiot exes before Howard –and none of them matched the idiocy that had been going out with Danny after breaking up with Howard- it was a very sore point on his heart.

They had met in Valencia, when both had been studying music. Howard was a quiet, shy guy who seemed so deep in the closet that at first Chris figured he wasn’t even going to bother with him but since they had a couple of common courses they had become friends.

Despite knowing that he was probably just an experiment phase for Howard, being friends led to something else and by the middle of their second term they were lovers.

There had been many things wrong with that relationship, now that Chris thought back on it. Since Howard was not out to anyone, not even his family, Chris was forced to play it straight, even when he had sworn he would never do that. When he’d turned 17, his mom told him never to be ashamed of himself after a bad fight with a former boyfriend, and he’d followed that advice. Since Howard was not exactly an outgoing guy, Chris usually stayed in with him and stopped seeing many of his own friends.

One day, Chris had gotten tired of it all and he and Howard had a fight.

No, not a fight. THE fight that ended with Howard leaving their room and never coming back.

It had been six years, give or take a couple of months, since he last had seen Howard. The fucker hadn’t called to apologize, hadn’t called to tell Chris to get lost. He simply had disappeared from Chris’s life.

When Chris had caved and tried to find him to apologize -because he always was the one to apologize, not only back with Howard, but with everyone and that was another thing he had to change- he had found out that Howard had left the country.

Good riddannce, he had said back then, and he stood by that even now.

Much later, he had seen a picture of Howard in one of Kate’s magazines. He had asked her about it, but she hadn’t answered any of his questions, refusing to lend him the article to read. Soon the magazine disappeared from the house. He had the suspicion that his sisters were trying to shield him from seeing Howard again, especially when some of the magazines they bought had the covers ripped off, but since he really didn’t want to open the wounds he still carried over that last fight, he hadn’t pressed the issue. The only thing he knew was that Howard was in a group, and that he was somewhat famous. He hadn’t looked for any more information on his own because, even when he didn’t care, he didn’t want to know anything about his former lover.

Justin couldn’t believe Chris had any claims to ‘the plan’, and next time they talked, Chris would try to make it clear to the kid. Justin didn’t have to make it up to him by giving tickets to his sisters or any other noble gesture like that.

Although, he would have to accept the free tickets if Justin offered them again. He really couldn’t afford first row to anything, and his sisters would love to see their idols close up.

He opened his eyes and pulled out a napkin from his jacket’s pocket. Justin had given him his cellphone number, making him promise he would call.

Chris would, he knew. Only on a weekday so he wouldn’t feel guilty for not inviting Justin to hear him at the Cauldron.

After all, if he had read Justin right, he had the idea that Justin would see Chris’s small performances as a bad thing, something to blame himself for.

Nothing could be farther from the truth, but Chris remembered quite well that Justin tended to oversimplify things based only on his own feelings. It was better if the young man never saw Chris on the stage.

* * *

“God, Lance, I don’t know.” Joey had been on the same subject for at least half an hour, and no matter how patient Lance was, he was starting to feel at the end of his rope. “Maybe it is a bad idea.”

“Joe, we’ve already gone over this. You said that you did take risks, and I see this as not taking risks, you know?” he said, keeping his voice low. They didn’t know if Justin was back from meeting whoever he was really going to meet, but waking JC up was not a good way to end a Saturday.

“I know, but... maybe this is too big of a risk. Sure, you already knew but what will JC say? What will Justin say?”

“JC will yell at first, and probably say something about the world not making sense anymore. But at the end he will tell you that it’s your life and you have to find happiness wherever you can.” Lance said, with the same amused smile that always made Joey nervous. “Justin, on the other hand, will think that you’re pulling his leg more or less in the same way he’s pulling ours with the Chris’s story. If the thing with Alan doesn’t work, he’ll keep thinking it’s a joke until you introduce us to your first boyfriend, and then he’ll try to play it as if he had always known and not make anything out of it.”

Joey looked at Lance, and frowned not sure if Lance was kidding or being serious. “You can’t know that,” he settled for saying. It was true, though. “They will hate me.”

“You were sure I was going to hate you and here I am, trying to help you find Alan, aren’t I?”

Joey lowered his head, defeated.

His mind was still providing him with a thousand different scenarios of how this was all going to blow up in his face –they ranged from Alan telling him to fuck off to the guys telling him that they wanted him out of *N Sync- but in front of Lance’s calm assurance, all those scenarios seemed pretty unrealistic. Stupid, even.

On the other hand, when Lance said something, anything, with that knowing tone of voice, Joey had to believe him. Even if Lance swore that pigs did fly and the sky was green.

“Go to sleep, Joey.” Lance finally said.”Tomorrow we have rehearsal and vocal practice, so we won’t have time for more. Plus, if you wake up early, you can tease Justin about his imaginary friend without JC knowing.”

* * *

“If you wake up early, you can tease Justin about his imaginary friend without JC knowing.”

Justin was mad. He hadn’t intended to over hear Lance and Joey talking, but he had been so quiet coming in that they hadn’t noticed him.

He had no idea what they were talking about since practically everything had been whispered, but he was almost sure that it was something about a friend of Joey’s named Alan and something Joey had done that was apparently very bad but Lance didn’t thought it was so serious.

That wasn’t his business, so he didn’t care.

What mattered to him was that it was obvious that Lance, Joey, and JC still believed he had made Chris up. Even when JC knew that Justin had known Chris since Orlando. They still saw him as a fourteen year old kid who had an imaginary friend.

He didn’t have any pictures of him and Chris. Or of Chris alone, which was why he hadn’t shown the other guys how Chris looked. But even so, his _mom_ talked about Chris too. He had known that the guys humored him about the whole thing, but he hated to think that they thought that his mom was humoring him too.

All of it meant that he couldn’t count on them for a new plan. In the end, they would be sorry when they realized that Chris not only existed, but that Justin had made good in his promise to invite him to join the band. If Chris sounded half as good as he did five years ago he would be perfect for the group.

That left him with the problem of the invitation had to come from someone else, because Chris wouldn’t accept it if Justin asked him to join. Chris would think that Justin was asking him to join out of pity or something like that.

He needed a new plan.

Quietly, he went into his room and pulled out his cell. As he dialed memory two, he prayed that his best friend wasn’t asleep.

“H’lo?” After the third tone, his friend picked up the line.

“Great! You’re awake! Where are you right now?”

“Justin? Is that you?”

“Who else calls you at midnight on a Saturday?”

“Trust me, you don’t want the answer to that. We’re in New York, why?”

“Well, do you think you could come over? I really, really need your help.”

“Justin...”

“I mean it! You know I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t important.”

“Fine. I’ll go. Just please, lets not meet where your group can see us, ok? Last time we crossed paths, I swear JC was trying to kill me with his eyes.”

“As if Kevin doesn’t want to do the same with me.” Justin chuckled. “I know a place… do you have anything to write on?”


	4. The Call

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A forgoten cell phone, three phone calls, a fight and the Backstreet Boys.

It was around two o’clock when the MTV cameras decided to call it a day, as the director of the upcoming *N Sync Making the Tour special decided they had enough footage to give the idea of how was the first week. They had even staged a meeting at Johnny’s office, which everyone had loved to do since it gave them the chance to rest for a little while away from Wade and the choreographies from hell.

They had danced in front of the cameras, but it had been mostly for show since they didn’t want to spoil too much of the concert for the viewers. It wasn’t after the cameras were away that Wade returned to his dictator attitude, which tired Joey to no end.

Because even when Wade seemed to forget it, they were professionals, and they were going to get those steps memorized, mastered and carefully polished by the end of the month no matter what.

Joey was tingling with excitement. While the others would probably chalk it to the thrill of performing for an audience, the truth was that he had decided to tell Lance that they would be going out that night. They would go to the Witch Cauldron, to hear Alan sing.

Then Lance would see that Joey did take risks. And Joey could see Alan again, so that was a win-win situation.

“Where’s Justin?” JC asked, as he came out of the small bathroom in the rehearsal room.

“I thought he was in the bathroom.” Joey answered, frowning. He was pretty sure he had seen Justin just minutes before.

“He went out,” Lance told them, while stretching in front of the mirror. “He said that Johnny wanted to talk to him.”

“So what? We wait for him?” Joey frowned. “There’s not much we can do without him.”

“You’re not getting out of rehearsal today, Fatone,” Wade growled at them as he stood in the middle of the room. “I’ll do Justin’s parts until he comes back.”

Joey shrugged at Lance, who smiled tiredly. It was just the first week, and they all were tired, even when they knew the worst was still to come. JC, however, kept his eyes glued to the exit.

* * *

Chris finished grading the homework he was going to hand next day, sighing. All morning he had been thinking about calling Justin and finding reasons not to.

Now, with his job finished and the house work done much earlier with the help of Kate and Emily, he had five hours to kill before heading out to the Cauldron for the night show. There weren’t that many reasons not to call Justin.

He had promised the kid he would call.

The truth was that he wanted to call him. Last night he had convinced himself that calling Justin on a day when he could invite him to hear him sing was a bad idea, and he still stood by that. But during the week he knew he wouldn’t have time with his job, and he had no idea of what Justin’s schedule was like, although he guessed that it might be a little busier than his own.

Besides, at the moment he was practically alone in the house. Molly was upstairs, sleeping. Kate had gone with Emily and Taylor shopping and wouldn’t come back for a few hours. If he called Justin now, they wouldn’t find out.

The sooner he invited Justin to dinner, the sooner he would stop feeling the need to keep hiding his friendship from the girls, which was only a good thing. He figured that if the girls knew, they would be pestering him to call Justin anyway.

The image of his four sisters insisting that he had to call was convincing enough, and began dialing the number, smiling as he remembered those days in Orlando when he would call Justin practically every day.

* * *

It was Joey the one who heard the cell phone over the music because he had been closer to the couch at that moment.

He had picked it up and answered it immediately. He was sure it was his cell phone because he remembered putting it on the couch before starting the routine.

“Yo,”

“Uhm... Justin?” The voice on the other side of the line sounded confused.

“No, Joey.” He didn’t recognize the caller, but he guessed that if she had Justin’s cell number she wasn’t a stranger. “Justin is at a meeting.”

“Oh, sorry. I thought this was Justin’s number,” The voice hesitated. On second thought, it didn’t sound that feminine. Just really high. “Wait... Joey? Joey Fatone?”

“Yeah,” Joey laughed. Maybe he was wrong and a fan had managed to get Justin’s number after all. Not many of their friends squealed like teenager girls upon hearing his voice. “Do you want to leave him a message, miss?”

There was a long silence before the voice answered, almost whispering. “You... oh. Of course. You think I’m...” another long pause, and Joey could almost swear he heard a sad sigh. “Never mind. Just tell him that Chris called, please. He has my number.”

“Sure, Chris,” Joey smiled when JC and Lance turned to see him, surprised. “I’ll tell him that.”

“Thanks,” there was another pause before he heard the dial tone, and Joey simply placed the cell back on the couch, still amused.

“Chris?” JC asked, looking curious. “A ‘Chris’ called Justin on his cell?”

“Yeah,” Joey nodded. “But I doubt it was _the_ Chris. This one sounded like a girl and our fifth member is supposed to be a guy, isn’t he?”

“So... Justin has a new girlfriend?” JC mused. “Or he left his cell here on purpose and faked his voice so we would ‘hear’ this Chris person?”

“He would do that,” Joey shook his head and was about to return to his place when Anthony came in, looking for Wade. Apparently they had some sort of technical question about the stage dimensions and the choreography, so they needed Wade down at the stadium inmmediately. That gave them at least an hour to do whatever they wanted, so Joey and JC decided to go out and see if they could get something to eat.

The last thing Joey saw before leaving the room was Lance, picking up Justin’s cell..

* * *

Chris hung up the phone, his heart beating wildly.

Even when his curiosity had been sated, he had to admit he’d thought Joey was hot. Chris had even accepted that, had he not been hurting over Danny, he would have at least tried to get Joey’s name even if he hadn’t recognized his face.

When he’d called Justin, the last thing he had expected was to hear Joey answering the phone. Joey’s voice was beautiful. Flirty, happy and clear.

And, of course Joey had thought that Chris was a girl.

“Sometimes I hate my voice,” he groaned to the empty room.

He just hoped that Justin called him back, because he would need a lot of time to gather his courage to call that number again.

The phone rang, and Chris picked it up on the second ring.

“Kirkpatrick residence. Chris speaking.” He greeted.

“Sorry, wrong number.” A deep voice with southern accent replied, and hung up immediately.

“Uh. Weird.” Chris looked at the phone before hanging up.

He still had five hours before the show. That gave him plenty of time to practice.

* * *

Justin still hadn’t come back at three and Joey was starting to worry.

Especially when Johnny came in and asked if Justin was back yet.

As Wade still was busy –aparently the stage was a bit longer than what they had originally planned, which meant that they could do some different things on it- they had the afternoon free. JC was going over the beginning of No Strings Attached in his mind, moving his head in time with the steps, and Lance was in front of the mirror counting the steps of something that without music looked pretty much like I Want You Back, while Joey... Joey was worried.

When Justin’s cell phone rang again, Joey almost jumped up from the couch, but JC answered it first.

“Who...?” JC started asking to the phone before taking it away from his ear, flinching. “What? Kevin Richardson? How did you...?”

Joey frowned. Even though they weren’t exactly hostile to the Backstreet Boys, he couldn’t think of any good reason why they were calling Justin’s phone. Or why they would have his number.

“No, we haven’t seen Nick,” JC was saying. “We’re in Albany but what’s...? No... Wait... Will you let me...?”

As JC was still trying to get a word edgewise, Joey saw Lance stop in front of the mirror and take a deep breath.

“JC, give me the phone.” Lance said, turning around to see them. He had that amused smile again, and Joey wondered exactly what Lance knew this time.

JC looked suprised, but he complied. It didn’t look as if he enjoyed being yelled at by Kevin Richardson.

“Kevin?” Lance, on the other hand, looked perfectly calm. “Where did you got this number? Mmm. Memory two on Nick’s cell, huh?... And when was the last time you saw Nick?... Uhu. Six hours ago, give or take?... I see. And you called here, why?... Mn. Do you have anything to do this afternoon?... Well, it’s just because I think you’ll find a lot more productive to yell at Nick in person than yell at JC... No. He’s not here right now, but if you don’t get into any traffic, you can be here in less than four hours, and I promise you we’ll hold Nick for you here. Yeah... I’ll give you the address.”

The conversation went on, and JC turned to see Joey, surprised and shocked.

“How does Lance knows that Justin is with Nick?” He asked, and Joey shook his head. He didn’t know the answer to that. “Since when Justin and Nick talk to each other?”

* * *

“And that’s the story.” Justin leaned back on the confortable seat at the Witch Cauldron, and looked at Nick expectantly. “What do you think?”

“Let me see if I got everything,” Nick answered, almost in a whisper. Since Backstreet Boys had a little more popularity than *N Sync, Nick was much more paranoid of being recognized when his only security was one bodyguard sitting in the next table. “You finally found your friend Chris again, and he’s a teacher here in Albany, right?”

“Right.”

“And you want him to join *N Sync because it was his idea, but you can’t just ask him to join why?” Nick bit his burger, waiting for Justin’s answer. Justin lowered his eyes before speaking.

“You don’t know Chris, Nick,” He finally settled on saying. “He... he doesn’t like getting stuff from other people. It is like... if he didn’t work for it, he thinks you’re giving it to him out of pity or something.”

“Even if it was his idea on the first place?”

“Even if,” Justin sighed. “So, I figured if I ask him, he’ll think I’m insulting him or something. Hell, Nick, he says he’s not mad at me for *N Sync, but c’mon! He should have been with us from the beginning. Tell me you wouldn’t be mad if it had happened to you.” When Nick didn’t answer, Justin kept going. “But if one of the other guys invites him, then it’s ok. Because they don’t know him, see? So they couldn’t be offering him the place out of pity!”

“But none of the others believe your Chris exists,” Nick pointed out. “And I don’t think it would work if I invited him to join *N Sync, with not being in the group and all.”

Justin nodded. He and Nick had become friends shortly after *N Sync had returned from Europe and, being underage, hadn’t been able to attend to one Jive party and ended up stuck up in the same hotel. After an hour of pointedly ignoring each other because they were ‘the enemy’, after Lance had gone up to his room because he was tired, Justin had seen Nick reading an X-men comic in the lounge, asked him about it out of boredom. The next thing both knew was that it was two in the morning and the others were coming back.

Since then, they called each other every time they felt like they could use a friend their age and soon Justin had found out that Nick was great at finding solutions to problems and would listen to him with much more atention than the others. The first time the subject of Chris had come around, Justin had realized that Nick didn’t lie to him.

“I heard Joey tell Lance that this Chris friend of yours is not a real person.” Nick told him. It was the day before the NSA album was released and Justin was so nervous that he had called Nick because the alternative was jumping out from the window.

“He is real.” Justin had almost growled. That JC, Joey and Lance didn’t believe him was already old by then. That Nick seemed to be jumping in that bandwagon wasn’t funny. “It’s just that I could never introduce them.”

“Oh, well, that’s bad for them then.”

“You don’t believe me either.”

“No, I mean it. If you say he’s real, then he’s real. When you find him again, you’ll have to introduce us.”

“Do you even know if he still sings?” Nick suddenly asked, breaking the silence. “Because, you know, it would be a lot easier if he did, and the others heard him. If he’s a good singer, that is.”

“Well, he was a great singer back in Orlando.” Justin defended himself, at the same time that Megan, the owner to whom Chris had introduced him the day before arrived with their dessert. She had recognized him as Chris’s friend, but thankfully not as Justin Timberlake of *N Sync.

“If you want to hear Christopher sing, you should come by at nine.” She told them, pointing to a flyer in the wall. “He never mentions it to his friends because he’s too modest, but he is really good.”

* * *

The phone rang just as Chris was starting to do his warming up excercises with the guitar. After a lot of thinking, he had decided to change a couple of songs of his usual set, which meant that he needed to practice a little longer and so interruptions weren’t exactly welcomed.

“Kirkpatrick residence. Chris speaking.”

“Hello, elf. How are you?” The voice on the other side of the line was a hot poker through his heart.

“Daniel.” He closed his eyes. “I really hope you’re calling me from L.A.”

“Daniel? You used to call me Danny.” His ex sounded smug. He hated when Daniel sounded smug because that usually led to a session of ‘why Chris is wasting his life’. “And no, Chris. I’m still in Albany.”

“I don’t have time for your games. What do you want?”

“I want to apologize.” Daniel’s words took Chris by surprise. They’d had more than one fight that could have ended in a break up, but Daniel had never apologized for his actions. Chris had the bad habit of apologizing for things that weren’t his fault.

Not this time. One thing he knew about his own self destructive behavior was that the only way to get out of it was by making an effort to do so.

“Daniel, I said no more games,” he sighed. “I know you were never a big fan of apologies.”

“Chris, just give me a minute, I promise I will make it worth your while. We just need to talk a little.”

“No, Daniel. I think we said all that there was to be said.” Chris closed his eyes. He didn’t want to remember what had happened. He wanted to hang up, and forget Daniel existed.

“Don’t be like that, my elf,” Chris gritted his teeth. He hated that nickname and had told Daniel not to call him that ever since his ex started doing it. “Just let me explain.”

“You broke up with me and pretty much said I was never going to do anything with my life,” Chris was starting to get mad, but he tried to keep it under control.

“Of course not, you just misunderstood me. It’s ok. I forgive you for that.”

“I think you were pretty clear when you said that you thought I was a pathetic loser who was content with wasting his life and that you weren’t going to be carrying an anvil like me all your life,” Chris practically growled the words that Daniel had told him just two nights before. “There isn’t much room for misunderstanding when you’re called a waste of space.”

“Oh, come on, Chris... you know I was angry when I said that. You know how I get when you make me lose my temper.”

“_I_ made you lose your temper?” Chris snorted. “Daniel, we had barely sat down when you told me that I was dragging you down.”

“Elf, you’ve got to admit that you’re a little hard to deal with.”

“Don’t call me that,” Chris sighed tiredly. The conversation was going exactly where he guessed it would go, and he still couldn’t just hang up. “And no matter how ‘hard’ I am to deal with that doesn’t change anything. You said we were through, and for once I agree. Now, please, get out of my life.”

“So this is how you want to play it, Christopher?” Daniel lowered his voice, and Chris knew there were threats in that tone.

“I am not playing, Daniel. Remember when you said I never finished what I started? Well, you might have been the one who started this, but I am finishing it. We’re over. Can you at least understand that or I have to explain it to you with stick figures?”

“Listen to yourself!” Daniel laughed, bitterly. “You think you’re funny? Christopher, you’re almost thirty! It would be good for you to act your age.”

“Says the man who throws up a tantrum when things don’t go his way,” Chris shook his head.

“Christopher, don’t do this to me. You don’t want to do this.”

“Amazingly, I do,” Chris knew he was getting mean, but he couldn’t stop it. In a way, it felt good to talk this way to Daniel after two years of backing down. “Believe it or not, my life doesn’t revolve around what you want.”

“It’s not a surprise, Chris. I always knew your life didn’t revolve around me.” Daniel growled.

“Perfect. Then you see why this conversation isn’t going to take us anywhere. So if you just...”

“This is about Howard, isn’t it?” Daniel interrupted, and Chris was rendered speechless for a moment.

“What?” he finally managed to answer. “What does Howard have to do with anything?”

“Don’t fool yourself Kirkpatrick,” Daniel laughed, an acrid, hateful sound. “You think I didn’t know that you are still waiting for your ‘Prince Charming’ to come back and rescue you from mean old me?”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, Daniel, you can’t be still on that! Do you have to bring this up every time we argue?” Chris yelled, starting to get angry. “I haven’t seen Howard in five years! You think a successful man like you could stop feel insecure about his lover’s missing ex-boyfriend! People do move on with their lives, you know?”

“Normal people might move on, Kirkpatrick, but you don’t fit that description,” Daniel wasn’t yelling, but Chris knew he was mad. When Daniel was mad, he always started insulting Chris. “I should be fucking canonized for dealing with your issues. Or what, you really believe someone besides me would put up with you? Don’t be an idiot!”

“So, you’re the holy man of masochism?” Chris couldn’t stop his laughter. “Do yourself a favor, stop suffering. Go away from mean old me.”

“You know what? Now I see why Howard left you without a word. There’s no reasoning with you.”

“If that’s your version of an apology, I really don’t see how I put up with your crap for two years,” Chris answered frostily.

“There you go again, trying to make yourself the victim.”

“There are no victims here, Daniel. Just two men who should leave each other alone. Can you do that for me?”

“You’re not usually this brave, Kirkpatrick. What’s going on?”

“I’m tired, we’re over. That’s all. Don’t you have a plane to catch?”

“You met someone new, didn’t you?”

“_IF_ I did, it’s none of your business,” Chris growled into the phone, before finally slamming it into the receiver. That last hint of smugness in Daniel’s tone had been enough to make him see red. What did Daniel think? That the only way Chris would stand for himself was if there was a man behind him holding his hand?

He stared at the phone for a few moments, waiting for it to sound again. When it didn’t, he leaned back to support himself against the wall of the kitchen.

He had stood his ground. He had stood up against Daniel and hadn’t apologized for things that weren’t really his fault.

He had finally done what he should have done two years ago; the first time Daniel told him he was worthless.

“Chris, are you all right?” Molly came down from her room, rubbing her eyes. “I heard you yelling.”

“Sorry, Moll. I just...” He breathed deeply. “I just told Daniel to fuck off.”

“Woo-hoo.” Molly smiled, making a fist in the air. “You know, stay there. I’m going to get the camera.” They both laughed at that, and Molly hugged her brother. “Seriously, it was about time, Chris. I’m happy for you.”

“He brought up Howard,” Chris told her, sadly. “Said I wasn’t over him.”

“Oh, Chris.” Molly hugged him again, looking into his eyes. “Please, don’t hate me for asking but... are you?”

Chris looked at her for a long moment, before smiling. “I think I’m starting to get there.”

* * *

“So, this is the plan,” Justin was saying as their car neared the house that served as headquarters for the tour’s preparation. “I’ll go in, convince the guys I found this great place to eat, and we’ll go to listen to Chris sing. Then they’ll see how great he would be for the group and...”

“And your cell phone is ringing.” Nick pointed out, shaking his head.

“No, that’s Joey’s ring...” Justin trailed off as he grabbed the ringing phone from his jacket pocket. “Shit.”

“You better answer it then. Someone might be looking for Joey.” Nick told him.

“Yo, Joey’s phone.” Justin answered, while nodding to Nick. “Oh, Hi, Lance... Oh... yeah... sorry about that but... Ah... yes... I ... wha? Ok.”

“What’s going on?” Nick asked, curious, once that Justin hung up.

“They’re mad that I didn’t tell them I was planning to have a free day, and Lance wants you to come on with me since the other Backstreet Boys are on their way.”

Nick blinked, then frowned. “And how did Lance know I was with you?”

* * *

Just as Lance predicted, the Backstreet Boys arrived roughly three hours after Nick and Justin returned to the house.

Justin had apologized to them first, but he wasn’t in trouble since he _had_ told Johnny that he needed to do something that day and had managed to get a few hours free, as long as he promised not to miss any more rehearsals. Nick, for his part, stayed very quiet at one end of the room receiving JC’s death glare until Justin got tired of it and told them all that he and Nick had been friends for at least a year now.

When Nick’s band mates arrived, there had been a moment of incredible tension in the living room, with Kevin, Brian, AJ and Howie in one side, JC, Joey and Lance on the other, and Nick and Justin sitting in a couch between the two. It was weird, Joey mused absent-mindedly. Nick and Justin looked as children witnessing a divorce.

It was Lance the one who finally broke the silence, and the stare contest between JC and Kevin.

“How long are we going to hate each other for something Lou did?”

Kevin turned to glare at him. “This has nothing to do with Pearlman.”

“It has everything to do with him.” Lance held his eyes. “If we hadn’t signed with Trascon in the first place, would you still believe that we’re just copying your steps?”

“You were copying our steps! You did exactly the same thing we did at the beginning and the only difference between us both is that you have four members instead of five,” AJ interrupted. “So don’t come and tell us that you’re so original.”

“Unlike you, we didn’t need Lou to make auditions to our group.” Joey couldn’t stop the bitterness out of his voice. Sure, in public they tried to stay on the high road, not mention anything about how the Backstreet Boys seemed to believe they had the exclusive rights of making bands. But in private? He was allowed to say what he really thought.

“So you believe your own press now?” Howie answered before AJ could. “Everybody knows that story was just made up so you could be seen as original.”

“While you were just following the New Kids on the Block’s steps,” JC finally spoke up. During all this, Lance had taken a step back, so it was basically JC and Joey against the four older members of the Backstreet Boys.

Although, Brian didn’t seem to be so keen into jumping to their faces and Kevin seemed content to just glare in their general direction.

“You want to repeat that, Chasez?” AJ grabbed JC’s shirt, threatening, and Joey didn’t stop to think, taking AJ’s hands off of JC’s shirt. This in turn made AJ grab his hands and before Joey understood exactly what was going on, he felt a sharp pain just next to his left eye.

“God, will you grow up?!” Nick yelled, getting up from his place. “AJ, why the fuck did you hit Joey?”

“He was asking for it.” AJ mumbled, looking down. Joey guessed they weren’t used to Nick being the voice of reason within their group.

“Maybe,” Justin agreed, and Joey couldn’t believe what he was seeing. Justin Timberlake agreeing with a Backstreet Boy. “But you weren’t helping there. I mean, Nick and I have been friends like, for a year, and none of you even cared enough to ask why he keeps disappearing?”

“You are friends?” JC turned to look at him, looking deeply betrayed.

“Yes, Chasez. We’re friends,” Nick answered. “I don’t know about you but I don’t drop everything at the drop of a hat without telling my band mates where I am going just for anyone.”

“How did you find him, anyway?” Justin asked Kevin, who seemed to be in the process of analyzing the information.

“He forgot his cell phone.” Brian said, quietly. He was looking at them with a strange expression.

“I didn’t forget it,” Nick shook his head. “I _left_ it so you guys wouldn’t be able to find me, and you wouldn’t have if...”

“If Justin hadn’t done the same,” Lance finished, nodding.

“You are _friends_,” JC repeated, still stuck on that. “Since _when_ you are friends?”

“A year, give or take.” Justin shrugged. “So what?”

“So every single time Nick disappears to who knows where he’s here being cozy with *N Sync?!” AJ screamed. Obviously, he wasn’t happy. “And we didn’t _know_?”

“Yeah, you didn’t know,” Nick told him, dead serious. “Before you ask why I didn’t tell you, look around. Less than half an hour and you’ve already started with the fists. Seriously guys, he’s not that bad. For an *N Syncer.”

“HEY!” Justin playfully hit Nick on the shoulder.

“We can’t just tell them not to be friends,” Lance commented, as the room fell silent. “It would be stupid and wrong. So it comes to this. What are we going to do about the so called feud?”

“You say you didn’t copy us… or trying to get our ideas for your group.” Kevin said, looking at everyone. “That the problem was that Lou Pearlman didn’t know how to treat two different groups as... two different groups?”

“Mostly,” Lance had taken the control of the conversation again, and now Joey could look at his reflection by the window. The skin around his left eye was turning purple. AJ had a mean hook. “And you took a little too much pride in an idea that anyone could have had, and we didn’t take the time to explain things. Everyone was at fault there.”

“So what now?” Howie snorted, sitting down on the coach. “We hold hands and sing Kumbaya after seeing the error of our ways?”

“I don’t know the lyrics to Kumbaya,” Joey grumbled. He hated to admit it, but Lance was right. Nick was right. They were there, grown men, with the exception of Nick, Justin and Lance, and they were acting like kids. So what if the Backstreet Boys said that *N Sync were a bunch of copycats. They should have never started answering those insults in the first place since they knew it wasn’t true.

“Holding hands might be going too fast,” AJ mumbled. He seemed ashamed of having hit Joey. “What now?”

“We can try to mend this.” Lance said when no one came forth with suggestions. “It’s four hours back to New York, but if I recall correctly you’re going tomorrow to Buffalo for a concert, right? That’s only one hour from here.”

“Well, yes. But how do you...?” Brian started asking when Lance shushed him with a movement of his hand.

“We could go out, have dinner together. See if there’s anything here to build some trust. If there’s not, it’s ok. At least we will know enough of each other not to keep the mud war going on,” Joey listened to Lance with some sadness. Sure, now that they knew Justin and Nick were friends, and they were having the opportunity to end the stupid feud, his own plans to go and see if he could meet Alan weren’t that important. They could go some other weekend.

“Sounds cool,” Justin smiled, wildly. Joey guessed this was not the moment to tell him that his brilliant plan to get them to believe in ‘Chris’ existence hadn’t worked. “Nick and I know this place...”

“Actually, Justin, I hope you don’t mind but I had a place in mind already,” Lance smiled, and to Joey’s surprise he pulled out the promotional flyer they had picked up at Little Cabaret from his jacket. “It’s small, not that far away and it has live music. You want to come?”

Joey just nodded, not trusting his voice. What was Lance thinking, taking everyone to see Alan? Now Joey knew he wouldn’t have the courage to talk to him. Not with a black eye and witnesses. The others looked at the flyer that passed from hand to hand, and Joey could tell to himself that maybe Justin had smiled upon seeing it, but it could have been his imagination.

“Fine. We’ll go there,” Nick smiled, and turned to see his group. “But you guys must promise to behave or Justin and I will leave both groups to start a duet!”

“Hey, that sounds cool!” Justin grinned.

As the younger members of both bands left laughing, Joey turned to see the others. Kevin seemed ready to follow, even if he was still frowning. Brian and AJ were walking already, same as JC, who was muttering under his breath that it was all a very bad idea. Lance was just smiling with that knowing smile of his that made Joey a little afraid of it all.

Howie was looking at the flyer that someone had passed him, with a very strange look in his eyes.

If Joey had paid a little more attention to it, he could have said it was recognition.


	5. To Meet by Chance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *N Sync and the BSB go out for dinner. Chris sings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song “Coincidir” (To Meet By Chance) is by Fernando Delgadillo, a Mexican singer. I included it here because this song was more or less the inspiration for the whole fic. “Don’t Think Twice, it’s All Right” is by Bob Dylan.

Chris stood outside the Witch’s Cauldron back entrance, trying to calm himself.

After the fight with Daniel, he hadn’t been able to concentrate in his rehearsal, and he wasn’t sure the new songs would go well. He wanted to sing them, he was going to sing them, but he was not sure how that would go.

“Are you feeling well, Sunshine?” Megan came out, looking at him with worried eyes. Ever since the first time Chris had set foot on the Cauldron to ask about the open mike night, three years ago, the older woman had sort of adopted him and his sisters. When he brought them to visit, she always spoiled them as if she was their grandmother.

“Yeah, Meg,” he smiled. “I broke up with Daniel.”

“Good for you. He was not good enough,” Megan had never liked Daniel, even when she had only met him twice. The first time, when he and Chris were just starting to have a relationship, Daniel had interrupted Chris’s act and after a quite noisy fight they had left. The second time, Daniel had come to look for Chris when Chris didn’t want to see him.

Megan had made it clear that if Daniel ever came back to the Cauldron, she would call the cops.

It made Chris smile, when he remembered that. Megan never made empty threats.

“Do you want me to tell your public that you have to cancel the show? He might have been an idiot, but I thought you loved him. Misguided as it was.” Megan was now close to him, and she put a hand on her shoulder to

“No, it’s all right. I’ll be up there in a minute.”

“Take all the time you need. The kids before you will love to make an encore to a full house.” Megan smiled warmly.

“Full house?” Chris squealed. “We don’t have a full house.”

“You will see it when you come up.” Megan winked, and returned inside.

* * *

They had promised to behave.

That was the only reason Joey wasn’t actively trying to strangle Lance.

The Witch’s Cauldron was a small place, and that night it seemed filled to the brink. A waiter showed them to one of the very few large tables, almost all the way to the back of the room. So far back, Joey noted, that maybe whoever who took the stage wouldn’t see them at first.

He wouldn’t be seen, since he had chosen the seat farthest from the stage, half hidden in shadows.

It wasn’t because he was nervous, or shy about being seen by Alan. It was that he didn’t want everyone to see his black eye.

No matter what Lance said Joey was going to find the way to talk to Alan.

Despite the fact that they were supposed to work on the relationship of the two groups, they had still sat as separate as the table allowed. Next to Joey, was Lance, who still had that damn knowing smile. JC was still glaring at Justin, who was seated next to Nick, the two younger members still serving as buffers between the groups; then Brian, who was attempting to strike a conversation with JC; Kevin, who was watching Lance with a guarded look; AJ, who had the decency to apologize and look ashamed behind his ever present dark glasses; and finally Howie, who seemed more interested in the stage, where a trio of girls were currently singing an interesting blues cover of “You Can’t Hurry Love”. At moments, Joey saw how Howie narrowed his eyes, as if he was expecting something.

Joey chalked that up to his imagination. He was too nervous to try to keep up a conversation, and he kept his eyes glued to the clock on the wall. According to the flyer, Alan started his show at nine.

It was 8:50 when the trio finished and a large red-haired woman took the stage.

“Hello, friends and strangers,” she greeted, as the girls left the stage. “Please give a warm thanks to Sheila, Juliet and Andy, who will be back next Sunday to play for you all.” After a long applause, she signaled with her hands to ask for silence. “Now, I won’t take long since I know what you are all expecting. So here he is, our dear Alan Kirkpatrick”

Kirkpatrick. That name almost rang a bell in Joey’s head. The applause was longer than when the girls left the stage and the lights over their heads dimmed so only the stage was spotlighted. As Alan took the stage, carrying an old guitar to sit on the only stool the three girls had left, Joey had to bite his lips not to tell Lance that yes, Alan K. was the guy from the bar, and he looked very different now. He looked happy.

Thrilled as he was, he didn’t notice Justin whispering something to Nick right at that moment, or how Howie’s eyes opened wide in surprise.

“Hi, everybody,” Alan’s voice was high, sweet and, yes, still familiar. Now Joey was doing mentally reviewing of every single other group he had been in, as far back as New York because he was sure he had heard that voice. “I wish I could say I’m glad to see you all, but the lights are blinding me,” People laughed, and Alan started getting ready to play. “There’s been a lot going on in my life since we saw each other last time, and it all remind me of a song I was already planned to share with you. It was originally written in Spanish, so I hope you’ll forgive me if something is lost in translation.”

I’m a neighbor of this world just for a while,  
And by chance it happens you’re also here,  
Such strange coincidences of our lives,  
So many centuries, so many worlds,  
So much space, and we met by chance...

Alan’s voice was unforgettable when speaking, and it was amazing when he sang. Joey didn’t think he knew any men who could reach those tones, and still sing in tune. The song itself was not Joey’s choice of music. Folk rock had never been one of his favorite genres; but the lyrics... he could almost fool himself into thinking that maybe Alan was singing about their chance meeting two nights ago, when he was sure the other man had looked at him once or twice.

The table had fallen silent, and, Joey registered, so had the rest of the audience which was strange. Usually, in those places with live music, some people would keep their conversations even when the singer was there trying to do his job. Joey hated that, but he had come to realize that it was part of singing to audience that hadn’t actually paid to hear you sing.

Alan didn’t seem to have that problem, as he had everyone there charmed.

If I sail, through my mind, across space,  
Or if I want to return to my ancestors’ place  
Amazed, I stop and can’t imagine  
So many centuries, so many worlds,  
So much space, and we met by chance...

Justin couldn’t contain his happiness. Chris’s voice was as great as he remembered it, and it sounded like if he had never stopped singing in those five years. Since it hadn’t changed, that meant that Chris still could have that spot in *N Sync with no problems since no one in the group could reach the notes Chris could.

For a moment he wondered why Chris used his middle name as his stage name, but it really didn’t matter. Chris was Chris, and his voice was great. One of the guys would come forward and invite him to join.

Still smiling, he glanced to the other guys in the table. Joey was actually listening to the song with real attention, as if Chris’s voice had hypnotized him. Lance looked impressed, and JC had stopped glaring at the Backstreet Boys so that could only be good.

Everything was going to be perfect, even if Justin had no idea of how Lance had found the Witch’s Cauldron and proposed that they went there exactly the same day when Justin had planned to take them there.

He figured Lance was just weird.

If at night I decide to count the stars,  
And catch the one that just begins to bloom,  
I hold it in my hands, and I feel fear...  
So many centuries, so many worlds,  
So much space, and to met by chance

Howie was about to pinch himself.

He couldn’t believe that he was seeing Chris again, not after six years. When he had seen the name Alan K. on the flyer Lance had given them, the name had brought him memories. Chris rarely used his middle name, but the fact that the performer’s last name started with a K, had been enough to remind him of his ex-lover.

He had been right in his suspicions, because there he was. Christopher Alan Kirkpatrick. Almost six years had passed since the last time they had seen each other, but seeing him still made Howie’s heart beat faster.

Howie took time to study the changes in Chris. Obviously, he looked older, but also more peaceful, not the hyperactive time bomb he remembered from their days together. He had wondered many times what had happened to him after they had had that fight, and had even tried to find him a couple of times with no success although he had to admit that he hadn’t tried hard enough. Seeing him alive and well was a wonderful thing.

A chance meeting, where they might be able to talk, he mused. Of course, to do that he would need to get away from the group. He really didn’t want them to know about his own bisexuality since he knew it could become a problem with the group. However, that didn’t mean that he couldn’t talk to Chris again in private.

He sat a little straighter, fully aware that the place he had chosen was the one Chris would be more likely to see and smiled.

It was all about chance meetings.

If our life is held by many instants  
And every instant is the time when we exist,  
If your life is other instant, I can’t understand...  
So many centuries, so many worlds,  
So much space, and to met by chance.

Chris finished the song and opened his eyes as the audience started clapping. He was getting more used to the glare of the lights, so now he could see some of the faces of the people sitting around the stage. If he squinted, he could even make out some of the people in the back.

He had first heard the song when a friend of his at school lent him a collection of MP3. After translating the lyrics with the help of Regina, a regular at the Cauldron, he had fallen in love with the simplicity of it as a love song so he had spend the following six months polishing an English version and wondering when he could add it to the show.

That Sunday night had been the perfect time for him because the song summed up everything that had took him to that moment. Many chance meetings, the moment when his eyes crossed with Joey Fatone’s and Chris realized that he couldn’t keep moping over a man that was in his past, and a man who apparently enjoyed making Chris’s life miserable. The moment when he had seen Justin again, and managed to resume their friendship even with all those changes in both their lives.

So, he was baring his heart in a room full of strangers and a couple of old regulars. That was fine with him. When he was on stage, he was able to forget practically everything around him.

As the applause died down, he stilled, surprised. He _had_ recognized someone new.

Chris couldn’t be completely sure, as he was sitting way in the back and six years had changed him a lot. But even in the distance he could see the man’s smile and it was a smile he had never forgotten.

After all, it had been the first thing he had fallen in love with.

Howard’s smile.

He closed his eyes taking a deep breath. Howard. Here. Listening to him and looking far better than the last time Chris had seen him. He had let his hair grow, Chris noticed absent mindedly. He looked great.

He had no business getting back into Chris’s life looking like that. Not after six years of not even a call to let him know he was still alive.

“Thank you,” he finally managed to say, aware that Megan was looking at him with worried eyes. Even if Howard was there, that was no reason to stop the show. Chris was trying to get over him; he had to perform as if it didn’t affect him at all. “Next... I had a song planned for this but, well, I just saw someone I know and I must say, I never expected to see him here. So, for old friends and old acquaintances, an old favorite of mine.”

It ain’t no use to sit and wonder why, Babe  
It don’t matter, anyhow  
And it ain’t no use to sit and wonder why, Babe  
If you don’t know by now.  
When the rooster crows at the break of dawn  
Look out your window and I’ll be gone.  
You’re the reason why I’m travelin’ on  
Don’t think twice, it’s all right.

When Alan said that he recognized someone from the audience, Joey shivered. Had Alan seen him? Had he remembered him from the bar? Or, somehow worst in his mind, from wherever Joey knew him?

But when he started singing a song Joey knew very well, Joey realized that Alan wasn’t talking about him. If Joey had done something to merit someone dedicating ‘Don’t Think Twice, it’s all Right’ to him, Joey was sure he would remember that someone.

When Alan had sung the first song, he sounded hopeful and optimistic. This new song, however, was full of bitterness and Joey didn’t know if he should feel bad for whoever had earned the dedication or hate whoever had obviously hurt Alan that much.

Thinking of that, he looked around to see if there was anyone surprised, shocked or embarrassed.

To his surprise, he saw that it was Justin the one who had his mouth open like a guppy fish.

It dawned on him that Justin acted as if he knew Alan. And then Joey remembered that Justin had left the day before to meet with a friend. His friend Chris, and they had made fun of him for that.

He turned to see Lance, who was no longer smiling, but looking at the Backstreet Boys. Joey didn’t follow his gaze. Instead, he returned his attention to Justin who was starting to look a little pale. Joey was sure then that Justin knew Alan.

The mental math didn’t pan out, and that worried Joey. After all, he had known Justin for four years, since the kid was fourteen. So if Justin had known Alan before that, why was he looking so broken over a song about love lost?

It ain’t no use in turnin’ on your light, Babe  
That light that I never knew  
And it ain’t no use in turnin’ on your light, Babe  
I’m on the dark side of the road.  
Still I wish there was something you would do or say  
To try and make me change my mind and stay  
We never did too much talkin’ anyway  
So don’t think twice it’s all right.

Oh, shit. Chris is mad, Justin thought, as he heard the song that his friend was performing.

He had seen Justin and the others, and jumped to exactly the wrong conclusion. Chris thought that Justin was parading his fortune before him, or that he was about to offer some kind of restitution in pity or something like that.

The plan was not going like it should, at all.

The only good thing was that maybe, if he talked now to Chris, the other guys would realize that Chris did exist and maybe help him to fix the mess. He knew it would be hard. If Chris was mad enough to start singing old seventies songs just because the words could be interpreted as a “Fuck off, I’m mad at you and I don’t need you”, things were not going to be that easy to solve.

He turned to look at Nick, and mouthed to him his worry. But Nick smiled and shook his head as if to say ‘Don’t worry, it’s not about you’.

Justin frowned. ‘It isn’t?’ his expression said.

Nick shook his head again, pointing discreetly towards Howie.

Justin looked at Nick’s band mate and stared surprised. Howie looked as if he had been punched, pale and shocked.

That was really unexpected. Justin hadn’t known that Chris knew Howie or any of the Backstreet Boys. He hadn’t mentioned it last time they had seen each other, and Justin figured that was the kind of thing you mentioned if you were talking with a member of *N Sync.

It was weird that Chris had friends in both bands. Weird in a good way, if he managed to make Chris join, because if he and Chris insisted that the Backstreet Boys weren’t so bad, maybe JC would finally mellow down.

So it ain’t no use in calling out my name, Babe  
Like you never did before  
And it ain’t no use in calling out my name, Babe  
I can’t hear you anymore  
I’m a-thinking and a-wondering walking down the road  
I once loved a man, a child I’m told.  
I gave him my heart, but he wanted my soul  
So don’t think twice, it’s all right.

Howie couldn’t believe his ears.

Chris couldn’t be singing _that_ song to him. Not after five years, after all that had happened between them.

He still remembered the first time they had heard it together. It had been a couple of months after the had started going out, when everything was still too new for Howie and he was terrified that his parents would find out that he was dating a guy.

Chris had said he understood and that particular night they had stayed at the dorms, just listening music on the radio and enjoying being with each other. Howie couldn’t say that he remembered what it felt like to have Chris in his arms, but he remembered that he felt really happy back then.

The song had started on the radio, and Howie had mentioned how Bob Dylan’s songs always sounded better when someone else sang them. Chris, for his part, had insisted that Dylan’s unique voice gave the songs character. Then they had talked about their favorite songs, and Chris had told him that if there was one song he had never fully liked was ‘Don’t Think Twice’.

“No matter if you’re the one singing it, or the one to whom he’s singing... either way you’re fucked,” he had said. “Either you lost the possible love of your life because someone else fucked him over, or you have never been loved and are convinced that you never will be loved because of what some jerk did to you.”

“You think the song’s about that?” Howie had looked at Chris, puzzled. “I never saw it that way.”

“What do you think it’s about?” Chris had then asked, leaning his head on Howie’s shoulder.

“I think it is about walking away from love, because you’re afraid of loving. Just because one person hurt you once, you simply keep going away from everyone else,” Howie shrugged. “But you’re right. Either way, it’s a very sad song.”

Chris then had changed the subject, as he usually did back then. He had always seemed to have the attention span of your average fruit fly, and Howie had sort of forgotten the conversation until their first big fight.

“No wonder why you thought that Dylan song was about fearing love! That’s all you do! You live being afraid!”

When Chris had yelled that at him, Howie had felt incredibly hurt. Not because Chris had used his own words against him, but because it was obvious that Chris _didn’t_ understand all the things Howie could lose if their relationship was known by everyone at college.

But they had patched up things, and the song had never been mentioned again.

Apparently, after six years, Chris still remembered and wasn’t ready to forgive.

I’m walking down a long lonesome road, babe  
Where I’m bound I can’t tell  
But goodbye is too good a word, babe  
So I’ll just say fare the well.  
I won’t say you treated me unkind  
You could’ve done better but I don’t mind.  
You just kind of wasted my precious time  
But don’t think twice it’s all right.

Chris finished the song to a more subdued applause, and he understood that some people in the audience were trying to understand exactly why he had chosen that particular song after what he had said.

He couldn’t see Howard’s expression very well, but he guessed that unless the guy was more heartless than Chris thought, it wouldn’t be a happy one.

“Maybe that was a little too sad right now, right?” he asked the audience, trying to ignore the corner where Howie was. “I promise I’ll try to be more upbeat for the rest of the show.”

* * *

Alan’s show was six songs long, but true to his promise he did sang more happy songs –except for a very weird guitar version of ‘Piano Man’- and by the end of the set, Joey didn’t know what to do with himself.

He still wanted to strangle Lance, since if Lance hadn’t invited everyone he would not be so afraid of talking to the singer. Now, he guessed, he knew how teenies felt when they came to ask for his autograph at meet and greets and similar events.

He also wanted to strangle Justin, since it was obvious that Justin knew Alan. There wasn’t much logic behind why Justin deserved to be strangled, but Joey figured that if Justin had looked surprised during that second song it was because he had done something to Alan so it was a good reason to strangle him.

Howie D. was also in the ‘to kill, or possibly maim’ list, since the Backstreet Boy had looked positively guilty during the whole show.

Then, there was the fact that he wanted to figure out a way to talk to Alan, away from the rest of the group and he still hadn’t found a better line than “Hi, you look familiar, have I seen you somewhere before?”

Even if it was true, it still sounded like a bad pick up line.

He saw how Alan got up from his stool, bowed to the audience and promised to be back next weekend. Joey stood up, ready to walk towards the man and try to talk to him away from both groups, at the same time that Justin and Howie did while the others looked at them, puzzled.

Before he or Justin did anything, Howie spoke up.

“Chris! Wait, we need to talk!”

To be continued...


	6. My Boyfriend's back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *N Sync and the BSB find some surprises about Howie’s past.

“Chris! Wait, we need to talk!”

At the sound of the familiar voice Chris turned around against his best judgment. He hadn’t even been able to walk a couple of steps away from the stage, so everyone in the nearby seats turned to see what was going on.

Howard looked too good, Chris mused. He had let his hair grown long and had ironed it so it fell straight and not curly as it did before. He was wearing an expensive leather jacket, and a blue shirt underneath. He looked pleased with himself. That much hadn’t changed.

Although Chris had imagined a thousand different ways this meeting would occur, none of them had been like this. Not in the Cauldron, just the day when Chris had decided to stop waiting for Howard to return.

“Howard,” he breathed deeply. After the fight with Daniel he wasn’t in a very patient mood. “What are you doing here?”

“A... friend invited me and some friends to have dinner here,” Howard was smiling and that only made Chris’s feel numb. “I didn’t know you were living in Albany.”

“You wouldn’t,” he conceded. “I mean, it’s not as if you asked Dave about me last time you called him.”

“Dave?” Howard frowned slightly. “I last talked to him... seven months ago. He never mentioned he was still in contact with you.”

“And you didn’t think to ask,” Chris turned his head towards the exit. “Look, Howard. Nice to see you and all, but I have to go.”

“Wait!” Howard stepped forward and grabbed Chris’s hand before he could walk away.

“Howard, you don’t want to do this,” Chris warned.

“Chris, please... I...” Howard paused, looking down before whispering. “The song... you sang it because you saw me, right?”

Chris bit his tongue in an effort not to yell. Howard had recognized the song, had remembered what it meant, but because he was with his ‘friends’, he couldn’t even ask out loud the question. As if anyone who hadn’t been with them that night would understand why it was a relationship song for both of them.

Howard’s friends obviously didn’t know that Howard had dated him.

Curious despite his anger, he looked up in the direction of the table where he had seen Howie. Now that the lights weren’t shining right into his eyes, he could see better who had accompanied his ex. There were four surprised guys whom he didn’t recognize even when they looked vaguely familiar, and next to them Justin, Joey and the two other members of *N Sync.

Apparently, he and Howard had more common acquaintances besides Dave.

“Yeah, I did,” he didn’t yell, but he didn’t whisper either. “And I think you know why, Howard.”

Howard closed his eyes for a moment. “Damn, Chris... You can’t mean that. It’s been a long time since...”

“Since we last saw each other?” Chris finished, with a half laugh. “Yeah, you can say that. And we didn’t exactly end in a high note so why don’t we just go our separate ways?”

“Chris, I am trying here!”

“Trying what, exactly?” Chris turned his attention completely to Howard, fully aware that the only reason he felt so mad at the moment was because this was the last straw for him. Daniel, Joey, Justin... it was too much already and adding Howard to the mix only helped to make him explode. “You walked out of my life six years ago, Howard, never even calling me to tell me you were still alive and trust me, when you didn’t come back after a week I was worried mad for you, so excuse me if I’m not jumping out of joy at seeing you again!”

* * *

Joey couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

Taking inventory of all that had happened in less than three hours, Joey could summarize it like this: Alan Kirkpatrick was in fact a Christopher, and knew Howie D and probably Justin too, judging by Justin’s shocked expression. That Joey was finally sort of meeting a friend of Justin’s named Chris was filed for later examination, because it was obvious that Howie did know Chris enough to call him by his first name and that there was some heavy back story between the two.

Back story that was probably not known to the other Backstreet Boys judging by the way they kept looking at Howie and Chris.

The discussion started growing in volume, and the woman who had introduced Chris as Alan to the audience walked towards the shorter man.

“Sunshine? You need help?” she asked. Joey could tell that she cared deeply about Chris. He wondered if Chris had come here after that night at the Little Cabaret.

“I’m all right, Megan,” Chris smiled weakly. He looked drained, thought Joey. “Howard’s leaving.”

Chris turned his back on them, walking to a door in the corner of the room. Joey figured that that was it, Howie had messed up whatever he was planning to do and now they had to leave.

He had Chris’s name, but he would not be able to introduce himself at the moment. Especially if Chris concluded that Joey was Howie’s friend.

However, Howie decided to follow Chris. The rest of the Backstreet Boys followed Howie; Justin followed Nick and before Joey could say how he thought this was a very bad idea, they were all entering a smaller room that looked like if it was used as both an office and a dressing room.

“We’re not finished, Chris. We really need to talk!” Howie said, as soon as the other man stopped before a chair in front of a mirror. In the reflection, Joey could see Chris’s eyes shimmering behind his glasses.

“Howard, do you want me to spell it out for you? I. Really. Don’t. Want. To. See. You. Right. Now.”

Joey flinched at the tone, even if the words weren’t directed at him. He turned around to see that Lance had closed the door behind them. On the door’s window he could see the red haired woman, Megan, arguing with Lonnie and the other bodyguards.

“Chris, you’ve got to give me a chance to explain...”

Joey turned his attention to the discussion inside. Even when he was aware that this was supposed to be a private conversation between the two men, that he and the others should be on the other side of the closed door, he couldn’t deny that he wanted to hear what had happened to make Chris so angry at Howie.

“Fine,” Chris crossed his arms across his chest. “Tell me why you think I should even listen to you after six years.”

* * *

“Tell me why you think I should even listen to you after six years.”

Howie took a deep breath. He hated seeing Chris like that.

“I was mad at you,” he finally said. “That’s why I didn’t call at first. Then I got this huge chance, and I took it. And I thought you would hate me for not calling and I just... let time pass.”

“And now you’re back,” Chris looked down. It was as if he was trying to remain calm. “Great. Still not seeing why I’m supposed to listen to you.”

“Chris...”

“No, Howard,” Chris stopped him by raising his hand. Howie knew right then that the only reason why Chris wasn’t yelling was because they were more or less in public. That gave him a little hope, that Chris still cared enough for him if he wasn’t willing to make a scene. “I don’t want to hear that you were afraid again. I had more of enough of that last time.”

“You obviously never listened to it in the first place,” Howie felt hurt that Chris would still, after five years, not understand why he had been so against certain things in their relationship. “If you had, then I wouldn’t have had the need to keep repeating it.”

Chris looked up, to meet Howie’s eyes. Howie felt a pang of shame because behind the anger, he could see that Chris was hurt. However, it was just a passing feeling. He was getting hurt there too, and no matter how many times Kevin had told them that they needed to take the moral high road, Howie felt himself incapable of it.

He hadn’t done anything to warrant Chris singing that song to him upon seeing him after six years. Chris had practically dragged their relationship into the open with that.

“I listened, and I tried to understand you, Howard,” Chris said through clenched teeth. “But it was never enough for you.”

“It would have been enough if you really understood,” Howard closed his eyes. “But I see that nothing really changed, did it? It has to be your way.”

“No one forced you to come here,” Chris didn’t seem willing to listen. “I told you to leave me alone.”

“So what? So later you could complain that I didn’t call?”

“That depends!” Chris finally yelled. “Are you planning on disappearing for *six* years again?”

* * *

“Are you planning on disappearing for *six* years again?”

When the singer tried to brush Howie off, AJ got worried. He had known Howie half his life and he had never met someone who didn’t like Howie instantly. Seeing someone mad at Howie was just not possible in his world.

The conversation went from the hushed curt answers from Chris to the full blown yelling, and AJ started to piece together a picture that wasn’t at all like his mental picture of Howie.

At first he had thought that Howie and the guy had been friends, which for some reason had had a fall out. Maybe the guy had been jealous that Howie had the chance to go to Germany and was now a member of one of the most popular groups of the moment, it was possible after all. But soon he realized that even when neither guy was acknowledging it, they couldn’t be talking about just friendship.

That simply didn’t sound like the Howie AJ knew. The Howie that hadn’t had a serious girlfriend ever since the group started to get big because he thought it wouldn’t be fair to the girl to see that Howie would never be around because of their schedules. Because Howie didn’t want to subject someone to paparazzi and rumors.

AJ couldn’t imagine _that_ Howie with a male lover.

“It was not on purpose.” Howie said, after a long pause. “I told you Chris, something came up. I wasn’t even in the country for a year. And when I got back, you weren’t there.”

“Dave still has my phone. I talk to him almost every other month, Howard,” Chris looked like if he was about to burst. It occurred to AJ that either the guy was a good actor or he had no idea who the Backstreet Boys were, even when he had seemed to recognize *N Sync. There hadn’t been a flicker of recognition in his eyes for him and his band mates, not even when Howie mentioned leaving the US.

“I already told you why I didn’t call,” Howie was looking to the ceiling, a sure sign that he was about to loose his temper. “I was afraid _this_ would happen.”

“_This_ wouldn’t happen if you hadn’t taken five years to find me. I know you, Howard. You didn’t try to find me because you were afraid of having a confrontation so you kept living happily ever after not caring about what happened to me,” Chris was shaking his head. “I mean, it isn’t as if you were actually _looking_ for me today, is it? I bet it was just... chance that you and your friends choose this place to have dinner.”

AJ frowned. Yeah, it had been chance that they were there. Howie hadn’t planned for Nick to be Justin’s friend, or for Kevin to call JC so they would leave New York in a hurry to end up trying to make peace with *N Sync. It had been Lance the one who had selected that particular place to eat and it wasn’t as if Lance knew that this guy was Howie’s friend.

He risked a glance at the *N Syncer, frowning deeper when he saw that the southern man was paying attention to the conversation but didn’t look surprised. Not like the rest of them.

Even Kevin, who was usually unflappable, looked as if he was standing in front of a freight train.

Hell, AJ felt as if he was the one in front of a train, even if he had no part in the actual fight before them.

* * *

“I mean, it isn’t as if you were actually _looking_ for me, is it? I bet it was just... chance that you and your friends choose this place to have dinner.”

Chris looked at Howard, wishing like mad that his former lover contradicted him. He didn’t want to hear that it was true, that Howie hadn’t planned at all to see him again, even when it was obvious that the latter was the case.

“It was chance,” Howard admitted, breaking the last of Chris’s hopes. “But it isn’t what you think, Chris. I did care about you; it was just that I... I didn’t want to cause you more troubles.”

“When you care about people, Howard, you don’t just disappear.”

“What did you want me to do, then? Drop everything in my life just to find you? You wanted me to beg for forgiveness after... after that?” Howie came closer to him, as if he wanted a little bit more privacy.

Well, tough luck, thought Chris. It wasn’t _his_ friends the ones who followed into a private conversation.

“A phone call wasn’t that much of a chore, Howard. Then maybe you would know why I am in Albany and not in Orlando.”

“I’m sorry, all right. I apologize,” Howard was really close to yelling, Chris noted. And he could tell that he was keeping his temper somewhat under control in a way that could only come from practice. Apparently, Howard had honed his ability to maintain a certain image in public. “Can we move on?”

Perhaps it was the way in which it seemed that Howard was dismissing him, after not listening to the fact that Chris didn’t want to talk to him at that particular moment. Perhaps it was just that he was tired, but Chris couldn’t keep the venom out of his next words.

“I already did, Howard. You’ve been part of my past for a while now.”

* * *

Joey would admit that he had some troubles following the conversation between the two men because both were talking about a history he didn’t know. But when Chris admitted that Howie was part of his _past_, he couldn’t but feel a little relieved.

When the conversation had progressed and he realized that they could only be talking about the fact that they had been a couple, Joey had been afraid that he would end up witnessing the two of them fixing whatever had happened and being together again.

“Your past?” Howie didn’t seem to be reacting that well to the news.

“Yes, Howard. My past. Now, please, do me a favor and stay there.” Chris sounded really tired.

“Chris... please, there must be something I can do to fix this,” Howie was now pleading, but even so, he still sounded angry. Joey looked at the door again and by doing so he caught sight of Brian, who was doing the same.

It was good to know he wasn’t the only one who felt he was intruding.

“Maybe...” Kevin started to say, and both arguing men turned to see him. “Maybe we should leave you two alone.”

“Good idea,” Chris agreed, pointing to the door.

“Don’t move,” Howie practically growled. “You stay here.”

Joey blinked. It was definitively weird to see Howie, the one who was usually presented as the nicest guy of the Backstreet Boys, growling at Kevin Richardson.

“This is new,” Chris seemed to think the same. “You usually didn’t want to have witnesses.”

“Maybe I’ve changed,” Howie half spat. “Even when you seem to think I’m still the idiot kid you knew.”

“Or maybe you’re just afraid of what I would say if we were left alone,” Chris turned his eyes towards the opposite wall. To Joey, Chris seemed like a caged animal looking to hurt anything on his path to freedom. Since he, *N Sync, and the Backstreet Boys were standing in front of the only door of that room, Joey figured there was a very good chance that they would find themselves as targets of that anger.

* * *

“There’s nothing you could say that would make me fear you,” Howie lied. He knew Chris knew he was lying, but he couldn’t admit it out loud.

The whole thing had spiraled out of his control, and now he had no idea of where he was standing.

“Howard, don’t push me.” While it was true that he had changed in ways Chris couldn’t imagine, Howie had to admit that Chris had changed too. The Chris he remembered wouldn’t have been so adamant in his defense, would have forgiven him even if his apology wasn’t good enough.

Instead, Chris was guarding himself and Howie didn’t know how to make him stop.

“If you think I’m pushing you, Chris, it is because you were a good teacher. You were always pushing me around.”

“God, listen to yourself,” Chris sighed, like he always did when he was losing his patience. “One would think that meeting me was the worst thing that could have happened to you.”

“Sometimes I think it was!” Howie knew telling that particular truth was not exactly the best idea, but if Chris wanted to play dirty, he would say it, no matter how nasty it sounded. “You obviously never noticed that you turned my life around.”

“I never forced you to stay,” Chris said. “In fact, you were pretty free to leave when you wanted, remember?”

“You’ll never forgive me that, will you?”

“No. I’ve already forgiven that. It’s six *years* in the past,” Chris looked straight into Howie’s eyes. “What I can’t forgive is you coming back now, trying to act as if there was nothing more important in my life than forgiving you.”

“I’m not acting that way!” Howie tried to defend himself. “I only want to...”

“What if I hadn’t been alone tonight, Howard?” Chris interrupted. “What if my current partner was here, waiting for me? You wouldn’t have cared! You would have barged in here with your... your posee... and demanded my time and attention anyway! You simply don’t care what’s going on with my life!”

“So there’s another one already?” Howie snorted, no longer caring about Chris’s feelings since his own were so hurt. “Because then technically you cheated on me this six years because we never really broke up. I am still your boyfriend!”

As soon as the words were out of his mouth, Howie regretted them. Chris’s face closed in anger, and he could have heard a pin drop in the room.

If he had been looking for the one thing that Chris would never forgive him for saying, he had found it.

“Then officially, right now, consider us over, Howard,” Chris said, not looking at him. He breathed deeply, and reached to his neck. To Howie’s surprise, he took off a silver necklace.

A necklace Howie had given him for their first month anniversary, which Chris had never taken off when they had been together.

Chris looked at the necklace in his hand, took Howie’s hand and gave it to him, closing Howie’s hand with his own before walking to the door.

The two groups, shell shocked at Howie’s admission, moved back. Howie thought he saw something odd in Joey’s gaze, but he was too numb to recognize it.

As soon as he reached the doorknob, Chris turned around to see Howie one last time with a devastated look.

“Congratulations, by the way,” He said, his voice strangely subdued. “You just told your friends you’re bisexual and the world didn’t end.”

Then, he was gone.

* * *

Justin was shocked.

He had been in shock during practically the whole conversation, and couldn’t actually remember having been dragged into the small meeting room. He barely remembered everything that Chris had yelled to Howie, and just part of what Howie had yelled to Chris.

Still, he could say that he had gotten the main gist of it.

Chris was gay. Or bisexual. Whatever. Chris had dated Howie D. of the Backstreet Boys. And Justin hadn’t known.

Maybe Justin didn’t know Chris as well as he thought he did.

It didn’t make any difference in his mind. Chris’s private life was private and it didn’t change the fact that he was going to be joining *N Sync as soon as Justin could convince his band mates of that.

Still, what had happened was going to make things a little more complicated because Justin didn’t know what the others would think about Chris being gay. Plus now Chris probably thought that Justin was Howie’s friend and had been the cause of Howie bothering him so much.

When Chris left the room, Justin started to follow him but Nick stopped him, grabbing his shoulder.

“If I were him... I would like some time alone, J.” Nick said, whispering. The silence in the room now that Chris had left was almost deafening.

“I think,” Lance was the one who finally spoke out loud. “that we’ve done more than enough damage for one night. We do have guest rooms at the house if you want to stay here instead of sleeping in the buses, Kevin, because I think it’s best if we leave now.”

“We’ll stay. Thank you, Lance.” Kevin was looking at Howie as if he hadn’t even known him. Justin understood that feeling. He didn’t know Howie enough, but he had thought he knew Chris and the whole scene had made him doubt that.

Justin was grateful that Kevin accepted. If the Backstreet Boys stayed, he could talk a little more with Nick and right now, he needed it. He needed to find a way to fix the mess he had accidentally caused.

* * *

Chris walked home, feeling drained.

It was over. It was finally over after five long years.

He had been the one to walk out on Howard this time, and despite the sadness, despite the emtpiness he felt now, he also felt free.

For the first time in years, he wouldn’t go to bed wondering where Howard was, if he was thinking of him, if he regretted leaving and not looking back... if he was even alive.

Daniel had been right in the mark when he had said that Chris hadn’t forgotten Howard. Chris still had thought of him so often it even hurt some days.

Now he had a bittersweet closure, which did taste a little like defeat.

For the first time since they had met, Howard had called Chris his boyfriend. It was too little, too late, but even so, Chris couldn’t deny it was a small victory.

The walk had calmed his anger, his hurt pride and his aching soul. Now he realized that it probably had been Justin who invited Howard to the Cauldron, and that Howard was probably Justin’s friend. Chris had never told Justin he was gay, and Howard probably had never told him either, so the kid had no way to know this would happen.

Chris had ruined his dinner, and that made him feel bad. He would call later to apologize, and to answer any questions Justin had, as long as they weren’t about Howard.

He reached the door of his house, and smiled before opening it.

All in all, it hadn’t been that bad of a night. The new songs had been well received, maybe now Justin would see that Chris wasn’t missing anything in his life so he would stop looking guilty when they talked again.

Getting closure with both Daniel and Howard so close one to another had been hard, but Chris figured the worst of the storm had passed.

His neck felt strangely light, but he knew it was just lack of habit. After six years, he simply wasn’t used not to feel the weight of his necklace around it.

It was all right.

Time, he had discovered, healed all the pain.


	7. Human on the Inside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Both the Backstreet Boys and *N Sync discuss what happened at the Witch Cauldron.

During the ride back to their Albany house, Joey felt that he could cut the tension with a knife.

Howie hadn’t said a word since Chris had given him the necklace and he was currently holding it in his hands, staring at it. None of the other Backstreet Boys tried to talk to Howie, and Joey couldn’t really blame them. The whole spectacle had shown him a side of Howie that Joey never imagined existed.

Kevin looked immersed deep in his thoughts, his eyes closed. Or maybe he was just asleep. AJ looked at Howie, as if he wanted to say something, thought better of it, and then looked at Kevin, as if waiting for some sort of signal, finally lighting a cigarette in an obvious attempt to keep himself busy. Brian was apparently asleep.

Nick, the only one of the Backstreet Boys not huddled in the front of the car with the rest of the group, was sitting next to Justin, whispering to Justin’s ear while Justin kept nodding. The kid seemed devastated and Joey figured this was not the time to ask him how he knew Chris.

Joey wasn’t stupid. He knew that they had to apologize to Justin because unless he was mistaken, Chris was the guy who they had believed to be Justin’s imaginary friend.

JC kept looking at the Backstreet Boys as if they were going to pounce on him and attack at the slightest movement. Of all of them, JC had been the one who took all the media war between both bands to the heart the most and Joey could bet that JC was still mulling over the fact that Justin and Nick were friends. JC was like that, keeping it all inside until he blurted out his thoughts in the most unexpected ways.

Lance was sitting next to Joey and for once, he wasn’t smiling. His gaze was locked on Howie, and his mouth set in a tight line.

Joey wondered what was going on in Lance’s head.

As soon as they arrived to the heavily secure house, Lance showed the extra rooms to the Backstreet Boys. As the other band walked away, Joey decided to call it a night and with just a wave of his hand he said good night to his own band mates.

Lance, however, didn’t seem to get the hint since he followed Joey right to his room.

“You have to make a choice, Joey,” Lance said when they were alone in Joey’s room.

“What do you mean, Lance?” Joey was tired, and wasn’t in the mood to play the guess game.

“I assume you were paying attention to what happened tonight,” Lance leaned against the wall next to the door. “This Chris fellow...”

“Is Justin’s friend. Yeah, I saw that,” Joey said, but Lance shook his head so Joey kept going. “He’s also Howie’s ex.”

“I wasn’t just talking about that.” Lance looked really serious, and Joey figured that as usual, he knew a lot more than what he was saying. “I know you, Joey. You were planning on either going next Saturday to see if you could talk to Chris without the others, or asking me if I could give you his home address and go there as soon as possible, doing the knight in shinning armor bit and sweeping him off his feet. You have a crush, Joey and you can’t deny it. You looked ready to throtle Howie for yelling at Chris and you haven’t even exchanged a word with him yet.”

“You know where Chris lives?” If Lance knew that, Joey would have to rethink his stance on Lance doing stalker jobs as a hobby and start thinking about the possibility that maybe Lance was telepathic. “You haven’t talked to him either!”

“Joey, of all the things I said, you choose to fixiate on that?” Lance smiled, amused. “At least you didn’t deny you have a crush.”

Joey flushed and sat on his bed. “The truth is hard to deny,” he said, looking down. “I don’t know, Lance. Right now? Even if I can’t remember where I met Chris, I don’t care. I probably wouldn’t have fixiated on him if I wasn’t sure I know him from somewhere, but after tonight? You’re right.”

“And if you saw the same scene I did, you will realize that he’s not just experimenting. He must have had at least one lover besides Howie and he doesn’t seem the type to enjoy the closet,” Lance pointed out. “And on the other hand, you have a reputation with the ladies, as misguided as it might be. As far as we know, you have never had a boyfriend. I don’t think Chris is up for being another pop star’s gay phase.”

Joey frowned. Lance was right, as always.

He had to wait and think things through before trying to see Chris again. A harmless crush was one thing, as long as he didn’t try anything it would be alright. But if he planned on aproaching Chris, then things were different.

Joey might not know the guy, not as Howie obviously did, but he didn’t want to be the next man to put that dissapointed look in Chris’s eyes.

* * *

“Where’s Howie?”

The Backstreet Boys were sitting in the room that Kevin, Brian, and Nick were sharing for the night. Kevin had called for a group meeting, so AJ had simply left his bag in the room that he was going to share with Howie and joined the others.

Howie had stayed behind, still staring at the silver necklace in his hands.

“Do you want me to go get him?” AJ asked.

“Perhaps we should first think of what we’re going to tell him.” Brian shook his head as he spoke.

“What’s there to think about?” Nick was already lying on his chosen bed, eyes closed. “He’s an ass, he needs to apologize and that’s it.”

“Nick,” Kevin admonished.

“What? It is the truth.” Nick didn’t even open his eyes.

“We really don’t know what happened between them.” AJ still had some trouble believing what he had seen. Howie could simply not be that spitefull. “Maybe we’re just missing the bigger picture.”

“Did you hear the same thing we did?” Nick sat up straight, looking at AJ. “God, even if that Chris guy was an ass six years ago, what Howie did was shitty.”

“Maybe,” Kevin began, only to be interrupted by Nick.

“Don’t maybe me. You wouldn’t have done that to Kristen. When we left for Germany, you broke things up with her because you didn’t want to make her wait for who knew how long, and even when you were faithful to her all that time, you weren’t expecting her to be. And I know that if things hadn’t worked with her, you wouldn’t have paraded us in front of her when you saw her again!”

“I don’t know about parading...” AJ said, quietly. “We were the ones who followed him...”

“And when we were about to leave, he told us to stay!” Nick was starting to lose his patience. “He wanted us to see what was going on! The guy was alone in that room and Howie couldn’t just say whatever he wanted to say without nine other guys having his back!”

AJ lowered his eyes. Nick had a point, no matter how much AJ wished to deny it. Kevin hadn’t done something that low to Kristen; Brian had never dragged the whole group into a discussion with his girlfriends; even AJ, who right now was just enjoying one night stands with nameless groupies, wouldn’t have been so callous.

He licked his lips nervously. He needed a drink.

“Whatever I did or I didn’t do with Kristen is not an issue right now,” Kevin said, still calm. “And we can’t force Howie to do anything. Our lives outside of what we do as a band are private, and we’ve always respected that.”

“Bullshit!” Nick snorted. “If that was true, you guys wouldn’t be here! You all came running because I was with *N Sync, so don’t tell me we’re not butting into everyone’s private lives!”

“Enough!” Brian stood up, and AJ almost jumped. It was unusual to see Brian raise his voice like that. “Nick is right. Howie should apologize but even when we can suggest he does so, we can’t force him to, just as we can’t force Nick not to be Justin’s friend. In any case, we also have some apologies to do. To Nick, for not trusting his judgment when it comes to friendship, and to *N Sync, because whatever else happened tonight they were trying to extend the olive branch and this messed that up.”

Kevin nodded, looking at the group. Nick seemed content with that, since he lay down on bed again.

“Who will talk to Howie, then?” Kevin asked after a few moments of silence. “Whatever he does about his friend, he’ll have to be with us when we apologize to the others.”

“I’ll do it.” AJ offered, standing up. He was Howie’s best friend, after all. He would be able to make head or tails of whatever was going on.

* * *

Howie barely registered when the door of the room opened.

He was still repeating in his mind the discussion he’d had with Chris just hours before.

It had been pretty much like their last conversation before he went away, before he put six years, an ocean, and thousand teenies between the two.

They had gone out to the movies, one of the few dates they’d had in public. Chris had been happy, telling Howie about a letter his mom had written to him, about how cute Taylor was in her baby pictures, and his dreams of someday making it as a singer.

Everything had gone downhill when they had bumped into some of Hoiwe’s old high school friends. Panicking, Howie had introduced Chris as his cousin.

The trip back to the dorms had been made in silence. Chris became guarded and sullen, and Howie hadn’t realized at the time what he had done wrong.

“Are you that ashamed of me?” Chris asked, as soon as they were alone in Chris’s room. “Next time you will say you don’t even know me?”

“Chris... don’t be like that,” Howie had tried to reason. “You know I’m not like you. I can’t.”

That had been the beginning of their worst fight. At the end of it, when he had simply walked away from his lover of six months, Howie had felt so drained that he had gone home to put his thoughts in order.

Weeks later, on the day he’d thought about calling Chris, he had gone to an audition he was sure he wouldn’t get. Before he knew it, Howie was so inmmersed in the Backstreet Boys that thoughts of Chris had just gone to the back of his mind.

There was one thing Howie did remember with clearity of that fight, though. Chris hadn’t taken his necklace off that time.

“Howie...”

AJ’s voice pulled him out of his memories, and Howie forced himself to look up at his best friend. His best friend who was now probably sick at the thought of sharing a room with Howie, now that he knew he was bisexual.

The others probably would never want to see him again.

“Did they send you to tell me to pack my bags and leave?” he asked.

“Don’t be so dramatic, Howie.” AJ sat next to him. “You sure shocked us but no one wants you to go.”

Howie shook his head, sadly. “I can’t believe you, AJ. I lied to you guys for years, and if this gets out...”

“Is that what worries you?” AJ sounded shocked. “Howie, that’s bullshit. The fans won’t believe you had a boyfriend unless there are pictures, and from what I heard, this Chris guy wouldn’t go and sell your story to the tabloids. I don’t know a lot about your family, but I doubt they will care much for it. We don’t care either, so don’t tell me you’re worried about public opinion after what you did.”

“What I did?” Howie frowned. Whatever AJ was getting at, he didn’t quite understood it. “I didn’t do anything.”

“Howie, you were an ass,” AJ said, taking off his glasses. “I don’t know the whole story with the guy, but what you said was fucked up.”

“He started it,” Howie defended himself. “Chris always started it. I just wanted to... I don’t know. See how he was doing.”

“After six years?” AJ lifted his eyebrow. “Howie, why did you wait so long? It sounded like the last time you talked, you fought or something.”

“We did, and it was his fault,” Howie mantained. Chris hadn’t understood then, and no matter how much he’d tried, Howie had never been able to make him understand.

AJ looked like if he doubted Howie’s words, but instead of saying anything, he just went to his own bed. “Whatever you say, Howie, whatever you say. The guys and I think you should apologize, but you do what you want. Good night.”

* * *

Nick waited until Kevin and Brian were asleep to leave the room and go to Justin’s room.

He had seen Justin’s face when Howie yelled at Chris, and Nick knew that Justin would need a friendly ear.

“J? You’re awake?” He knocked on the door that Justin had told him led to his room.

After a few seconds, a very awake Justin opened and dragged him inside. It looked as if Justin hadn’t even tried to fell asleep.

“It’s all ruined!” Justin told Nick as he paced on the room. “Chris probably hates me now!”

“I think Chris realized you didn’t know he knew Howie,” Nick pointed out, sitting on Justin’s bed. “I don’t think he’ll blame you for my band mate’s idiocy.”

“And I didn’t know he was gay!” Justin kept on. “How could I not know?”

“Well, Justin... you were kind of young when you met him,” Nick sighed. “Is that a problem? Chris being gay and all?”

“Nah,” Justin smiled. “I have other gay friends, you know? I just don’t know how the others will react. And now I have to think of a way to get Chris to accept be part of *N Sync without the others complaining.”

“He has a nice voice. I don’t think you’ll have problems in that regard.”

“A great voice,” Justin corrected. “If he was on *N Sync, you guys wouldn’t see the dust of our sales.”

“I wouldn’t hold my hopes that high,” Nick smiled, thankful to see that Justin’s mood wasn’t that ruined. “But you would outsell Westlife.”

“We outsell Westlife now.” Justin punched him. “I have to go to apologize to Chris tomorrow.”

Nick sighed. “I wouldn’t do that, just yet.” Justin opened his mouth to contradict Nick, but Nick kept going. “I mean, yes, you do have to talk to him, but I would give him a little more time. Why don’t you go to the Cauldron next Saturday? Alone? Without the guys, you can talk to him and you will see that he doesn’t blame you for what happened tonight.”

“A week, huh?” Justin smiled. “I can do that.”

“And you can use the time to, I don’t know, mention to your manager that Chris does exist and maybe get him to listen to Chris sing? Because unless Johnny has mellowed out in the past few months, he won’t just accept Chris in just because you ask him nicely.”

* * *

After the Backstreet Boys left to continue their own tour, *N Sync was supposed to continue their rehearsals.

However, just an hour after they had started, Wade Robson left the room screaming mad.

“Either you get your heads off your asses, or I quit!” he yelled going out, slamming the door on his way.

Fifteen minutes later, Johnny Wright was coming in to do some damage control. Not that any of the guys had an excuse; they had been dancing badly, forgetting steps that they should have already mastered. It was one thing to mess up Space Cowboy, since it was more or less a new choreography, but when JC had forgot a whole sequence of I Want You Back there was no question that none of them had their heads on the rehearsal.

“Does this have anything to do with the Backstreet Boys’ visit yesterday?” Johnny asked, once he realized that the group was having trouble concentrating. At times like this, it was easy for Johnny to remember that at least half of the group was still very young.

“In part,” Lance said, softly.

“Totally,” JC agreed.

“Not really,” Joey muttered.

“Like hell,” Justin finished.

It took Johnny another fifteen minutes to see that there would be no agreement on exactly what was going on, so he ended up stricking a deal with the guys. He would allow them to have a free day that Monday, but they would get the coreographies done, with no mistakes, by Friday or else. When that happened, he couldn’t avoid feeling more like a parent than a manager. He left the room, suggesting that maybe they could use their free day to practice those steps.

“So what are we going to do?” JC asked, looking at the others.

“About what?” Joey asked, a little nervously.

“About everything,” JC elaborated. “Yesterday...”

“Nothing that happened yesterday should affect us,” Lance said. “Justin has friends, we were witnesses in an unfortunate incident, but there’s nothing we can do about either thing.”

“You guys met Chris,” Justin said. “Well, sorta. I wanted to introduce you guys, but then... well... it happened and I kind of forgot.”

“He seemed... nice, J,” Joey smiled. “Sorry for not believing you before.”

“It’s fine, Joey,” Justin answered. “Maybe we could go some other day, and then I can introduce you all. He’s really cool.”

“And he’s the guy you were going to introduce to me four years ago?” JC was frowning. “The one who gave you the idea of *N Sync?”

“Yeah,” Justin smiled. “He used to talk a lot of what one would need to make a group. The voices, the style. Everything. It was his big dream.”

* * *

Howie stared at his cell phone during almost the whole trip to Buffalo.

There were a lot of things he didn’t really understand about what had happened in Albany, the main one being what the hell was Chris doing there, singing in a coffee shop every weekend. The second one was why his bandmates acted as if what had happened was his fault.

If anyone was to be blamed, it was Nick. If Nick hadn’t kept his friendship with Justin a secret, they wouldn’t have gone to Albany.

Lance was also to blame. He had been the one to insist they went out to the Witch’s Cauldron, and Howie had the feeling that Lance knew Chris was going to be singing there.

He had to kill the paranoid feeling that maybe Lance had known about he and Chris. It was impossible that *N Sync’s bass singer knew that, even if he hadn’t looked surprised at all.

Obviously, it was all Chris’s fault, for being there when Howie didn’t expect to see him again; for still having that voice that called Howie’s attention no matter what; for singing that damned song that Howie had managed to forget in six years.

For not understanding what Howie had risked just by being with him, and making mountains of molehills; back then, during that last fight, and right now, in front of Howie’s friends.

Howie had asked them to stay because he didn’t want Chris to twist his words, as he always did when they were alone. When they had been alone, Chris always managed to make him feel bad even when Chris was always the one who apologized.

Their only fights had been about the things that Chris simply didn’t get about Howie.

Howie really didn’t understood why they all were insisting that he was the one who had to apologize now, when the whole mess was obviously not his fault. And he couldn’t apologize even if he wanted to, because he had no idea where to locate Chris. He didn’t even know what Chris was doing in Albany.

That worried him the most. Albany was not exactly the first place where he would imagine Chris would like to be: Orlando, his home in Pennsylvania, or maybe L.A.

While he couldn’t get any answers to his other questions, the last one could be answered with a simple phone call. There was one friend from his college days who apparently knew why Chris was singing in Albany, so maybe he would give Howie a phone number to locate Chris.

Chris was going to listen to Howie, no matter what.

 

* * *

“Yo, Dave here, who’s there?”

“Dave, it’s me, Howie.”

“Howard! How’s it going with the star biz?”

“It’s going. Say, you’re never going to believe who I thought I saw on the street yesterday.”

“Depends, where are you now? Japan? London? Brazil?”

“Albany. I saw...”

“Chris?”

“Yeah, what’s he doing here anyway? Last I heard he was in Orlando and his family lived in Pennsylvania.”

“Woo, you’re a little behind the news there, buddy. Chris moved to Albany three years ago.”

“Really? I didn’t have the chance to ask him... Why did he move?”

“Shit, man... I don’t know if I should tell you.”

“Hey, if he wanted to keep it a secret...”

“No, no. It’s not that. It’s just that, well... you did stop talking to the guy for no reason.”

“Dave, it was not like that.”

“Hey, I get it. You were shocked to find out he was gay. It happens.”

“He told you that?”

“No. We, the guys and I, figured that would be the reason when you stopped hanging around. Old news, man.”

“I... see. So… Chris in Albany? What’s the story behind that?”

“Oh. Well, after you left with your band, Chris’s mom got really sick...”

“How’s she? Chris loves her so much, I can imagine...”

“... shit, Howie. She died four years ago. That’s why Chris left Orlando. He has been taking care of his sisters since then.”

“Wait... What about Bev’s husband? I know he and Chris were pretty tight...”

“He was killed shortly after Bev died.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Shit, Howard...”

“No, I mean it, Dave. We talk often; didn’t it occur to you to tell me that our friend’s mom and dad died? I would have called Chris or something!”

“Hey, don’t blame me. It isn’t as if you asked! And when you bolted so fast and didn’t call him even to tell him you weren’t going to be his roommate for the last year as you guys had planned, we all kind of figured you wouldn’t care.”

* * *

Lance stood in front of the small house, checking the address on his palm pilot. He smiled, thinking of the look on Joey’s face if he knew where Lance was.

Lance knew exactly what the others thought of his habit of being on top of things; he also knew that they seemed to believe that there was something weird behind it. Some day he would tell them the truth of his methods but for now, it was fun to see them look very confused when he pointed something that was really obvious.

A very good example was the house in front of him. Figuring out the Kirkpatrick’s address hadn’t been that hard, although Lance was sure that if he explained it to Joey or Justin he wouldn’t get past explaining that he knew where Chris lived before both asked him how he always knew everything.

Justin had once called him evil mastermind when he thought Lance wasn’t listening. That was funny, since Lance had never once used any information he had on the others for his own gain. Knowing stuff was only a hobby to him.

Once he was sure that he was in the right place, he walked to the front door and rang the bell.

“I’m coming!” A female voice yelled from behind the door and a few seconds later, he could hear someone coming down the stairs. “Who is it?”

“Good afternoon, miss. I’m looking for Mr. Christopher Kirkpatrick?” Lance asked, and the door opened slightly.

“Who is looking for him?”

“My name is Lance, I’m a friend of Justin, Chris’s friend from Orlando. Can I come in? I’m afraid that last night I caused some problems for Mr. Kirkpatrick, and I came to apologize.”


	8. Torn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everybody talks. And in case you’re wondering, yes, Joey and Chris will talk soon... just not now.

When he and Emily got home, Chris was thinking about how much he really hated Mondays.

Every single student of his class wasn’t interested at all in paying attention to the class, and while he usually had enough patience to deal with even the most apathetic of them, after his particularly bad Sunday night he had just wanted to crawl under the desk and never come out. He had only gone to school because it would have been a terrible example for Emily if one of her teachers decided not to go to class just because he didn’t feel like going to school. Especially if said teacher was her older brother.

By two, even Emily was a little subdued. Apparently, her history teacher, Mr. Murgia, had decided to leave enough homework for a month of work and only gave the group three days to finish it.

“You will help me, right Chris?” she asked as they finally reached their home. “Just so he won’t hand me back my essay all filled in red marks.”

“You know the deal, Em,” Chris smiled, fumbling with the keys. “You write the essay, I check your grammar and explain where you went wrong. You decide if you listen to me or not.”

“I’ve gotten better,” Emily smiled, walking in front of him without waiting for him to close the door. “There aren’t that many... Oh MY GOD!”

Hearing her sister yell, Chris dropped his bag and ran inside not caring if he hadn’t actually closed the door.

In his mind, he was seeing Molly and Taylor dead, the house robbed, a cop, a thousand different things that could be wrong in a house where most of the time there were only two girls, no older than 24.

The last thing he was expecting was to see Emily staring with complete adoration to a blond man with green eyes that so far Chris had only seen in posters and behind Howard the night before.

“I’m sorry,” Molly was saying to him. “Emily is a big fan of yours. You’re her favorite.”

“It’s okay.” The man, Lance, if Chris’s memory didn’t lie to him, seemed amused at the situation. “It’s really flattering.”

“What’s going on here?” Chris asked, once he had calmed his own heart enough. He wasn’t intending to be rude, but he hadn’t expected to see one of Howard’s or Justin’s friends in his house.

“Mr. Kirkpatrick, I’m sorry for intruding,” Lance said. “I’m Lance Bass, I’m...”

“Justin’s band mate, I know,” Chris smiled, shaking Lance’s hand. “And please, call me Chris. Mr. Kirkpatrick makes me feel old.”

“He doesn’t even let us call him that in the classroom,” Emily blurted out, still amazed. Then she frowned and turned to see her brother. “Wait a minute! Why does he know you? Why is he here? Since when do you know Justin?! Why didn’t you told us you knew Justin?”

“Emily, don’t bite my head off, please,” Chris joked. He knew this was going to happen sooner or later, so he braced himself. “I met Justin five years ago in Orlando, before he formed *N Sync and I lost contact with him. I only saw him again on Saturday, but since I really hadn’t talked to him in such a long time, I didn’t want to mention it so soon. As to why Mr. Bass is here, I have no idea.”

“Lance, please,” Lance smiled to Emily, who smiled back before turning her attention to Chris.

“Stop. _You_ know _Justin_?” When Chris nodded, she turned to Lance. “You came to see my brother _Chris_ because he’s Justin’s _friend_?” Lance nodded too, still amused.

To Chris surprise, Emily squealed with joy and ran upstairs saying something that sounded a lot like ‘Ican’tbelievemybrotheris*nsync’schrismyfriendswon’tbelievemeatall’.

“Emily! Wait!” he tried to stop her, but Molly interrupted.

“I’ll talk to her. Don’t worry, I’ll keep her away from the phone.”

Before Chris could say anything, she was going up the stairs leaving him alone with Lance.

“Sorry about that,” Chris said, walking towards the kitchen. “Can I offer you something to drink? I’m not sure if we have something other than orange juice or water...”

“Water is all right with me,” Lance followed him to the kitchen and accepted the offered glass. “I’m sure you’re wondering what I am doing here.”

“So it wasn’t a clever plan make my sister’s brain turn to mush?” Chris couldn’t stop the joke. The truth was that he was nervous. He still didn’t know what Lance was doing there.

“No, that was an unexpected side effect,” Lance’s eyes were clear and Chris could see that the man was sincere. “I came to apologize for last night.”

“It’s me the one who should apologize,” Chris contradicted. “I shouldn’t have let Howard go that far.”

Lance looked incredulously at Chris. “Why don’t we both accept the other’s apology and leave it at that.”

“Sounds good to me,” Chris smiled.

* * *

“Where’s Lance?” JC asked Joey entering the small gym they had inside the house. Joey liked it because exercise helped him to focus.

“He said he needed to go out.” Joey put the weights on its place and sat straight. “Why?”

“I’m worried about Justin, and I wanted to ask Lance about a couple of things.” JC sat on the bench next to Joey. “What do you think about this Chris guy?”

“What’s there to think about him? He’s Justin’s friend, that’s all.”

“Justin will want to convince us to let him join the group,” JC stated, and Joey had to admit that the idea had crossed his mind too. “Since he thinks he owes Chris something.”

“At least he can sing,” Joey shrugged. “But I wouldn’t worry. The guy has a job and I don’t think Johnny is on board with the whole ‘*N Sync is supposed to have five members’ plan. Why you care?”

“We’ve worked hard for this, Joey.” JC opened his arms in an encompassing gesture.

“And?” Joey knew that sometimes JC could lose track of what he was saying if he wasn’t prompted to continue. It wasn’t because JC was easily distracted; it was because he had many things on his mind that sometimes he forgot that he hadn’t said whatever he was thinking out loud, before moving on to the next idea.

“Justin knows how hard we’ve worked for this. Same as the Backstreet Boys, no matter how much they say we didn’t,” JC continued. “Everyone in the business knows that it’s not just about having a nice voice and some talent.”

So that was it. Joey wished Lance was there, because Lance was much better than him when it came to put JC’s worries at ease.

“And Chris is not in the business, so he can’t know?” Joey didn’t particularly liked the direction the conversation seemed to be taking. If he wasn’t careful, he might let JC see why he had paid attention when Justin talked about Chris, and he wasn’t ready yet to have that conversation with JC.

“Something like that, yeah.”

“From what Justin said, Chris knows about hard work in a different way,” Joey looked at his friend. “And look, I really wouldn’t worry. Justin won’t be inviting Chris over just because. He would ask us first. And even if he asked, I swear to you that Johnny would never go for it. We are four, we will always be four.”

“I sound like an idiot, don’t I?” JC stood up. “You’re right. I’m probably making a big deal out of nothing. So... where’s Justin?”

“On the phone,” Joey laughed, although he couldn’t shake the feeling that JC hadn’t told him everything that worried him. “Apparently now that we know that he’s Nick’s friend, he spends the same amount of time with him and with Britney on the phone.”

* * *

“So, everything’s all right on your side?” Nick asked, as he checked his watch. He still had two hours before they all had to get ready for the concert so he wasn’t actually worried about it. He just didn’t want any of the others to interrupt him.

“Sort of,” Justin answered, though he didn’t sound happy. “Johnny gave us a free day since we almost drove Wade crazy after you guys left.”

“That means that you’ll have to work twice as much tomorrow, right?”

“Right. And it wasn’t just me. Even JC seemed out of it.”

“Well, you did change his word by talking to the evil Nick Carter,” Nick laughed. “And Howie didn’t help much, did he?”

“I think JC is actually happy to know he is an ass, but I have no idea what his damage is.”

“He’ll come out of it. Hopefully before you find a clever plan to make Johnny listen to Chris,” Nick smiled. “You do have a plan, right?”

“Not really. Invite him to go with us on Saturday sounds good. And hey, how are things back there? Did you guys talked to Howie?”

“AJ did,” Nick sighed. “Or at least, I think he did. Howie was pretty quiet on the way here.”

“No one bothered you about us?”

“Nah. I think they still haven’t really digested it. It’s like, they know we’re friends, but they don’t really get it.”

“Besides, there was the Howie thing.”

“There was the Howie thing.” Nick looked at the ceiling. He wished he was back in Albany, because right at the moment, the only thing that was keeping him from total boredom was talking to Justin. “You haven’t talked to Chris, have you?”

“Not yet. I think you were right. I should let him have some time before jumping on him. Besides, he’s a teacher. He must have a lot of work on Monday.”

“And what did the others have to say about Chris, anyway? Did they at least apologize for not believing you that he existed?”

“Oh, yeah, they did. And it was a little weird, because although Joey was the first to apologize, it was Lance the one who made a lot of questions.”

“Speaking of Lance, did you ever find out how he knew we were together?”

“No need. It’s Lance. He always knows. It’s creepy as hell, but you get used to it.”

* * *

“If you don’t mind me asking, Lance... Why did you come here?” Chris asked, after a few minutes of silence. “I can’t believe you just wanted to apologize for something that wasn’t even your fault.”

Lance smiled, he was expecting that question. “Mostly? I wanted to meet you. Justin talks about you all the time, and for a while, none of us believed you were real.”

“That explains a lot,” Chris laughed. “When Justin introduced me to Dre, it was as the guy who actually existed. I wondered about that.”

“Maybe it’s a recent development, but Justin tends to exaggerate,” Lance took a drink, ready to steer the conversation towards the subject he was interested in. “We tend to take what he says with a grain of salt.”

“I remember how it was. I just hope you realize that probably half the stuff he said wasn’t true.”

“So far, his description of you has been accurate.”

Lance looked amused at how Chris suddenly blushed at that small praise. He was telling the truth, though. Justin, obviously encouraged by the fact that now his friends believed him and weren’t humoring him, had talked a lot about Chris, both past and what little he knew of his present. Lance had seen Joey cling to every word about how Chris had been working his ass off in Orlando, sending the money to his mom and sisters while he finished college there, and all the funny stories Justin remembered about Chris when he went to visit Justin and his mom. It amused Lance to no end to see that Joey had either forgot his initial obsession with finding how he knew Chris, or had not made the mental math needed to see that they had probably met in Universal Studios. If they did, and Lance was sure they had, Chris would probably remember Joey sooner or later.

“Now I’m afraid to know what he’s been telling about me,” Chris sighed. “He is a great kid; fame doesn’t seem to have gotten to his brain.”

“We try to keep ourselves level-headed,” Lance realized that Chris didn’t know that much of *N Sync. That was curious, since Justin said he had been the master mind behind the group. “At first, we had too many troubles, between a lawsuit and the Backstreet Boys...”

“Howard’s group? You guys aren’t friends then?” Chris frowned, and Lance couldn’t stop a small chuckle. After talking to Molly, he understood why Chris hadn’t seemed to recognize the other band at the Cauldron. Apparently, his sisters were fiercely protective of him, so Chris had been mostly shielded from learning more than the Backstreet Boys’ names and the fact that Howie was a member. This was a feat Lance couldn’t help but admire, given the exposure the group had.

“A week ago, I would have said that we were bitter rivals,” Lance said, sighing. “We haven’t really talked much to them. We were under the same label when we started, and we’re sharing a new label again now, but we’re not really close.”

The play of emotions in Chris’s face would have been amusing, had it not be for the passing hurt that masked them all. “I was wondering were Justin had met Howard.”

“I meant it when I said I needed to apologize,” Lance explained. “The Backstreet Boys and *N Sync have been at each other’s throats since our European debut. Last night, we all learned that Justin has been Nick’s friend for half a year and I proposed that we all go down to have dinner at the Cauldron to see if we could stop our personal feuds once and for all. So, you see, it was my fault that we were there.”

“You couldn’t have known about Howard and me, Lance.” Chris smiled and now his eyes didn’t seem that sad. “I got the impression that Howard hadn’t told anyone about me or our relationship. So you can’t blame yourself.”

“Can I ask you something personal?”

“Go ahead.” Chris motioned him with the glass. “But if I don’t answer, don’t get mad.”

“Why did you and Howie break up? Six years ago?”

Chris sighed, and for a second Lance feared that he wouldn’t answer. But the man opened his eyes and smiled. “It’ll do me good to talk about it, I guess. And since you are not Howard’s friend, and you don’t really know me, you can tell me if I was an idiot. Six years ago, Howard introduced me as his cousin to some friends, and I lost it. Basically it boiled down that we had been dating for about half a year and Howard couldn’t even admit it to our trusted friends. My roommate thought I was Howard’s tutor, our mutual friends thought we just hang together a lot, and he panicked when I told my mom I had a boyfriend. That was the last straw for me. I may not be completely obvious, but I don’t hide who I am. So we fought, he left, six years later he comes back and I find out he didn’t consider getting out of my life as a break up.”

“I can’t say I blame you for yelling at him. And I really don’t think you’re an idiot,” Lance agreed. It had been the piece of the puzzle he had been missing, the reason of the fight. Now that he knew for sure, he could safely say that Nick Carter was right. Howie had been a complete ass.

“Funny thing, it wasn’t the first time he had done something similar, and it wasn’t the last time someone did it to me,” Chris confessed. It seemed as if he was at ease with Lance, and Lance was glad of that. In the couple of hours they had been talking, he had decided Chris could be a good friend. “So I shouldn’t have lost it with Howard. Not now, I mean. Back then? It was maybe the smartest thing I ever did.”

“You don’t sound mad at him,” Lance observed.

“I have no right to be. Howard wasn’t ready for the kind of relationship I wanted, and even though it took a while to get that into my brain now I understand it. You can’t ask a pig to fly, and then get mad because it can’t,” Chris laughed. “Last night, he caught me unaware and in a bad mood. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have argued with him. I usually try to leave the past in the past, you know? It’s healthier.”

* * *

“Kevin, you have a moment?” Brian entered his cousin’s hotel room just as Kevin was finishing his daily phone call to Kristen.

“Sure, Brian. What’s wrong?” Kevin had been expecting Brian’s visit all day, since the group meeting at *N Sync’s house. His cousin usually took his time before letting his opinion known and when it was something important, he normally told Kevin before bringing it out to the group.

Even though Brian was usually quoted as the clown of the group, mostly because he always was joking around with Nick, Kevin knew Brian could how to be serious when it was needed. It was always Brian who made the others think about the consequences of their actions.

Kevin didn’t doubt that Nick’s friendship with Justin was a direct consequence of the time that Brian had pulled their young friend aside, when Nick was only 15 or so, and asked him if he really wanted to figure out who his real friends were the day fame ran its course. It had been Brian who had asked Kevin how long he and Kristen were going to keep pretending they weren’t madly in love with each other. Thinking about it, it might have been better if they asked Brian to talk to Howie, instead of letting AJ do it.

Brian sat on the edge of the bed, obviously tired from that night’s show, and stayed there, silent, for a long time.

“Did you know Howie was bi?” Brian finally asked, and Kevin smiled to himself. He was expecting that question.

“No. I always figured him as a ladies’ man.”

“So did I.” Brian closed his eyes and let out a breath. “But it seems we were wrong.”

“And that worries you?” Kevin paused, finding the words of what he wanted to ask. “That Howie has had at least a boyfriend?”

“No,” Brian shook his head. “That’s his business, not ours. But we’ve been his friends for almost six years. And we didn’t know.”

“It’s not exactly something that comes up in regular conversations, Brian,” Kevin sighed. “It’s the same as with Nick’s friendship with Justin. We didn’t know because we didn’t ask.”

“And we didn’t ask where Nick disapeared to from time to time, why?” Brian looked straight into Kevin’s eyes and Kevin realized what was worrying his cousin. “We’ve always tried to be there for him, Kevin, and he knows it. But he managed to keep this huge secret without us knowing because we simply didn’t pay attention to him. The same goes for Howie, and I don’t mean that he had a boyfriend in college. Did you ever imagine that he could lose his temper like that?”

Kevin looked down. It was one of the things that had bothered him the most since Howie started arguing with the other guy. “No.”

“Neither did I. So now I’m wondering...” Brian sighed, and Kevin looked up to meet his eyes. “What else are we missing? What other things are we taking for granted?”

* * *

Chris closed the door of his house after watching Lance get into his car. Despite the fact that he had had his misgivings about Justin’s friends, he had to admit Lance was pretty cool.

“Is he gone?” Emily came down the stairs, followed by Molly and Taylor. “Why didn’t you tell me he was leaving? I wanted to say goodbye to him!”

“Sorry, Em. But he’s coming back,” Chris defended himself, and smiled. He had two days to make Emily promise to behave. “With the rest of the guys. This Wednesday.”

Chris had to admit it was funny to see his sister’s eyes get really wide, her mouth open like a goldfish. It wasn’t as funny when she let out a high-pitched shriek that almost deafened him for a second, but he wished he had a camera.

“The _guys_? _ALL_ of *N Sync?” she asked, when she managed to get her breath back. “Coming _HERE_?”

“Yes, the guys, all here. I invited them to have dinner with us,” Chris clarified. “But you got to promise me, Em, you won’t tell anyone at school. I saw the girls at the stadium the other day, and I don’t want to see the same thing happening in our front yard.”

Emily sighed. “Can I tell my friends I met them _after_ they start the tour?”

Chris looked up the ceiling, then to Molly and to Taylor, who was now happily sucking her finger.

“Sure you can. And I’ll get pictures so you can prove it,” Chris said, smiling. He knew his sister wouldn’t brag to her friends. She wasn’t like that, and the only thing she would do was to share it with her close group at school. She would probably just keep the pictures in her photo album to herself most of the time.

And if he did manage to get a nice picture of Joey, that didn’t look posed or media treated, well, Emily wouldn’t mind if he kept that one.

Chris wouldn’t even try to deny he thought Joey was really hot.

* * *

“I saw you at this bar... Little Cabaret? I wanted to talk to you but I kind of chickened out.”

Too pathetic.

“I’m pretty sure we’ve met before. Say, you know this place? Little Cabaret?”

Could work, if it wasn’t for the fact that Chris was the local and Joey the stranger.

“Do you believe in love at first sight?”

What was he? A fifteen year old girl?

“Hi. What a surprise seeing you here again! Look, sorry for last week. We didn’t really know those idiots.”

Open mouth, insert foot.

“You see, Justin has been a little down lately so I was wondering if you could...”

“Come to the house one of these days?” Joey almost jumped when Lance finished the sentence, and turned around to see his blond friend leaning casually against the doorframe of his bedroom.

After leaving JC to his thoughts, Joey had done a little of everything. A little exercise, light reading, rehearsed the songs by himself, and even a couple of the steps that were still stumping him. Finally, he had gone to his room and started practicing what he could say to Chris in the off chance they met again.

He was determined not to end up looking like a fish out of water again.

But his attempts in front of the mirror were not working, and Lance appearing out of nowhere was not a lot of help.

“Where were you?” he asked, knowing fully well that Lance now had enough material to mock him until the end of the world.

“Out,” Lance smiled. “How’s practice going?”

“As if you hadn’t heard me. I don’t know what I’m going to tell him next time I see him.”

Lance seemed to consider this, moving his head from side to side, before laughing.

“Well, maybe, if you want some advice, you could try something like ‘Hi, I’m Joey, thank you for having us over tonight’.’”

After that, Lance turned around to leave. Joey, surprised, took a moment before following, reviewing the words Lance had said.

“Wait! Lance! What?” He yelled as he met with Lance, Justin and JC on the hall.

“I was at Chris’s house,” Lance explaining, and Joey couldn’t stop himself from interrupting.

“How do you know where he lives?”

“Yeah!” Justin added. “He’s _my_ friend, and _I_ don’t know where he lives! How did... _Why_ did you went to see him?”

JC kept silent, but he was frowning.

“I wanted to apologize for the incident last night,” Lance said to Justin, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. “And you were right, he’s a cool guy. The short story is that we’re all invited to dinner this Wednesday at his house as soon as we finish rehearsal.”


	9. First Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The group is finally together for the first time. Daniel reappears and Howie makes a second call.

Joey checked himself again on the mirror, still having second and third thoughts about his outfit.

He had decided to wear jeans, his favorite pair, but he hadn’t progressed very far after that decision. He had thought about the gray knitted vest that some fans insisted looked good on him, but he wasn’t sure that going out sleeveless to a dinner that included at least one teenager would be a good first impression.

A first impression was too important, and he had already wasted two chances to talk to Chris.

He wasn’t going to waste the third, even if it was in front of two clueless band mates and a third who was probably laughing his ass off at Joey’s crush.

The only reasons he didn’t change his clothes was he was afraid that Lance would know and mock him endlessly, and he didn’t want to show up looking too informal.

He finally decided on a black, tight t-shirt and a leather jacket, but was starting to feel that maybe he didn’t look casual enough for a regular dinner.

He was checking his hair for the seventh time while wondering why he never managed to get it to look exactly the same way as his hairdresser did when JC stopped at his door.

“Ok. Confess.” JC had a puzzled look in his face. “Does his sisters have a nice rack?”

“What? No!” Joey laughed. “Well, I don’t know... Why do you ask?”

“Well, you’re doing _that_ thing.” JC shrugged, and waved in Joey’s direction.

“What thing?”

“The thing. You know.” JC pointed to himself, dressed in baggy pants and a grey shirt, and then to Joey. “I took the first thing in my closet, I bet Lance and Justin did the same thing, but you? You look as if you’re looking to get laid.”

Joey looked back at the mirror, and his doubts doubled. He looked good, at least according to JC, but what if he looked _too_ good? He didn’t want to send the right message to the wrong sibling.

“I just want to make a good first impression,” Joey laughed, hoping that it wouldn’t sound fake. “After all, we’re meeting *N Sync’s spiritual dad, aren’t we?”

JC frowned and shook his head.

“He has nothing to do with *N Sync. He’s just Justin’s friend,” he said shaking his head. “And Lance’s friend, but that’s all, Joey. You really don’t need to dress up, unless his sisters really are knockouts and you’re not telling me.”

* * *

Chris looked at the food on the kitchen and ran mental inventory for the seventh time..

After a lot of debate with the girls on Tuesday, they had settled for hamburgers, mostly because it was fairly easy to make enough for nine people without having to spend all day on the kitchen. He had enough soda in the refrigerator to hydrate his whole classroom, so he figured the guys wouldn’t be thirsty. He had bought enough film to last him a lifetime.

Or seven hours.

Everyone at school teased Chris endlessly about his photography habits, only because he tried to take pictures of every single event on his sisters’ lives. Even the girls joked about it, but they understood that Chris didn’t want them to forget any second of those special moments.

He had practically every one of Taylor’s first steps, Emily’s first day on every grade she had been so far, four school plays, Kate’s prom, graduation, first day at her job, seven first dates with seven different boyfriends, and pictures of her with the five that had made it to the second date without being chased away by the family, Molly’s first day of night school, and every single moment in between.

He already had gone through half a roll taking pictures of Emily cooking that afternoon.

“Is everything ready?” Emily came into the kitchen, and Chris frowned, noticing that she was wearing a different outfit than the one she had worn to school. “You didn’t burn the burgers again, did you? We didn’t forget anything? I bet Kate could take me to the store if we forgot something...”

“Em, relax, everything is fine.” Chris smiled to his younger sister. The truth was that inside, he was as nervous as she was. “Why did you change your clothes?”

“Chris! Lance is coming back! I _had_ to change my clothes! You should too! They’re *N Sync!”

Looking down at his brown sweater and black pants, Chris smiled. He wasn’t going to change his clothes just because it was Justin’s band, but he knew that if he started arguing with his little sister, he was going to be in his underwear trying to decide what to wear when the guys arrived.

“Chris, I brought the extra chairs from the basement, is that ok?” Kate had come home early to help with the preparations, and was in charge of getting the dinning room ready.

“I think we have enough space, Kate. Lance said they weren’t going to bring their security.”

“You sure? Because I think we can fit three more chairs in there...”

“Only if you want to have dinner with the table pressing your stomach. There’s space for nine people, maybe ten, but more than that and we’re having dinner in the living room.”

“No way! Then we would need paper dishes! We’re not giving *N Sync paper dishes!” Emily looked horrified. “That would be... wrong!”

“Emily, I assure you that if Justin eats out of a paper dish, he doesn’t break in hives. I saw him eat at McD’s more than once and he was fine,” Chris joked. “And we’re not using grandma’s dishes for burgers. She would kill me if she found out.”

As he spoke, Chris flipped the ones in the pan, which were getting a little too brown. He had to stop arguing with his younger sister while he cooked.

“Chris! Phone!” Molly came to the kitchen, handing him the cordless and taking his place in front of the stove.

“Got it.” Chris grabbed the phone and walked out to get a little silence. “Chris here.”

“Chris, my man! How’s everything?” Dave’s voice sounded loud and clear, despite the fact that it was long distance from Orlando.

“Dave! It’s great to hear you! What’s up?”

“Same old, same old,” Dave joked. “Sun and clear skies as always. But I didn’t call to just chat, man. Gotta warn you.”

“What happened?”

“Howard called me.” Chris bit his lip. He was afraid of that, but he never thought that Howard would involve their friends in it. “He finally asked about you.”

“Doesn’t surprise me,” Chris sighed. “We had an... incident on Sunday night. He came to the Cauldron, and let’s just say neither of us handled it maturely.”

“Wait... You mean he _talked_ to you? Actually, face to face? Shit..... shit, shit, shit!”

“Dave? What’s wrong?”

“He told me he _thought_ he saw you on the street. Never mentioned that you had talked. Shit man, if I had known, I wouldn’t... Fuck, I’m sorry, Chris, really, really sorry.”

“Dave?”

“I told him about your mom, man. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have. And then he asked me your phone and he sounded so fucking sincere... I’m sorry, Chris.”

Chris closed his eyes, and rested his head against the wall.

“Don’t worry, Dave. It’s ok. You didn’t know and it doesn’t matter anyway. I doubt he’ll call. I’m sure he won’t call.”

“God, sorry man. Really...”

“It’s ok, Dave. I mean it,” Chris laughed a little. He knew Dave was still convinced that Howard had fled because he hadn’t been able to deal with the fact that Chris was gay and Dave had always been a little overprotective of all his friends. “It’s good to hear you, anyway.”

“We’re still on for summer?”

“Yeah. If Emily’s grades are good enough, you and Ivonne will have the Kirkpatrick clan down there for a week.”

“We’ll see you then, ‘cos that little girl is as smart as her brother.”

“See you. Give my love to Ivonne.”

* * *

Molly smiled as she saw her older brother work in the kitchen at the same time he still managed to pay attention to Emily.

For the last six years, Chris had been almost a father to all of them, and Molly more often than not felt guilty about that. She had been just eighteen years old when their mother died, but she had to recognize she hadn’t done that much to help. Kate had been sixteen, Emily barely ten and Taylor had just been born. None of them had really understood what was going on, and Chris had been their rock.

Molly had never seen her brother cry back then. He had been always smiling, trying to keep their spirits up.

Now, things were a little different. Molly had seen her brother at his best and at his worst, and she was now starting to help around the house. Chris hadn’t liked when she dropped college to get a job, and had insisted that she had to keep up her education. They had had a big fight about that, which ended with Molly yelling at Chris that he wasn’t her father. She had apologized immediately, but she would never forget the hurt she had placed in her brother’s eyes that night. Molly was still trying to make it up for that, even when Chris had told her it didn’t matter.

 

In all those years, she had only seen him as nervous as today once. It had been the first time he had brought Daniel to have dinner with them.

Even that didn’t quite match with her brother’s attitude towards old friends. Sure, Molly knew about Justin, and about the plans Chris had made with him before their mother got sick. She knew about Chris’s dream, but for a long time she had been content to believe that he was fulfilling it every weekend at the Cauldron. Seeing him so nervous, so anxious to get everything perfect for a kid he hadn’t seen in five years, simply didn’t pan out. Especially since she knew he had no idea that Justin had always said in public that *N Sync was waiting for Chris. That was a bit of information that Molly had kept from her brother, although she never quite explored her reasons to do so until she had talked to Lance. She hadn’t told Chris about Justin mentioning him; not because she was afraid that Chris would go away, leaving her in charge of the house, but because she knew that Chris wouldn’t go after his dream. He would always stay with them.

She had to admit that she was anxious to see Lance again. Her brief talk with him had made her see a lot of things about her brother she had tried to deny in her mind. Lance had asked about their life, about Chris’s jobs and what he did on weekends, and as the green-eyed singer listened, she had realized that her brother rarely, if ever, talked about any hardships in his life.

Sure, Emily brought home the news about Chris’s latest head butt with Mr. Murgia, or with Mr. Putz, Emmerson’s headmaster, but Chris never complained about them. He always dismissed those occasions with a wave of his hand and a smile. Even making him talk about his problems with Daniel was like trying to pull a tooth without instruments. Only lately he had begun to open up to her about that, and she was grateful.

At the same time she wondered how much the reappearance of Justin had to do with her brother’s change. He had yelled at Daniel, and apprently told Howard to go fly a kite something Molly had thought Chris wouldn’t do in a hundred years, especially if Mr. Backstreet reappeared in her brother’s life. That was weird, but a welcome change.

“Molly, can you get the door?” Chris asked her just as the bell door rang.

“I’m on it!” Molly smiled. Earlier they had decided that Emily wouldn’t be opening the door for anyone that day, and surprisingly Emily had agreed saying that she didn’t really want to make a fool of herself five seconds after meeting *N Sync.

Molly was chosen as the official door opener because she already had met Lance and wasn’t as big of a fan as Emily and Kate.

Although she had to admit, as she opened the door, that she could very easily become a fan if they were as nice as Lance.

“Hi,” she greeted, as she opened the door to the four men. She couldn’t see any other cars on the street so she guessed her brother had been right and they hadn’t brought their security. “I’m Molly Kirkpatrick, please, come on in. My brother will be here in a minute.”

“Hi, Molly.” Lance leaned down and kissed her cheek, to the surprised looks of the others. She guessed that maybe he hadn’t told them that he knew her. “Let me introduce you. This is Justin, JC and Joey.”

* * *

Even when JC would never admit it, he had gone to the Kirkpatrick’s house ready to dislike Justin’s friend.

Not exactly. He had been ready to hate him.

But from the moment Chris came out to the living room apologizing because the burgers were going to be a little late, he found that it was really hard to hate the guy.

Because, damn him, Chris was likeable.

Even when his sister Emily kept looking at Lance with a look of pure adoration, Chris didn’t seem impressed at all with the fact that the four of them were pop stars. He was talking to Justin as the friend he was, expanding the conversation to include the other three.

It was hard to hate the guy.

“And that’s when Justin swore off any breakfast food that wasn’t cereal.” Chris finished his story, and Joey laughed. Chris had enough funny stories about Justin at fourteen to fill a book, and JC had to admit that since that book didn’t exist, maybe Chris didn’t want to mooch off Justin’s fame.

“We had wondered about _that_,” Joey said, smiling his bright photoshoot smile. “I can tell you it gets ugly in the compound whenever someone forgets to buy it for him.”

“If you had seen Chris incinerate that omelet, you would do the same,” Justin hit Joey on the arm before turning to Chris. “This is not fair, I don’t have any embarrassing stories about you!”

“But we have tons of them!” Chris’s second older sister came in with more soda. Apparently whatever mess was going on in the kitchen was a little bit harder to solve than what Chris had predicted. “And we’re willing to share.”

“You can, as long as you remember I have a good memory about your embarrassing moments, Kate,” Chris smiled at them.

JC was about to open his mouth when a small voice came from upstairs.

“Daddy? I can’t find my pretty bow...” Standing on the top of the stairs was a pretty little girl, who couldn’t be older than six. Upon seeing her, Chris’s face lit up in a smile as he got up from the couch.

“Daddy?” Joey suddenly paled. “Justin didn’t mention that you had a kid.”

Behind Joey, Lance and Molly shared a strange look, which was puzzling. JC didn’t know exactly when Lance had meet Chris’s sister, but it was obvious that they knew something JC didn’t.

“Taylor’s not my daughter,” Chris was picking the girl up, carrying her downstairs. “She’s my youngest sister. I’ve been trying to get her to call me Chris but... so far, the best we’ve got is that sometimes she calls me Daddy Chris.”

“It’s ‘cos you’re my daddy!” Taylor giggled in her brother’s arms.

“Tay…” Chris sighed, then turned to see the others. “Taylor, say hi to Justin, Joey, Lance and JC. Then, we’ll find that ribbon for your hair.”

“Okay,” Taylor smiled in her brother’s arms, waving to the band. “HI!”

“Taylor was too young when mom died,” Kate explained while Chris went to the kitchen, shaking his head. “She doesn’t really remember her. We don’t really know where she picked up that Chris was her daddy, but nothing makes her change her mind.”

“Chris is an excellent big brother,” Emily, who had been silent most of the time content with the fact that she was sitting between Lance and Justin, added. “And Tay doesn’t really know the difference between brother and dad. She just saw her friends at school with her parents and started calling Chris dad. She also called Molly ‘mom’ for a while, but that was short lived.”

“Your brother is really special,” JC said, after a moment of silence. “You all love him very much.”

“That we do,” Kate agreed, sitting in the space her brother had vacated. “And he loves us, so it evens out.”

There was another awkward silence, and JC realized that without Chris there, the girls didn’t know how to talk to them. Chris didn’t pay any attention to the fact that he and the others were stars, but the girls seemed quite aware of the fact. It made JC feel a little guilty to think that because none of the girls had tried to make them feel uncomfortable.

“You’re staying long in Albany?” Kate finally asked, breaking the moment.

“Just for a month,” Justin told her. “Then we start the tour and it’s six months of nonstop traveling.”

“A month?” Emily’s eyes couldn’t get bigger. “You guys get your shows ready in a _month_? How do you do that?”

“Usually, we stop sleeping around week two,” Lance joked. “This is our ‘easy’ week, because we barely started.”

The door bell rang, and before Kate could answer, Taylor was already running towards it, followed by a laughing Chris.

“I’ll get it!” Both were saying, as Chris mock-raced the little girl. Taylor won, but it was Chris the one who opened the door, and he stopped laughing immediately.

“What are you doing here?” Chris asked to the visitor.

“I came to visit, my elf,” the visitor answered. Whoever it was, JC noted, he wasn’t welcome at the Kirkpatrick’s. The girls had all tensed, and Molly came out of the kitchen to fetch Taylor, staying near to observe what was going on. “And to talk.”

“Do you have an ear problem? We have nothing to talk about Daniel.” For the first time since the group had arrived, Chris sounded serious. JC frowned, he wanted to see who it was at the door, but at the same time, he didn’t want to intrude in what was obviously Chris’s business. They had already done that before, thanks to Howie.

“Chris…”

“No, Daniel. I mean it. I have visitors and I…”

“Oh, do you?” JC barely had time to register how a big, blond man pushed Chris away from the door and entered the room. “This I have to see, elf.”

“Daniel!” Chris reacted quickly, but Daniel was already at the living room, watching the group with a sneer JC was used to see in their critics. “Get out of here _now_!”

“Oh, please,” the man snorted. From his seat, JC guessed that the guy had to be at least two heads taller than Chris. “Like I’m going to leave without checking the competition.”

The man studied each member of the group in order, before finally settling on JC.

“So it’s him, right? Brunette, thin, just like you said,” Daniel said to Chris, before turning to JC again. “Nice to meet you, Howard. You’re back to fill the position of boy toy?”

“He’s not Howard, Daniel,” Chris walked towards them, stalling JC’s answer. “I told you, I haven’t seen Howard in years. And now, please, _leave_ before I have to call the cops.”

“Not Howard, huh?” Daniel laughed mirthlessly and JC found himself hating the guy. “Then you have my condolences, man. You can promise my little elf all what you want, but he’ll never love you anyway.”

* * *

Joey had been enjoying himself until the doorbell rang.

He was getting great blackmail material on Justin, and he was getting to know Chris.

Chris, who was funny, nice and quirky in ways that made Joey stop breathing when he caught Chris’s eyes sparkling with amusement just as he finished telling a joke.

Joey knew he was in trouble because now he was missing chunks of the conversation, lost in a study of Chris’s smiles.

He had been that lost when the little girl called Chris ‘dad’, and he hadn’t been able to hide his surprise and blurted out the first thing that came to his mind before he remembered that Justin had told them that Chris had four sisters.

As he was trying to think of something to say to fix his blunder, the door bell rang and everything was shoot to hell.

Joey had always prided himself on not letting the first impression ruin his attitude towards people. He never made hasty judgments, and tried hard to be friendly. But when the tall blond forced himself into Chris’s house and personal space, Joey hated him instantly. Daniel had to be the person Chris had been waiting for that night at the Little Cabaret, the person that had made Chris look so miserable and lonely.

And if that hadn’t been reason enough to hate him; Daniel brushed them off with just a sneering glance before somehow deciding that JC was Chris’s boyfriend.

“Then you have my condolences, man. You can promise my little elf all what you want, but he’ll never love you anyway.”

“I’m not…” JC started to correct the guy, only to be interrupted again by Chris.

“Daniel!” Chris was mad now, and grabbed Daniel’s arm to force him to look at him. “What do you want?”

It was a tense situation, Joey figured. Just like Chris’s discussion with Howie, he didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t just butt in, no matter how much he wanted to make Daniel go away. The discussion was a lover’s quarrel, and Joey had no right to interfere.

Little Taylor seemed to be getting nervous, though, and Joey hated that. He hated to see how the girl was looking between her older sister and her brother, on the verge of tears.

“I just came to see you, elf.” Daniel’s smile was predatory and dangerous “The fact that now I can tell my competition that they have no chance with you as long as I’m around is just a prize. Because I wasn’t clear enough on the phone, it seems. You are mine.”

And who did Daniel think he was, talking about Chris as if Chris was a possession? Joey clenched his fists, trying to rein his temper in. Things looked bad enough without him punching Daniel.

“We broke up. _You_ broke up with me.” Chris stepped back, but Daniel grabbed him, holding him in an awkward embrace. “Damnit, Daniel! Let me go!”

In the very instant Chris raised his voice, Taylor started crying, yelling at the top of her lungs. Chris sent a desperate look to Molly, who tightened her own hold on their little sister and ran towards the kitchen. Joey barely registered that Lance had followed her, because Kate was getting up and walking towards the two other men.

“Let my brother alone!” she yelled.

“This has nothing to do with you, Kate-bear,” Daniel turned to see her, without releasing Chris. “And if you interrupt me again, you’re going to end up hurt.”

“If you touch my sister…” Chris began saying, wriggling in Daniel’s grasp. Daniel, in turn, grabbed him by the wrists, holding him still.

Joey couldn’t take more of this and got to his feet, at the same time as Justin did.

“Don’t talk to Chris’s sisters like that, or I’ll kick your ass!” Justin was the first one to threaten Daniel, and Joey was right behind him, not really trusting his voice.

“You and who else?” Daniel growled at Justin, and Chris took the opportunity to punch him on the stomach with his elbow. Angered, Daniel raised his fist towards Chris, and that was what pushed Joey into action.

He practically shoved Justin to the side just in time to grab Daniel’s wrist in mid air before he punched Chris’s face.

“I believe Chris told you to get out.” Joey said, clenching his teeth and making his voice a whisper. Taylor was still crying for her ‘daddy’ in the kitchen, and he knew that if he yelled, the poor girl would be even more scared.

“Who the fuck are you?” Daniel was obviously not happy at the interruption, but he did let Chris go. “The boy toy’s bodyguard?”

“It’s not your business,” Joey answered, refusing to back down. In the distance, he could hear sirens. Apparently someone _had_ called the cops. “Now, you can leave on your own, or we can wait for the cops and they will make you leave. Your choice.”

Daniel held Joey’s stare for a long time, before looking back at Chris.

“I’ll come back when it’s less crowded, elf,” he said, before turning to look at Joey, even when his gaze didn’t seem focused on him, but on JC, who was still sitting on the coach behind them. “Just remember I don’t take competition lightly.”

And he was gone, taking with him all the easy going atmosphere of the living room.

“I called 911,” Lance said, coming out of the kitchen with Molly and a frantic Taylor. Chris hurried towards them and hugged his sister, who calmed a little in his arms. “I hope I wasn’t intruding.”

“Thanks, Lance,” Chris smiled, sadly. “I’m sorry guys. I never thought the idiot would come here like that again.”

“Again?” Joey blurted, not caring for the startled looks everyone in the room was sending him. “Look, I know it’s not my business but that guy’s an ass! Why you keep opening the door for him?”

“That’s a question we’ve asking for three years.” Emily said, glaring at her brother. “Your boyfriends suck, Chris.”

“Ex-boyfriends,” Chris shook his head, walking towards the dinning room, followed by the others. Joey waited a few seconds more, wondering what else could go wrong with the day.

* * *

They were getting ready to leave Buffalo, and Howie still had not packed.

Things had gotten more or less back to normal for the Backstreet Boys. Howie thought that maybe Brian and Kevin were keeping a closer eye on Nick, as if Nick was going to disappear again at any moment. AJ was keeping to himself, as if he didn’t want to be around any of them.

Howie felt a little guilt for that. No matter what AJ had told him, Howie was convinced his friend hadn’t taken his revelation kindly.

So there he was, sitting in the bed where he had barely slept, staring at the phone that seemed to mock him.

In a couple of hours, they would be leaving. He wouldn’t be able to get any more privacy until they reached their next stop. Then they would have to get everything ready for the show and that meant that he wouldn’t get the chance to call Chris until… what? The next day? Two days later?

Surely by then Chris would think Howie was a coward.

Howie wasn’t going to wait that long.

* * *

Once the group moved into the dining room, the mood improved greatly. Even though Chris still seemed jumpy, Justin thought everyone was having fun.

Molly, Kate, and Emily were as great as Chris had described them, even if they were a bit older now than in Chris’s stories, and Chris’s magic seemed to be working in everyone in the group except maybe JC.

JC looked tense, as if he was waiting for some terrible catastrophe to happen. But JC was always waiting for that, ever since Lance had collapsed, so Justin found it easy to dismiss. He was sure JC would come around.

Lance seemed fascinated with Chris’s family and history. The cops he had called arrived little after Daniel had left, and everyone watched how Chris greeted them by their first names and with the same familiarity he used with Justin and apparently, everyone else. Once Officer Webster, whose niece was Chris’s student, and his partner left, extracting a promise from Chris that he would file a report against Daniel first thing in the morning, the conversation turned from Justin and his most embarrassing moments back in Orlando to Chris and his life in Albany, before dinner was ready.

If Justin wasn’t mistaken, Lance was researching. Maybe his plan was working and it would be Lance who would invite Chris into the group as soon as dinner was over.

That suited Justin perfectly because with Lance’s support, he could convince Johnny that it was a good idea to have five *N Sync members. Lance could convince anyone of anything, Justin was sure.

Joey was also in Chris’s pocket, although Justin suspected it had more to do with Kate and Molly than with Chris himself. Sure, he was paying attention to the girls’ stories about Chris and how it seemed that most everyone loved him at school, but Justin knew Joey’s reputation was not just a media fabrication. Joey knew how to make girls swoon at his feet with just a wink and a smile.

Not that Justin couldn’t do the same, of course. But he had Britney. He didn’t need anyone else.

Still, Justin had to admit that Joey had his technique polished into an art. He always did the same thing when he was interested in a girl, really interested and not just looking for a one night stand. He paid attention to them –and, in the rare times when she wasn’t alone, to her friends- and her stories. Five minutes, tops, and Joey had their phone numbers, email addresses and screen names.

Justin figured he was really interested in Molly since he was not only listening, but also asking questions.

“So no one complained about Chris’s braids?” he was asking at the moment, looking at a picture Kate had brought from her room. It showcased Chris, holding a three year old Taylor. Taylor looked amazingly happy, playing with Chris’s hair, fashioned in tiny braids. They were standing in front of the building that Emily had said was her High School. “I find that hard to believe.”

“By then they had already complained about almost everything else, so they figured they would let that one pass,” Chris looked a bit embarrassed as he explained himself. “Also, it was a short phase…”

“A short phase that lasted two years,” Molly laughed as she passed JC the potato salad. “Taylor cried when he finally cut the braids a couple of months ago.”

“I couldn’t deprive Mr. Murgia of his greatest pleasure in life,” Chris said, with a wink. “He enjoyed complaining about my ‘disruptive’ hair every faculty meeting, Who was I to make his life miserable?”

“Who’s Mr. Murgia?” Joey turned to see Chris, and Justin held his breath. Joey hadn’t made any more comments about Chris’s seemingly bad taste in men, but if there could be a problem with the current members of *N Sync and Chris, it would be Chris’s sexuality. Justin didn’t want to find out that Joey was secretly homophobic or something like that.

“He’s the history teacher at school,” Emily snorted. “He’s totally strict.”

“He’s like the anti-Chris,” Kate joked. “Everything our brother does? He does the complete opposite.”

“Not exactly,” Chris corrected them. “He’s a good teacher too. Just a little too uptight. He claimed my antics were ‘encouraging students to misbehave’, and it was pretty much his favored subjects for a while.”

“Which was pure BS,” Emily rolled her eyes. “Cuz Chris’s class? It’s the best. We’re the best behaved group around him.”

“Only when you compare the group with the teacher,” Molly poured some more soda on Lance’s glass. “There’s a reason why Mr. Putz confused Chris with a student on his first day.”

“There’s something I don’t understand,” JC opened his mouth for the first time since they sat to eat. “You and Howie D. dated, right? How didn’t you know he was in the Backstreet Boys? How come you didn’t recognize them? I mean… you teach high school English. To girls.”

There was a short silence before Molly, Kate and Emily started laughing, trying to hide their faces with their hands.

“What’s so funny?” Joey asked, puzzled.

“My sisters have this… system against my boyfriends, both current and former,” Chris shook his head. “In Howard’s case? They decided he wasn’t good enough for me, and simply stopped mentioning him. And since Em here is the president of *N Sync’s fan club at the school… they kept me shielded from the Backstreet Boys at school. I don’t pay that much attention to pop music anyway, so I really never heard them on the radio.”

“So you haven’t heard us either,” Lance’s voice was still calm and analytic. So much, that it was getting Justin nervous.

“I…” Chris smiled, chuckling. “I hadn’t, no. But after seeing Justin again, and then meeting you all… I commandeered Em’s collection.”

“I could have made a tape for you,” Emily said with a sigh. “You didn’t have to take my copies!”

“And?” Justin asked, curious. He wanted to know Chris’s opinion on their music. “What do you think?”

Chris sighed, looking at his plate, as if he didn’t want to meet their eyes and Justin felt a chill in his back. If Chris didn’t like their music, it would be harder to convince him to join.

“Actually, I just have a question.”

“Oh, no. Chris, please no!” Emily pleaded, horrified. “You’re not going to…”

“What?” Joey invited, still keeping that killer seductive smile. Justin decided that yes, Joey wanted Molly. That could be a good thing, because then Chris would see that their family was also part of the package.

“’It ain’t no lie’?” Chris laughed. “You guys realize you were saying it is a lie, right? Double negative and all…”

Justin looked at the guys, the guys looked at him. At the nervous faces of the girls… and he couldn’t hold it. He started laughing, so hard that he almost cried.

“You’re not the first one to point out that the worst evil of our music is the corrupt grammar,” Lance said, as Justin tried to get some air. “In our defense, we didn’t write Bye Bye Bye.”

“Seriously, I enjoyed the songs. Catchy, and you guys have great voices,” Chris elaborated, and Justin, who had finally managed to get his breath back, felt a huge weight off his shoulders. Chris liked their music. Everything was going to work out fine. “Your version of ‘I Thought She Knew’ is amazing.”

They kept talking about music, and not surprisingly, that made JC warm up a little towards Chris. There was a bit of a tight spot when they got to the subject of explicit lyrics and Chris, half-joking, half-serious had asked why there wasn’t an explicit lyrics sticker on No Strings Attached, given the nature of Digital Get Down, but they managed to get past that with barely any intervention of the others.

By then Lance had moved into a semi-private conversation with Molly, and Joey was arguing something about theater with Kate. Everything was perfect.

As Chris got up to bring more soda, the phone rang.

“I’ll get it. Excuse me.”

Chris walked towards the living room, but since it was a small house, everyone at the table heard his greeting.

And even if they had tried, no one could ignore how Chris’s voice hardened when the caller identified himself.

“Howard. Dave told me that you might call. I never thought it would be today.”

Later, Justin would excuse himself saying that he really hadn’t tried to hear Chris’s private conversation. That it had been *Emily* the one who got up, and, since everyone else was paying attention to the living room, he had followed her upstairs without any one noticing.

It had been *Emily* who unhooked the second phone carefully, even when he was the one who held it so both of them could hear the conversation.

It was intruding, he knew. He really shouldn’t be hearing Chris’s private conversations, even if his sister did. But after what had happened on Sunday, and the way he had seen that Daniel treated Chris, Justin was worried.

He figured that he could justify listening, as long as Emily was listening too. She was letting him do it anyway.

“…to talk.” Howie was saying.

“I appreciate the gesture, Howard. But I can’t right now.”

“Chris, come on! You can make a little time for me, can’t you?”

“Right now? No, I can’t. I have visitors, and I really…”

“It’s _him_, isn’t it? The other guy?”

“What? No! What’s with the obsession with my love life? Can’t I have someone visit me without everyone assuming it’s a boyfriend?”

“Calm down, Chris! I didn’t mean…”

“Yes, you did. You never said anything you didn’t mean, Howard,” Chris lowered his voice, and Justin leaned closer to the earpiece. He guessed his friend had moved away from the dining room to avoid being heard.

Next to him, Emily was frowning.

“Chris, let’s not fight. I called just to, well… you know. Things got out of hand on Sunday and maybe we just needed to calm down.”

Justin looked at Emily, surprised. Why Howie wasn’t just saying he was sorry? If he just would apologize, Chris would hang up.

“I mean it, Howard. This is not the time to go into this. If you call me later…”

“Chris, I really don’t know what you do for a living, but I am a busy man. I can’t just call you whenever and if we’re going to talk; I think this is the best moment to do it.”

“You…? Howard, I am not kidding. My sisters and I have friends over and…”

“That’s why you keep saying my name? Hoping that they will put two and two together?” Howie now sounded angry, and Justin couldn’t really figure out why. “Emily is what now? Fourteen?”

“Sixteen. And what does that has to do with anything?”

“Well, she and her friends must have heard of my group. I bet you have, no matter how clueless you acted on Sunday.”

Now Howie was being downright mean, and Justin sent an alarmed look to Emily. She hadn’t been at the Cauldron, but he had recognized the tone. Howie sounded exactly the same right before accusing Chris of being unfaithful.

“The world doesn’t revolve around you. I didn’t know what you did with your life the last five years, because frankly, I didn’t care. Besides, I don’t know if you have realized, but most people with taste hate your kind of music.”

“Really? It seemed to me that you cared a lot in the Cauldron. You paraded yourself and our past in front of my band mates.”

“I _really_ don’t have time for this. I told you I didn’t want to see you again, and I meant it. So go back to the mental challenge of learning to sing and dance at the same time, and let me the fuck alone.”

“Don’t you dare to leave me hanging! I’ve had enough of you playing the victim every time we fight! And don’t make me laugh, I know that you wish you were living _my_ life. Wasn’t this your big ‘plan’? Make a band and become famous? Newsflash, Chris. The only way you will get close to this is if you go public with the fact that you dated a Backstreet Boy.”

Why Chris didn’t hang up, was something Justin couldn’t understand. But at the same time, he remembered how Chris always let people keep talking, until they had said everything they had to say, no matter how unpleasant was to him.

He had to fight down the impulse of unplugging the phone line.

“Howard, I really…”

“No, no, I get it. Back then when I was just a nobody like you, you were quick to ask for forgiveness. Now that you know I have money, I have to _work_ for your time. I see, you want to feel like if we were in the same level.”

* * *

It was around nine when Nick’s cell phone rang.

He was lounging in his bunk bed, trying to read a little before trying to sleep when the tone he had assigned to Justin’s number began and he grabbed it without moving.

He hadn’t talked to Justin since his friend had informed him that they were having dinner with Chris that day. Nick guessed that probably things had gone perfectly and Justin was calling to celebrate.

“Hey, what’s…?”

“What the fuck was Howie thinking?!” Justin didn’t even greet him, and sounded incredibly tense. Nick sat immediately, fearing the worst.

“Calm down, Justin, what’s wrong?”

“Chris hates us. He hates us all, and it’s Howie’s fault,” Justin sounded on the verge of tears, something that hadn’t happened since the first time that he thought he and Britney were going to break up, and it worried Nick.

“What happened?”

“Everything was going perfect, Nick. Chris, he and the guys, they just clicked. And even when we had a problem with Chris’s ex, dinner was amazing. I was so sure that we could invite Chris into the group. And then Howie called.”

“Did he apologize?”

“No! He kept blaming Chris for everything. Just like on the Cauldron. And then it got worse.”

“What do you mean, worse?” Nick frowned. AJ had said he had talked to Howie. Howie surely must have understood that he needed to apologize for what he did, and he had looked sort of miserable afterwards. How had he managed to make it worse?

“He called Chris a ‘starfucker’,” Justin’s voice was trembling with rage. “I was listening to the conversation on the other phone, and when Howie heard that Chris had visitors, he just went on and on about how Chris was trying to milk Howie out because he was interested in Howie’s fame.”

“Fuck.”

“Chris finally hung up then. And… he just asked us to leave. He was really mad, Nick.” Justin paused, and Nick could almost see him, trying not to cry. “I stole his dream, you know? When I went ahead and formed *N Sync, I stole it from him. I’m living the life _he_ should be living and now I can’t give it to him back and… and he hates me.”

Nick heard Justin break down and start sobbing, letting him get his feelings out before trying to speak. When he did, it wasn’t really anything important, just empty phrases to try and calm his best friend.

Even when he was sure that Chris didn’t hate Justin, telling that to Justin right at the moment wouldn’t help.

He was going to kill Howie, though. As soon as he hung up, Howie D. was a dead man.


	10. This is the last time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The consequences of Howie’s call.

Thursday’s rehearsal started worse than Monday’s.

Justin was still high-strung after Chris had politely asked them to leave and Joey didn’t really blame the guy. Chris had been nice, and had made it perfectly clear that it wasn’t *N Sync’s fault, and dinner had gone on for about an hour after Howie’s call, but even so, Justin blamed himself.

Joey knew he was in trouble. So far he had managed to convince himself that his attraction to Chris was purely physical, fueled by his obsession in trying to figure out just how he knew him. Or so he had thought, until he had actually spent time with Chris and his family. He was falling, hard, and that simply shouldn’t be.

Lance had told him that Chris didn’t need yet another boyfriend who would hide himself. Not after what Howie had done. They didn’t know what Howie had said to Chris, but listening to Chris’s half was enough to make Joey understand that he had to keep his crush under control.

He kept thinking about hiding his infatuation with Chris, instead of his work. Combined with Justin’s distraction, the two of them managed to throw JC’s concentration completely off.

Just as Wade was about to explode, Johnny came into the rehearsal room.

Remembering Johnny’s angry words, Joey winced. When Johnny had left after making it very clear that it wasn’t only their money and their time that they were wasting, but the money and time of everyone in the crew, who actually depended on the job to put food on their tables, they had talked among themselves. It was true, they were letting everything distract them from rehearsals, and as professionals, they knew better. So they had called Andrew, their stage manager, handed him their cell phones and asked him not to give them back to them until Sunday. They were going to effectively shut themselves in until they had managed to get themselves back on track.

Sighing, Joey got in position again. He wanted to nail the choreography as soon as possible. Maybe he had no chance with Chris, but he still wanted to go and see the guy.

Chris was nice and quirky and from what he had seen last night, before the evening had been completely ruined, Chris was also a man who would stop at nothing to see his loved ones happy. He was also hot as hell. Joey knew all that and thinking about it didn’t help lessen his crush any, but it did was help him decide to try and be happy just with Chris’ friendship if he couldn’t hope for anything more.

* * *

It began so small, that at first Kevin didn’t notice what was going on.

They were having breakfast in Lancaster, and Brian asked if anyone could bring him their schedule from the bus. Nick had stood up immediately, offering to go and fetch it.

“Howie tends to take his time doing things,” he had said, apropos of nothing.

A couple of hours later, AJ had asked if anyone remembered where he had left one of his silver earrings, because he couldn’t find it.

“Whoever has it, we can be sure that it’s not Howie’s fault that it’s missing. Its never Howie’s fault,” Nick had answered.

Kevin hadn’t thought much about it. He didn’t think it was overly strange that Nick was pointedly not talking to Howie, or that he would actually go out of his way to avoid any interaction with Howie at all.

When, before the show, Nick had said out loud that it was for the best if they kept an eye on Howie because “Without supervision, he could just disappear for years and we wouldn’t be able to find him,” Kevin had thought that perhaps it was a joke that was going on too long, but still hadn’t said anything.

After the show however, it was impossible to ignore the fact that Nick went straight for his cell phone, practically punching in the numbers before hanging up without talking.

“Nick? What’s wrong?” Brian asked, before Kevin could do the same.

“Justin is not answering his phone,” Nick glared at Howie as he spoke, before getting up from his chair and leaving the room.

“Did you and Nick fight?” Kevin asked Howie. From the corner of his eye he saw AJ shake his head and leave the room, but he figured Brian could talk to AJ if there was need. Nick’s attitude was a more pressing situation.

“Not that I know of,” Howie shrugged. “Let him be. He’s probably just mad because Justin doesn’t answer and I’m a convenient target.”

So Kevin let the subject drop. He wasn’t going to push the issue unless there seemed to be a real need to.

Besides he was tired. He wanted nothing more than to call Kristen and then sleep for the next several hours.

* * *

“Johnny, can we talk?”

The manager looked up to see Justin standing in his doorway and sighed. He was seriously starting to regret the decision to change their usual rehearsal venue to Albany. It had been only a week and he’d all ready had enough troubles to compete with a month in New Orleans.

“This is not the time to add things to the show, Timberlake,” Johnny went back to the paperwork. The conveyer belts that Joey had suggested for Digital Get Down would cost a fortune and Johnny was starting to fear there would be no feasible way to include them. “And it was your decision to keep your relationship with Britney a secret, so…”

“It’s not that.”

Justin looked serious and Johnny sighed again, putting down the papers. It was not usual that Justin would come to him for something that didn’t include Britney or Nick Carter, at least not without one of the other three.

“You remember about the guy I told you about? The one who gave me the idea to form *N Sync?”

“Sure, you only mention him four or five times a day. You went to have dinner at his house yesterday, didn’t you?” Johnny asked, looking at Justin. He had a feeling he knew where the conversation was going and he had to cut it short before the kid got his hopes up.

“Yeah, that’s Chris.” Justin took a deep breath and Johnny knew exactly what was coming. “You see, he sings and…”

“No,” Johnny didn’t even let him finish. Unlike Lou Pearlman, he had never pretended to be anything more than a business manager, even if he truly was the guys’ friend, and part of that was being short and to the point when this kind of thing popped up. “Forget it, Justin. You’re a quartet. You should have gotten used to that long ago.”

“Please, Johnny… At least hear him sing!” Justin had gone up to Johnny’s desk, pleading with the same look he used to make reporters think he was sweet and innocent. “He’s really good.”

“And you have a demo tape, I assume.” The fact that he was a business manager didn’t mean that Johnny didn’t care for the four guys. Sometimes he felt like the stern uncle of the family, the one who had to say no for their own good. Occasionally, he did cave in.

“Well… no. He doesn’t know I’m talking to you.” That was strange, Johnny thought. In his experience, demo tapes were offered like candy. “But… he does sing at a coffee shop every weekend. We could go and…”

“No.” Johnny should have seen that coming, Justin had been talking a lot about the ‘fifth member’ of *N Sync since the group started. “Justin, I won’t go if you’re planning on telling your friend that I’m going to listen to him. It wouldn’t be fair to give him false hopes.”

Justin looked defeated, and Johnny guessed that would be the end it, but the kid surprised him, pulling out a rumpled flyer from his pocket and shoving it toward him. “Then you can go alone,” Justin said, determined. “Please, Johnny. You’ve got to hear Chris. He’s really good.”

Johnny studied the flyer for a moment before looking at Justin. He couldn’t believe he was even considering it. “This Saturday?” Justin nodded. “And this Chris guy didn’t ask you to get him an audition?” Justin shook his head in a negative. “But you still think I should hear him?”

“Yeah, I do… But please, if you go and you hear him… don’t tell him I told you to go. I don’t want him to get mad at me.”

“Fine, I’ll go,” Johnny caved in. “But I’ll go alone, and if I don’t like what I hear, you will drop the subject forever.”

“I promise, Johnny. And it’s ok. You’ll love Chris, I guarantee it.”

* * *

Brian had always been Nick’s best friend within the group and he was still a little hurt that Nick had never thought to mention that he was also Justin Timberlake’s best friend.

He understood why Nick was Justin’s friend. They were closer in age than he and Nick, so there would be things that maybe Nick thought it would be easier to share with Justin. Also, Brian was about to get married and that had put some distance between them.

Even so, Brian was still Nick’s best friend within the Backstreet Boys and that gave him a bit of insight that Kevin didn’t have. When Nick kept ignoring Howie, or sent tiny veiled sarcasms that hinted at what they had heard in Albany, Brian decided he had to talk to Nick.

No matter how much Kevin thought it wasn’t their business and Howie insisted that he hadn’t had a fight with Nick, when Nick asked Howie to “Pass the salt, but please, don’t take your time. I want it now, not in six years.” it meant that Nick was mad.

It was just after two p.m, and Brian found Nick in his room, playing with his Gameboy. He looked sullen, serious. Just like AJ after he had just broken up with one of his girlfriends. Only Brian knew that Nick didn’t have a girlfriend.

“What did Howie do to you?” he asked, with no preamble. He wasn’t in the mood to be gentle.

“Nothing.” Nick didn’t look at him. “Just ask him and he’ll tell you.”

“Nick…” Brian sat next to him in the small bed. “If I can do anything to help…”

“I’m fine Brian,” Nick looked up and gave a smile. “Really.”

“And you’re ok with Howie?” Brian pressed, grateful for his small success.

“With him in general?” Nick leaned back on his bed. “Yeah, I guess. I just think we’ve cut him a lot of slack, that’s all.”

“Nick…”

“He just needs to get a clue,” Nick sighed. “Because no matter how much we talk to him about it, he just doesn’t get it.”

“Get what?” Brian was now a little lost. The only thing they needed to talk with Howie about had already been discussed, so he couldn’t imagine what Nick was talking about.

“Have you noticed that nothing is ever his fault?” Nick looked at him, seriously. “No matter what he does, no matter what happens… it’s never his fault?”

“Nick, I think you might be exaggerating.”

“Go and ask him, then. Ask him why I’m mad. Or better yet… ask him why he ‘forgot’ to break up with Chris. That’s a good story, trust me.”

“Justin told you Kirkpatrick’s side of the story?” Brian lifted his eyebrow. It wasn’t like Nick to take a complete stranger’s side even if the stranger was his friend’s friend. “You know you can’t make a decision just with one side…”

“Justin told me _Howie’s_ side of the story,” Nick snorted. “I still don’t know Chris, but what I know is more than enough to know that Howie is an idiot.”

* * *

Lance could tell that JC was mad.

By Friday morning, things had calmed enough so that he figured by Sunday they could end the shut in. They were back to their usual professionalism and Wade had downgraded the insults from ‘a bunch of arthritic rhinos’ to just ‘graceless idiots’ so it was definitely an improvement. Privately, he still thought one of these days someone was going to break a leg during one of Wade’s more energetic routines. He just hoped it would be during a rehearsal and not an actual show, but Lance knew to keep his opinions to himself.

Mostly because he knew that if he voiced his concern now, when the inevitable did happen, everyone would add ‘precognition’ to the list of his supposed abilities.

But despite the improvement in rehearsals, Lance could tell that there were troubles coming up ahead.

It had all begun with Howie’s call to Chris, a moment that Lance was not going to be able to easily forget. Even though Lance knew that most of Chris’s angry words were directed towards Howie, they had still been hurtful.

JC had certainly taken them personally and his earlier good mood had disappeared entirely. He had treated the others with a polite, but cold distance, that Lance knew he usually reserved for reporters.

They finished their food and dessert in relative silence and calm. When it came time to go, Justin had begun to invite Chris and the girls to come and visit them at their rehearsal complex, Chris had quickly declined.

“I’m sorry, Justin. But I don’t think it would be a good idea,” Chris had said, and Lance could see the disappointment in Emily’s face. “You probably have a lot of work to do, and I wouldn’t want to intrude.”

Behind Joey, JC had snorted. That was probably the most worrisome signal Lance had seen so far.

“It’ll be fine, Chris,” Justin practically pleaded. Lance knew right then that he had probably heard a lot more of the conversation than they had. “Come on… for old time’s sake?”

“No, Justin,” Chris had shaken his head. “It… it was great to see you again and everything… but… don’t take this the wrong way but right now? I really need some time alone.”

Lance had been observing Chris’s face, so he hadn’t seen Molly’s expression when she had suddenly announced that there were leftovers, and perhaps they would like them and if Lance would be so kind as to come fetch them in the kitchen.

Remembering that moment, Lance smiled. The so-called leftovers had been just a bit of the potato salad, not even enough for a serving. Molly had actually just wanted to give him her cell phone number.

“Look, I know my brother,” she had said, hushed and hurriedly. “And what he thinks is a good idea today, will be the stupidest thing ever thought of in a week, so… You can call me whenever you and the guys want.”

“Here’s my number,” Lance had answered, scribbling both his cell and their Albany house line on a napkin. “In case you want to talk or need anything.”

They hadn’t had time for more conversation, as Chris came into the kitchen right at that moment to tell Lance that the others were waiting for him, but Lance had the feeling that he and Molly were on the same page. Molly wanted her brother happy, and Lance wanted his friends happy, and it seemed that they could accomplish both at the same time. He only hoped Molly had noticed Joey’s interest on her own, because he wouldn’t betray his friend’s secret.

While Joey and Justin managed to bounce back from their depression the day before, JC was still angry.

Every time someone tried to bring up the issue of either the dinner or the Backstreet Boys, JC would leave the room.

Lance frowned, looking at the mirror in front of him. That could make things a lot more difficult.

* * *

There were days in which AJ wanted only to lock himself in his room and forget the outside world existed.

That particular Friday afternoon was one of them.

The week had been bad, beginning with finding out that Howie wasn’t as straight as he had always assumed. Then, after Howie assured him that everything had been taken care of, on Wednesday, Nick had started what seemed to be a no-holds-barred battle against Howie.

The small barbs made AJ wince, because he knew that there was no way that Howie could ignore them. Plus, the comments were escalating so that by Friday morning practically everything Nick said to Howie was dripping with sarcasm. While Howie usually could stand Nick’s teasing far better than anyone else in the group, AJ was sure that Howie was starting to lose his patience with the kid. AJ couldn’t blame him.

Kevin and Brian didn’t mention anything, and AJ didn’t want to mention it either. Even though Howie was his best friend, deep down, he thought Howie deserved it.

However, that afternoon they had an interview with Tiger Beat (Or maybe it was Young Magazine… these days, AJ had trouble remembering which magazine was which) and even though he trusted Nick to be professional during it, he just wasn’t positive.

One wrong word and Howie could explode. AJ thought he was on the verge of a breakdown, and Nick didn’t seem to be willing to pull his punches. The fact apparently he had apparently lost communication with Justin didn’t help to Nick’s mood and AJ once again wondered how they had managed to miss that friendship for so long, if Nick turned downright psychotic when Justin wasn’t a phone call away.

The interview started more or less like every other interview they had done; talk about the group, the future projects, the up-coming album and the expectations everybody had for their record sales.

From there, they had moved on to relationships, and girlfriends, and of course Kevin had mentioned Kristen and Brian his engagement to Leighanne.

“Well, we girls can still hope, right?” the reporter joked. “There are still three of you guys available.”

“Actually, it’s just two of us, if you want to know the truth,” Nick had said and the alarm bells had started going off in AJ’s head. “You see, someone here has a secret.”

“Really?” The woman turned to Nick, interested. “Is there something you want to tell your fans, Nick?”

“Oh, it’s not me,” Nick smiled. “It was such a big secret that even we didn’t know until a few days ago. Howie’s been hiding a sweetheart for five years now.”

They were lucky, AJ decided later, that there was no photographer accompanying the woman because if someone had taken their pictures right then, there would have been no denying the truth behind Nick’s words. Howie had paled so much he looked almost white, while Kevin was struggled to keep his expression neutral. Brian had looked at Nick as if Nick had gone insane and AJ... well, he hadn’t had a mirror on him, but he suspected he had looked plain old shocked. He’d felt as if someone had taken his stomach on a rollercoaster without inviting the rest of his body along for the ride.

“Is that true, Howie?” The reporter started to turn towards Howie, but Nick interrupted whatever Howie was going to answer.

“He’s probably not going to tell you. He respects Chris too much.”

Now AJ thought that every member of the group looked like they were going to have heart attacks right there. He sure felt like having one.

“I mean, we only found out about them by accident. I think Howie was ashamed of us or something, the way he kept postponing our meeting. He even introduced us to Chris as his ‘cousins’. But I’m sure it was just because Howie likes to keep everything secret. Private.”

“Then why are you telling us, Nick?” That was a very good question, AJ thought. Nick was blowing every single one of their unspoken rules for interviews, half of the spoken ones, and seemed completely unrepentant! As soon as the reporter was gone, Kevin was going to kill him, if Howie didn’t do it first.

“Well, I think it’s a bit unfair for all the fans, right? After all, Howie and Chris have been together for six years. And it’s also unfair for them as a couple, you know? If it’s in the open, they don´t have to hide,” and with that Nick turned his sweetest, most innocent smile towards Howie, who, showing that he was very professional, had managed to keep a strained smile on. AJ could see the corners of Howie’s eyes twitching. That was never good.

The reporter, taking the cue, asked Brian about the fans’s reaction to his engagement, and from there, they managed to steer the interview towards friendlier waters. Still, the damage had been done.

The world would know about Chris, unless their spin doctors managed to salvage the situation.

When the interview was over and the guys were alone, the four of them looked at Nick, furious.

Howie did go after Nick, but Kevin stilled him with one hand, drawing deep breaths. It would have been funny, but Kevin didn’t look amused, and AJ didn’t feel like laughing.

“Nick… What were you thinking?” he finally asked, slowly.

AJ realized that Kevin was trying his best not to explode, to keep his anger at bay.

“I was just being honest,” Nick didn’t look repentant or even scared. “Someone had to be.”

“You just outed me!” Howie yelled, but didn’t move towards Nick. “And fuck being honest! I am not Chris’s boyfriend, we broke up six years ago!”

“So now you broke up?” Nick laughed. “Funny, that’s not what you said. I clearly remember that you accused him of being unfaithful to you just this Sunday. Your words were pretty much ‘we never broke up’, Remember?”

“Nick, Howie already apologized for that. I don’t think…” Kevin started again.

“No, he never did! He didn’t apologize at all!” Nick interrupted. “And just for the record, Howard, I didn’t out you. I never said Chris was a man, so if everyone thinks you have a girlfriend, it suits you perfectly, doesn’t it?”

“That’s not the point… I… I didn’t… I am not…” Howie began. “I called him!”

“What do you mean, he didn’t apologize?” Brian frowned, interrupting them “He told us he did, Nick.”

“And since he’s so trustworthy, we believed him, right?” Nick snorted, turning to look at Howie. “Why don’t you tell us what you said to Chris, Howie? Your ‘stellar’ apology?”

“Why do you care, anyway? It’s none of your business, but since you’re so intent on butting into my life, you should know that I apologized, Nick. And since you care so much about my ex, well, you’ll be happy to know that Chris didn’t accept my apology. So if he went crying to Justin, and Justin filled your head with lies, it’s not my problem.”

Nick’s glare turned hateful as he watched Howie, and AJ cringed. He never thought Nick would look at one of them with so much anger, no matter what they did. But he stayed silent, because he didn’t want to call attention to himself.

“You’re so full of shit! I can’t… Look, Chris didn’t say anything to Justin, Howie, he didn’t have to,” Nick practically spat. “Justin heard the whole thing. He heard when you accused Chris of being obtuse and not understanding you, and when you said that he was trying to make you work for him because he was interested in your fame. So yeah, I know that you called Chris. But so what? You didn’t call to say you were sorry, you called because you wanted to make the guy feel like shit!”

* * *

Kevin Richardson had always prided himself on being a patient man. One of the first things he had been taught growing up was that he had to control his temper and he had always done so. He had also been taught not to make hasty judgments, because sometimes, people couldn’t tell you why they were acting like assholes and they just might have a reason. He always tried to hear both sides of every argument.

He had given Howie the benefit of doubt after what he had heard that day at the Cauldron, and Nick a chance to calm down from whatever had him mad in the first place. Now he realized that both things had been a mistake.

Nick’s blunder at the interview could be solved. He was sure they would be hearing a lot about it from Andy, their PR guy, as soon as he entered the room. Andy was probably trying to keep the whole exchange from being published that very moment, and Kevin didn’t envy him the job.

Hearing Nick’s side of the story, though, he realized that there was a more pressing need than just worrying if the fans thought that Howie had a girlfriend or not.

There were very few things that angered Kevin, but knowing that a friend was lying to him was pretty much at the top of the list.

“Nick, what exactly did Justin tell you?” he asked, not letting go of Howie’s shoulder. He knew his friend, and he knew that the moment he let go, Howie would try to run. Kevin wasn’t going to allow that; he was going to get to the bottom of the situation before it could escalate further.

“When Howie called yesterday, phoning instead of going to see Chris in person as he should have if you ask me, Justin and Chris’s sister were listening to the conversation on the other line,” Nick admitted, now more subdued. “They heard how Chris tried to be patient with him, then how Howie insulted him calling him a nobody, then Chris insulted Howie, saying that what we did wasn’t brain surgery, then Howie called Chris a starfucker and Chris hung up. Then thanks to Howie’s brilliant non apology and insults, Chris said to Justin that he didn’t want to know about any boyband members ever again. And maybe I’m just stupid, but that was not how everyone taught me to apologize for something that is your damn fault in the first place.”

There was an uncomfortable silence once Nick finished, as everyone turned to look at Howie.

“Is that true, Howard?” Kevin asked, disappointed. He could see everyone’s surprise at hearing him. It had been a long time since he had used Howie’s full name.

Howie opened his mouth, shocked, apparently thought about whatever he was going to say better, and closed it again. “Well… yes. It’s true.”

Kevin nodded. At least it seemed that Howie was no longer going to try and lie.

He took a deep breath and, not releasing his hold on Howie, started to walk outside.

“Tell management we had something to do,” He instructed Brian, who nodded. “Howard and I will be back tomorrow night.”

“Where are we going?” Howie asked, as he was dragged out of the room.

“To the car,” Kevin answered, not allowing room for any complaints.

“Howie didn’t really do anything to you, right Nick?” Kevin heard Brian ask, just as the door was closing.

“Not to me,” Nick’s answer was barely audible. “But he made Justin cry.”

* * *

Howie sat in the passenger seat, wondering exactly where his life had taken a wrong turn.

He had been practically shoved into the car by Kevin, who was acting really scary. Howie had never been on the wrong end of Kevin’s anger, and it wasn’t a position he was enjoying. Especially because he still didn’t believe that his friends could take Chris’s side.

“Where are we going?” he had asked when Kevin started the car. Although they usually didn’t leave their hotels during promotion, they always had a car or two in their entourage for emergencies. Howie was starting to wish they hadn’t.

“You’ll see.” Kevin didn’t look at him as he answered. They were driving towards the highway. “It’ll be a long ride, so you can sleep if you want.”

Howie didn’t ask if Kevin was going to sleep at all, but if the ride was going to be long, and Kevin was going to be driving all the way… Trying not to think about car accidents and highways, Howie turned his thoughts towards Nick’s words. Now that he had heard his words out loud he had to admit that he had been unfair to Chris. Maybe Chris didn’t really didn’t care about fame and fortune.

That still didn’t give Nick the right to act like Howie had made the worst mistake of his life, or to parade Howie’s life to the press. So he hadn’t been able to apologize to Chris. What was the big deal, anyway? It hadn’t been his fault. Chris had refused to listen to him.

Now he figured Kevin was going to take him to Albany, which was the dumbest idea his band mate had ever had. But Howie knew Kevin, and he knew that arguing the point now, when they were already on the road and Kevin had his hands on the wheel was useless.

However, as soon as the car stopped, he was going to let Kevin know that they had no right at all to interfere with his life.

Thinking about that, he closed his eyes. He wasn’t talking to Kevin until Kevin stopped judging him.

* * *

Kevin waited until he was sure that Howie was asleep and then he brought out his cell phone. With some difficulty, he plugged in the hands-free device, and dialed a number he had never thought he would use again.

When the secretary announced he had reached Wright Entertainment, he politely asked to be patched through to Mr. Johnny Wright. It took a lot of work and southern charm, but he managed to get thorugh to him.

“Kevin, what can I do for you?” Johnny didn’t sound exactly happy to hear from Kevin, but with their past history, Kevin didn’t blame him.

“I need to talk to Lance,” Kevin said immediately, not wanting to waste time.

“I’m sorry, Kevin, but Lance is busy right now. Can I help you instead?”

Kevin sighed, looking at the sleeping Howie, and decided to offer the truth. “I don’t think so, Johnny. We need to find a friend of Lance and Justin’s, and I believe maybe Lance has his address. I think they went to visit him on Wendsday.”

There was a long silence on the other end of the line, and Kevin feared for a second that Johnny was going to hang up.

“Mr. Kirkpatrick, I assume,” Johnny finally said. In the background, Kevin thought he heard a buzzer.

“Yes, Johnny. It’s really important to us.”

“One minute.” Kevin waited patiently on the line, his attention focused on the road. He still had two hours or so to go. Time enough to make a plan if he could get the right address.

“What do you want with Chris, Kevin?” Lance’s voice didn’t sound amused. “Howie caused enough damage last time.”

“I know,” He agreed. “But we want to apologize to him. For what happened on Sunday, and what we believe happened on Wendesday.”

“Give me one good reason why I should give you Chris’s address.”

“Mr. Kirkpatrick deserves real closure with Howie.” Kevin began, hoping that Lance would see that it was true. “And, if needed, the chance to kick his stubborn ass.”

Lance chuckled. “That does sound like a good reason.”

“Will you give me the address, then?”

“Why do you care, Kevin?”

It was an excellent question, and Kevin had to think before answering. “Because I’d like to think that deep down, Howie is a good man. And because if anyone I loved did to me what Howie did to Chris, I would want a heartfelt apology, in person, not over the phone.”

“And if Howie doesn’t want to apologize?”

“I won’t force him,” Kevin admitted. “In fact, I promise you that if Howie doesn’t really mean to apologize, I won’t let him see Chris. What do you think?”

“That sounds fair,” Lance paused for a minute. “I don’t think you can write this down right now, so... How’s your memory?”

Kevin smiled. Maybe his plan would work.

* * *

Howie opened his eyes when the car stopped. It was dark outside, and he could see houses across the street.

“So, road trip over?” He asked.

“Yes. Get out.” Kevin said, looking at the house in front of them.

“I can’t believe you’re doing this! It’s my problem, and I’ll solve it when I can. Besides,” Howie yelled, trying to put his ideas in order. “It’s none of your business.”

“Howie. Stop.” The sharp tone of Kevin’s voice startled Howie. He had never talked to any of the others like that. “It became my business when it started affecting Nick and the group. The bottom line is that you have to apologize.”

“I’m not five years old, Kevin,” Howie bristled, angry at the way Kevin was talking to him. “If I don’t want to apologize, I don’t have to.”

“True enough,” Kevin nodded. “But then you’ll have to deal with Nick’s anger, and with the fact that none of us, Nick, Brian, AJ nor I, will trust you again. You lied to us.”

“I didn’t have to tell you I had a boyfriend! That was my business, and it was before the group anyway!”

“I don’t mean that, because yes, you can do whatever you want with your love life as long as it’s not illegal or ends up causing trouble for the group,” Kevin interrupted. “I meant today. You went as far as to say that you had apologized to your ex-boyfriend, even when you knew you hadn’t. If Justin hadn’t been listening to the conversation, you would have kept lying to us, just to make us feel sorry for you, even when you say we’re like your brothers. And since we’re being frank here, I think you know that what you did to Chris was really low. The fact that you lied to us about it shows exactly how little you think about us, don’t you think?”

“I never thought...” he began, then paused. The truth was that Howie didn’t know what to say. The truth was that he had lied to them. That did make him feel ashamed. He hadn’t lied that much since…

Since he had been with Chris, and he had seemed to lie everytime someone had asked him about their relationship.

“So, what do you want to do?” Kevin asked, as Howie didn’t seem to want to continue.

“I don’t know.” Howie looked away from the house. “I mean, it’s not as if I still care.”

“Stop lying to yourself.” Keving reached out and pulled down Howie’s turtle neck, revealing Chris’s necklace, which Howie had been wearing since Sunday. “If you didn’t care, you wouldn’t have this on.”

Howie drew a deep breath. “It doesn’t matter.”

“Then what about your self respect? And the respect we had for you?” Kevin pressed. “If you don’t care about that, fine. Then wait in the car and I’ll go and apologize to Chris for witnessing your fight, we’ll drive back and you will have to accept the fact that we all think you’re a stranger who doesn’t take responsibility for his own actions. But if you care about anything, you will come with me and really apologize to him. For everything.”

Kevin left the car, and walked towards the door.

Howie drew a deep breath, and for a moment considered the first option. Stay there.

But in the end, deep down, he knew Kevin was right. So he left the car and walked towards his band mate, just as Kevin rang the doorbell.


	11. Shape of my heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kevin takes care of things.

Chris wasn’t having a good end of a week. After his ill-fated dinner with *N Sync, he had had to go to the police station, as he promised his sisters he would. Pressing charges against Daniel had been hard. Not because he harbored hopes that he would change, but because, in a way, it felt like admitting defeat.

He hadn’t been able to handle Daniel without help.

He hadn’t been able to see that Daniel was not only a jerk, but an abusive jerk.

School, at least, hadn’t been any more tiresome than any other week, and for that he was glad. Still while he had no problem with his actual classes, Mr. Putz called to inform him that since he had been the only one who had volunteered to chaperone the school play again, he would be in charge, but that ‘no shennanigans’ would be accepted. To enforce that order, Mr. Murgia had been asked to step in as a second chaperon.

To Chris’s bad luck, Mr. Murgia had agreed to help.

That meant many days working after hours with the only teacher Chris really couldn’t stand.

By the time dinner was over on Friday, Chris wanted only to fast forward to Saturday’s show. He loved to perform, and when he was on the stage he could stop thinking about everything beyond for the songs themselves. After, he’d sleep until Monday, hoping nothing else would happen to make that week even more miserable.

He had to call Justin sooner or later to apologize for his shortness on Wendsday. After thinking about it for a while, he realized that he had been too harsh with his friend.

When the doorbell rang, Chris sighed. It was close to eleven, and Kate, Emily and Taylor were asleep, while Molly was at work. The only person who came at that hour was Mrs. Tebaldi, the next door neighbour, who was so jumpy that even her floor creaking made her call everyone and ask them to check that there were no intruders in her house.

She also had an alarming tendency of misplacing her cats; Chris usually ended up holding her hand while someone else pulled the poor things down from the tree on the Chris’s lawn.

He was surprised then, when he saw that it was not his elderly neighbor at the door, but one of Howard’s band mates, and Howard behind him.

Surprised enough that when the tall man that introduced himself as Kevin Richardson asked politely if they could talk, Chris let them come in.

* * *

Kevin walked into Chris Kirkpatrick’s house, followed by Howie. Part of him was wondering if this particular course of action was a good idea. Not only wasn’t it any of his business what Howie had done in his past, but if Howie decided to act like an idiot again, this time Kevin was going to be responsible for the ensuing drama.

The other part of him hoped for the best because, really, anyone who would be polite enough to let two strangers (or at least, an ex-lover and a stranger) into his house at eleven in the evening, deserved some sort of closure.

“Can I offer any of you something to drink?” Chris asked Kevin, as both Howie and Kevin took a seat. “I have Coke, sugarless lemonade, water... Oh, and sure, black tea, two sugars. Right, Howard?”

Before Howie could answer, Kevin smiled. “Nothing, thank you. I’m sorry to bother you at this hour, Mr. Kirkpatrick, but the trip took us a little longer than I expected, and we do have to get back to Buffalo tomorrow.”

“Please, call me Chris. Mr. Kirkpatrick makes me feel too old. I understand. I think,” Chris answered, taking a seat on the couch opposite to Howie. Even when he looked serious, he wasn’t guarded like he had been that day at the Witch’s Cauldron. Kevin took that as a good sign. “I don’t understand what you are doing here, but I...”

“I came to apologize.” Howie said suddenly, interrupting Chris. To Kevin’s surprise, he was looking right into Chris’s eyes.

Chris, for his part, looked even more shocked, so much, that he didn’t even answer at first.

“I’m sorry… You came to what?” Chris finally asked, breaking the silence. To Kevin, it was painfully obvious that he had not expected Howie to say that. If Kevin had to be truthful, he himself had had some doubts that Howie would really apologize.

“No. Wrong question. Why?”

“You’re accepting my apology? Just like that?” Howie asked.

And it was a good question, Kevin mused, especially since he knew that if he had said the things Howie said, he would have been begging Kristen for months before she talked to him again.

“I guess a first attempt shouldn’t be shot down,” Chris deadpaned. “You’ve improved since last time, after all. This time you actually said ‘apologize’ instead of ‘talk’.”

Howie opened his mouth, but before speaking he turned to look at Kevin and apparently changed his mind. Kevin didn’t say anything, relieved. Howie’s usual tactic was to defend himself immediately; if he was restraining himself, it was a good sign.

“I deserve that. Maybe... no... not maybe. I know I said some really stupid things last time we talked.”

Chris didn’t miss Howie’s look, so he turned to look at Kevin, also. “Who are you? His speech writer?”

“I’m just his friend,” Kevin answered, wondering exactly what to say that would not anger Chris. Everything he knew about Christopher Kirkpatrick pointed to the fact that he was quick to go on the defensive, and Kevin didn’t want to be part of another fight.

“But I also wanted to make sure that this time he does the right thing... and to apologize to you for getting into your dressing room last Saturday and making a scene.”

“Apology accepted,” Chris told him, blinking. Then he turned to Howie, with the same puzzled look.

“Do your friends know that you are old enough to cross the street without someone holding your hand?”

Outwardly, Kevin didn’t react at all at the barb, but he was quite surprised when Howie actually laughed instead of getting in the defensive. That, he didn’t expect. Of course, there was the possibility that Howie had realized that Chris used humor as a defense mechanism and wasn’t trying to attack him. Howie still got offended at AJ’s similar tactics, though, so maybe it was too much to ask.

“Kevin has a father-figure complex,” his band mate answered, smiling.

Or maybe Brian was right, and Kevin didn’t know his friends as well as he liked to believe he did.

“So he decided you had been a bad boy and dragged you to my house to apologize for my broken windows?”

At that, even Kevin had to contain a laugh. He now understood a little more why Justin and Lance seemed to be so protective of Chris. The guy was a nice person. Even with his defensive humor, he wasn’t nasty. He wondered exactly what Howie had said to make his former lover lash out in anger.

“Something like that, yeah,” Howie took another deep breath. “Look, I know I handled things pretty badly, back then and now. I just... I was happy to see you again, Chris. I never meant to dissapear like that. And then you sang _that_ song, and I was sure you were singing it because you saw me...”

“I did,” Chris interrupted. “But it wasn’t just about you.”

“Your world doesn’t revolve around me, I know,” Howie said.

And unless Kevin was imagining things, Howie sounded hurt. Maybe Howie wasn’t as over Chris as he wanted to believe.

“I just overreacted. And when you didn’t act happy to see me...”

“You exploded.” Chris closed his eyes, smiling sadly.

It seemed to Kevin that Chris had time to wonder about the situation.

“It used to happen a lot, I remember.” Chris finished, looking at Howie.

“And you always forgave me,” Howie said, softly. “You always apologized when I got angry at you...”

“And when I got angry at you, I usually apologized too.”

Recognizing this as a start down a path of things that shouldn’t be listened to by a third party, Kevin stood up. Both men turned to watch him, and Kevin realized that for a while, they had forgotten he was there.

“Chris? If you don’t mind... I can wait in the kitchen.” He offered to the still surprised man.

“Sure, if you want.” Chris answered, and Kevin took his leave. He decided that he would take the time to call Nick and assure him that everything was going fine with this side of the situation.

* * *

Howie waited patiently until Kevin dissapeared into the kitchen, thankful for the small gesture. Now that he was here, with Chris and not trying to be angry or offended, he had realized how much he had missed him.

When Chris wasn’t trying to hurt him, it was difficult for Howie to remember all the good reasons he’d had to walk away that day.

“Why did you do that?” he asked, after a long pause. “Why did you always apologize even if I was the one wrong?”

Chris sighed, and looked at the ceiling. For a moment, Howie thought Chris wasn’t going to answer to him.

“Because I loved you, and I didn’t want you to leave.”

Howie took a moment to absorb that. Loved. It hurt him, because even if he hadn’t admitted it out loud, the idea that Chris was still in love with him after six years was not only good for his ego, it was also sweet. At the same time, he realized that Nick had been right.

Leaving for six years without so much as a ‘sorry, I have to leave the country’ had been a stupid thing to do.

“And then I left,” Howie sighed.

“And then you left,” Chris agreed. “Which shows what a bad course of action that was.”

Howie wanted to justify his actions right then, to tell Chris that he had left because Chris didn’t understood why Howie was not open about his sexuality and the fact that they were dating. The Backstreet Boys were something Howie wasn’t going to risk for anyone. Plus, if his parents knew he was bisexual they would be disapointed with him.

He wanted to say anything to make Chris understand why he had left.

What stopped him was remembering their talk on Sunday, and his phone call to Dave. His own words. Instead, he looked straight into Chris’s eyes and said the words that he now realized he should have said long ago. “I’m sorry, Chris. I didn’t think back then. I’m not going to say I wouldn’t have gone anyway, but… I should have at least talked to you before leaving.”

Chris looked at him, and smiled sadly, making Howie’s heart skip a beat. Yes, he missed Chris. Why hadn’t he been able to admit that to himself?

“Maybe I should have been a little more understanding about your fears and phobias,” Chris said. “It hurt me that you denied our relationship to everyone, Howie. But then... my mom taught me not to hide my true self no matter what so I really never understood that part of your life.”

“Don’t apologize, Chris. Please.” Howie whispered. “Everytime you apologize for something, it makes me think I’m not to blame for what happened.”

“We could say we were both to blame.” Chris smiled at him, as if everything was fine.

Still, Howie knew that between them there were six years, and fame and fortune. No matter how he wished to tell himself they didn’t matter, they did.

* * *

Chris waited patiently for Howard to answer him.

The whole thing seemed incredibly surreal. After his discussion with Howard on Wednesday, he had decided that if Howard tried to contact him again, he would try to stay calm. Five years was long enough, and he had realized that he was also to blame for their last two fights.

He had known Howard’s tendency to try and pin the blame on everyone else, and he had let it get to him.

Twice.

With Kevin and Howard at the door presenting him a new chance to do things right, his plan had been to listen to whatever Howard had to say, not letting any of his usual crap get to him. Then, politely, tell him to fuck off.

Howard apologizing was something that came out of left field. It was a nice change, so Chris found he couldn’t just dismiss Howard after that. Even if they couldn’t just start again as if the last six years hadn’t passed, he wanted to put the past behind them once and for all.

“So what do we do now?” Howard finally asked, looking at his hands.

“I don’t know,” Chris answered truthfully. “I haven’t had much experience being friends with my exes.”

In hindsight, perhaps it had been the wrong thing to say. Howard’s eyes became guarded for a second and Chris feared that it would start a new fight. But Howard surprised him yet again when he smiled softly.

“Neither do I but… we can try, right Chris? I mean… Would you give me a chance?”

If Howard had asked him that a week ago, Chris wouldn’t have known what to answer. A week ago he was still with Daniel, who used to get so jealous that Chris sometimes had trouble just talking with his coworkers when he was near. A week ago, Chris had not dreamed of seeing Howard ever again.

Now, things were different. Daniel was a thing of the past, the same as Howard, and all the pain Howard had caused Chris.

“I can try,” he said, smiling as he got up. “Will you accept that tea now?”

“Sure. Thanks.”

Maybe it was a small step, Chris figured as he went to the kitchen. But it was a small step in the right direction.

* * *

Joey hadn’t intended to overhear Lance talking on the phone in Johnny’s office, and in truth he hadn’t heard much.

He had been going to talk to Johnny, to ask him if it was possible to get their cell phones back. Without interruptions and once Justin had calmed down, the rehearsals had gone a lot better. They had finally managed to nail down ‘Space Cowboy’, and ‘It Makes Me Ill’ was almost ready.

There was no need to keep themselves closed in, and Joey wanted to let Johnny know he was going out.

Still, he had forgotten all of that when he heard Lance talking on his cell.

“Give me one good reason why I should give you Chris’s address,” Lance had said into his cell phone, freezing Joey in his place. Lance hadn’t seen him, and Joey stayed still at the corner, trying to hear what was going on. “That sounds like a good reason.”

That didn’t sound good.

“Why do you care, Kevin?”

Since they didn’t know many guys named Kevin, and only one of those would care about Chris’s address, Joey bit his lip trying to keep silent. He knew that if Lance heard him, he would stop talking.

“And if Howie doesn’t want to apologize?”

The will power needed to keep him from storming down the hallway and demanding to know what the fuck Howie wanted with Chris was considerable, but Joey managed to get it. Instead, he turned around and returned to the rehearsal room, forgetting all about talking to Johnny.

He even managed to act normal and professional during the rest of the day, and had half convinced himself that there was nothing to worry about because _Lance_ wouldn’t give Chris’s address to the Backstreet Boys.

Only half convinced, though, because Lance had asked Kevin for one good reason to give him the address, and apparently Kevin had given him one.

Joey was aware that a dinner and a few hours talking didn’t give him the right to worry about Chris’s life. Even so, the fact that the two times Joey had seen Howie contact Chris, he had ended up angry at the world was enough to make Joey wish that he could make sure Howie would never be near Chris again.

He was almost sure Lance shared his feelings; at least sure enough that he waited until almost eleven to pound on Lance’s door to talk to him.

“What did Kevin want?” he asked, as soon as Lance opened the door. “What did you tell him?”

“You couldn’t wait until tomorrow to ask?” Lance didn’t sound annoyed, or even bothered by Joey’s irruption, even if he had to be asleep.

“Did you give him Chris’s address?”

“Come on in,” Lance moved away from the door to let Joey pass to his room. “And yes, I did.”

“Why?”

“Chris deserved more than a phone call from Howie, Kevin wanted to make that happen.” Lance sat on the edge of his bed.

“What if Howie says something stupid again?” Joey paced. “What if now Chris decides he really hates every single member of a band?”

“Kevin will be there. And they’re mad enough with Howie as it is, so I doubt he’ll let Howie be an idiot this time.” Lance’s calmness was starting to annoy Joey. “Besides, I do think Kevin is right. Chris and Howie need to talk face to face, without an audience.”

Joey didn’t want to admit that Lance had a point. “I don’t trust Howie.”

“You don’t know Howie,” Lance pointed out. “Neither do I, for that case, which is a very good reason why neither of us should get more involved on this. In fact, the only ones who have any right to be involved are Chris and Howie, given that it was their relationship in the first place.”

“Chris is Justin’s friend,” Joey tried. “That makes…”

“That makes no difference,” Lance interrupted. “I thought you told me you weren’t going to dwell on your crush.”

“I’m not,” Joey closed his eyes. “It’s not. I don’t. What if they get back together?”

Lance sighed, and Joey figured that he sounded pretty stupid. Yes, he wasn’t going to dwell on his crush. He had said he wouldn’t. But he still was attracted to Chris, and he still wanted to see Chris smile and hang out with him whenever schedule permitted it.

Seeing Chris with a lover was something he could stand, as long as that lover wasn’t Howie Dorough from the Backstreet Boys.

“You should give Chris more credit.” Lance said, coldly. “He’s not going to go back to Howie just because Howie apologizes. The man left him completely out of his life for six years, and that’s huge. I might not know Chris very well, but I’m pretty sure that no amount of groveling will make him give Howie another chance as a boyfriend.”

* * *

Nick had been jumpy since Kevin and Howie left, AJ had just shrugged and said he was going out.

Brian was aware that lately AJ seemed to be drifting away from the rest of the group. Any other day, he would have either asked AJ to stay or offered to go with him, but at the moment, it seemed more important to be there for Nick, who obviously needed a friend.

“He still doesn’t answer?” He didn’t even bother to knock when he entered Nick’s room.

“I got one of their management,” Nick answered, hanging the phone. “Apparently, they’re not taking calls from anyone. Not even Britney could get to him.”

“You called Britney?” Brian sat on the bed next to Nick. “You’re friends with her too?”

“She hates me,” Nick shook his head, surprising Brian. “But yeah, I called her, and she thought Justin wasn’t taking her calls because of me, so I spent an hour apologizing for something that Howie did. Of course, I couldn’t tell her that, so it was mostly her yelling at me and me agreeing that I’m the worst scum on earth.”

Brian blinked, surprised. He really didn’t pretend to understand Nick’s relationship with Justin but he had imagined they had more friends in common.

“I don’t see how Howie could have known this would happen, I mean, I’m sure he didn’t plan for Britney to yell at you,” Brian said, trying to cheer Nick up. “And there could be many reasons why Justin isn’t taking calls that have nothing to do with Howie or what happened.”

“The last time Justin called…”

“The last time Justin called was two days ago, Nick,” Brian pointed out. “A lot can happen in two days, and if anything bad had happened to *N Sync, we would have found out on MTV.”

Nick looked at him sadly. “I know. It’s just, I have a bad feeling about all this.”

* * *

It was about twenty past midnight when Chris offered Howie and Kevin the guest room, so they wouldn’t be driving all night.

To Kevin’s surprise, it was Howie who declined the invitation.

“We’re not driving far, Chris,” he had said. “We’ve got a room reserved nearby.”

Chris hadn’t insisted, and so, a few minutes later, they were on their way to find a hotel where they could stay.

Once in the car, however, Kevin turned to see Howie, smiling.

“I’m proud of you, Howie. You did the right thing.”

“No, I didn’t.” Howie sighed. “This is just a start.”

Kevin lifted an eyebrow, but didn’t ask. He knew that it had been hard for Howie to admit that he had treated Chris wrong, both before he became famous and after, and that any talk to an estranged ex had to be taxing, so he decided that this time, he could let it go.

He could give Howie the space he needed to think, now that he knew that Howie was actively thinking about what he had done instead of trying to point out the things that had been done to him.

The silence also gave him time to think about Nick’s reactions to the whole situation. While Kevin agreed that Howie had behaved badly, he also thought that Nick had overreacted. Nick didn’t know Christopher Kirkpatrick, and his reaction to the situation hadn’t been for Chris’s benefit, but for Justin Timberlake’s.

Nick and Justin were friends, Kevin knew that. He also knew that Nick would have probably acted with the same zeal on behalf of any of the Backstreet Boys, but even so it struck him as odd.

Now that the crisis had been solved, he would make time to talk to Nick. Kevin admitted that his feelings regarding *N Sync were biased. After the troublesome Sunday, he had also accepted that the only solution to the so called war was to accept that both were different and had been created for different reasons. He wouldn’t make any judgments against Justin, mostly because if he had Nick’s friendship he had to be good enough, and he had discovered on his own that Lance wasn’t bad either.

He couldn’t see everlasting friendship between the two groups in the near future, not without a lot of effort from both parts. However, after all that had happened that week, he figured it wouldn’t hurt to try.

* * *

It was around ten in the morning when Howie and Kevin reunited with the other Backstreet Boys.

The moment the car stopped, Howie went straight to Nick. For a second there, Nick was worried. Sure, he was bigger than Howie, but if things had gone wrong, he was sure Howie would find a way to pin the blame on him.

Since he was convinced of this, the hug took him completely by surprise.

“You’re not angry with me anymore,” Nick said, still a little shocked. Maybe Kevin had brainwashed Howie, wherever they had gone.

“No. You were right. I was an idiot.” Howie was still smiling.

Nick was convinced that there had been brainwashing involved. Probably with the Ninth Symphony as soundtrack while watching their old interviews. Or maybe it had been just an old fashioned lobotomy. The long hair would cover the scars, so no one would really notice it.

“That’s good,” he muttered.

“And if you hadn’t been annoying me to no end, then Kevin wouldn’t have taken me to see Chris,” Howie continued, and the alarm bells started ringing in Nick’s head.

“I apologized properly.”

“You did?” Maybe there had been handcuffs involved. There had had to be some threaten of permanent damage in the full story.

“He did,” Kevin confirmed. “For everything.”

Nick made a mental note never to piss off Kevin.

“And the best part of all this is that Chris forgave me.” Howie was still smiling.

Nick figured that either it had been a very good apology, or Justin’s friend was an idiot.

“And we’re back to… kind of friends.”

“Kind of?” That was good, Nick supposed. If Howie was Chris’s friend again, he could help convince Chris that he had to join *N Sync. At least, he could stop fucking Justin’s attempts by making Chris angry.

“Yes… He still needs time, and I don’t blame him. So I just have to work a little harder to convince him that we can be real friends, and then get back together, and that’s thanks to you, Nick. If you and Justin weren’t friends, I might have never found Chris again.”

Nick’s smile froze on his face.

Howie was going to fuck this up to high heavens, he knew it. When that happened, that Chris guy was going to be devastated.

Everything would then point to the fact that it had been Nick’s fault that Howie had gotten that second chance.

Justin was going to kill him.


	12. A whole new world

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Destiny takes charge.

The small restaurant was filled to the brim, Johnny noticed. That, at least, was encouraging. Even if Justin’s friend didn’t have a modicum of talent, the food couldn’t be that bad.

He was sitting in the farthest corner of the restaurant, not really paying attention to the three girls on the stage. His mind was occupied on how to tell Justin that Chris wasn’t going to join *N Sync, the budget for the tour, the schedule for the recording of their new video, the budget for that new video, and the schedule of the tour. He hadn’t planned on paying any attention to the stage at all.

He had been somewhat surprised to see Lonnie there. It was the chief of security’s free night, so Johnny hadn’t expected to see him until Sunday morning. Lonnie was talking to a red haired woman who seemed to be the one in charge of the place.

Around nine, the woman came on stage and introduced Alan Kirkpatrick as the last act of the night.

Alan Kirkpatrick –who was called Chris by his friends, according to Justin- wasn’t exactly what Johnny had pictured a friend of *N Sync to be. He had imagined someone trying for the ‘lone rock star’ image, not a short guy in a turtleneck sweater and black rimmed glasses.

“Hi, everyone.” Alan said, adjusting the microphone. “I hope you all are having a great night.”

Alan sat on the stool that was in the middle of the small stage, and started playing the guitar. He wasn’t a bad player, but nothing out of the ordinary, in Johnny’s opinion.

Then he began to sing.

* * *

Sunday morning rehearsal started off well, all things considered.

They had lifted their self-imposed house arrest the night before, after they had finally gotten the new choreographies, and were now starting to polish them. All the tension of the week before had apparently disappeared, and for that Joey was glad. Things were getting back on track. The tour was going to be ready by the end of the month.

Justin looked between ready to burst from excitement or having a nervous breakdown. Joey knew he still hadn’t called his girlfriend, Nick, or Chris, because they had been rehearsing non stop, but he figured that as soon as Wade gave them a break, Justin would be running to the nearest empty room.

He didn’t know how often Justin called Nick Carter, but he knew that Justin had never let two days pass between calls to Britney. Four days had to be torture for him.

They were in the middle of It’s Gonna Be Me, which they could already do with their eyes closed, thanks to the video, when Lance’s phone rang.

“This is Lance, who… oh, hi Molly.” Joey stopped in the middle of the room, turning to look at Lance. Justin and JC also looked surprised, so he guessed none of them knew that Lance had given Chris’s sister his number. “I expected that, yes. Not this soon, but…” As Lance spoke, Joey turned to look at Justin.

“What’s going on?” Justin asked, whispering.

“I have no idea,” Joey answered, truthfully. Lance kept talking, apparently not listening to them.

“It seems that Lance moved faster than you this time…” JC smiled, watching Lance speak on his phone. Justin snickered trying to hide his smile with his hand.

“What?”

“You were eyeing Chris’s sisters, Joey,” Justin said, shaking his head. “Trying to impress them and all…”

“I wasn’t…” Joey rolled his eyes. He figured he was lucky. He had been a little obvious with his attempts at dinner, but apparently, neither of his friends had caught to the fact that he was trying to impress Chris. He only hoped Chris didn’t think Joey was after his sisters. “Forget it.”

“At what time was the meeting?” Lance was asking Molly, completely oblivious to the conversation going on behind his back. “I see. Well, don’t worry, honey. We will help him in anything we can.”

Lance hung up, and turned to see Wade ignoring the rest of the group. “Wade, do you think we can take half an hour?”

“I don’t see why not,” the choreographer answered, surprisingly agreeable. Joey figured it was because they had been dancing non-stop for five hours with no major mistakes. “Why don’t you take your lunch break now? I’ll see you at three.”

“What’s going on, Lance?” Justin asked, picking up his water bottle. “That was Chris’s sister, right?”

“Molly,” Joey mused, although he was wondering the wisdom of teasing his only ally on the ‘get Chris the fuck away from Howie’ plan. “Correct me if I’m wrong, but she’s the oldest, right?”

“And Lance has always had a thing for older women,” JC added, trying to hide a grin. “Although he usually calls _them_ first. If they’re already at the ‘she’s calling him phase’, it seems to me that we missed something.”

“Molly says ‘hi’,” Lance glared at them, but he didn’t really look annoyed. Joey couldn’t help the feeling that Lance was waiting for the punch line. “And we’re going to see Johnny.”

“We are?” JC frowned. “Why?”

“Because Lance wants moral support for when he tell Johnny he’s got a girlfriend right before we start the tour,” Justin said with a shake of his head, laughing.

“You’ll see,” Lance led the way out of the room, followed by his puzzled band mates. Joey guessed that maybe his friend was really going to ask Johnny for the night off, which suited Joey fine. Maybe he could go and talk to Chris earlier than he had expected.

Maybe Howie hadn’t managed to make Chris hate all pop singers. Maybe Chris would be happy to see them.

And maybe Chris was coming out from Johnny’s office, shaking Johnny’s hand.

Joey stopped in his tracks, just in time to avoid colliding with Justin and JC who had stopped at the same time.

“Chris?” He whispered at the same time Justin yelled it. Joey was pretty sure no one had heard him because of that.

“Hi, guys,” Chris waved, shyly. “Justin,”

“Chris, you’re here!” Justin smiled brightly, hugging his friend. Joey couldn’t help feeling a bit jealous, because Justin could hug Chris, while he could only shake his hand.

“I know introductions aren’t needed,” Johnny said, smiling. “But Chris here is the newest client of Wright Entertainment.”

The first one to react was Justin, who hooted and hugged Chris again. Joey was too shocked to say anything, because his mind was stuck on the idea that if Chris had signed with Johnny, then Joey could see Chris a lot more often than, say, Howie. Which was perfect, as far as he was concerned. JC was frowning, as if he didn’t approve the situation, while Lance was smiling, and Joey was completely sure that this wasn’t a surprise to Lance at all.

“That’s great, Chris! With your voice-”

“He’ll be our biggest solo number this year,” Johnny interrupted whatever Justin was going to say, and Joey didn’t miss the way Justin’s face just fell. He doubted Chris had missed it either, because there had been a flash of sadness clouding the teacher’s eyes. “The girls will go mad.”

Chris shook his head, smiling even when Joey could see that the smile wasn’t as open and sincere as the smiles he had been giving them at his house. “Mr. Wright still doesn’t believe me when I say I’m gay.”

“Your target demography won’t care, Chris. In fact, I’m pretty sure some will like it better.” Johnny’s phone rang inside the office, and their manager rushed to answer it. “Guys, go show Chris around the place, please. And Chris? I’ll see you tomorrow so you can meet the rest of the team.”

They stood in silence outside Jhonny’s office for a moment, looking at each other. Finally, Joey couldn’t take the awkwardness, and opened his mouth.

“So, I’m guessing this is why Molly called Lance, right?”

* * *

When Chris had woke on Sunday morning, he was pretty sure he had been dreaming the night before. While Megan had always joked with him that one day a producer was going to hear his act and offer him a contract, Chris had never expected it to actually happen.

That was why, when Johnny Wright had approached him after the end of his set, Chris had been caught by surprise. The man had not only congratulated him on his performance, but insisted that Chris come to his temporary offices the next day to talk about his career.

When Chris had hesitated, Johnny had pulled out his card, and mentioned the many groups and solo artists his company managed.

One of them had been *N Sync, of course.

“Mr. Wright, if this is because of Justin, I really don’t…” Chris had begun to apologize, because he hadn’t wanted to force the poor man to fake enthusiasm only because Justin had asked him to.

“Call me Johnny, please, Mr. Kirkpatrick,” Johnny had insisted, not letting Chris’s hand go. “And hear me out. Yes, I am *N Sync’s manager, and yes, Justin did recommend that I come here for dinner tonight. But I wouldn’t be approaching you if I didn’t think you have what it takes to be big.”

Chris had agreed to meet the man at his office, although he hadn’t really known what to expect from the meeting. He had told his sisters during breakfast, and they all told him that he had to go, and take the chance if it came. Molly in particular had practically pushed him out the door so he wouldn’t be late.

The meeting itself had been surreal to Chris. Johnny had talked about contracts, tours, record deals and promotions. More importantly, he seemed to understand that Chris had a job, and a family, and that his family came first.

Johnny seemed convinced that they could work around that, so Chris had agreed to start reviewing the possibility of a record deal. He hadn’t even blinked at the revelation that Chris was gay, and out. Two hours later, even though both had agreed that Chris had to read over the contract carefully with a lawyer, Chris had himself a manager and a possible new career.

“We’ll start small, at first,” Johnny told him, guiding him towards the exit. “You can be the opening act for one of our groups, and we’ll see from there.”

Chris was going to remind Johnny that he had to finish the school semester, if nothing else, when Justin called his name.

“Chris!” Right there, in the hallway, were JC, Justin, Lance, and Joey. While Chris had known that they were there, working on the tour that had Emily so exited, he hadn’t expected to see them so soon.

They all looked tired, so Chris guessed that they had come from their rehearsal. Singing and dancing at the same time, no matter what he told Howie when he was angry, sounded like a real exhausting work out, but it kept them in shape, judging by JC’s muscular but thin arms. And damn, Joey looked really good glistening with sweat.

Even as distracted as he was, Chris didn’t miss the way in which Justin’s face fell when Johnny said that Chris was going to launch a solo career, and that made him sad. He didn’t understand what Justin had planned by sending his manager to the Witch Cauldron, but he figured Chris getting a chance in show business wasn’t part of it.

That was weird, because Justin, or at least the Justin he knew, wasn’t one to begrudge his friends when they got lucky breaks.

Once Johnny left, Chris didn’t know what to say. Lance looked pleased, JC looked ready to burst, and it was obvious that Justin didn’t know what to do or say. Joey… well, Chris thought that Joey looked great but he couldn’t really guess what Joey was thinking.

Whatever he was expecting the young man to say, “So… I’m guessing this is why Molly called Lance, right?” was not it.

“Wait,” Chris frowned, looking at the grinning blond. “Why does my little sister have your phone number, Lance?”

* * *

Joey couldn’t help but be amazed at the change in Chris’s features as soon as Molly was mentioned. Since he and Steve did exactly the same thing whenever Jeannette introduced a new boyfriend to the family, Joey could recognize the look Chris was giving Lance.

It was the ‘Who are you and why do you think you’re good enough to date my little sister’ look. Which maybe Lance deserved, because, well, why did Molly have Lance’s phone number? But even so, Joey couldn’t let his friend die alone. Lance, after all, had been helping Joey find Chris, even if Joey hadn’t been able to even talk to Chris yet.

“Chris, have you seen anything around here?” Joey asked, hoping that it would distract Chris, at least temporarily. He knew it wasn’t the best evasive action, but unlike Lance, he didn’t have a thousand back up plans ready in the back of his mind.

“No, not really. I was basically escorted to the office immediately,” Chris smiled at him, but he quickly focused on Lance again. “Well, Mr. Bass? I’m waiting.”

Ouch. ‘Mr. Bass’. That couldn’t be good, Joey guessed.

“I assure you, Chris, that I have no ill-intentions regarding your sister. Miss Molly is a very intelligent woman, but she and I are just friends.”

When Lance finished, everyone turned to look at Chris. It was a good reason, Joey figured, and usually when Lance used his serious tone he could convince anyone to let him do whatever it was he wanted to do.

Chris, it seemed, was no exception.

“Well, then, I,” Chris shook his head. “That’s okay, I guess.”

Taking advantage of the momentary surprise, Joey placed his hand on Chris’s shoulder. “So, what do you say about a tour? We still have about an hour before going back to the torture chamber.”

“Lead on,” Chris smiled at him, all traces of the scary over protective brother gone.

It was a good thing that he wasn’t actively trying to seduce Chris, he guessed. If Chris’s version of the overprotective brother was scary, he didn’t want to imagine his sisters’ version. Especially when he remembered that they had effectively shielded him from the Backstreet Boys for almost five years.

“You guys go ahead,” Lance waved. “I have some calls to make, and I’m a terrible tour guide, anyway. JC, I wanted to ask you some things about my production company’s project, do you think we can go over it now?”

“Sure,” JC frowned, confused. “It’s the Happy Thing stuff?”

“Happy Place, but yeah,” Lance led JC away, barely pausing to smile at Joey, who couldn’t help but shake his head in admiration. Lance’s saves were a lot better than his own.

“I have to call Nick,” Justin blurted out. “And Brit. She must be worried, I haven’t called her in days and I promised I would. I’ll meet you in the dinning room?”

“Go ahead,” Joey smiled. “Say hi to Britney for me.” He was not going to send greetings to Nick Carter. If anything, he wanted to ask Nick if he could kill Howie, but he doubted Justin would pass along message.

Justin practically ran down the hallway, leaving Chris and Joey alone.

“Well, it seems it’s just you and me,” Joey laughed, although inside he was feeling insanely nervous. He had been waiting for a moment alone with Chris ever since he had seen him at the bar, and now that he had his chance, he had no idea what to say.

“It looks that way.” Chris was looking around the hallway. “So, would you rather go to eat something to eat? I got the impression that you were rehearsing before coming down here.”

“We’ve got time,” Joey said, thanking all the years of acting that helped him keep his tone normal. “And if I know Johnny, you’ll end up spending a lot of your time here, so it’s better if you know where everything is. I know I got lost a lot the first three days.”

* * *

“C’mon, c’mon, c’mon,” Nick dialed Justin’s cell for the fourth time, willing his friend to pick up. So far he had gotten voice mail, an out of range message, and a ‘please try again’ message. As the monotone voice began again, he hung up resigned. Two more ‘please try again’ messages. And soon he would have to go to the sound check and turn off his own phone so unless Justin actually picked up his phone, Nick couldn’t tell him what had happened the night before.

In the same moment he hung up to dial again, his phone rang. Without looking at the caller Id, he answered.

“What?”

“Nick! We’ve got an emergency!” Obviously someone in heaven liked him because it was Justin, and apparently he had heard the news before Nick could tell him what was going on.

“I know. I never thought this would happen.”

“You know? How do you know?” Justin sounded confused. “I just found out!”

“Kevin and Howie told me.” Nick frowned. It wasn’t as if Justin didn’t know that he talked to his band mates. “Chris told you, right? So he’s talking to you again?”

“God, yes. I fucked this up, Nick.” Justin was talking fast, but Nick could understand him almost completely. “He’s going to think I don’t want him to do it!”

“Well, you don’t want him to do it!” Nick sat down, trying to lower his voice. He didn’t want Howie finding out about this particular call. “Or do you?”

“Yeah, but not like this!” Justin’s answer took him by surprise. “Not alone!”

It occurred to Nick that perhaps he and Justin were talking about two different things.

“Justin, I don’t-”

“Nick, I don’t know what to do! If Chris puts out a solo record, that’s great for him, but then there’s no way I can convince Johnny and the guys that he has to be part of *N Sync… and then the whole plan goes to pieces….”

Nick blinked, and put his mind back on track. Justin didn’t know about Howie, which was good. “Wait, wait. Chris agreed to sign with Johnny? He’s got a contract already?”

“I think so. I didn’t…” Justin trailed off, and for a moment Nick worried that his friend would realize that Nick hadn’t been talking about the same emergency. “Nick, you’re a genius! I only have to make sure the guys insist that Chris gets in the group before he signs the contract! Thanks!”

“You, You’re welcome, J, but--”

“Shit! I forgot to call Britney! I’ll call you later, Nick, and thanks. Bye.”

“Bye.”

Nick hung up, resigned. He had to admit that maybe he was getting paranoid. Sure, if Johnny Wright had signed Chris that only helped the chances of makingJustin’s dream come true. Even if the guy didn’t join *N Sync, which was the most probable thing if Nick was truthful with himself, at least he would have his deserved shot at fame, which ultimately was what Justin wanted to give him. Everything would work out in the end.

If Howie tried to patch things up with his ex-lover, however, things could get complicated. He knew quite well how PR could get when their personal lives got involved, and he was pretty sure that Chris wouldn’t like the secrecy route, if Nick had understood half of what had gone between Chris and Howie.

Nick shook his head. It wasn’t his problem yet, and it wouldn’t be unless he made it his problem. He had enough things to worry about without adding Howie’s love life in the mix.

He just hoped Justin wouldn’t do anything stupid.

* * *

“Which brings us back to the dinning room,” Joey finished the tour with a flourish. “What do you think?”

“The school gym is smaller than your game room,” Chris said, impressed. “And I can see how you got lost. I’m not sure I’m going to be able to find the way out, once you return to your rehearsal.”

“They don’t let us out so often, so I can’t find the exit by myself,” Joey joked, sitting down. “Can I offer you something? I can do great club sandwiches.”

“It’s ok. I’m not really hungry.” Chris sat next to him, looking at the big kitchen. “Still, I don’t think you’re being fair to your management. I’ve seen you guys outside, among us peasants, so they must let you guys out of the dungeons from time to time.”

“Usually only after informing them, with a week in advance, of where are we going and who we are going with,” Joey sighed, and Chris guessed it was not an enjoyable subject for him. “Our PR team can be really paranoid sometimes. If you’re lucky, you won’t have to deal with that kind of intrusion.”

“I don’t think I could stand it,” Chris looked at his hands, folded on the table. “To be truthful, I have a lot of second thoughts about all this. You and Howard make it sound a little too hopeless. Losing all your privacy and the right to be yourself for a moment in the spotlight seems too extreme to me.”

Joey looked at him with an expression Chris couldn’t decipher, but he guessed it might be that Joey realized that Chris remembered him from the Little Cabaret. Chris, however, had promised himself that he wouldn’t mention that night to Joey.

“It’s not that bad,” Joey said, finally, but there was something in his tone that told Chris that Joey was measuring his words carefully. “After hours, we’re pretty much free to do whatever we want, as long as we have the energy to do it. If we go somewhere ‘inappropriate’ for our image, we get yelled at, sure, but that’s about all. As long as we’re careful no one cares. It’s only when our picture lands in the papers when PR buts in.”

“You get yelled at a lot?” Chris asks, half joking, half serious. Between what little he has read and what Emily and his students have told him, he knows that Joey has a reputation as being a party man.

“Not as much as you would believe,” Joey answered shaking his head. “I’ve been lucky. People are actually pretty discrete at the places I go when I’m not with the group.”

Chris looks up, meeting Joey’s eyes. There was no mistake now, recognition was clear in the singer’s eyes. Joey had seen him at Little Cabaret, had recognized him, and was now giving him an opening.

Despite his best intentions, Chris took it. “I thought that had been a one night thing. You looked so out of place there.”

“I was out of place, but not that out of place,” Joey admitted, smiling at him. “I thought you hadn’t noticed me watching you.”

“I noticed,” Chris smiled. “You’re, ah, hard to miss.”

“Really?” Joey’s smile lit up his face, and Chris found himself leaning just a bit closer, even as he kept yelling at himself that it was a really bad idea.

“Chris! Joey! I was looking for you two!” Justin’s entrance made both men turn around towards the door at the same time, and Chris felt slightly foolish. It wasn’t as if he had been doing anything with Joey, so why did he feel like blushing?

“We told you we were going to be here, J.” Joey’s voice sounded calm, too calm. Either he was very good at pretending, or Chris had very good reasons to start kicking himself because he had been reading the situation wrong. “Everything ok with Britney?”

“Yeah, she’s cool. She’s going to Rio so she won’t meet us at the beginning of the tour.”

“Britney?” Chris asked, after managing to put his thoughts on the right track. “Britney Spears?”

“Wait,” Joey looked at him, surprised. “You managed to raise a sixteen year old girl without listening to either us or the Backstreet Boys, but you know Brit? I can’t believe it!”

“She’s a big hit at some of the places I frequent,” Chris explained, without much elaboration. He had guessed Joey hadn’t told Justin about going to gay bars. “And one of my co-workers hates her so much that he brings up the subject of forbidding her music and fashion choices at every teachers’ meeting.”

“You have to tell her that when I introduce you guys,” Justin laughed, grabbing an apple from the fruit bowl on the table. “She will flip.”

“Better yet, tell her mom,” Joey shook his head, smiling. “Where are Lance and JC?”

“In the rehearsal room. Lance told me they had already eateb, so I figured you guys missed them,” Justin said, grabbing a second apple and throwing it at Joey. “We’re basically waiting for you.”

“Oh, well. Time to earn our keep,” Joey laughed, standing up. “Chris, do you-”

“Want to come?” Justin interrupted Joey, smiling at Chris. “I mean, if you want to stay? You could, you know?”

Chris looked at Justin, trying to figure out what was going on in his young friend’s head. When Johnny had told them that Chris was going to be signing with him, Justin had looked crushed. Now, he wanted Chris to stay with them. Any other Sunday, Chris would have declined the invitation. But since Johnny had insisted on talking, he had cancelled Sunday’s show at the Cauldron, so he didn’t need to get ready for that. Emily was out with her friends, Kate was taking care of Taylor, and Molly was probably asleep. It would give him the chance to spend a little more time with Joey and Justin, maybe get to know JC, who seemed to glare in his general direction every once in a while.

And of course, keep an eye on Lance, if he was planning on getting to know Molly better.

“If no one complains, I think I could stay for a while.”


	13. It's the end of the world as we know it (And I feel fine)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things change.

“Mr. Kirkpatrick? Mr. Putz wants to see you in his office.”

“I’ll be right there,” Chris smiled at Mr. Putz’s assistant, taking off his glasses before addressing the class. “Guys, just keep reading until the end of the chapter, ok? I bet I’ll get back before you finish.”

As he walked towards the principal’s office, Chris was happy. Sunday had been amazingly fun, once he had let go of his misgivings about Justin’s behavior, and he was still impressed by the four members of *N Sync’s energy. He had stayed with them almost three hours, watching them repeat the dance steps over and over while their choreographer, a 17-year-old dance prodigy according to Justin, yelled at them from time to time.

It made Chris really glad that during the meeting with Johnny, there had been no talk of dancing. He had agreed to stop playing the guitar, but he wasn’t going to dance. After seeing Joey sweat, Chris was even more grateful for that.

Joey. That was another thing that refused to leave Chris’s mind. Joey. When they had been alone, it had been obvious that the young man was flirting with him and Chris had been flirting back.

Chris didn’t know how he felt about it, and had been mulling over it all week. Yes, Joey was not only a very handsome man, and now that Chris had gotten the chance to know him, he also had discovered Joey’s great personality. But while all his instincts told Chris that Joey was perfect, there was also the fact that Joey was obviously closeted to everyone who mattered.

After Howard, Chris had vowed never again to go out with a closeted man. He had broken that vow with Daniel; when Daniel introduced Chris as his brother, Chris hadn’t said anything, because he had been afraid of losing Daniel just as he had lost Howard. Chris admitted to himself that the problem was that he was a man of habits, and he always ended in the same pattern. That was why he couldn’t pursue anything with Joey. It wouldn’t be fair for either of them.

Chris understood that Joey couldn’t risk being outed, at least not to the general public. And while he wasn’t going to judge, it was also obvious that Joey wasn’t ready to be outed, even to his friends, and because of that, Chris figured the flirting wouldn’t go anywhere.

Even so, he was happy.

He had seen Justin again, and their friendship had rekindled as if nothing had happened. He had finally gotten some closure with Howard, which was a heavy weight lifted from his heart. He had a job he loved, and a chance to make a little more money with his talent. His sisters were ecstatic over everything, and seeing them smile was more than enough for Chris.

He couldn’t complain about anything.

“You wanted to see me, Mr. Putz?” he asked, as he opened the door to the principal’s office.

“Yes, please, Mr. Kirkpatrick. Take a seat.”

Chris did as he was told, trying to ignore the sudden bad feeling that crept upon him. “If this is about the school play, I can assure you, Mr. Putz that Mr. Murgia and I are-”

“No. No Mr. Kirkpatrick, it’s not about that,” Mr. Putz sat on his side of the desk, looking down at his folded hands. “Mr. Kirkpatrick, I will be truthful with you. You are a good teacher, and despite my own misgiving, very well with the students. When the school was put in the spotlight due to your personal choices, I told the board that it shouldn’t matter, as long as the parents’ association accepted you, and there was no imminent danger to the kids.”

“Mr. Putz, I don’t-”

“Mr. Kirkpatrick, please, let me finish,” Mr. Putz interrupted Chris, looking up. “As I said, you have been nothing but an asset to this faculty. However, due to an unfortunate budget cut, I’ve been put in the hard position to let go of our non-tenured teachers. I’m very sorry to say that we won’t be renewing your contract in September.”

“I see.” Chris tried to keep his smile, although it was not easy. Not when he had just been told that he had only a couple of months of a paying job left.

“Mr. Kirkpatrick, Chris. I really hate to give you this news,” Mr. Putz continued, and it was obvious that he was being sincere. Despite all the times they had clashed in the past, Chris knew that the older man was a good man. “We will give you good references, of course. It’s really hard to let you go, and if my hands weren’t tied over the budget, I would love to keep you with us.”

“I know, Mr. Putz,” Chris shook his head, sadly. “But it’s ok. I knew this could happen, and while it is a surprise, I understand.”

“I’m really sorry, Chris. This is not the news I hoped to give you at the end of the year.”

Chris just nodded. This changed all his plans for the future. He had to find a new job in just two months, and that meant he couldn’t’ dedicate any of his time to anything else.

* * *

Joey was tired.

Every single bone in his body ached, and he was sure that if he lay down just for a moment, he would fall asleep. He wouldn’t even need a bed; just a small place on the floor would suffice.

But he was also happy. Things were finally going his way. Sure, Chris hadn’t returned to the house, but he was going to come on Saturday to work with Johnny, which meant that he was going to be near Joey and away from Howie D.

Better yet, Chris had been flirting with him. The man was not adverse to Joey’s advances, no matter what Lance said.

The only one in the group who hadn’t warmed to Chris was JC, which worried Joey a little, because, though Lance was his best friend, JC was his oldest. He didn’t want to keep more secrets from him, and if JC didn’t like Chris, Joey knew that telling JC that he liked Chris wasn’t going to be easy.

He was going to tell JC, and Justin, that he liked men as much, if not more, than he liked women. He had been thinking about it since Howie’s explosion at the Cauldron. If he was going to try to get Chris, he had to be truthful with his friends. They had to know.

No more lies.

Joey figured that the best approach was to talk to them each separately and at a time when they weren’t ready to drop dead due to exhaustion. That only left the week before the tour started, but he was sure he could do it.

Away from MTV cameras, that was.

“What are the plans for tonight?” he asked, looking at himself in the mirror. They had had their costumes fitted the day before, and apparently, he had been losing weight, although he still didn’t see the difference. “Are we staying in, going out, an interview, what?”

“We have sound check tomorrow,” Justin yawned. “And we start the routines on the stage too.”

“The marionette thing, right?” JC nodded. “Whose brilliant idea was that, again?”

“Yours,” Lance smiled as he picked up his ringing phone. “Lance Bass here, what can I do for you? Oh, hi, Molly.”

Everyone in the room fell silent. After Sunday, they had tried everything to make Lance confess just exactly what his relationship with Molly Kirkpatrick was, but their friend had refused to tell them anything. Because Molly hadn’t called again, Joey figured it was nothing really serious, and that Lance had been telling them the truth when he had told Chris that he and Molly were just friends. It wasn’t like Justin, who apparently spent every free minute of his time talking to Britney, or talking about Britney, or talking to Nick Carter, presumably about Britney.

“What? I’m sorry, Molly. That’s really bad.”

Lance wasn’t smiling, and that made Joey worry. It was irrational, he told himself, but he couldn’t help the feeling that something bad had happened at the Kirkpatrick’s house; to Chris.

“But your brother shouldn’t have to worry,” Lance was shaking his head at the cell phone. Whatever it was, it was definitively not good. “I’m pretty sure that as soon as the school year is over, he will- Oh, of course. No. Molly, honey…don’t cry, please. I’ll help you fix this. Talk to your brother. Yes. Ask him… no, tell him that he has to come talk to Johnny. I assure you, neither you nor Kate will have to get another job. Well, now that your brother has signed up with Johnny, once the school year is over, he’ll be able to work all week at the studio and be ready for touring next August, if not sooner. Then he’ll have a full time job here. No. You just have to convince him to come here tomorrow. And sure, you can come too. I’d love to see you. Bye.”

Lance hung up, turning to them. Joey started to say something, but Lance lifted his hand, asking for silence.

“Chris’s contract at Emerson will end this semester,” Lance said. “Apparently, he was thinking about telling Johnny that he couldn’t work on a record while he was looking for a new job as a teacher, and Molly panicked a little. It’s all solved now.”

“Is he all right?” Joey’s question was echoed by Justin, while JC just shook his head, walking away. “It must not be easy to be let go like that.”

“Everything will work out fine, Joey,” Justin, amazingly, was smiling. “Now he can concentrate on his singing, right? It’ll be for the best.”

“Well, Chris loves teaching,” Lance lowered his head, as he did when he was thinking. “So I don’t think he’ll see it as a fair trade. Wade, do you mind if we called it a day?”

“Go.” The choreographer waved towards the door. “We were almost finished anyway.”

Joey was starting to follow Lance, but his friend stopped him with a wave of his hand. “I need to talk to Johnny alone, Joe.”

Joey nodded. He had been following his friend out of instinct, not really knowing what Lance was planning. He wanted to do something though. He wanted to call Chris, and see if he could do anything to help. He realized that Justin was right, without having to worry about school, Chris could spend more time rehearsing, and he could be ready to tour with them fairly quickly. But the price was too high, in Joey’s opinion.

And since he was freaking because it was Chris, then it was obvious that seeing him like that wouldn’t sit well with their manager. Johnny still had minor freak outs every time he appeared on film with a different girl. Joey didn’t think he would appreciate it if Joey started making the news as an equal opportunity player.

“Oh, sure, you go. I’ll just wait here.”

“I have to make a phone call,” Justin said, following Lance out of the room.

Lance didn’t try to stop Justin, leaving JC and Joey alone in the room.

“Well, this was to be expected.” JC said, after a long silence. “Just not this quick, I thought.”

“No one expects to get fired, JC.” Joey sighed, sitting down on the couch. He was torn between wanting to follow Lance, or simply go straight to the Kirkpatrick’s house, to try and fix the problem himself, but the only plan he could think of at the moment was to throw money at it.

“I’m sure he wasn’t counting on having friends giving him a contact to become famous.” JC shook his head, opening a bottle of water. “This might be even better for his plans.”

“You don’t believe that, JC.” Joey shook his head. He had thought that JC had forgotten that particular theory after meeting Chris. “Not everyone is trying to take advantage of us, you know? Some people are just friendly.”

“Maybe,” JC agreed. “And some people are just greedy. Who’s to say this Chris guy isn’t like that?”

Joey didn’t know what to say to JC, so he stayed silent. He knew that his friend had had bad experiences with different girlfriends who had only tried to hook up with him because he was famous. Nothing Joey said on the subject could make him change his mind.

One thing was clear for Joey. This was not the time to tell JC where his interest lay concerning Chris.

* * *

It was early in the morning when Chris, Molly, and Taylor arrived at the house *N Sync was using. Chris had wanted to come alone, but Molly insisted on coming with him, even with only a couple of hours of sleep in her. Since Kate had to work, and Emily had school, they had brought Taylor with them.

Chris had been thinking a lot about what was he going to tell Mr. Wright because no matter how much mental math he did, the result was the same. He needed to get a new job before September, which meant that he wouldn’t be able to concentrate on anything else. Molly, however, had vetoed the idea of rejecting Jive’s contract outright.

“You’ve already put this dream on hold once, Chris,” she had said the night before, during dinner. “Don’t do it again.”

“We’re not that bad off,” Kate insisted, as she half-heartedly picked her salad. “After all, you still have a couple of months, and Molly and I can hold the house for the summer. When this works out, you’ll have no worries about a job. Because it *is* a new job.”

“Kate, we don’t know if this will work,” Chris shook his head. “And if it doesn’t, then when summer ends, we’ll be in trouble.”

“It is going to work, Chris,” Emily shook her head. She hadn’t touched her dinner at all. “All the people who go to the Cauldron love your voice, and so do my friends… And I bet you’ll get a ton of fans. You just have to have faith in yourself.”

In the end, Chris had relented to some of his sisters’ wishes. He wasn’t going to turn down the contract that Johnny had offered him, but he was going to negotiate it as far as he could to see if he could get a new job as a substitute teacher or a private tutor. It wasn’t as secure as being on a school payroll, but it was a position that would allow him some peace of mind, in case the singing didn’t work out.

However, all those worries were shelved in his mind when Johnny welcomed him and his sisters into his office where two women and a man were already waiting.

“Chris, Miss Kirkpatrick, let me introduce you to Theresa Rourke, who is in charge of *N Sync’s public relationships and will take care of you too, Melinda Bell, who handles special projects for Jive, and Adam Ritholz, who works for our legal department.”

“Hi, nice to meet you all,” Chris shook everyone’s hands a little nervously before turning to look at Johnny. He smiled. “I didn’t know I was supposed to bring my lawyer.”

“Actually, Mr. Kirkpatrick,” Mr. Ritholz said, folding his hands on top of the table, “When you sign the contract with Wright Entertainment, I’ll be your lawyer. I’m here to make sure everything is understood before you sign.”

Chris nodded; it made sense that the company had a house lawyer. Then, drawing a long breath, he returned his attention to Johnny. He was aware that Miss Rourke was studying him with her eyes, but he tried not to let that distract him. “I read the contract, Mr. Wright, and I think we can work with that, however, I was informed that I will not be going back to Emerson next semester, and I need to find a new job as a teacher, so I don’t know-“

“We’ve been made aware of the fact,” Mr. Ritholz interrupted, pulling out a file from his suitcase. “We’ve changed the contract’s time parameters to allow you to finish your tenure at Emerson, and then begin work over the summer to allow you to start touring in September.”

“Wait. How did you-?” Chris looked at the table, and then at his sister, who had the decency to look guilty. Chris figured he would have to talk to her later. “Never mind. Molly called Lance, right?”

“I’m sorry, Chris. I was a little worried about you,” Molly said, looking at him. Chris smiled.

“It’s ok. It just took me by surprise.” Chris squeezed Molly’s hands, and turned to look at the others. Theresa was raising her eyebrow now, looking intently at Molly. Right then, Chris decided that the woman was scary. “I don’t know yet what I want to do, Mr. Ritholz. To be perfectly frank, I like teaching. This has been a completely different experience for me and I’m not sure that I can be all that Mr. Wright thinks I’ll be.”

“Understandable,” Johnny smiled amicably. “But don’t worry. I have a lot of faith in your talent, and we at Jive don’t do things half-assed. Just give us a year, and you’ll see it will all work out.”

“These two months of slow publicity will help us to appeal a broad demographic, bigger than the one we get for *N Sync’s,” Miss Bell said, but she was looking at Miss Rourke, not at Chris, as she spoke. “Especially since you’ve been in the news before, Chris. Right, Tess?”

“I just have one question, Mr. Kirkpatrick,” Miss Rourke finally spoke. Her voice was clear and stern, and it reminded Chris a lot of his Introduction to Psychology teacher, the woman that could bring down students to tears with just one word. “Since you’re a practicing homosexual who is out to anyone who cares to do a search in Albany’s newspaper archives, is there any ex-partner that we should know about? Secret scandal? Married men? Underage boys? Closeted celebrities? Are there any scandals that a tabloid could use against you?”

Everyone at the table turned to look at her, shocked. Chris let out a big breath, eyes widened in surprise. “Wow. You sound ruthless,” he said, genuinely impressed. “But no. There’s no one. I have had only four serious partners, and I practice monogamy. I can’t tell you the names of any of them since none are out, but I can assure you that no one was married, on drugs, or underage. If anyone has become famous, I couldn’t tell you about that. There’s an ex of mine who I have a restraining order against. He can’t come close to me since he was very violent, but because he’s not out; I doubt he’ll become an issue.”

“That’s good enough for me. Now we can work on your image.”

* * *

The week and half before the start of the tour was usually the worst time for Joey. They had most of the choreography polished and learned, so rehearsals became tedious. They couldn’t check out the coolest parts of the tour, such as the light shows or the harnesses, so there was no novelty left.

The happy laughter coming from the cafeteria during their break was new, so the exhausted group hurried to the kitchen to find Chris tickling a very happy Taylor while Molly watched, drinking something from a cup.

It was Molly that saw them first, lowering her cup to the table and standing up to greet them.

“Lance, guys, hi!” She smiled, while Chris got up from the floor carrying Taylor.

“Hey! I was wondering when they were going to let you guys out,” Chris looked happy. Far too happy for a man who had just lost his job, and that eased Joey’s worry. Apparently, Lance and Johnny had managed to make Chris see that things were looking up for him.

Whatever the reason, Chris looked happy, and if Chris was happy, Joey was happy. “I told you, they do have to let us out in the sun for a couple of hours or we’ll wilt and die.”

“What are you guys doing here?” JC asked casually, although Joey wasn’t sure his tone was at all friendly.

“Daddy Chris is going to work here now,” Taylor answered, smiling at the group. “Because they didn’t want him in the school no more.”

“I’m sorry Chris,” Justin began, looking really ashamed. “Lance told us what happened.”

“It’s all right, Justin,” Chris shook his head. “I’m not happy about leaving the school, but there are always new places to explore. If anything, I’ve learned that you have to take the paths that life puts in front of you. I’m just glad I have something to do when school’s out.”

“Yeah, but still.”

“And don’t think Johnny didn’t tell me that you asked him to go to the Cauldron that night,” Chris kept going and Joey smiled at that, even as he watched JC frowning. He figured he would have to talk to him again about Chris and how Chris wasn’t trying to take advantage of Justin. “So really, I have to thank you because if Johnny hadn’t offered me a contract, and this happened, me, the girls and I, would have been in a tight spot. So, thanks.”

Chris hugged Justin, who smiled. “I kinda thought you would be mad at me for that.”

“He was,” Molly laughed. “But he got over it when I told him he was being stupid.”

“Well, I’m glad everything isn’t falling apart.” Joey shook his head, laughing with Molly. Seeing Chris happy was enough to make him feel better. He grabbed an apple from the fruit bowl and sat next to Chris on the kitchen table. “This means we’ll be seeing you all around here more often?”

“I’ll be coming every weekend and Monday, Wednesday and Friday afternoons to start working with Johnny on song lists and image doctoring and a lot of other stuff I really don’t understand right now,” Chris leaned on the table, stretching his neck. “But Molly and Taylor won’t be coming with me every day. My sister needs her sleep, no matter what she says, and Tay has to go back to Kindergarten. She got today free because we weren’t sure how long everything would take.”

“What about the school?” Lance asked, as he handed Justin a can of soda from the refrigerator. “Are you going to keep teaching?”

“Yes, I will, until the end of the semester. Theresa says that as long as I don’t have an affair with a student, I can do whatever I want with my life until the end of the semester. She also asked me not to talk to anyone about this, but I’m used to being discrete, so it’s not a big change.”

“Are you going to record here?” JC asked, not sounding very interested. “I wasn’t aware they had any good studios in Albany.”

“Johnny wants me to go to Orlando for a couple of weekends, but we’re still negotiating that,” Chris smiled warmly. “Since half the songs I sing are covers, I think we’ll have time before talking about recording sessions.”

Joey smiled too. Things were working out. Despite the fact that life seemed determined to throw curveballs at them, Chris was happy.

Now, he just had to hope that they would have more time to become friends.

* * *

No one could say that Howie D. wasn’t a patient man.

He knew that sometimes, to get what you wanted, you had to be willing to wait. And even though that night at Chris’s house his biggest desire had been to stay there and try and convince Chris to accept him back into his life, he knew it wasn’t the right time.

He had waited, not calling Chris for the whole week even when he wanted to. First, he hadn’t wanted to rush his ex-lover, and second, because he thought it would be in bad taste to call him from the Bahamas. He didn’t want to flaunt his good fortune in front of Chris, not after the things he had told him. There was also the nagging voice in the back of his mind -that sounded a lot like Nick- that reminded him that every single time he called Chris, he managed to fuck things up. There was always a misunderstanding, and he was not going to risk it this time. _When_ he called Chris was going to be to have him to agree to a date. Nothing more. He was going to plan the call carefully, and not let anything ruin his chances.

But that didn’t mean he hadn’t purchased a few gifts for Chris and his sisters. He prided himself of being good at picking gifts, and in his free time, he had managed to get something for each member of the Kirkpatrick family. It wasn’t that he wanted to buy Chris’ sisters. It was more that he wanted to give them a little something for all the trouble he had caused them in the past.

And maybe, and he only admitted this to himself, to buy himself a little running time before the girls decided to go for his throat.

Howie also spent a long time planning what he was going to do once he was back on the same continent as Chris. The Backstreet Boys had a very tight schedule now, and getting the new record out was their first priority, but Howie was confident he could set a day aside for Chris.

Candle light dinner. He still remembered almost all of Chris’s favorites, and was confident enough to think he’d be able to make them. Chris would love it, he was sure.

There was only one little problem that he could foresee, and that was that Nick was not going to cooperate.

Howie wasn’t ready to call Chris yet, but his only source of information about what was going on with Chris in Albany was Nick. As Justin’s friend, Howie was sure Nick knew what was going on.

Nick, however, didn’t want to share the information with Howie.

And Howie knew there had to be some news, because right before they had left the states, Justin had called Nick and Nick had practically run out of the room to get the call. Howie had overheard part of the conversation, completely by accident of course, and had heard Chris’s name mentioned a couple of times.

Unfortunately, AJ had come looking for him, so Howie had missed the end of the conversation and Nick was stonewalling him.

It only made Howie wish that time went faster, so they could be back in the States and he could finally see Chris again.

* * *

Justin was tired, nervous and more than a little excited. The deadline for the tour to start was getting closer, and while he was very confident that they were ready, he still hadn’t been able to think of a plan to get Chris in the group.

He had managed to convince Johnny that Chris should open for the*N Sync concerts when he was ready to start promoting his own material. Lance and Joey had supported him fully, and even JC had agreed, even though it was obvious to everyone that JC wasn’t happy with the situation.

When his cell phone rang, he answered it without looking at the number.

“Yo.”

“Hey. We’re back.” Nick didn’t sound as tired as Justin felt, and for a moment, Justin hated his friend. Of course Nick wasn’t tired; he had been ‘working’ for a week in the Bahamas, not working to get a tour ready.

“All right,” Justin said, not without a bit of humor. “How did everything go?”

“Perfect. How’s the great plan going? And what happened with the school, anyway? You didn’t gave me more details than ‘Chris lost his job’ in your voice message.”

“Not real well,” Justin sighed. “I mean, Chris’ thing is going terrific, according to Lance. Johnny is starting to talk about moving him to Orlando to record a couple of singles, and he wants everything ready for the summer. And, well, I don’t know much about the school. Chris doesn’t talk much about it, but Molly says it’s all right. He’ll just end the semester, and that’s it.”

“Wait, who’s Molly?”

“Chris’s sister? The one who’s always talking to Lance? I told you about her, I’m sure. Anyway, she says Chris is fine, and he’s not looking depressed or anything, but I’m not sure.”

“Well, the guy is going to lose his job. Even if he’s starting to get his dream come true, that can’t be a party.”

“It could be worse, I guess. At least his exes aren’t coming back to his house.”

“Well, yeah… about that…” Nick suddenly sounded worried. “Has Chris talked to you about Howie?”

“No. Why?”

“Just… Well… Remember when you called me to tell me about Chris’s contract?”

“Yeah, you already knew.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“Yes, you did! You told me Kevin and Howie told you!”

“No. You assumed I said that, because I was talking about a completely different catastrophe.”

“What happened?”

“Chris forgave Howie, and Howie thinks he can get a second chance.”

“No way. He’s not getting near Chris again.”

“Justin, it’s not as if you can tell Chris who to date.”

“But… Howie? Nick, I know he’s your friend but still…”

“Hey, I’m not saying I think it’s a good idea, either. I just thought I would warn you.”

“Bah, don’t worry. I don’t think Howie is going to get a chance, anyway.”

“Why not?”

“Well, Chris might have bad taste, but he isn’t stupid, and he’s not going to be in Albany for long so…”

“And how does Chris feel about the move?”

“He’s not really moving. It’s just for a couple of weekend, and he still doesn’t know. I just found out because Lance was telling Joey about it. I think he overheard Theresa or something.”

“Have you told the guys about your plan? Maybe Lance could help you…”

“I don’t know about Lance, he seems pretty much sold on Chris having a solo career, because Molly thinks it’s a good idea. You heard it here first, those two are dating. Chris is going to kill Lance.”

“They’re officially dating, un-officially dating like you and Britney, or you just think they’re dating?”

“Well, they haven’t said anything about it, but the only one who spends more time with Chris’s family is Joey. He might have lost his chance with Molly, but maybe Joey is into Kate. And some day, Joey is going to be the father of the world’s most spoiled child ever. Taylor loves him.”

“Joey is not going to be a father. Theresa would kill him first.”

“You just say that because when Joey invites us to the baptism of his first child, you will owe me a hundred dollars.”

“Keep dreaming, J. I’m going to win that bet, and you know it. Hey, did you finish with that video you were talking about last week?”

The conversation turned away from Chris and the plan, but Justin didn’t mind. Now he had a new idea, and he could ask Joey for help. Joey might not like the idea of having a fifth member of *N Sync, but at least wouldn’t be completely against it like Johnny or JC. Nick was right; he needed more help inside the group.

He made the mental note to talk to Joey as soon as they had a moment alone.

* * *

“Kirkpatrick house, Chris here.”

“Hi, Chris,” Howie smiled as he spoke. With the new record finished, they were back in the states and finally, he had time to call Chris. “How’s everything going?”

“Howard,” Chris’s tone wasn’t the warm welcome Howie wanted, but it was a lot better than the frozen answer he had gotten the last time they had talked on the phone. “This is a surprise. What did I do to deserve this honor?”

“I told you I was going to try to make amends,” Howie sighed over the phone, but didn’t despair. He was going to show Chris he really meant it. “Did I call you at a bad time?”

“Not really. Actually, you just saved me from Kate and Molly.”

“Why? What did you do to them, now?”

“Nothing. Things have been a little strange around here. Long story short, by the end of the summer I might be recording an album, and the girls are not letting me back out from that deal…”

“Wait. What?” Howie couldn’t keep the surprise from his voice, but as soon as he said it, he realized that it could be misunderstood. “I mean, it’s great news that you’re recording, since it’s your lifelong dream and all, but I thought you were a teacher. What happened?”

“As I said, long story. Basically, I won’t be getting a tenured position at Emerson, and the opportunity presented itself.”

“I understand,” Howie didn’t, really, but he planned on drilling Nick until he told him what had happened. He was sure his band mate had to know what had happened. “But, the record deal? You can talk about that, can’t you?”

“A little, yeah. Besides, if I understood what Lance tried to explain to me, you’ll be getting a memo about it soon,” Chris’s voice sounded nervous, but even so Howie couldn’t miss that slight hint of pride. He knew it well, Chris usually sounded like that when things were going right, when he passed tests that he was sure he had flunked, or when he got a job he was not sure he wouldn’t. “Johnny Wright went to the Cauldron, and liked what he heard. I still think I’m going to wake up soon, lying in my bed and realize it’s all some dream.”

“Does this dream of yours include that we met again? Because if it does, I’m flattered,” Howie said, smiling.

“Howard…”

“No. I’m sorry, I just…” Howie interrupted, not wanting Chris to tell him to stop. “I’m not good at this. Look… I think we’re going to get a week off or so in May, and I was wondering if you would mind if I visited you up there during a weekend?”

“Sorry, Howard… but that would be impossible.”

Howie closed his eyes, defeated. “Oh, I… see… Well then…”

“However, I think I’m going to need someone who reminds me how to find my way in Orlando,” Chris continued, interrupting him. “That’s why my sisters were drilling me. Johnny wants me to record down there and they were making sure I was not going to say no. I’ll be there for a week, since the school owed me a couple of sick days.”

“I know my way around,” Howie smiled. It was a foot in the door. He could work with that. “So, can you call me when you get there?”

“Sure, I will. If you give me a number to call you,” Chris joked, and suddenly, every thing was all right in Howie’s world.

* * *

Joey was reading when Lance came into his room. His friend looked satisfied, which lately meant good news for Joey.

“That was Molly on the phone?” Joey asked, keeping his teasing to a minimum. He, JC and Justin had a little bet regarding Lance and Chris’s sister, and even when none of them had told Lance about it, he was pretty sure his friend knew. But since Lance had been so supportive with him, helping him find and meet Chris, Joey tried not to tease as much as JC or Justin did.

“I know what you’re thinking, and no, you’re wrong,” Lance said, but he was still smiling. “But yes, it was Molly. Chris finally caved in. He’s going to Orlando for a week.”

“Johnny wasn’t giving many options about it.” Joey said, sitting up. Lance entered the room and took a seat on a nearby chair. “Where is he going to stay?”

“They’re thinking about a hotel, but I had a better idea. I promised Molly I was going to ask you before she said something to Chris.”

“The house?” Joey smiled. The guys had been teasing him about that house since he mentioned that he was planning on building one. And sure, it had taken a lot of time, and it had been the catalyst for their separation from Transcon, but it was finally ready.

Just when he had no time to actually live there.

“Yes, ‘the house’. Unless, of course, you don’t want Chris as a house guest.”

“You should give me more credit, Lance. Actually, I was thinking about it too,” Joey said, truthfully. He’d had no idea about how to make the offer without sounding too forthcoming, but since Chris had mentioned that they wanted him to go to Orlando just after the reporter had left, he had thought that his house could be used. Deep down, it was his own way of keeping some connection to Chris, especially because he knew that as soon as the tour started, he wasn’t going to be able to spend time with him.

Not that he had been able to spend a lot of time with him during the past week because rehearsals had taken all of his time. When he had been able to go to Chris’s house –not the Little Cabaret or the Cauldron, because Theresa had politely asked Chris to reduce his night activities until they started promoting him- Chris’s sisters were there. And while Joey had to admit that Taylor had him completely wrapped around her little finger, he still would have liked to have another couple of hours alone with Chris again.

But he didn’t lose hope. When Chris was ready to perform for a big audience, he was going to join them on the tour. Which meant that he could hang around with the group pretty much all day before the concerts and between dates. It wasn’t going to be such a long wait. Besides, Joey was pretty sure they had an early date or two in Orlando, which meant that if Chris was living there, Joey could show him around.

He had time. He was sure of it.


	14. Complicated

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time passes.

Orlando, Florida. May 2000.

Chris let himself into Joey’s house with an exhausted sigh.

He had been in Orlando for a week, and he was still feeling completely out of his depth. While he could take a group of 30 teenagers intent on not listening to him, the exasperated looks of some of the sound technicians were getting tiresome.

There was also the not so small fact that this was the longest he had been away from his sisters since their mother had died. He called them every day, feeling incredibly guilty about the phone bill, even though Joey had been quite clear that he shouldn’t worry about the bills because he had to call his sisters and let them know how he was doing.

“Joey, long distance is expensive. I can’t…” Chris had tried to argue, even though he appreciated the offer. Still, he was starting to feel too indebted to the whole group. He knew they weren’t offering him help out of pity. He knew Justin had really very little to do with his good fortune because the kid had only pointed Johnny to the Cauldron, and for that he couldn’t feel angry with them. But that didn’t change the fact that they were doing too much for him.

“You will pay me later,” Joey dismissed. “Look, I’m not going to presume to know everything about you, but I think I know you well enough to know that if you speak to your sisters just once a week, you’ll be miserable. The solution is easy: call them. If you don’t… well, we’ll just have to kick your ass.”

“And how are you going to know I didn’t call them? You guys go on the road just as I leave,” Chris had joked, but Joey had simply lifted his eyebrow and pointed to the other end of the table where Lance was reading something on his computer.

“My band mate is dating your sister,” Joey pointed out at the same time that Lance sighed.

“I am not dating Molly, Joey,” he said, not even looking at them. “And, for the record, I think you should call them, Chris, if not every day, at least more often than once a week.”

Chris didn’t doubt Lance, not because Lance insisted they weren’t dating, but because Molly had told him and he trusted his sister. Even so, Chris knew that if he didn’t call home, Molly would call Lance, and Lance would tell Joey.

He was sure that his sister had a lot to do with the way things had developed in the past weeks.

“Fine. But I’ll time my calls, and I’ll pay you every penny when I get the money, all right?”

Joey had smiled at him then, and Chris couldn’t stop himself from smiling back.

Every couple of days or so, Justin, Lance or Joey called him. More often than not, the caller was Justin, but Chris had to be truthful and admit that he looked forward to Joey’s calls the most.

Going into the guestroom that was functioning as his room, he gave a cursory glance to the wall calendar he had brought to keep track of the dates. He doubted that any of the guys would call him that day, given that it was the day their tour started.

He still hadn’t called Howard, and he wasn’t sure how to make that call; before coming to Orlando, he had finally cornered Emily and asked exactly what was the story behind *N Sync and the Backstreet Boys. Emily had protested at first, assuring him that it was probably just media exaggeration and that the girls at the mailing list didn’t have any idea what they were talking about, but finally she had told him everything she knew. Added to what little Lance had told him when they had met, Chris had come to the conclusion that the two groups weren’t on good terms with each other, and that probably Joey wouldn’t appreciate Chris calling Howard from his house, or giving Howard his phone number.

Still, he had promised he would call him.

Chris sat on the bed, closing his eyes. Next day, when he was at the studio, he would call Howard from a payphone. He couldn’t keep postponing that call.

* * *

Memphis, Tennessee. May 2000.

The concert had been a huge success. The audience had loved it, nothing had gone wrong, and the month of rehearsals had been completely worth it.

Joey was sweating like a pig, his muscles still felt as if they were reverberating to the chorus of Bye Bye Bye, and he felt as if he had been running uphill for three hours, but he was happy.

He was completely ready for the next night.

He was also aware that somewhere between one in the morning and noon, he was going to finally feel tired, so he figured it was better just to go back to the hotel and sleep.

After a long shower.

He had barely taken off his shirt when JC came into the room they shared for the night.

“Aren’t you going to call Chris? I thought it was your turn.”

Joey shook his head. While JC had warmed to Chris in the few days before leaving Albany, up to the point of selling Johnny one of his songs for Chris to record, he still had his doubts about the man and his friendship with the group.

JC had been the only one, besides Chris, to speak up against the idea of Chris staying at Joey’s house. But after a long discussion that the band had after Chris had accepted and gone back to his own home, he had admitted that his only problem with Chris staying at Joey’s was that Joey barely knew Chris.

After that, he hadn’t even mentioned the constant calls until that night.

“We don’t take turns, JC,” Joey answered, calmly.

“Could’ve fooled me. It almost seems as if you all are keeping track of him.” That made Joey pause. There he had it, the perfect opportunity to tell JC about his feelings for Chris. But before he could say anything, JC kept going. “Of course, I know that’s not true because then it would mean that you guys trust him less than I do.”

“What do you mean? I… we trust Chris! It’s just that he’s alone in a new city and…”

“And he’s 28. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t need any of you checking on him every other night,” JC pointed out. “Besides, doesn’t he have friends in Orlando? I’m pretty sure that Justin mentioned it a couple of times.”

“We’re his friends too,” Joey muttered, aware that JC was putting him on the defensive but not sure of why. “What’s the matter with that?”

“I don’t know… For starters, he is not *N Sync’s long lost fifth member.”

Joey frowned. This time he was almost sure of where JC had made the mental leap from ‘you are calling him every day’ to ‘you treat him as if he were one of us’. It wasn’t that big a leap, especially for JC who could start a phrase talking about the color of the sky and end it remembering that he hadn’t hung up his cell phone.

“What are you talking about?”

“Chris is going to open for us,” JC answered, as if that explained everything. “Then he’s going to go on with his career. I’m just saying.”

Joey shook his head. He thought he understood where JC was going, but with JC it was hard to know.

“You’re still convinced he’s in this just for the fame and money?” Joey finally asked. He knew that was one of JC’s main problems with half the people in the industry.

“No, but…” JC closed his eyes, and Joey wished, not for the first time, that he could just read his friend’s mind. “I’m pretty sure he’s not into this for the reasons Justin thinks he is.”

Joey didn’t know what to answer to that, so he simply shrugged and entered the bathroom. However, one thing weighed on his mind after his talk with JC; did Chris think they were monitoring him?

Joey hoped that it wasn’t the case. Because the last thing he wanted was for Chris to believe that he was some sort of control-freak, like his last ex. He trusted Chris, and he wanted Chris to know that.

Now, how could he manage to let him know that without calling Chris every day?

* * *

Orlando, Florida. May 2000.

“Nice house,” Chris said, entering when Howie opened the door. “Your family lives here, too?”

“No.” Howie was smiling. When Chris called, he had been on the verge of losing hope. While he didn’t think that Chris was the type to say he would call just not bother to call, Howie had done enough soul searching to accept that if Chris did that, it was because Howie deserved it. “It’s mostly me and the cleaning lady every Thursday.”

“It’s big.” Chris was now in the living room, which made Howie feel nervous. He didn’t think the big house was more extravagant than, say, Nick’s or Kevin’s, but it was bigger than Chris’ own.

“Well, yeah. It was a good idea at the time…” Howie trailed off. He had to calm down, and keep to his original plan. He couldn’t erase all the things he had said to Chris in anger, and he wasn’t sure how to make up for it.

In fact, it was a little more awkward than what he had originally hoped for.

“I really wouldn’t know what to do with this many rooms…” Chris joked, sitting down on the couch. “Although, I’m pretty sure you can have great parties.”

“I’m sorry about your mom.” Howie bit his tongue the moment the words left his mouth. He had been thinking about what he could say to make a better conversation, something that didn’t include their break-up, his job, Chris losing his job, or his new record, and that had been the first thing to come up. Of course, it had also been the last thing Howie wanted to say. “I mean… I’m not…”

Chris surprised him with a small smile. “It’s ok, Howard. I understand. We do have a lot to catch up with, don’t we?”

“God, yes.” Howie shook his head. “I don’t know where to start.”

“That makes two of us.” Chris smiled again. “So… uh… what are you doing these days?”

“The guys and I finished our new album, and we’re taking a month or so before releasing it. Kevin is getting married next month, and I have the foundation concert coming so…”

“The Lupus Foundation?” Chris asked, surprising Howie. He had thought that his ex was not interested at all in what had happened with his life. Reading his surprise, Chris continued. “Emily told me. For what it’s worth, I’m sorry about Caroline.”

Howie didn’t know how to answer that, so he just nodded. Things were not going at all as he had planned. True, his plan had more or less counted on all the things he had in common with Chris to still be there, so he could court Chris, remind him of all the good times they had had together and ease Chris into the idea that they could work as a couple again.

Of course he hadn’t counted on the fact that all the things they had in common could also separate them.

He was going to say something, anything to change the course of the conversation to something less morbid, when he noticed that Chris was looking at a picture hanging on the wall. It was a nice landscape of a beach in Cancun, that Howie had bought during his first year of college.

“You still have it,” Chris said. “Have you gone down there?”

“A couple of times.” Howie smiled at the memories. “It’s not as empty and clean as in the picture, but it’s a beautiful place. You should go.”

“I think it’s going to be a while before I can afford to take the girls there, but yeah. I would like that.”

“You never know.” Howie fought the impulse to sit down next to Chris, and instead rose to his feet. “Say, do you want something to drink?”

“Surprise me,” Chris chuckled. “Seriously, I don’t know. All this is happening too fast for my tastes.”

“Well, the business is like that,” Howie said, returning from the kitchen with two glasses and a bottle of soda. “The guys and I? We had barely been together for a month before our first concert, and since you already have some experience performing…”

“It’s not the same thing, Howard. My shows were at one venue, and that’s it. I…”

“I would trust Johnny, Chris.” Howie smiled. “You’ll see. Next year, you’ll be saying how right I was.”

“You, and Lance, Justin and Joey. They tell me a lot that I’m exacerbating my nerves,” Chris said quickly, before looking up a little alarmed.

“Hey, it’s ok if they’re your friends,” Howie said, truthfully. “We really don’t hate each other that much.”

“In my defense, I’m still learning the politics of this. Emily made it sound as if you would tear each another’s eyes out if you were together in a room for more than two minutes.” Chris accepted the glass and took a drink. “Maybe less.”

“We managed to hear your whole show without killing each other,” Howie pointed out, before kicking himself mentally. Reminding Chris of that night was not a good way to make him give Howie a second chance.

Chris looked down, obviously uncomfortable with the reminder. After a few moments of silence, Howie decided to try again.

“Why aren’t you staying at Dave’s? I had the impression that he and his wife would love to have you there?”

“Mostly convenience,” Chris answered. “Besides, I didn’t want to impose. Johnny said this was going to be for a week only, and that’s all the time off I asked for, but there’s a chance I may have to come back for a weekend or so. Joey offered his house, and Molly accepted before I could say no.”

“I see that your sisters still command your life,” Howie laughed. “How did Emily did take the fact that you hadn’t ever mentioned that you were friends with the second biggest band in the world?”

“Let’s just say that I’ll be her slave until the end of days,” Chris said seriously, but Howie could see in his eyes that he was trying not to laugh. “And don’t ever say that in front of her. She maintains that the Backstreet Boys aren’t that good, although it’s mostly because she hates you.”

“I figured,” Howie said, not without regret. “Molly and Kate must not be happy with me either.”

“No, not really.” Chris didn’t try to make his statement softer, for which Howie was grateful. “But, in time, they’ll see that all that is over and done with. At best, I’ll have to refrain from telling them that their boyfriends are idiots for the next two decades or so.”

“I don’t suppose buying their forgiveness will work?” Howie tried desperately not to sound too lame. “Because I might have bought a couple of things for them when we were recording.”

“You ‘might’ have or you ‘did’ buy?” Chris shook his head. “Howie, I remember the day you went out and bought two pounds of apples for Dave’s girlfriend because you thought she was mad at you because you said her hair looked like a sea gull’s nest. Now that you have money, I’m afraid to even ask what you got for my sisters. I’ll tell you right now, Taylor wants a pony but no, she can’t have one.”

“You’re not still angry about the things I said?” Howie let out a relieved sigh. His main worry during his shopping trips had been that Chris would feel insulted. But apparently, Chris remembered his habits enough not to get angry. “Because I didn’t save the receipts.”

“Howard, we were together for two years. I saw you do everything but bake cookies when you felt guilty of something.” Chris was smiling. It was an expression that bothered Howie a little since it was the ‘you’re my friend and you’re a bit quirky but I still think you’re cool’ smile, and not the ‘I love you no matter how weird you are’ smile. He knew he was putting his hopes too high, but he couldn’t escape the hurt in his chest. “You might not have been a fan of apologizing, but your wallet sure suffered whenever someone got mad at you for no reason. I figured that when you got more money, that wouldn’t change. So, it’s ok. You have my permission to try to buy my sisters’ forgiveness.”

“What about yours?” Howie asked, fearing the answer.

“You don’t need to,” Chris said, looking straight into his eyes. “It’s all forgiven.”

Howie had to use all his willpower not to kiss Chris in that instant. To do so would ruin all his efforts so far. Still he had a foot in the door, and he wasn’t going to give up now.

They talked for a while about nothing really important, and Howie could feel a little of the awkwardness dissipating. Until, somehow, the conversation turned to the risks of fame, the rumors about everyone in the industry, and how sometimes, they turned out to be right, and Chris asked *the* question.

“Is there anyone in your life right now?”

It was an innocent question, and in a normal situation Howie could have answered ‘no’ and leave it at that. However, thanks to Nick, it wasn’t that simple. “Depends on who you ask.”

“What do you mean? You’re not doing the ‘I’m not really dating’ thing again, are you?” Chris frowned, and Howie hurried to shake his head.

“No, no. I’m single. But with all that happened… Nick was a little too talkative in one of our interviews and apparently, I’m dating a girl named Christina.”

Chris blinked at the news, and Howie could almost see how the wheels were turning in his mind. Then, surprisingly, he started laughing.

“Well, I have to give it to Nick,” Chris said, when he got his laughter under control. “His sense of irony is interesting.”

“Yeah, but now PR wants me to either show up somewhere with Christina, or tell the press I broke up with her, and they want me to do it as soon as possible, and preferably before Kevin’s wedding.” Howie looked at his hands before looking at Chris. “You’re not mad?”

“No. For once, it wasn’t *your* fault,” Chris sighed, throwing his head back. “Besides, well, it’s in the past. We’re trying to be friends here, aren’t we?”

“Yes,” Howie lied, drinking to keep his voice neutral. “What about you? Are you looking again, now that you’re single?”

“Not really,” Chris answered, a little too fast for Howie’s tastes. “I don’t really have time anymore.”

“Well, yeah. That’s one of the drawbacks of all this.” Howie answered, but he couldn’t help the feeling that Chris was lying to him.

* * *

Orlando, Florida. Late May.

“What do you think, Chris? Did you like the concert?” Justin was the first one to ask, his towel hung around his neck. Lance was behind him, emptying a bottle of water, and followed by Joey and JC who were cleaning the sweat off their faces with their own towels.

They were dressed in shiny, silvery-blue outfits that had looked pretty cool on stage. Up close, Chris could see that they had see-through parts, and he had to make a conscious effort not to stare at Joey’s arms.

“It was amazing, J. I can’t believe you got everything ready in just a month.” Chris said, smiling. “You guys blew my mind.”

“Hopefully not too much, or your sisters will kill us,” Lance joked, stretching his arms. “It’s a pity they couldn’t come.”

Behind Lance, Chris could see Joey and Justin shaking their heads. Even JC was smiling. Chris couldn’t avoid chuckling. Even when he wasn’t sure of how it had happened, he had to admit that if Lance wanted to date his sister, it wouldn’t the end of the world. There were worse suitors. Chris had dated a couple of guys much worse than Lance.

“They would have loved the concert, Emily already made me promise her that I would describe everything to her perfectly.”

“Well, by the time we get to New York, you’ll probably be sick to death of it.” While Justin spoke, they walked towards the green room, where they would wait until group security called them back to the buses. Chris wasn’t sure if he was supposed to accompany them to their hotel or leave and go back to Joey’s house, but he wasn’t about to ask.

He was enjoying himself too much to think about leaving.

“How’s Florida treating you?” Joey asked, while they sat. “Is it just like you remember it?”

“It feels hotter.” Chris laughed. “But I’ve spent most of the week in the studio.”

“They started on the image consultation, right?” Lance asked, lifting an eyebrow. Chris looked down to his jeans and faded t-shirt, puzzled.

“Yeah, yesterday,” he admitted, frowning. “And this time I really want to know; how did you know that?”

“You have purple highlights in your hair,” Lance pointed out, obviously amused. “One of the first things they did to me was bleach my hair.”

“Ouch,” Chris winced in sympathy. “They had to bleach parts of my hair to do this. They say it’s going to look great in the pictures, but I’m still not sure I like it.”

“Well, it does look a bit weird, but not bad.” Joey smiled. “You’ll get used to it soon.”

“Don’t listen to Joey,” JC said from his seat. “He’s the one whose head looks like a stop light because he thought it was ‘cool’.”

“It is cool,” Joey and Chris said at the same time, before looking at each other and laughing.

“I’m going to get something to drink,” Joey said, getting up. “Does anyone want anything?”

Everyone asked for water, and Chris watched, discreetly, as Joey walked away. He was still amazed at the passion Joey put into the performance, the way he seemed completely focused on the stage. Thinking about that, he almost missed Lance’s question.

“When are you going to start touring?”

“I’m not really sure.” Chris turned his attention away from Joey. Thinking about him at the moment was not going to lead anywhere good. “Tomorrow I have to go to the label’s offices. They mentioned something about the first batch of promotional photos. Beyond that, no one has told me anything. I don’t even know with whom I’m going to tour once school is over. I don’t even know what I’m supposed to say at school next Monday.”

“You’re touring with us, of course,” Justin answered, earning a glare from JC. Chris didn’t fool himself. He knew that he wasn’t JC’s favorite person. “Johnny is going use all the times I mentioned you as promotion.”

Worried that maybe Joey would need help with the water bottles, Chris stood up and started walking in the same direction that Joey had gone, still talking to Justin.

“I still think you gave me too much credit, J,” he said, truthfully. As he was looking at Justin, he didn’t see Joey coming towards him, and they bumped into each other.

“Sorry, I didn’t-” Chris trailed off as a strong sense of deja vú hit him, seeing Joey’s hair plastered with sweat against his forehead.

“No, I’m sorry. I just-” Joey started saying, but he also trailed off, with a very confused expression on his face.

“Kirkpatrick!” Before any of them said anything, Theresa came into the room. She didn’t look particularly angry, although, in the weeks he had known her, Chris had come to the conclusion that she had very few moods: Stressed, Angry, and Mad as Hell. It was easy to get intimidated by her. “Thank God you’re still here.”

“I didn’t do anything that could be construed as a catastrophe, Tess,” Chris defended himself, with a smile as he took two of the bottles Joey was carrying.

“I know, it’s not your fault, this time,” the woman dismissed him with a wave of her hand. “Lonnie informed me that there are still a few fans outside waiting for the group to leave. While Fatone’s house is in a locked community, Johnny told me he would feel better if you go with them to their hotel first. Since we’re still finishing the details on the press release, I would be very grateful if you stay out of view for the time being.”

“Sure, I’ll do that,” Chris said, distracted.

They waited for another ten minutes before leaving, and all the time Chris could feel Joey’s gaze on him. It made it difficult to follow the conversation, but he managed to do so until they arrived at the hotel.

Somehow, after dinner, while everyone else was checking the schedule for the next day, and the room arrangements, he ended up alone in one of the rooms with Joey.

It was the first time they had been truly alone since that day at the Albany house where *N Sync had been rehearsing.

“You worked at Universal, right?” Joey asked suddenly, smiling. “Back when you were living here?”

“Yeah, with the Hi-tones,” saying that, Chris finally remembered where he had seen Joey before it all happened. “You too! You were a werewolf at the Graveyard, right?”

“I knew I had seen you somewhere before!” Joey laughed, sitting next to him. “That night I spent hours trying to remember where!”

“Me too,” Chris admitted, relieved. It was the closest they had come to talking about that night, since Justin had interrupted them a month ago. They looked at each other, and started laughing again. When Chris calmed down enough, he smiled at Joey again. “I wish I had remembered it before.”

“Same here. Then I wouldn’t have spent those hours trying to figure out how to talk to you.”

“I don’t believe you.” Chris shook his head. “My sisters, everyone I’ve talked with seems to have this image of you as a great Casanova. I refuse to believe you would have trouble thinking about an opening line.”

“You obviously haven’t asked Lance.” Joey sat down next to Chris and looked at him with a very intent expression.

“I’m afraid to ask Lance about a lot of things.” Chris laughed softly. “I still can’t believe he’s like that all the time.”

“And you still haven’t seen him get really creepy. I almost had a heart attack when he told us he had been to your house.” There was something in Joey’s tone that made Chris look up, sharply. Joey wasn’t looking at him. He had his attention focused on his hands. “He’s the only one who knows how much I wanted to meet you.”

“Joe-” Chris began, and then Joey looked up at him. His eyes looked dark, big and vulnerable under the room’s light.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know why I told you that. Let’s just forget the last few minutes of the conversation, right?”

“Right,” Chris agreed, but didn’t move away from his place next to Joey. He couldn’t deny that he thought Joey was hot. He wasn’t going to deny that the knowledge that Joey had been thinking about him along, apparently, the same lines, made his heart beat a little bit faster. But he also knew that getting involved with Joey was not a good idea.

It was a bad idea because in the month that he had been in Orlando, he had learned that PR people were a lot more than just someone who would call magazines for interviews, that they could control everyone’s lives in the defense of their careers. It was an even worse idea, because it would mean that Joey would be nothing more than the latest in the line of closeted men who couldn’t risk themselves with Chris’s open attitude.

They sat still for what, to Chris, seemed to be a long time. He was calling himself an idiot for letting that awkwardness fall between them, because he was sure Joey hadn’t intended for that to happen. Sighing, he turned to see his friends, to apologize for what had happened, just in time to see Joey licking his lip.

It wasn’t an innocent expression, Chris thought. Or maybe it was, and Joey didn’t realize how hot he looked when he did that. Their half conversation was enough to let Chris know that Joey didn’t find him repulsive.

Perhaps he was aware that he was trying to rationalize his actions, but deep down, Chris didn’t care.

Before he could talk himself out of it, he leaned forward and kissed Joey on the lips.

To his surprise, Joey didn’t pull away. In fact, Joey leaned into the kiss, and his lips opened under Chris’ caress.

It was a soft, sweet kiss. Chris was barely lifting his hand towards Joey’s neck, to deepen the kiss, to feel Joey’s mouth and tongue, when the noise of the doorknob rattling interrupted them.

They barely had time to put some distance between them before JC opened the door and let himself in.

“Hey guys. If you don’t mind, I’m going to crash now.” He barely waved to them before grabbing his bag and going into the room’s bathroom.

“I better go,” Chris began to say, when he noticed Joey’s broken expression. “But… maybe we could… talk later?”

“Yeah,” Joey smiled, looking relieved. “I’d like that.”

* * *

“I think I still have a chance, AJ.” Howie said, putting his glass on the table. “I just have to figure out who my rival is.”

Even though the Backstreet Boys were on a semi-vacation to let Kevin prepare for his wedding, AJ and Howie still spent time together. Occasionally Nick joined them, but most nights, they went out alone.

This particular night found them at AJ’s house. Originally, AJ had proposed that they go out, but since Howie wasn’t in the mood for clubbing, they decided to stay in.

When AJ asked about what he planned to do with the free time, Howie found himself talking about Chris.

“What makes you believe you have a rival?” AJ asked, refreshing his drink. “He told you he wasn’t looking, didn’t he?”

“I know Chris, AJ.” Howie shook his head. “He gets this… look in his eyes when he likes someone. So, yeah, I think there’s someone. I just have to find out who it is.”

“Nick said that Chris broke up with his last lover,” AJ volunteered, bringing the bottle to the living room. “Or something. You might be imagining things. I mean… it’s been six years. People change.”

“It’s a feeling I have, AJ. Back when we were in college, before we started dating? He got a crush on a guy from his job. He had the same look in his eyes when he talked about him. I’m sure of it,” Howie elaborated. “There’s someone else.”

“Well, if there’s someone else, that’s it, isn’t it? You lost your chance.” AJ looked at him over his glasses. While it unnerved Howie that AJ practically never took off his glasses, there was something to be said for not having to deal with AJ’s piercing looks all the time. “Time to move on.”

“I haven’t lost my chance.” Howie stated. “It’s just a bit delayed, is all. Look at me, AJ. I’m the best catch for Chris. I know him very well, and we have a history together. I just need a little time.”

AJ laughed at him. “You sound like one of our press releases. Eligible Latin lover bachelor! Come, get him now!”

“Well, of the three single members of our group, I’m still the hottest one.”

“If you ask our fans, that’s Nick,” AJ joked, finishing his drink.

“Fine,” Howie conceded. “After Nick. But Nick wouldn’t be interested in the same things I am.”

AJ lowered his glasses. “Well, yes, I suppose he wouldn’t. Still, I think I’m not that bad off in the polls, you know? I might even be more popular than you.”

“But you aren’t interested in Chris,” Howie pointed out. “So it really doesn’t matter. There is no one interested in Chris that could be a serious rival against me.”

AJ shook his head, laughing. “If you say so, Howie. It’s good to see that your self-esteem hasn’t suffered in all this.”

“Ha, ha.” Howie rolled his eyes. “Say… what did you want to talk about, AJ? I must be boring you with my troubles.”

“It was nothing important.” AJ dismissed him, emptying his glass in one drink. “Really, I just felt like having company, is all.”

* * *

MTV Movie Awards. June 2000.

If anyone had any doubt that the Backstreet Boys and *N Sync had effectively buried the metaphorical hatchet, seeing both bands during the party after the award’s ceremony would have dispelled them instantly.

The first one to break the ice under the surprised gaze of the photographers who were catching celebrities at the entrance to the event was Nick, who spotted Justin and walked straight to him, hugging the other singer and wishing him luck under the flashes and the questions of the inquisitive reporters.

To Howie’s surprise, Kevin followed his example and went to greet Lance.

A quick glance at the press showed Howie that he wasn’t the only one startled. Seeing the two members who had been the most vocal in their attacks about the other band shake hands and smile at each other, was surely going to make the rounds of all the gossip shows and magazines the next day.

At the party, after the ceremony, Nick insisted on staying with *N Sync to talk, and Howie, having nothing better to do, decided to stick around. He knew that if he played his cards right, he could get information about Chris and whoever was the rival he was sure existed.

Just as he expected, the conversation turned to what had happened in Albany. While Nick had forgiven Howie, after Howie had apologized, he still had to apologize to *N Sync.

Justin, Lance, and JC accepted his apology gracefully. Joey, however, narrowed his eyes before nodding and offering him his hand.

That struck Howie as a bit odd, since Joey hadn’t had any part in the stupid scene Howie had caused back in Albany. He shouldn’t be holding a grudge against Howie for what had happened, and yet, it seemed as though he was. It was stupid, in Howie’s opinion, that Joey would have taken it as a personal insult.

“How is Chris?” he asked, keeping his tone casual. “I saw him a couple of weeks ago, but I haven’t been able to call him again. I was planning on asking him if he wanted to come to the charity auction I’m holding this month.”

“He’s fine,” Joey answered, sharply. Howie couldn’t mistake that tone. It was a ‘you do not talk about that subject in front of me’ tone. A very possessive tone that made no sense to Howie, since Joey had only known Chris for a couple of months if Howie’s mental math was correct. “He’ll be touring with us very soon.”

“But you should ask him,” Lance added, not even caring about the sharp, angry look that Joey sent him. “If his schedule isn’t packed, I’m sure he would like to be there.”

“When does he join us on tour, Lance?” Justin asked, and Howie waited for the answer. However, before Lance could say anything, Joey opened his mouth.

“The 15th.” Joey was still looking at Howie, who suddenly understood. “At Tacoma.”

Joey was clearly angry with him. Howie could only think of one reason for Joey to be so openly cold towards him. Jealousy.

It was Joey. The rival, that AJ said didn’t exist, was Joey Fatone from *N Sync.

Howie swore under his breath. Because his so called advantage of knowing Chris better than anyone in that room, had suddenly become a disadvantage. He knew Chris’s type. He knew that he wasn’t the norm, but the only exception to Chris’s dating habits when it came to physical looks.

Joey was Chris’ type.

This changed all of Howie’s plans. Sure, he was almost certain that Joey wasn’t interested in men. But Howie knew that appearances could be deceiving. Joey might act straight, and he might date every single woman he could, but that didn’t change the fact that he was looking at Howie as if he wanted to kill him. That didn’t mean anything. Howie had managed to fool his band mates for six years.

There was the possibility that Joey was bisexual. If that was true, Howie had just lost his bet with Nick. But those hundred dollars weren’t really on his mind at the moment.

It didn’t matter if Joey was gay, or straight. What mattered was that Joey was Chris’ type, and Chris was probably already interested. That meant that Howie had to hurry up with his plans.

Because if Joey ever showed even a little bit of interest in Chris, Howie knew he could lose any hope of getting Chris back.


	15. Here we are

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chris and Howie talk again.

Pasadena, California. Early June 2000

Joey was nervous, there was no denying it.

It didn’t effect his performance during the concerts. But Joey shot into the air every time the phone rang, ever since they had met up with Chris at the Orlando concerts.

Lance waited six days after the movie awards before he talked to Joey. In the mean time, he restrained himself and didn’t call Molly because, even though he knew that she probably had more information about what had happened, he wanted to respect Joey’s privacy.

Even if did have he had a couple of theories about what had happened to make Joey so jumpy.

Eventually, Lance couldn’t wait any longer, so he took advantage of the fact that they were sharing the two-man bus.

“Chris will join us in less than four days,” Lance commented, as he turned off his laptop. There had been little to do that day, so he had been mostly just reading his personal emails. When Joey turned to look sharply at him, with the expression of a kid with his hand caught in the cookie jar and crumbs all over his mouth, Lance knew he was on the right track. “Maybe it would be a good time to tell JC and Justin about your interest in him.”

“I don’t know,” Joey said quickly, shaking his head. “I just… I don’t think Chris will appreciate that.”

“JC and Justin know Chris is gay, Joey,” Lance said, looking at his friend. Joey wasn’t meeting his eyes and there was the faintest trace of red on his skin. He was blushing. “It would be hard to miss, after we’ve met two of his exes.”

“But what if JC blames him for this?” Joey asked, and Lance had to control himself from laughing.

“I highly doubt JC will blame Chris for your sudden bi-ness. Unless, of course, he caught you two kissing on the bus.”

Joey’s eyes grew wide as all the blood rushed from his face, in a way that was almost comical. Lance smiled to himself. Bingo.

“How did you know that?” Joey demanded, but he didn’t sound exactly angry, so Lance let him vent. “Do you have cameras in our hotel rooms or something? Because that’s the only way you could have known Chris and I kissed.”

“Not the only way.” Lance was making an effort not to laugh. “I simply waited until you told me. So, you kissed him. That was probably not a good idea.”

“You didn’t…” Joey began, then waved his hands, resigned. “Never mind. JC almost caught us, but I don’t think he saw anything, because he didn’t mention it after Chris left.”

“Well, then. What’s the problem?”

“That Chris said we should talk. And we haven’t, because now he doesn’t have time. And I think I need to know where I stand with Chris before I start making any announcements, don’t you think?”

“You’re not announcing your wedding, Joey. You’re just telling your friends that you happen to find men as attractive as you find women,” Lance chuckled. “But do whatever you think is best. It’s not as if it isn’t obvious that you care for Chris. At least not to someone who knows what to look for.”

* * *

Orlando, Florida, 2000. Late June.

Chris closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

Howard had invited him over for dinner to celebrate that Chris had finally finished recording his tracks, and that Jive was picking up the first single. The last three weeks had passed too fast, with Chris flying from Albany to Orlando on Friday nights, and back again on Sundays in order to be ready for school. School had become a little complicated for Chris, once the rumors of his impending debut started circulating the hallways. And while Chris was ready to resume their friendship, there was something about Howard’s attitude that was making him nervous.

And then there was Joey.

Chris hadn’t really stopped thinking about Joey and the brief. almost, kiss they had shared. Joey was interested, he was interested, but there was the nagging feeling in Chris’s head telling him that he had been down this path before.

Joey couldn’t afford to be out. Just like Daniel, and Howard.

Chris didn’t want to compare Joey to either of his ex-lovers, but he couldn’t avoid it.

It was the same path, after all.

And part of him wanted to go down that path, to find out if it would end up the same way as the last two times, or if, finally, he could have a happy ending. Because Joey was different from Daniel and Howard; Joey wasn’t pushing, wasn’t pressuring and wasn’t asking for anything.

They even had agreed it was a bad idea before kissing.

Chris was truthful to himself. Even if the brief contact had left his lips tingling for a long time, he knew that the timing of the situation had to be considered. He had just broken up with Daniel when he had met Joey.

Just after meting Joey, he had met Howard again, and all those feelings he had tried to keep bottled inside had come rushing back to him.

To the point with which he couldn’t really say if he was truly over Howard.

So he hadn’t called Joey since that night at his hotel. Chris didn’t want to talk to him until he had sorted out his feelings for Howard. It wouldn’t be fair to Joey to be used as another attempt to forget Howard.

All this was going through his mind as he knocked on Howard’s door, praying that he would find an answer to his doubts.

* * *

Howie was perfecting the last details of his plan when he heard the door bell.

He took a deep breath before leaving the kitchen. He could do this, and he knew it. He could seduce Chris, convince Chris to give him another chance, and since Chris didn’t fool around, didn’t even look around, when he was with someone, that would take care of Joey Fatone.

Howie knew that he wasn’t the only man who could love Chris. Quite the contrary; he knew that Chris was easy to love.

What was not easy, was dealing with the consequences of being loved by Chris, because Chris loved with all his heart, and expected nothing less in return.

He opened his eyes and looked straight into the decorative mirror in front of him.

Was he ready to give his all to Chris? He didn’t know. He was willing to try, though, and to have that chance, he needed to win Chris over now.

Calmer now, he checked that his hair was perfect and opened the door.

“Hi, Chris. You’re early,” he said, smiling. Chris looked great, even better than the last time they had seen each other. Sure, Howie knew that part of the credit went to Jive’s image consultants, who had been grooming and perfecting Chris’s look for the past two weeks. Mostly, though, Chris was just gorgeous. He was wearing dark brown pants and a red turtleneck sweater; his hair had purple highlights that shone under the door lights. He was also wearing one silver hoop in his left ear, something that made Howie smile. He hadn’t seen Chris with earrings since college.

“Do I look that bad?” Chris asked, but he was smiling and Howie realized that he had been staring.

“Exactly the opposite,” Howie answered, almost reaching out to touch the earring and stopping just in time. “You weren’t wearing that last time I saw you.”

Chris reached up to touch the small silver hoop and smiled. “Theresa noticed the hole when we were doing some photo shoot. I stopped wearing earrings when I started teaching, but mom was right: it never really closed. Can I come in, or are we going out?”

“Come in, please.” Howie smiled, moving aside, so Chris could pass. “Dinner is almost ready.”

“You cooked?” Chris turned sharply to look at him, and Howie cursed internally. Chris knew him. Chris knew his techniques.

Subtle seduction didn’t work that well if the object of said seduction was aware of the seducer’s plans, Howie thought to himself as Chris took a seat in the living room.

“Yeah, well, I wanted to do something different, to celebrate the start of your career,” Howie said, closing the door. He wasn’t looking at Chris, though. He didn’t want his eyes to betray his feelings.

“You did?” Chris’s tone was skeptical, and for a moment Howie figured everything had been ruined. But then, Chris chuckled. “I think you’re maybe jumping the gun a little. There’s no guarantee this is going to work.”

“It will work if you give it a chance.” Howie tried again, raising his head to look at the ceiling. Chris had been more assertive in college, and he wasn’t sure how to deal with an insecure Chris. “And from what I saw, you already have a small fan base. Didn’t you play every weekend at that place in Albany?”

“You only saw one of my shows, Howard. And it wasn’t exactly one of my best ones.”

“If that one wasn’t one of your best, then I can bet you’ll be successful.” Howie walked into the living room, and sat down in front of Chris. “Opening for *N Sync will give you the exposure you need, but the talent is all yours.”

“Flatterer.”

“I’m just telling the truth.” Howie shrugged. “And for once, I know what I’m talking about. I’ve been through this, remember?”

Chris didn’t answer immediately, choosing to look at his clasped hands. Howie mentally kicked himself. He had wanted to reassure Chris, not to make him feel uncomfortable.

“I’m sorry,” he hurried to add. “I didn’t mean to brag.”

“No, no. It’s ok.” Chris smiled, and Howie could see in his eyes that it really was ok. “It’s just that everything is happening really fast. I don’t know how you or Justin did it. I keep thinking I’m going insane.”

“You already were insane, it’s part of your charm,” Howie joked before turning serious again. “Look, despite what I said, I don’t know how *N Sync did it, but I know how it was for the Boys and me. You just have to keep your friends close, and everything will be all right.”

“That would be wonderful advice if I was starting a group, but I’m not.” Chris closed his eyes. “I feel like I’m about to jump into the ocean without knowing how to swim.”

You have me, Howie wanted to say. But he knew it was the wrong thing to say, and so he just served Chris a cup of tea before saying words he was sure he would regret later, if his plan didn’t work out.

“You’ll have Justin and the guys with you,” Howie said. “I think, no, I’m sure they’ll help you any way they can.”

The small smile that appeared on Chris’s lips made Howie’s heart lurch painfully, but he managed not to show it.

“I guess so,” Chris said, and met Howie’s eyes. When he looked up, the traces of that secret smile were gone. “And I suppose I could call you, if I suddenly find myself completely lost, right?”

“I will kick your ass if you don’t,” Howie answered, truthfully. He shook his head. “You can probably count on Kevin and Nick too. Nick made my life a living hell until I realized I had to apologize to you, and Kevin did drive three hours to make it happen so yeah, I think they can be added to your ‘friend’ list.”

“How is everything going for you?” Chris asked, changing the subject just a little. Howie grinned.

“Pretty well. The charity auction is almost ready, and I think we’ll get a lot of money for research. Kevin is getting married this month, so any promotional stuff will be handled by the rest of us, but mostly? We’re getting ready for October.”

Chris nodded as he drank his tea, and Howie let himself hope.

Maybe it wasn’t too late to get Chris back, after all.

* * *

Dinner was delicious. Chris had to admit that Howard had gotten a lot better in the kitchen in six years since they’ve been together. Especially, when he remembered that the first time Howard had cooked for him, on their one month anniversary, they had ended up going to a nearby Mexican restaurant, since Howard had managed to burn their dinner to unrecognizable black lumps.

During dinner, they talked about everything that was not important. Their memories of college, their mutual friends, the fact that their musical tastes were no longer polar opposites, and the latest movies they had seen.

Nothing dangerous. Nothing that would open the can of worms that Chris was sure would explode sooner or later.

Chris only summoned enough courage to talk about their present situation when they were back in the living room, after dinner.

“I finally watched some of your videos,” he said, after a comfortable silence. “An intern at Jive loaned me a tape.”

“Really?” Howard’s face lit up with a smile. “Why did you do that?”

“Well, I had already seen most of *N Sync, thanks to my sisters, I figured, why not? They were interesting.”

“You hated them.”

“I’m not saying that,” Chris laughed. “The last one was bizarre, though.”

“The last one…” Howard frowned for a moment, an expression Chris recognized all too well. Howard was trying to remember which one was their last video. And then he was laughing. “Oh, sure. You would remember that one.”

“You did a pretty good job of acting like a stalker. For a second there I thought you lusted after your friend Nick,” Chris said truthfully. Watching Howard on the screen, looking at Nick like that had been unsettling. Especially since he remembered seeing that look directed at him.

“I had good inspiration,” Howard answered. And of course, they were no longer on safe ground. Howard was directing that same look at Chris right at that moment. “And before you ask, no, I wasn’t thinking about Nick.”

“You taped that one before you went to Albany, so don’t even try to pretend you were thinking about me,” Chris warned, leaving his cup on the table. “Besides, that would be a lame line.”

“I haven’t needed a line in a long time, sorry, I’m out of practice.” Howard shrugged, and Chris chuckled. If Howard was willing to make as if it had just been a joke, Chris could pretend the same. After all, even though Chris knew that Howard used making dinner as a seduction technique, nothing of the sort had happened. Maybe Howard had changed, and Chris was just being paranoid.

“It must be nice, to be able to say ‘I’m a Backstreet Boy’ just to get a date,” Chris agreed. “Only, I don’t think I could use that. At least, not to get the kind of dates I want.”

“You would be surprised,” Howard said, serving him more tea. “We have a lot of male fans.”

“Would you risk one of them talking after a one night stand?” Chris asked, thinking more about Joey and that night at the Little Cabaret, than about Howard.

* * *

“Would you risk one of them talking after a one night stand?”

Howie closed his eyes, considering the question. He knew that his answer would be crucial to his plan, especially taking in Chris’s issues about secrecy into account.

Finally, he settled on answering with the truth.

“I don’t know. I haven’t had a male lover since I left you.”

Chris stayed silent for a minute, and Howie feared that he’d said the wrong thing, but it was the truth. After leaving Chris, everything with the group had happened so fast, and he hadn’t met anyone worth the risk. He hadn’t dated much, having only a few one night stands with women.

It had been better for him. At least, it had seemed so, at the time.

“Any girlfriends?” Chris finally asked, and it looked as if he was genuinely curious.

“Besides ‘Christina’?” Howie joked, and was rewarded when Chris laughed. “Not really. I don’t have time to really meet anyone. I went out with a couple of girls, but it never went past a third date. I’m single and free.”

“How are you going to fix that?” Chris looked amused, so Howie relaxed. Things were back on track.

“Maybe I don’t want to fix it. It would be a good cover,” he began saying, scooting closer to Chris. “If you want.”

“Howard, I don’t think-” Chris started to say, but Howie raised his hand, asking him to stay quiet for a moment.

“Please, Chris just give me one more chance. I’ve changed, you know it.” As he spoke, Howie moved even closer to Chris. He was aware that he was risking everything, but he knew he had no choice. It was now or never. “We were good together.”

“Yes, but-” Howie chose not to hear the ‘but’, and closed the small distance between them, kissing Chris tenderly with all the emotion he felt at that moment.

At first, Chris didn’t react, but when Howie used his tongue to tease his lips open, Chris started to kiss him back. For a moment, it was as if they were still in college, before Howie had been stupid enough to throw away what they had, before the Backstreet Boys, before Joey.

And it didn’t matter that Howie had seen the signs that Chris was, at minimum, infatuated with Joey Fatone. It didn’t matter that Howie was sure that Joey wasn’t immune to Chris’s charms. Chris was with him now, kissing him, almost as passionately as Howie was kissing Chris, and the rest of the world could disappear, as long as they could stay as they were.

For a moment, a very brief moment, Chris even added to the kiss, hugging Howie close to his body, teasing him, as he used to do in college. For that brief moment, Howie could even make himself believe that everything would work out fine.

He believed that he could win Chris back.

But when Howie tried to deepen the kiss, his left hand well inside Chris’s shirt, he realized that Chris had put up his hand against his chest, not to draw him nearer, but to ask him to stop.

Drawing every bit of will power he had, Howie stopped and straightened, looking deep into Chris’s eyes.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“It wasn’t just you. I could have stopped you sooner,” Chris muttered, not looking at him.

Yes, Chris could have stopped him and Howie knew it. But, even though he couldn’t fool himself into thinking that Chris hadn’t stopped the kiss because, deep down he loved him, the truth was that he had taken advantage of the fact that he knew Chris, and he knew that he was a very physical man, that had been alone for at least a month and was longing for contact.

Howie felt the acid taste of defeat in his mouth. He had taken advantage of Chris’s loneliness, just to help his plan of a perfect moment to kiss his ex with no interruptions or mistakes, and it had failed completely. He knew his ex well enough to know that if Chris really hadn’t wanted to be kissed, Howie would have been picking his teeth from the floor. It was because, as hot as the kiss had been, Howie could tell that Chris hadn’t been into it. Not until the very end.

He was too late.

The kiss had been a goodbye.

“I guess I was too late, right?” he finally said, closing his eyes. “And maybe it was too little effort from me?”

“No, it’s not that, Howard.” Chris shook his head. “It’s just not that. Our moment has passed. That’s all.”

“Chris, it’s all right. I know there’s someone else. I can see it in your eyes.” Howie took a deep breath. He wasn’t going to mention Joey; it wasn’t his place. “And I was just hoping I was wrong. But I wasn’t, was I?”

“No, you weren’t wrong,” Chris admitted, looking at him. “I’m sorry, Howard.”

“Don’t be. It’s my fault, really, for disappearing all those years ago.” Howie sighed. “Do you think we can still be friends after all this? I’ll understand if I’ve burnt my bridges…”

“I meant it when I said I wanted to try to keep your friendship, Howard,” Chris said, smiling at him. “I guess we’ll just have to try.”

Howie nodded. He could admit defeat, even if it tasted sour in his mouth. But right then, he swore that if he ever got a second chance, he wouldn’t waste it.

* * *

Chris returned to Joey’s house, a little after midnight.

Almost on automatic, he went straight to the guestroom, where he had been staying and lay down on bed, closing his eyes.

Howard had kissed him.

Howard, whom he had dreamed about so many nights in the last six years, who had been his lover for almost two years, who had never once, during all of those two years, initiated any of their sexual encounters, had kissed him.

For a moment there, with Howard’s lips on his, tasting Howard’s mouth that, as always had the faintest tang of black tea (not surprisingly, Howard practically lived on the stuff), he had let himself be lost in the moment. The moment he had been sure would never come again, not after six years.

Howard had kissed him.

But, during the kiss, just as he felt Howard’s hands against his chest and under his shirt, he had remembered the feel of another kiss. A much more insecure kiss, one that hadn’t been initiated by anyone. One that had just happened.

Joey’s kiss.

Howard was his past, and as much as Chris had entertained what ifs, and daydreams about him, it was better if he stayed in the past. Better for Chris, and better for Howard. Because they had already gone down that path, and Chris knew that no matter how much Howard had changed, they would end up hurting each other.

Knowing that Howard hadn’t had any other male lovers, not since he left Chris, was confusing; it was flattering, in one way, and Chris couldn’t deny that. But at the same time, it was the proof that Chris needed to know that Howard wasn’t ready to give Chris what he wanted. Because Howard had told him that the reason why he hadn’t had any male lovers was because it was simply more convenient.

Even if Chris didn’t have the memory of Joey’s kiss, trying to rekindle his romance with Howard would have been a bad idea.

“I guess I was too late, right? And maybe, it was too little effort from me?”

Chris wished he could’ve told Howard he was wrong, but it had really been too late. Six years too late, in fact, but it hadn’t been too little effort. Chris knew that Howard was uncomfortable taking the initiative. He knew that Howard liked it when people pursued him. This time, Howard had made the effort, he had done the pursuing. Chris knew it was a big thing for him.

But still, too late.

“Chris, it’s all right. I know there’s someone else. I can see it in your eyes.”

Chris had wanted to deny it. To tell Howard that there was no one else, that it was just a question of time. But he hadn’t been able to lie, not even to himself.

He liked Joey.

He really liked Joey. And he knew that Joey was interested in him.

Looking up at the ceiling of Joey’s house, he took out the present that Howard had given him for good luck.

The silver necklace that he had given Howard back just a month ago, the same one that Howard had given him as a gift when they had been lovers.

“Take it with you, Chris, please,” Howard had said, giving him the necklace. “It was for you, all the time.”

“Howard, I can’t accept it. We’re not-”

“Not like before. The first time I gave it to you, it was a gift to my lover. This time… This time is my gift to a friend. For new beginnings.”

Chris had smiled then, and he accepted the necklace, without putting it on. “For new beginnings.”

If he was sincere, now he felt true closure with Howard. He now could lay all those ‘what ifs’ that had plagued his dreams to rest.

It left the door open to the future. A future with Joey? He could hope. There were worse possibilities. For the first time in his life, Chris was truly uncertain of what the next day would bring.

And there were too many things in his future now. There was the possibility of something with Joey. There was all that his new career could offer him and his sisters. Now, everything was possible.

The open road before him.

It scared Chris a little, if he had to tell the truth.

So many possibilities, lying in front of him, were waiting to be discovered.


	16. With a little help from my friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time goes on, Justin makes an statement and the guys have to talk about it.

Justin was getting frantic.

Chris would be joining them the next day as their opening act, which was good. But it meant that he was on his way to becoming a solo star, and that was bad.

“This is all wrong, Nick,” Justin groaned over the phone. “I can’t think of any way to stop this. Johnny won’t listen to me when I try to explain why Chris has to be in *N Sync, and I can’t tell Chris. This is getting completely out of control.”

“I don’t know, Justin. I think that maybe this is for the best,” Nick told him, sounding far too calm for Justin’s taste. “I mean, really, you got Chris a singing career. That’s good, isn’t it?”

Justin sighed, closing his eyes.

“Nick, have you listened to anything I’ve told you? Chris has to be in *N Sync! It’s his group!”

“Justin, *N Sync might have been formed out of his ideas, but it’s not his group. It’s your group. Yours and JC’s and Lance’s and Joey’s.”

“You sound like JC.”

“Well, maybe JC has a point, J.” Nick sounded tired. Justin couldn’t believe it. His friend had backed him up every time he needed help. Why he was now saying things couldn’t work? “I, c’mon, have you even asked Chris how he feels about it?”

“You know I can’t ask him. He’s going to get mad.”

“Exactly!” Nick wasn’t yelling, but to Justin it sounded as if he was. “J, I don’t really know the guy, but I think he’s a little tired of people trying to control his life. Wouldn’t you be, in his place?”

“I’m not trying to control his life! I’m trying to give him back what is his!”

“But what if he doesn’t want it?”

“What do you mean?” Justin frowned at the phone. “Of course he wants it!”

“I’m just saying that he didn’t jump at Johnny’s offer. Didn’t you tell me that Lance and Molly had to convince him?”

“Well, yeah, but now he is totally on board with the situation! He told us he’s happy!”

“Exactly. What if your plan backfires and ends up ruining his chance? Then you would have something real to feel guilty about.”

“I am not doing this out of guilt, Nick.”

“Justin, don’t lie to me. We’ve been friends for almost four years, I know how your mind works.”

“I’m not so sure about that.”

“Justin, come on.”

“No, you come on, Nick. You’re supposed to be my friend. You should be helping me, not telling me that I can’t help Chris.”

“You’ve already helped him, Justin. He’s about to start a new career that was his dream. You don’t need to do anything else.”

“It sounds as if you think this is a bad idea.”

“It is a bad idea. You can’t force Chris to join, and you can’t force your friends to accept it. And if you talked to them, you would see…”

“What I see is that you’re not on my side,” Justin said, angry. He couldn’t believe that Nick was turning his back on him. “You know? Don’t call me until you’ve got an idea that is not ‘Drop the whole thing.” And without waiting for Nick’s answer, Justin hung up.

Nick was wrong. Chris would be happy in *N Sync, Justin knew it.

But without Nick’s help, he would need to talk to the others.

Justin sighed. He was pretty sure that Lance would agree with his plan.

* * *

Nick stared at his cell phone for a moment, before closing it down.

It was useless to try and talk to Justin when he decided the universe was wrong and he was right. Usually, Nick just had to grin and bear whatever new idea Justin had until his friend was distracted by a new project, but on those occasions Justin’s ideas were mostly about his look, what he was going to give Britney as a gift to say ‘I wish you were with me now’, and occasionally, pranks to play on the other members of *N Sync.

This time, it was something that could affect another man’s life, and Nick couldn’t in good conscience help Justin.

Nick didn’t understand Justin’s obsession. He could more or less see why he wanted Chris to get a break in the business, because Nick would have done the same for a friend if he knew that said hypothetical friend had talent, and the desire to work on it. But the extent of Justin’s plan was a little scary, to say the least.

Nick had realized that he couldn’t do anything to make Justin stop, and that scared him. Anything he said was going to make Justin explode, just as it had done just now.

Maybe, he figured, he could ask the other guys for advice. But Kevin was away on his honeymoon, and Brian was busy with the preparations for his wedding. He doubted Howie would want to discuss Chris’s possible problems right now, especially if he hadn’t given up the idea of getting back together with him, and AJ…

Nick shook his head. Last time he had asked AJ for advice, they had ended up in a club dancing until the break of down. It had made him feel better, but it hadn’t actually helped with his problem.

Nick just hoped that maybe Lance, Joey or JC would be able to put some sense into Justin’s head.

* * *

Justin had told Lance that he wanted to talk, so when the buses stopped to refuel, Joey changed places with him and went to join JC on the other bus.

Since Chris was going to join them that day, Lance had a couple of theories of what Justin wanted to talk about.

He hoped he was wrong about that.

“Chris is coming today,” Justin said, as soon as they were alone.

“In a couple of hours, yeah,” Lance agreed, not looking up from the newspaper he was reading. “Things are going well for him.”

“I wanted to talk to you about that.” Justin sat down in front of Lance, who sighed and put down the paper. He knew he had to give Justin his full attention. “You know I asked Johnny to go and listen to Chris, right?”

“Yeah, it was pretty obvious,” Lance nodded. “You wanted Chris to have the chance that he had missed, and it worked. You should be proud of yourself.”

“I didn’t want for this to happen, Lance. This wasn’t my plan.”

“Justin, please tell me that JC was wrong when he told us that you wanted Chris to join *N Sync,” Lance interrupted, fearing that he knew the answer. Joey had told him about JC’s fears, and Lance had assured Joey that that would never happen. That even if Justin had originally had that idea, by now he would have realized it was impossible.

“You guys knew? Then why didn’t you say anything? Why didn’t you help?! Fuck, I thought you liked Chris! I thought you were dating his sister!”

“Whatever I think of Chris and Molly, Justin,” Lance closed his eyes. He was not going to get into an argument about if he was or wasn’t dating Molly right then, “*N Sync is a quartet. We’ve been fine as a quartet for almost six years.”

“We were supposed to be five. If Chris hadn’t gone back to-“

“If Chris hadn’t gone back to Pennsylvania, maybe we wouldn’t be *N Sync, Justin.” Lance interrupted again. He was trying not to lose his patience with his friend. “But he went back, and you and JC formed the group and trying to force Chris to join is not fair to any of us. Not even to Chris.”

“How can you say that?” Justin yelled. “Of course it’s fair to Chris! It’s his dream!”

“It was his dream, J. Are you sure Chris still wants the same things he wanted back then? You haven’t even asked him about it.”

Justin shook his head, but Lance could see that he wasn’t really convincing his friend. When Justin got focused on an idea, it was very hard to make him change his mind.

Especially when he was convinced he was right.

“I can’t believe you won’t help me,” Justin finally said, looking out of the window. “Sure, I know JC would be against the idea at first, but I thought you and Joey would see why this is a good plan.”

“Why don’t you ask him, then?” Lance knew Joey wouldn’t like the idea either. Mostly because Joey had finally understood that the only one with the right to make choices about Chris’s life was Chris. “Better yet, ask JC too. You didn’t tell us about this because you knew we would be against the idea. But if you’re going to keep making plans about the group’s future, I think the whole group should be here to listen.”

* * *

When Justin said that he needed to talk with Lance, Joey decided that he would take the opportunity to come clean with JC about his bisexuality and his feelings for Chris.

Now that he knew that he had a real chance with Chris, he was not going to ruin it by hiding his feelings from the people who mattered. He couldn’t come out to the general public, but he could tell his friends. Lance already knew, and Joey didn’t worry a lot about Justin’s reaction. After all, Justin hadn’t reacted badly when they learned that Chris was gay.

But JC was his best friend.

Joey was not going to wait for JC to find out accidentally. He was going to tell him and hope that Lance’s perfect record in predicting people’s reactions wasn’t going to be broken now. If JC freaked, Joey would feel terribly bad.

But if he didn’t tell JC the truth, Joey knew he would hate himself.

He spent an hour rehearsing in his mind all the possible ways to tell the news to JC. It was a bit harder than he had expected, mostly because he had no idea of how to start. And in all the scenarios he had visualized, JC ended up angry at him. Joey knew it was mostly his own paranoia, because of all the original misgivings JC had about Chris, the fact that the man was gay had never factored into it. Not even after Daniel had confused JC with Howie.

“JC, I need to tell you something,” he blurted, after the buses were on the road.

“Sure,” JC had been listening to music while he watched the road pass by, but when Joey spoke he took off his headphones and turned to see him with attention. “What’s wrong?”

Joey took a deep breath. He wasn’t subtle; he wasn’t one to beat the bush around things. When he and Kelly had started their very open relationship, he had told the guys clearly. He was going to do the same thing now.

“I like men.” In hindsight perhaps that had been too blunt. But it was out on the open and now there was no looking back.

JC stared at him with that intense look that Joey knew meant that he was analyzing what he had just heard.

“You’re not gay,” JC finally said after a long silence.

“No, I’m bi. I like both men and women.”

“No, no.” JC shook his head. “You don’t like women. You love women. I’ve seen you, Joey. You make girl-watching an artform!”

“You’ve never seen me watch men,” Joey pointed out, quietly. JC was loud enough for both of them.

“Exactly! I have known you since we were kids and not once have I seen you look at a guy!”

“I’ve been discreet!”

“Joey, your idea of being discreet is closing your mouth so you don’t drool.”

“JC, that is not true!”

“You remember that girl in the ‘I drive myself crazy’ video? You walked into a wall because you were ‘discreetly’ watching her.”

“I told you, I’m bi! I’m not saying I don’t like women!”

“Well, I’ve never seen you walk into a wall because you were watching a man!”

Joey sighed. He hadn’t expected this. “Yes, you have. Not actually into a wall, but I’ve done my share of stupid things because I was watching guys.”

“Mention one,” JC dared him.

“What?”

“Tell me one time I saw you make a fool of yourself because you were watching a guy. I bet you can’t.”

Joey sighed. He knew that among all the stupid things he had done trying to impress a guy, only one of them would convince JC. One of the most embarrassing, and that he had wanted to forget for years. Unfortunately for him, there were a lot of photographs documenting his stupidity.

“Do you remember the stylist we had in 1999? The one who convinced Justin to let his hair alone for a while?” When JC nodded, Joey continued. “His favorite color was red.”

JC frowned. “Red?”

“Red. Bright red to be exact. That’s why I dyed it. I wanted to catch his attention.”

“He was married,” JC pointed out.

“Which was why I was making a fool of myself!” Joey shook his head. “People still remember the red engine head as one of our worst hair moments, and it got me nowhere. Unlike that time I ran into the wall, because that made Denise think I was funny.”

“Joey, you can’t like men.” JC insisted, passing a hand through his hair. “You can’t be gay! Or bi, or whatever! The fact that you like women is like the sky being blue! If the sky is not blue, the world is crazy!”

“JC, you’re exaggerating,” Joey started to say, when the bus stopped. JC frowned, confused, and was getting up when Lance and Justin walked in.

Neither looked very happy.

“Group meeting,” Lance announced. “We need to talk.”

* * *

Justin sat next to the window, opposite Lance. Nothing was going the way he had planned, and if he didn’t manage to convince Joey that his idea was a good one, he knew there was no way in hell he would convince JC that Chris had to join the group. Especially since Lance had decided not to be supportive.

And with everything out in the open like this, he really didn’t have much hope that he could make JC and Joey see that he was right and Lance and Nick were wrong.

Justin was doing what was fair, and it had nothing to do with feeling guilty, because he didn’t felt guilty about anything.

Why couldn’t Lance see it?

“What’s wrong, Lance?” Joey asked. Justin tried to keep his attention on him. He knew that Joey would be easy to convince.

“Justin has something to tell us,” Lance said, glaring at Justin. He still looked angry.

“J?” JC was frowning, which was not good. It meant that he and Joey had been arguing before Lance decided they should have a group meeting. Talking to JC when JC was thinking about something else was impossible. “What’s going on?”

“Lance is mad at me because I want to do the right thing.” Justin finally said.

“No, I’m angry because I’m tired of your habit of trying to control other people’s lives without letting them decide for themselves!” Lance said, crossing his arms. “And that includes the three of us. So please, Justin… just tell them the truth.”

“The truth is that I just want things to be as they should have been from the beginning!” Justin shook his head, starting to get frustrated.

“Justin, please tell me this is not about getting Chris to join the group,” Joey asked, almost whispering.

Justin opened his mouth to answer, only to be interrupted by JC.

“No way!” JC was shaking his head. “Justin, we’re a quartet. We’ve always been a quartet, and we will always be a quartet. Why are you so obsessed with Chris?”

“Because it was his idea!” Justin practically yelled. He couldn’t believe that after all this years his friends didn’t understand the situation. “Without him, all we’ve done is nothing! We need him in the group.”

JC didn’t say anything, just watched Justin, as if he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Lance shook his head, and looked outside the window.

“Did Chris tell you to contact JC?” Joey asked, keeping his voice calm. “No, that was your idea. And I know that Chris didn’t mention me or Lance because he didn’t know we existed, so how can you say it was all his idea?”

“Because it was. Maybe JC and I polished it a little, but even so, without Chris it wouldn’t have happened!”

“You don’t know that,” Lance chimed in, and it was obvious that he was trying to keep his temper controlled. “You don’t even know what Chris thinks about this wonderful plan of yours because you haven’t told him.”

“I haven’t told him because he’s doing everything wrong.” Justin passed his hand through his hair, closing his eyes. “He shouldn’t be getting ready for a solo career. If he does that, everything will be ruined. The rest of it means nothing, without Chris.”

* * *

Lance was two heartbeats away from doing something he knew he would regret. Like hurting Justin or leaving the group.

Justin’s words made the first option look more interesting.

“So JC’s hard work to get us a record deal is nothing?” he asked Justin, not bothering to keep his contempt hidden. “The fact that we worked our butts off in Europe for a year was just for fun? My collapse? The lawsuits? What else was ‘nothing’, Justin?”

“That’s not what I meant, Lance.” Justin shook his head. “Don’t twist my words.”

“It sounded like you were saying that,” Joey added, quietly. The louder Justin and Lance got, the quieter Joey was.

“Well, I wasn’t!” Justin defended himself again. “I never said that we hadn’t done anything, well, I never meant that! I just-”

“You just said that it was nothing.” Lance interrupted. He was tired, but he was going to make Justin see his point. He realized that it was partly his fault. He had seen this coming, and hadn’t done anything about it. If they had talked before, maybe the explosion wouldn’t have been this big.

“It was for something for us, but not for the group!” Justin said, rolling his eyes. “Is that so hard to understand?”

“Not as hard as it is to understand that you can’t make decisions about someone else’s life, Justin. Chris had a job before we met him. A life. And I’ve got the feeling that you would have tried to destroy everything he had just to get him on the stage where you think he belongs, if Chris hadn’t lost his job like he did.”

“He was wasting his talent, Lance! And don’t try to dump it all on me; I know that you and Molly helped convince Chris to agree to sign his contract.”

“Molly and I just gave Chris our opinions, but if Chris had decided to stay in Albany and look for a new teaching job, it would have been fine with us, because it’s Chris’s life, and he was never wasting it.”

“Even if he was, Justin,” Joey piped in, looking straight into their friend’s eyes, “it’s Chris’s decision. He doesn’t need any more concerned ‘friends’ trying to decide what’s best for him.”

“And what do you know about that, Joey? You’ve been all over Chris ever since I introduced you guys, and it’s been obvious that you’re trying to score with Kate, now that Lance is dating Molly… what do you know about Chris or what he needs?”

“I was there when his ex, Daniel, came to try and force Chris to do what he thought was best for him, and when Howie acted as if Chris was a ten year old, who didn’t know any better. You were there too, Justin, so why do you want to act like those two?”

“I am not like those two! They weren’t thinking about Chris at all! All I want is to give him what he deserves.”

The worst part, Lance figured, was that Justin really believed that. Justin honestly thought that he was doing what was best for Chris.

That didn’t make things any better, in Lance’s opinion. It made them worse, because the bottom line was that Justin was doing everything just to feel better about himself.

“Don’t you think that maybe Chris is the one who should decide what’s best for him?” Lance asked, not moving from his seat.

Justin opened his mouth, closed it again, and lowered his head, as if defeated. Lance hoped that meant Justin finally understood what he had been trying to tell him.

“I know what’s best for him,” Justin said, not looking up. “For him, and for us.”

“And you couldn’t care less about what we think, right?” Lance asked. “It’s not as if we’re part of this group, too.”

* * *

Joey had some trouble following Justin and Lance’s fight. It was unusual to see Lance so angry with one of them, so Joey figured that whatever Justin had done must be huge.

When Chris’s name came up, his heart skipped a beat. Even though both Joey and Lance had reassured JC that Chris was never going to be a part of *N Sync, that Justin couldn’t be considering such a thing, both knew there was a slight chance that Justin was planning exactly that.

A lot of things were making sense to Joey now.

“Wait,” Joey held up his hand, making Justin look at him sharply. “You mean that everything you’ve done since Johnny told us he had signed Chris with Jive, not talking to Chris, looking angry about the whole thing, it’s all been because you want him in the group?”

“I’ve talked to him!” Justin defended himself, but Joey chose to ignore that.

“Justin, Chris doesn’t want to be a part of *N Sync. He’s happy with the way things are, and you would know that if you talked to him for more than five minutes at a time!”

“And how do you know that, huh?” Justin was very defensive, but Joey was not going to beat around the bush. He was still hurt over JC’s reaction to his confession, and he felt a bit sorry that Justin was going to take the brunt of it.

“I know it because I talk with Chris, and I’ve spent time with him,” Joey answered carefully. Even though almost everyone in the room now knew that he was very much interested in Chris, there was nothing solid between him and Chris. He was not going to start shouting from the rooftops that there was a relationship until there was one to shout about. “And when he talks about our shows, he says they’re perfect the way they are and that he’s happy for you and all of us. If he wanted in, he would have mentioned it.”

“Maybe he doesn’t mention it because he knew that you guys would act like this.” Justin crossed his arms over his chest. But Joey as starting to realize that the truth was that Justin really didn’t know Chris as well as he thought he did.

“Justin, why don’t you want to talk to Chris about this?” Joey figured that maybe changing tracks would make Justin see that they were right. “Ask him directly if he wants to be in *N Sync? I think you don’t want to, because you know that he’d refuse.”

“Fuck, Joey, just because Chris stayed at your house for a while, doesn’t mean that you know him, or that you’re his best friend! When I talk to him he barely mentions you! He couldn’t care less about you!”

* * *

JC was still trying to figure out why Joey would tell him he was attracted to men, when Lance and Justin arrived for the group meeting.

They wanted to talk about Chris Kirkpatrick, once again. JC was starting to hate Chris, just because of the fact that, some days, it seemed as if he was the only topic of conversation going on the buses.

Lance talked about Chris because he talked about Chris’s sister, even when he insisted they weren’t dating.

Justin talked about Chris because he was his ‘best friend’ and the one behind *N Sync, and JC was really tired of that particular line.

Joey talked about Chris because…

Why did Joey talk so much about Chris, anyway? JC frowned, deep in thought as the discussion kept going.

“So JC’s hard work to get us a record deal is nothing? The fact that we worked our butts off in Europe for a year was just for fun? My collapse? The lawsuits? What else was ‘nothing’, Justin?”

Lance was right. Justin knew how hard it had been to get where they were now, why was he trying to diminish it, to act as if just because there were only four of them it didn’t matter? And right there was what was wrong with Justin’s little idea, because they hadn’t followed ‘Chris’s plan’ to the letter. Justin had been the one who called his vocal teacher, and JC had thought about inviting Joey. They had nothing to do with Chris, of that JC was sure.

Justin kept conveniently forgetting that. It made JC very reluctant to talk to him. But then, Justin had always been good at forgetting what he wanted to forget. Ever since the MMC days, if it wasn’t about Justin, or Justin’s interests, it just wasn’t that important.

“It is Chris’s decision. He doesn’t need any more concerned *friends* trying to decide what’s best for him.”

Wasn’t that just a bit too convenient, though? JC wondered. Chris had ‘coincidentally’ met Justin, and ‘coincidentally’, they had ended up listening to Chris sing. It wasn’t a coincidence that Johnny had gone to hear Chris, because Justin had asked Johnny to go listen to him, but what if it hadn’t been *Justin’s* idea?

Sure, Justin was defending it, as if it was one of his ideas, but what if it wasn’t? After all, Chris was Howie’s exboyfriend, and Nick was Justin’s friend. How hard could it have been to orchestrate the whole thing, really?

Not that JC really thought that it had all been planned from the beginning. That was just stupid. Conspiracy theories weren’t his thing.

And it still didn’t explain why Joey was so interested in Chris.

“I know it because I talk with Chris, and I’ve spent time with him,”

And wasn’t that was an understatement? Joey had practically adopted Chris. It was always ‘Chris this’ and ‘Chris that’, with Joey, these days. The only time Joey got worse about a subject was when he saw a hot girl. Joey could spend weeks talking about a girl’s body, smile, eyes and mouth. Seeing him so obsessed with Chris was weird, because it wasn’t as if Joey was interested in men like that.

“No, I’m bi. I like both men and women.”

Except, apparently, he was. And that still made no sense. No matter what Joey said, that had to be a new development. JC was his best friend, he would have noticed if Joey liked guys.

Joey couldn’t like guys. That was absurd. He was Joey.

“Fuck, Joey, just because Chris stayed at your house for a while doesn’t mean that you know him or that you’re his best friend! When I talk to him he barely mentions you! He couldn’t care less about you!”

JC looked up at Justin’s angry shout just in time to see Joey’s face crumble. It was fast, just a split second before Joey regained his composure, but JC couldn’t deny he’d seen it.

Regardless of what he was thinking about Joey at the moment, he wasn’t going to let anyone make Joey feel like shit.

“Enough!” JC practically yelled, making everyone turn to look at him, surprised. And that was to be expected, JC guessed, because he never yelled. “Justin, I can’t believe you can’t see why Lance and Joey are angry with you. We are *N Sync. That means you and Lance, Joey and I. Anything about the group, is about us. You don’t get to make any decisions about it by yourself, and most importantly, you don’t get to say it was nothing! You’re my friend, and I love you like a brother, but you have to stop acting as if what you want is the only thing that matters!” Taking a deep breath, JC turned towards Lance. “Lance, I agree with you on this. I’ll agree that you’re always right and you’re always on top of things, but please, stop it. It’s creeping us out. Would it kill you to act surprised once in your life?” Lance, damn him, smiled a little before nodding. As if he had been expecting JC’s outburst. Shaking his head, JC turned to look at Joey. JC had a lot of things in his head that he wanted to tell Joey, but when he opened his mouth again, only one of them came out. “You’re in love with Chris!”

As JC watched Joey’s sad face, he felt the motion of the bus slow to a standstill. They had reached the day’s destination.

“Nice to see you finally believe me,” Joey said, looking at the floor. “But it doesn’t matter, does it? After all, Justin is sure that he couldn’t care less about me.”

And with that, Joey walked away, towards the direction of his bunk.

“You better find a way to fix that,” Lance told Justin, obviously angry, “Because I’m not going to keep fixing your messes.”

Then Lance left the bus, leaving JC and Justin alone.

“JC, I-” Justin began, but JC stopped him, with a movement of his hand.

“I don’t want to talk to you right now, Justin,” JC said, slowly. “My world has just been turned upside down, and for once, it is your fault. So just leave me alone for a while, ok?”

Before Justin could answer, JC stepped off the bus to try and find a place where he could think about what had just happened.

* * *

Chris was really nervous when he got off the plane. He had managed to pretend he was fine during the preparation time back in Albany and Orlando. But now that he realized that this was it, that there was no looking back, his stomach was tied in very tight knots.

Once he opened for *N Sync, he wouldn’t be able to back down from trying to make his music career work.

His last day at school had been too emotionally charged, and he still was reeling. All the students he had taught, those who still hadn’t graduated and the ones who were in his group, had gotten together to throw a small party in his honor. Mr. Putz had let them use the gym after classes.

Thinking about that moment when Murgia came up to him, told him he thought Chris was a great teacher and wished him luck, in front of all the students, Chris could feel his eyes watering.

He had admitted to himself long ago, that the main reason why he had never gone farther than the weekly shows at the Cauldron, was because he was more than a little afraid that it wouldn’t work, that no one would like him, and his dreams would end up in failure. If he didn’t try, he wouldn’t fail.

Now, though, he was excited, and nervous and more than a little scared. But he was going to go up on that stage, and do his best. Thankfully, it was only three songs, before it was Joey, Justin, JC and Lance’s turn to drive the audience wild.

When Chris saw the empty lobby of the hotel where the group was staying, he was a bit disappointed. He had hoped that Joey, Justin or Lance would be there to greet him, although he knew they were probably tired after their day on the road.

He got the key to his room and was getting his bag when the doors of the elevator open and a very tense Lance walked towards him.

“Hi, Lance. Is everything all right?” he asked, puzzled. He couldn’t remember seeing Lance so tense.

“Sort of. Look, Chris, we need to talk.”


	17. I only wanna be with you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s Chris’s turn to fix things.

Chris got the key to his room, and was just getting his bag, when the elevator doors opened, and a very tense Lance made his way towards him.

“Hi, Lance. Is everything all right?” he asked, puzzled. He couldn’t remember ever seeing Lance so tense.

“Sort of. Look, Chris, we need to talk.”

Chris looked at Lance, confused. Whatever was going on, it was something bad.

“Sure. Do you want to do this in the restaurant, your room, my room?” Chris trailed off. He knew he had a room to himself, but he had no idea what arrangements had been made for *N Sync.

“Your room,” Lance sighed. “I’m sharing a room with Justin today and that’s part of what we need to talk about.”

When they got to the room, Lance sat down on a chair, and Chris followed suit, flopping onto the bed. He was tired, and he wanted to see Joey, but he suspected that Lance wouldn’t ask to talk to him without a good reason.

“Chris, please don’t take this the wrong way,” Lance began, after a long silence. “I need to know. What ,exactly, was your plan for *N Sync, back when you were in Orlando and planning stuff with Justin?”

“What?” Chris laughed. “There’s no way to take that the wrong way, Lance. I had no plan. I don’t remember exactly what I talked to Justin about, but it didn’t go beyond the ‘we need to form it as an a capella group, then it will sound good no matter what’ stage. That was all. I definitely didn’t plan for anything you guys did. Wait. Please don’t tell me that Justin still thinks I deserve some sort of credit for all that you guys have done.”

“Actually, it’s a little more serious than that,” Lance sighed. “I’m not going to beat about the bush. Justin thinks that you should join *N Sync. He’s been trying to convince everyone that it’s the right thing to do.”

“Oh, shit, I was afraid of this,” Chris muttered. He couldn’t think of anything else to say. It did explain why Justin never seemed happy about Chris’ progress with his first single, and why he had been the first one to insist that Chris open for them. It even explained why Justin had asked Johnny to go to the Cauldron that night.

“You knew what Justin was doing?” Lance asked.

“I suspected. But I really don’t think it’s a good idea,” Chris shook his head. “You guys sound amazing, you don’t need anyone else. I thought Justin understood that, back in Albany. He doesn’t owe me anything.”

“Well, we had a group meeting earlier. No offense, we made it clear that there would never be a fifth member of *N Sync.” Chris smiled, nodding, to let Lance know that he wasn’t offended. Chris would’ve said no if they had offered it, anyway. “But I don’t think Justin was convinced. I hope he’ll believe you, if you make things clear to him.”

“What else happened?” Chris asked, very serious. When Lance didn’t answer, he pressed on. “Come on, Lance. You would’ve told me this on the elevator, if it was just this. What else happened at that meeting?”

* * *

Nick sighed, turned on his cell phone, hit memory one, waited for a second, and then hung up. He had been doing the same thing for half an hour, while trying to pay attention to the meeting. No one noticed when he casually flipped open his cell, and hit the button as he did. They were discussing the finer points of their upcoming release, and the plans for the tour and promotion.

Nick knew he should pay attention, but he simply couldn’t. He was too worried.

“I’m going to get something to drink,” he said, and was out the door before anyone could stop him. Once outside, he sighed, leaned against the wall, and slid to the floor.

He hadn’t heard from Justin in almost 24 hours. While that wasn’t so unusual in itself, it was the first time Justin hadn’t called after they had an argument to ‘let Nick apologize’. Of course, Justin always apologized too, but he always managed to make it sound as if Nick was doing all the apologizing. Justin called to, ‘talk things over’, not to apologize. But he had never let a day go between one of their fights without calling.

He pressed memory one again, and this time, he let the cell ring once before hanging up. If Justin ever checked his missed calls, Nick was sure there would be at least thirty from him.

“Are you ok, Nick?” Kevin came out of the meeting room and stood next to him. He had to be worried, since Kevin *never* left a meeting when they still had things to discuss. Kevin lived for meetings.

“Fine,” Nick shook his head. He didn’t want to worry his friends with his problems, and even if he had wanted to, he couldn’t tell them about Justin’s problems. Nick couldn’t betray Justin’s trust like that. “I just needed some air.”

“You’ve been pretty distracted ever since we started the meeting,” Kevin knelt next to him, holding Nick’s shoulders with both hands. “If you don’t want to talk to me I’ll understand, but you look like you could use a friendly ear.”

Brian was Nick’s best friend within the group, but every time he had a real problem, Nick went to Kevin. Nick would be a lot more fucked up than he was, if it wasn’t for Kevin, who sometimes acted more like a father than like a friend.

Nick didn’t mind, though. As he had grown older, he had realized that he couldn’t count on guidance from his mom, and Kevin was pretty wise. It was Kevin that helped him get through his worse crisis, back when he was fifteen, and even now, from time to time, it was Kevin that talked him out of doing some really stupid things.

“I had a fight with Justin,” Nick whispered. That much he could tell Kevin. “It was a stupid thing, really, over one of his projects. That’s all.”

Kevin nodded, as if he was waiting for Nick to go on.

“It’s just,” Nick shook his head, “I don’t understand him. It’s a bad idea, and I’m sure he knows it’s a bad idea, and that’s why he hasn’t actually done anything about it, but even so, he says he *is* going to do it, and when I finally told him it was a stupid idea, he got mad at me.”

“This morning?” Kevin asked, but Nick didn’t hear him. It was freeing to get everything off his chest.

“It’s not that he can’t do whatever he wants, but if he keeps doing this, he’s going to piss off everyone, and then he’s going to be miserable.” Nick shook his head. “I don’t want Justin to be miserable. But I can’t call him up when he’s being an idiot, because if I do, he’s going to believe I think his idea is a good idea, so he’ll try to do it and then I´ll be the one to blame when he’s miserable.”

Kevin looked at him for a long time, sadly. Nick knew that face. It was the ‘I’m going to tell you something about you that you are not going to like’ face. Nick hated that face, because Kevin was usually right. “Does all this have anything to do with the fact that you’re in love with Justin?”

* * *

Joey was sitting in the dark when he heard someone knock at the door of his room. He was supposed to be rooming with JC, but JC had understood that he needed to be alone.

He had tried to convince himself that Justin had no idea what he was talking about, that he didn’t know Chris well enough to know if Chris cared about Joey or not, but it still hurt him to think that Justin might be right. He really needed to be alone.

“Go away,” he said, when the knocking stopped.

“Joey, we need to talk.” Chris’ voice was unmistakable, and it was then that Joey remembered that Chris was supposed to join them that night. Lance had chosen a bad night to have the group meeting, because now everyone was very definitely not in the mood to be friendly. “Please?”

The ‘please’ sounded so tentative that Joey couldn’t resist. He got up from the chair and opened the door. He couldn’t help but notice that Chris looked great, wearing a black turtleneck and pants. While Joey didn’t forget that the image consultants had done their work, he believed it was mostly Chris’ doing. Chris was beautiful.

“Hi, Chris,” he greeted, without enthusiasm.

“Joey.” Chris looked at him, his eyes filled with sadness. He touched Joey’s cheek, softly, before smiling. “Lance told me what happened. Justin is an idiot.”

At that, Joey couldn’t help but chuckle. “We’ve told him that a couple of times.”

“I mean it, Joe,” Chris whispered, as Joey let him in the room. “I don’t want to be in *N Sync, I never wanted to be in *N Sync, and I care a lot about you, a lot.”

“Chris, you don’t have to explain yourself,” Joey said. Even though he had left their group meeting quite depressed, it hadn’t been because of what Justin had said. He knew Chris cared about him. The truth was, he’d been hurt at realizing that two of his best friends weren’t even aware of what was going on in his life. He was starting to fall in love with Chris, and only Lance had noticed. Lance, who didn’t count, because he noticed everything.

“I don’t talk about you with Justin, because I know you’re not out,” Chris kept going, as if he hadn’t heard Joey. “And I knew that the minute I mentioned your name, Justin was going to figure out that I was more than a little interested in you. I’m sorry I gave him the wrong idea.”

“Chris, I…” Joey started to say, but Chris stopped him raising his hand.

“Look, Joey. I think we’ve had enough misunderstandings for a couple of months. Last time we saw each other, we had barely gone past the fact that we both wanted to talk to each other when we met. So, I’m going to be completely honest with you. I like you. I want to get to know you better. Even when everyone I know and care about, would tell me that it’s a bad idea to get involved with yet another closeted man, I don’t care. I want to try. I know you’re not like them. Not like Howard, and especially not like Daniel.”

“I’m not that closeted,” Joey said, stunned. “I mean, to the public, I am. But all the guys know, now. Lance didn’t tell you?”

“Wow. No. I… wow.” Chris shook his head, amazed. “He only told me that Justin wanted me to join the group and that he told you I couldn’t care less about your friendship. You told them? What happened? Why? What did they say?”

“I told JC before the meeting, Justin found at the meeting, and Lance has always known.” Joey looked at his hands. He was feeling self conscious, even now, after Chris had just told him he was interested. There were the shadows of Howie, and Daniel, both of them hanging over Chris. Joey didn’t know if he could measure up. “And even if he hadn’t known, I would’ve told them. I don’t want to hide it from around them anymore and, more importantly, I don’t want to hide my feelings for you.”

“Wow,” Chris repeated, blinking away tears of happiness. “No one ever did that for me. I don’t know what to say.”

“Don’t say anything.” Joey smiled, encouraged. “You said you wanted to try with me, I want to be with you. Sounds simple, right?”

“Right,” Chris chuckled, before getting serious. “Still, there are a couple of things you should know. I saw Howard last week; he invited me to his house. We talked about old times, and, well, we kissed.”

Chris’s lips kept moving after that, but Joey didn’t hear anything else he said. His mind was focused on one single phrase.

we kissed

That was it, he guessed. Chris was willing to try, as long as Joey understood that one day, Howie was going to come back. He couldn’t blame Chris. Howie was his one true love, as far as Joey understood the situation, and there was nothing Joey could do about that.

How did you compete with the guy whom your crush had waited more than five years for?

“And that’s when I realized the truth,” Chris finished, looking at Joey for an answer.

“I understand,” Joey sighed. He didn’t need to hear what Chris had said. He wasn’t going to ask for a repeat of ‘We can never be together’. “You love Howie, and I’m just a fling.”

“You didn’t hear a word of what I said, did you Joey?” Chris shook his head, a sad smile on his lips. But before Joey could answer, Chris seemed to reach a decision. He leaned forward, grabbed Joey’s neck and pulled him in for a kiss.

Joey barely had time to register Chris’s lips on his own before he felt Chris’s tongue teasing his open, and after that there was no time to think. He just let himself be lost in the kiss. A Kiss so much more deep and passionate than the first kiss they had shared, weeks before.

Chris’ lips tasted sweet, and Joey smiled into the kiss realizing that he tasted like a Jolly Rancher’s candy. The same candy he had seen Chris eating when they were in Albany. And Chris’s tongue was soft, daring, and so agile, that soon Joey didn’t have enough functioning brain cells to think.

When they parted, Joey was dazed. He wanted nothing more than to keep kissing Chris, but Chris stopped him, smiling.

“Now that I have your attention, I just want to tell you that I’m finally over Howard, and I’m pretty sure that I’m falling in love with you. Is that clear enough?”

“Crystal clear.”

* * *

“What did you just say, Kevin?” Nick frowned. Maybe he had fallen asleep outside the meeting room and was dreaming.

“Nick, I don’t think you have to hide your feelings for Justin from us,” Kevin repeated. He seemed completely serious, and Nick had to repress the impulse to bang his head against the wall.

“I’m not in love with Justin,” Nick said, slowly, to make Kevin understand. “He’s my friend, that’s all.”

Kevin looked at him with the kind of patient disbelief that he always had when he was waiting for Nick to confess something big. But really, Nick mused, this time there was nothing to confess.

“Nick, remember when you told us you were gay?” Kevin asked.

Nick nodded, because he would never forget that day. He had been fifteen, and he’d had a minor freakout because his mom, who, to this day, still didn’t know the truth, had been telling him that he could use the publicity of a girlfriend. So he had done the only thing he had been able to think of. He had gone to Kevin and Brian, and had come clean with them, so they could help him make his mom back off, without telling her the truth.

However, whatever point Kevin was trying to make was lost, when they both heard a glass crash to the floor.

Standing in the doorway of the meeting room, with a quickly drying pool of Coke and glass fragments at his feet, was AJ, his dark glasses lowered, and his eyes wide open.

“What do you mean, you’re gay?” AJ repeated, incredulous.

Nick closed his eyes. While he had not exactly been closeted, he had never actually told AJ or Howie, mostly because he had thought Kevin or Brian would tell them. And afterwards, well, it had become a non-issue because it wasn’t as if he had many dates.

He didn’t think AJ would have a big problem with it, since AJ was still friendly with Howie. What worried Nick was that AJ could think that no one had told him because they didn’t trust him.

Especially after the way in which Nick had been bugging Howie after they had learned Howie’s secret.

“AJ, this is not the time,” Kevin said, apparently trying to go for some damage control.

“The hell it’s not the time!” AJ yelled. Brian and Howie appeared behind him in the doorway, looking alarmed. “Why does no one ever tell me these things? Why am I the only one who doesn’t know Nick is gay?”

“If it’s any consolation, I didn’t know either,” Howie said, puzzled, looking at Brian, who was looking at Kevin with a mixture of surprise and disappointment, probably for revealing Nick’s secret.

Nick groaned. The last thing he needed right now was to cause a fight among his group, especially after getting into a fight with his best friend.

“Since when Nick is gay?” Howie asked.

* * *

Kissing Joey was a thousand times better than anything Chris had imagined. Even with his nervousness, even after the slight misunderstanding they had at first, Joey got with the program fairly quickly. It was almost heaven.

But before they could really get into it, as Chris wanted, as Joey most obviously wanted, if what Chris was feeling was any indication, Chris knew they had other things to deal with. With great effort, he managed to separate himself from Joey, who looked at him expectantly.

“We need to talk to JC, Joey,” Chris said, very serious. He was not going to go to bed until he had, at least, tried to resolve part of the misunderstanding Justin had caused.

“I guess you’re right,” Joey sighed. Chris could tell that Joey wasn’t exactly thrilled with the idea. “Although, I’m not sure he’ll want to talk to me now.”

“Why not?” Chris didn’t know the full story, yet. Lance had told him what happened, but it had been more a group of bullet points, as though Chris were receiving formal minutes from a meeting. Lance’s take on JC’s problem had been ‘he might think that you were in agreement with Justin’. That didn’t give Chris much information to work on.

“I told you, I came out to him earlier,” Joey sighed. “He didn’t quite believe me until we were arguing with Justin, which was when he declared that I am…”

Joey trailed off, but Chris didn’t say anything. He knew that if Joey wanted to tell him, he would.

“I wasn’t planning to tell you like this, but if we’re going to talk to JC, it’s going to come out,” Joey continued after a moment. He looked hopeful. “I think I’m falling in love with you, too. I know it’s totally sudden and you probably think I’m crazy, but this isn’t just physical. And he figured that out, just when things exploded at the meeting.”

Chris was speechless. Part of him was telling himself not to believe Joey’s words. People just didn’t fall in love with him. He could believe in lust, sure, he and Daniel had a lot of that. He could believe in growing used to someone; Howard had grown used to him, despite everything. Chris knew that, he knew that people didn’t fall in love with him, no matter how much he wished they did. But another part of him, a smaller, but really insistent part of him, was yelling at him to trust in Joey. Just trust him.

Howie had never said those exact words to Chris. It had always been ‘You know how I feel for you’, or some other corny phrase, worthy of a romance novel. When Howard had been daring, he would tell him in Spanish, ‘Te quiero’, but Chris knew enough Spanish to know that it didn’t quite mean ‘I love you’. Daniel said the words freely, but usually only during, or after a passionate round of sex. Chris’ mom had always told him not to trust words said then, because it was easy to confuse desire with love.

Joey hadn’t exactly said that he loved Chris, but he said that he was getting there. That alone, was enough to make Chris’ heart beat wildly inside his chest.

Joey was willing to be open with his affections, had risked his friends’ rejection for *Chris*. That was enough to make Chris want to believe that what Joey was saying was the truth.

“I’m not an easy person to love,” he settled on saying. “I know I have issues, and issues on top of my issues. That night at the Little Cabaret, I would’ve told you I didn’t believe in love.”

Joey nodded, sadly, but Chris stilled him, putting his hand on Joey’s cheek. Smiling, he leaned in closer for a soft kiss, a kiss that soon started to become deeper as he couldn’t help himself, and he started nibbling on Joey’s lower lip.

Joey smiled against his lips, and followed suit, his hands finding their way under Chris’ turtleneck sweater and the shirt he was wearing under it.

It was getting really hot in the room.

“In the past few months, you’ve got me thinking, Joe,” Chris said, ending the kiss and looking directly into Joey’s eyes. “I can’t make promises, but I’m pretty sure I’m falling in love with you, too.”

“Baby steps, then?” Joey laughed, leaning over Chris. His eyes sparkled with love and desire, and Chris didn’t want to be anywhere that wasn’t in that hotel room, wasn’t that precise moment. “I have to kiss you good night and see you in the morning?”

“I think we can move on to walking, since we both know what we want.” Chris felt Joey’s smile against his lips, and he couldn’t stop himself from licking Joey’s lips. Things could be all right between them now. He was opening his mouth, ready for a new kiss when the creak of the door opening, interrupted them.

“Oh! Oh, sorry, guys. Don’t mind me.” JC was half way down the corridor by the time Joey got up from the bed to call him. Chris smiled, watching his boyfriend going after JC. His boyfriend. He smiled as he thought about that. They hadn’t talked about it, but it felt right to think about Joey as his boyfriend. Now things had to get better. He just knew it.

“JC, come on in. We were going to go looking for you, anyway.” Joey’s voice could be heard from the hallway, and soon enough he came back, escorting JC inside the room. “Chris knows about the group meeting.”

“Really?” JC lifted an eyebrow, a little suspicious. Chris didn’t blame him. Apparently, Justin had managed to make a mess out of things.

“The highlights,” Chris said. He took a deep breath, because he knew he was going to need patience. “Justin was wrong. I have nothing to do with *N Sync, I don’t want to be part of the group, and I have no idea why he thought I would.”

“Joey said something like that,” JC said, still not looking convinced. “Lance, too.”

“What can I do to prove to you they’re right?” Chris asked. He was serious. Short of leaving Joey, Chris was ready to do anything to prove to JC that he had no interest in stealing their success.

“Convince Justin,” JC answered without a pause. He looked as if he had been thinking about it for a long time. “As long as Justin thinks you’re somehow angry at losing your chance, he’ll keep trying. Then it won’t matter what you or I want; everyone will believe that you´re the one responsible for all what we did. But if Justin stops, then everything will be all right. People will see you as something separate from *N Sync, and that’ll be fine.”

* * *

Howie wasn’t in the mood to listen while Kevin, AJ and Nick argued about Nick’s love life, or lack there of, so he just sighed, and went back into the meeting room.

He had been counting on the meeting to take his mind off of Chris, but he had found it was useless.

“Are you ok?” Brian’s voice cut through his thoughts. His friend was standing in the doorway, watching him carefully.

“I’m fine,” Howie answered. The last thing the guys needed now was to deal with his troubles. More so because he was sure that they would agree that it was just his own damn fault.

“You look as if someone has run over your puppy.” Brian sat down next to him. Of all members of the group, Brian had said the least about Howie’s lack of tact with Chris. He had just followed Kevin’s cues and dealt, mostly, with Nick. “Wanna talk about it?”

Howie opened his mouth to say that ‘no, he didn’t want to talk about any of his problems’, when he realized that wasn’t true. He needed to talk to someone, and the only reason he hadn’t, was because he thought that no one would want to listen. AJ had been his sounding board so far, but the last time they had spoken, Howie had been so sure he could win Chris over again, and he didn’t want to admit to AJ that his plan had utterly failed.

“It’s Chris,” he said, closing his eyes. “We’re friends again.”

“But that’s not what you wanted,” Brian guessed, and Howie nodded.

“I really thought I could win him back,” Howie confessed, covering his face with his hands. “I know I was an idiot, I know I should’ve acted differently back when I left him but even so… I hoped I could fix my stupid mistake.”

“What’s so bad about being his friend?” Brian’s voice was soothing, and Howie had to force himself to think about that.

“You two started as friends, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Then, what happened?” Brian sounded honestly curious.

“I don’t know,” Howie laughed, remembering. “One day, we just clicked. I don’t even know how we went from being friends to being lovers. But I panicked.”

“Because you thought you were straight,” Brian nodded, but Howie couldn’t lie to him.

“No. Because I was afraid someone would discover that I wasn’t.” He didn’t feel any pride regarding his ability to keep everyone in the dark about his preferences. While Howie knew that he had a lot of good reasons to keep his bisexuality a secret, now he was learning that not everyone he knew had to be lied to.

“And now? Do you want him back because you really want him back, or because letting him go, would be admitting that you were wrong back then?” Howie turned to look at Brian, and to his surprise, he discovered that Brian didn’t look as if he was judging him. In fact, it looked like if he understood perfectly, and his question was a valid one.

Did he really still love Chris?

“What would you do in my place?” Howie asked, he thought he knew the answer, but part of him still wished that he could take the other option.

“If Leighanne was the one who had moved on?” Brian smiled, thoughtfully. “I would let her go. When you love someone, you want them to be happy, even if you won’t be.”

Howie nodded, sadly. Brian was right. He had to be strong, and let Chris go, even if that meant letting him go into Joey Fatone’s arms.

“That said, if she asked me to still be her friend,” Brian continued. “I would honestly try to make that work. Because, in the end, I value her friendship more than anything.”

Howie looked at Brian, thoughtful. His friend was right. The one thing he had missed the most about those six years, had been Chris’s friendship. The relationship had been great, but their fights near the end, had spoiled some of his memories. But their friendship had been strong. Strong enough, that Chris was willing to give it another chance.

With that thought, Howie smiled. He might have lost his chance at a new romance, but he was not going to lose Chris’ friendship again.

* * *

Chris didn’t wait until morning to go and look for Justin. JC was right; they couldn’t let Justin keep believing his plan could happen. After saying good night to JC, and promising Joey that they could continue their conversation later, in Chris’s room, he went straight to the room that Lance and Justin were sharing.

Even if JC hadn’t asked, he would’ve talked to his old friend. Justin had to understand, somehow, that Chris didn’t envy his good fortune. If Chris couldn’t make Justin see that, sooner or later, Justin was going to do something that would ruin his friendships with the other guys, and no amount of talking would be able to fix them.

He knocked on the door, and Justin opened it almost immediately. He looked at Chris anxiously for a moment, before sighing and letting him in.

“You come to yell at me, too?” he asked, resigned. Chris sighed. He wasn’t looking forward this particular discussion. “Big surprise. Everyone else has already done it, so you’re the only one missing.”

“No,” Chris shook his head, smiling a little. “I came here to talk about all the things you’ve been doing; and to thank you.”

Justin looked at him as if he had grown another head. “Thank me? No way. Everyone thinks I’ve been trying to ruin your life, there’s no way you’re thanking me for that.”

“I’m not going to lie to you, Justin,” Chris said, waiting until Justin took a seat on one of the beds, to sit on the other. “I was really pissed when Lance told me what happened. I don’t like people making decisions for me. But later, when I was talking to Joey, I realized that you didn’t do it because you wanted to control my life. You did it because you wanted to help. And that makes a big difference to me.”

“So, you’re not angry anymore?” Justin asked, looking hopeful.

“It’s going to take a while for me to stop feeling annoyed, J,” Chris answered, truthfully. “You’re not the first person to decide that I don’t know what to do with my life, although you’re the first one who actually did it because he wants to help. You could’ve asked me, what I wanted, before starting to piss everyone off, though.”

“But you just were going to tell me to stop doing it,” Justin whispered. “And I… I just want you to be with us. Like we had planned.”

“J, I didn’t plan for *N Sync to happen.” Chris moved to sit next to Justin. “I told you I wanted to start a group, but you were the one who got the guys together, and all of you worked your asses off to make it work. If I hadn’t said anything, you guys would still be *N Sync, and you guys would still be great.”

Justin didn’t answer for a long time, looking at his hands with what seemed to be great interest.

“Justin, you’re not mad at me for not wanting the same things you want, are you?” Chris asked, almost whispering. He knew Justin wasn’t a fifteen-year-old anymore, but sometimes, it was easy to forget that. Chris blamed this on his students. Justin acted very much like them.

“Not really,” Justin whispered. “I just thought you wanted it, too. Like, you love music, and, I really wanted the chance to hang out with you again.”

Chris shook his head, unable to hide his amusement. Maybe this all was because Justin’s closest friends were three other guys who practically lived on top of him. From what he had come to understand, the life of an international pop star didn’t leave much time for socializing or meeting new people. Chris realized that Justin, honestly, thought that if they weren’t in the same group, traveling on the same tour bus, they couldn’t be friends.

“I’m going to open for you guys, so you’ll get tired of me by the time the tour ends,” Chris said, punching Justin on the shoulder, softly, the way he used to do back when they first knew each other. “And after that, you’ve got my cell phone, I’ve got your cell phone. We’ll see each other. I’m not disappearing from your life again.”

That earned him a small smile from Justin, but the smile quickly turned into a frown. “The others hate me now. I said some pretty stupid things.”

“I know.” Chris nodded. “But Lance doesn’t hate you as much as he’s disappointed at you, JC will forgive you, if you apologize to him, and Joey… well, he knows why you said what you said. He also knows it’s not true.”

Justin raised his head, startled. Chris could see the sudden understanding in Justin’s eyes, and knew he hadn’t missed Chris’s meaning. Minutes before he and Joey had decided that Chris would tell Justin about their relationship, because Joey wouldn’t be able to talk to Justin rationally, at the moment. He was still too hurt over Justin’s careless remarks. The fact that Joey trusted him to out him to one of his friends warmed Chris’s heart, even though he wished things could have been different.

“Well, yeah, it’s not true. He’s your friend too, right?” Justin said, and Chris sighed. This was the hard part, making Justin *see*.

“Yeah, but he’s also more than just a friend, J.” Chris braced himself for Justin’s reaction.

“You and Joey?” Justin asked, surprised.

“Me and Joey,” Chris agreed. “Hopefully, for a long time.”

“You and Joey,” Justin repeated, as if he was getting used to the idea. “JC said something about it. I just, man, wow. Never saw that coming.”

“Neither did we, if that helps any,” Chris joked. Things weren’t perfect, but he could see that they had at least some common ground to work with. “Look, Justin, I don’t want you to think that I’m not grateful to you for sending Johnny to hear me, because if you hadn’t, I would’ve been franticly trying to find a job right now, but don’t do it again, ok? At least not without asking me first.”

“I won’t, I promise,” Justin sighed. Chris could see that he wasn’t totally convinced, but he decided to let it go for now. Hopefully, between the group meeting and what Chris had just told him, Justin would finally understand.

* * *

“How did he take the news?” JC asked, as soon as Chris opened the door, startling Chris.

“Better than expected,” Chris answered, blinking. “What are you doing in my room?”

“This room only has one bed,” JC said, apparently out of nowhere. Chris blinked. Lance and Emily had warned him about JC’s tendency to jump from one subject to another with no apparent reason.

“That happens when only one person is supposed to sleep here.” Chris didn’t move from his spot at the door. JC was confusing him.

“Well, yeah. And I know that if Joey came to talk here, you guys would only need *one* bed. But having two makes it easier to find room to sleep after leaving a wet spot or two,” JC said, laying down on the bed. “Besides, it makes it easier if he doesn’t have to sneak back to the room in the morning.”

“I would have to sneak back here anyway,” Chris pointed out, smiling. It was touching that JC was doing all this as a very obvious show of support for Joey.

“Joey likes to wake up early, I like to sleep late. We changed rooms so I could get that extra hour,” JC said, as if that explained everything, and shooed Chris out with his hand. “We took your stuff to the other room while you talked with Justin.”

Chris smiled as he closed the door. It was a nice feeling, to know that all of Joey’s friends were happy for them.

* * *

Everyone had gone downstairs to have breakfast, so Justin decided to take advantage of the relative privacy of his room. He hadn’t slept much the night before. Between talking to Chris, then apologizing to Lance and finally, thinking until almost dawn about all that had happened, his head was too busy to actually sleep.

He had apologized to Joey before he and Chris went down to the restaurant with Lance. Apparently, they had spent the night together, since both had big, happy grins on their faces, that no one could miss. Justin was only missing two apologies, but JC hadn’t woken up yet, so that only left Nick.

Justin only hoped Nick would answer the phone, knowing it was him who was calling.

At the fourth ring, his prayers were answered.

“Hey, what’s up?” Nick sounded quite normal, and Justin bit his lip. This was their usual routine whenever they fought over the phone. Nick would pretend nothing was wrong until Justin broached the subject.

“You were right,” Justin mumbled quickly, he didn’t want to drag the conversation out. “Chris never wanted to join *N Sync and I managed to piss everyone off.”

“Ouch.” Nick didn’t push the matter, which was strange. After all the time they’d spent arguing over Justin’s plans, he would’ve thought Nick would have more to say. “Is everything all right now, or do you need to hide out on a Backstreet Boy’s bus? Because I have a bus of my own now, if you want it.”

“Chris fixed my mess,” Justin admitted, a little ashamed. He knew that if Chris hadn’t talked to everyone before talking to him, they would all still be angry. They would have probably ignored him, and, to be fair, he would’ve ignored them too. “So I called to tell you that you were right, I am an idiot, and you can remind me of that the next time I have a brilliant plan like this one.”

“Hey, it wasn’t that bad of a plan.” Nick, apparently, was finding the situation amusing. “Besides, I might need another one of your plans soon.”

“Why? What happened?” Justin frowned. Nick didn’t usually need his help. It was usually the other way around.

“Kevin thinks I’m in love with you.”

“No way,” Justin blurted out. “Why does he think that?”

“It doesn’t matter why he thinks it,” Nick dismissed him. “What matters is that if I don’t think of a way of convincing him it’s not true, he’ll give you the ‘don’t hurt our baby brother’ speech next time he sees you.”

“Isn’t that speech the reason why you’ve never looked for a boyfriend?”

“No, it’s the reason why I don’t *have* a boyfriend. And it’s going to get worse.”

“I don’t think I can imagine something worse than Brian Littrell and Kevin Richardson as overprotective older brothers.” Actually, Justin could imagine something worse, and that was Chris when he remembered that Lance might be dating Molly, but he wasn’t going to tell Nick that.

“Try Brian, Kevin, Howie *and* AJ,” Nick sighed. “They all know now. AJ wasn’t exactly thrilled to know that I told Kevin five years ago, and never thought about telling him.”

“That sounds bad,” Justin bit his lower lip trying to think. “Well, I don’t know what you told Kevin to make him believe that. Just to be clear, you’re not in love with me, are you?”

“You wish, Timberlake,” Nick laughed. “You know perfectly well what I like.”

Justin knew. He had known since the first night they had gotten drunk together. After a couple of drinks, Nick became really talkative, and thanks to that Justin knew far too much about gay sex than a heterosexual man needed to.

“Short of getting a real boyfriend, I don’t know what could convince them,” Justin said. “But if I think of something, I’ll let you know.”

“You do that. Wait a second,” Nick muttered something softly, so Justin guessed he was talking to someone else. “J, Howie wants to know when Chris will make his debut.”

“Howie is a little too late,” Justin said before he could stop himself. Joey and Chris’s relationship was not his secret to tell. “Tonight why?”

“He wants to know if you could get us a couple of tickets for your show. We have nothing to do for a week or so, and well, he wants to offer moral support.”

“I’ll have to ask around,” Justin answered quickly. While he had no problems inviting Nick, he wasn’t sure if Joey and Chris would like to have Howie there. “I’ll call you later.”

“You do that,” Nick said, and hung up.

* * *

The night arrived far too early for Chris’s liking.

He felt as if he had only just had breakfast, sitting next to Joey and joking around with Lance, when Theresa and Michael, *N Sync’s stage manager, came to pick them up to leave for the stadium where the concert was going to be held. While the guys didn’t need to be there, they all decided to accompany them to offer Chris moral support as the stage manager explained to Chris how things were going to work.

Chris had rehearsed in Orlando, on a mock stage they had set up, and he had his songs ready, but that hadn’t really prepared him for the size of the actual venue. He had seen one of the guys’ shows, but the size of the stage still awed him. It looked very different on the stage, than from down there, just watching the show.

“Oh, God, don’t let me fuck this up,” he muttered, standing on the crystal platform that made up the edge of the stage. They weren’t letting people inside yet, so he still had a few minutes to get himself ready.

“Don’t worry, you will be great.” Joey came to him, hugging him from behind. Chris had to resist the impulse of struggle. All morning, Joey had been affectionate with him, hugging him all the time. At first, Chris had worried about it. He still remembered how Daniel could be about touching in public, and he knew that Joey had much more to lose than Daniel if the truth of their relationship were discovered. They had talked a little about how they were going to act in public, but after all that had happened that night, Chris had felt content with falling asleep in Joey’s arms. Joey, Lance and JC had eased Chris’s worries in the morning, explaining that Joey had *always* been that way with everyone. It would be strange if Joey *didn’t* hug Chris.

“You’re sure? I don’t think I’ve ever done anything like this.” Chris looked at the empty stadium, trying to picture it full.

He couldn’t.

“Of course you have. It’ll be just like at the Cauldron, but with more people.” Joey told him, leaning on is shoulder.

“At least this time I’m far enough away, that if anyone wants to throw a bottle at me, it won’t reach the stage.” Chris was only half-joking. He was still terrified at the quantity of people they could hold in the stadium.

“People usually don’t throw their drinks at these concerts,” Joey whispered into his ear. “They’re too expensive.”

“They might not throw them at you,” Chris pointed out. “You’re Joey Fatone from *N Sync. I’m no one, so it’s like painting a target on my back.”

“We actually have jackets with targets painted on.” Lance came towards them, smiling. “But so far, no one has taken them as an invitation.”

“Don’t tempt us, we could do it, you know?”

Everyone turned around at the new voice, surprised. Chris bit back a gasp as Joey’s hold tightened for a second.

Standing at the edge of the stage, smiling warmly, were Nick, AJ and Howie, followed by Justin, who just shrugged at them, as if no explanation was needed as to why three Backstreet Boys were standing on *N Sync’s stage.


	18. The Rock Show

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chris’ debut has finally arrived, but there’s still some troubles brewing in the horizon. Namely, what’s going on with Backstreet?

“Don’t tempt us, we could do it, you know?”

Everyone turned around at the new voice, surprised. Chris bit back a gasp as Joey’s embrace tightened for a second.

Standing near the edge of the stage, smiling warmly, were Nick, AJ and Howie, followed by Justin, who just shrugged at them as if that explained why three Backstreet Boys were standing on *N Sync’s stage.

“Howard, hi,” Chris was the first one to recover from the surprise, just as Joey let him go. “Nick, ah…”

“AJ,” AJ re-introduced himself, lowering his glasses to look pointedly at Joey, who still stood behind Chris. “You can call me moral support, too.”

“Moral support?” Joey repeated, not so subtly putting one of his hands on Chris’s shoulder.

“Didn’t Justin tell you?” Nick frowned, looking sideways at his friend before returning his attention to Chris and Joey. “We wanted to see Chris’ first show.”

“Justin didn’t say anything.” JC came up from the other side of the stage.

Suddenly, Chris couldn’t help but feel that he was in some sort of stand off. All that was missing were the other two Backstreet Boys. He could see that the tension between both groups hadn’t disappeared.

“Yeah, well, I kind of wanted it to be a surprise for Chris, you know, to make up for all the things I did.” Justin said that with certainty, but Chris couldn’t help but wonder if that was all there was to the story.

His relationship with Joey was too new, and he had barely said goodbye to Howard just a couple of weeks ago. He thought that this particular meeting could have waited a bit longer.

“Well, I am surprised,” he said, smiling, while moving closer to the others, to greet them.

Joey stayed close behind him, and Chris could feel the tension coming from the other man. Chris was going to strangle Justin, if this was yet another of the younger man’s plans to get him to join *N Sync. Not because it could really affect him, but because it was hurting Joey. And probably Howard, once Howard realized that he and Joey were together. “I thought you guys were on your own tour.”

“We don’t really start until September,” Howard explained softly, and Chris knew that Howard had seen the way Joey had been hugging him, and now knew the truth. But there was something in the way he looked at them, smiling warmly, that told Chris that Howard was coming to terms with it.

It felt strange, being the one with a new life instead of the one left behind after a relationship ended. Chris wanted to tell Howard that things would be better in time, but that was an empty phrase. When Howard had left him, Chris had been devastated. He had needed six years, one abusive boyfriend, the sudden re-appearance of Howard, Justin and music coming into his life to finally let go of the pain Howard had caused him by leaving. He couldn’t tell Howard that the pain would pass, eventually. That was something Howard had to discover on his own.

“I’m glad you guys are here.” Joey surprised Chris by grinning and offering his hand to Howard. “This way, you can help us block the exits, in case Chris decides to try to run away before he has to perform.”

* * *

Joey didn’t usually pay attention to the opening shows at their concerts. He was too busy making sure everything worked perfectly, especially things like getting into his harness safely. This time, however, he just stood on the edge of the upper railing to hear Chris.

It was still a little more than 45 minutes before they had to start their own show, so Joey wanted to relax. Chris was the last of three opening acts, and even though everyone had told him that things were going to work out fine, he was still nervous. Joey knew he wasn’t the only one; they all were anxious for different reasons.

After the show, he was going to find out just what Justin had been thinking when he invited Howie to come see the show.

Chris’ set started with a fast, upbeat song called Choosing Life. Joey had heard it a couple of times, and he knew it was something Chris had been working for the last two years, between school and his gigs in the Cauldron.

In a way, Joey envied Chris a little, because from the first moment that Chris sat down to talk with Johnny, it had been clear that Chris was going to be working mostly with his own material. Chris had recorded a couple of slow ballads written by someone else, and one song written by JC, but the rest of the album was just Chris’ own songs, the ones he had composed during those six years.

Then she left, words unsaid,  
I was alone facing a choice,  
Living for me, living for her.

That, however, was different. Joey had heard that song before, and now he wondered if Johnny had asked him to change the pronouns in the love songs, or if Chris had been the one who made the change.

Choosing Life ended to a huge round of applause, and under the lights Joey could see Chris letting out a relieved sigh.

“Hello, everyone.” Chris’ clear voice rang across the stadium. “I’m Chris Kirkpatrick, and I’d like to thank you all for being here. I know that you’re here to see *N Sync, and I don’t blame you; their show is something to see. Oh, and the music is good, too.”

The audience laughed and Joey smiled. Chris was nervous, he had stammered a couple of times, but he kept going. By the time the four song set ended, Chris had them all in his pocket.

Joey looked at his friends, smiling; JC and Lance, who were already getting into their harnesses, seemed happy for Chris. Justin’s smile was a little forced, but Joey didn’t blame the kid. Justin was finally realizing that his dream was never going to come true.

But Joey didn’t had much time to consider that, as the lights went out and Chris left the stage to an amazing ovation. In a few moments, they would be lowered from the ceiling, and Joey had to concentrate completely on giving one hundred percent, just as Chris had just done.

* * *

Howie paid no attention to *N Sync’s big entrance. He was too busy waiting for Chris and he had seen *N Sync’s concerts before, and while he admitted that their rivals had outdone themselves in the props department, he wasn’t in the mood to start analyzing their act. That was Nick or AJ’s job. He was here to see Chris, and to see if his ex was happy.

He had talked to Brian about it, and Howie knew his friend was right. Even if he had lost his chance with Chris, Howie could still salvage their friendship. Or at least, he could try.

*N Sync were finishing their first song when Chris made his way to the VIP zone where Howie, AJ and Nick were seated, along with Dre, from *N Sync’s security. He had changed his sweater, and was now wearing a simple white t-shirt and a denim vest. Although Howie thought he looked incredibly good, he didn’t dare say it out loud. After all, he was trying to keep Chris’ friendship. He didn’t want Chris to believe he was hitting on him.

“Did I miss much?” Chris asked, standing between Howie and Nick.

Nick wasn’t listening to them, he was too busy gawking at Justin. Howie knew that there was a lot more to the discussion Kevin and Nick had in the aisle of the recording studio. No matter how much Nick denied it, he was in love with Justin.

Howie knew what a man in love looked like.

“No, you… ah, they’ve just sung one song,” Howie muttered.

He was going through opening lines in his mind, trying to figure out what to say, but every single opening line sounded to him as if he was trying to pick up their relationship from where it had ended.

He was sure Chris was going to hate him by the end of the night.

“I’ll have to go and see one of your concerts one of these days,” Chris yelled into his ear.

Howie guessed he had tried to whisper, but with the screams of everyone around them, it was hard to speak normally. He figured they were lucky no one had recognized them. He looked back at the stage, and *N Sync was finishing the first song, and launching into the next one, no pauses in between.

Now, Howie didn’t kept track of *N Sync’s songs, so he couldn’t be faulted for what happened next. He just turned get Chris’ attention; pretty sure that he knew how to answer without sounding as if he was trying to seduce Chris.

“Well, Chris, I…” he didn’t get further than that. Because in that precise moment *N Sync sang the first line of the song.

I Want You Back.

Howie blushed, deep red, hoping that in the darkness, Chris wouldn’t notice. “I think we can get you tickets, whenever you’re free,” he finished, quite aware that it was a pretty lame rescue.

Chris studied Howie carefully, but then he just smiled and turned his attention to the stage.

“I’d like that,” Chris said. “Are your concerts like this?”

“The fans scream louder!” Nick said, laughing, before Howie could answer. AJ didn’t say anything. He just lowered his dark glasses and looked pointedly at Howie, as if Howie was to blame that they were here.

Which, granted, was the truth. But still, Howie didn’t see why AJ was complaining. Nick and AJ had never seen an *N Sync concert live, it could be a good experience.

“Johnny was our manager first,” Howie explained, trying to keep any rancor from his voice. “So, you know, the styles are similar. It’s the music that’s different, but most of the things *N Sync do, we did them first in some way or another. Their management, their record label, it’s like us, just a couple of years later…”

Howie trailed off, horrified when he realized what he what he was saying could also be applied to Chris, Joey and himself. He had been Chris’ lover before Joey.

Behind Chris, Nick shook his head, snickering. It was just a good thing the fans were so loud, or Chris would’ve heard.

Howie was pretty sure he was digging himself a hole so deep it would be necessary to call a rescue team to get him out, but he couldn’t help it. Every little thing that came to his mind came back to the fact that he still wanted Chris.

“It’s ok, Howie, you can relax,” Chris said suddenly, when the song ended. “I know you don’t mean it in a bad way.”

“What do you mean?” Howie asked, trying to sound nonchalant.

“We were friends before we started dating,” Chris explained, his eyes still focused on the stage; on Joey. “And if we want to keep our friendship, we can’t walk on eggshells around each other, can we? So don’t worry, relax. Things will be easier for both of us like that.”

Howie smiled. It was not easy to forget that Chris had minored in psychology, not when he sometimes let out such pearls of wisdom. And he was right. If he kept trying to figure out what to say that wouldn’t be misunderstood by Chris, their conversations would be very short.

It was easier to just have faith that Chris wouldn’t purposely misunderstand him. That Chris would understand that, no matter what, Howie respected his choices.

He glanced back at the stage, just in time to watch *N Sync being raised to the sky on small, individual platforms.

“Ok, that? We never did anything like it,” he admitted and was rewarded by Chris’ clear laughter.

Brian had been right, all along. If he worked hard enough, Chris’ friendship would be the best reward for his efforts.

It was just a matter of time.

And Howie was surprised to find that deep down, he really thought that Chris’s friendship was good enough.

* * *

“Lance, can we talk?”

Lance nodded at JC, and hung up his cellphone.

It had been a week since the almost cataclysmic argument among them, since Chris had joined the tour, and Joey’s happy announcement that he and Chris were dating. According to Lance’s calculations, it was about the time for the next crisis.

“Sure, JC. What’s wrong?” he asked.

He was pretty sure that JC was not going to go on about Chris’ devious plan to join *N Sync. A week had been more than enough to convince JC that it was not going to happen, but knowing JC, it could be anything.

“Justin,” JC said. “He’s been quite depressed since Chris talked to him.”

Lance nodded. It wasn’t obvious right away, but JC was right. Justin was putting up a brave front for everyone else, but he kept a lot to himself when they were on the buses. He joked with everyone, he still talked to all of them, but there was something bitter behind everything he did.

“Well, how would you feel if your goal of years simply vanished?” Lance asked, after a while. “He was dead set on making us a five member group. I don’t blame him for being disappointed it didn’t happen.”

“I never thought he would take it this badly.” JC sat down next to Lance. They were alone in the bus, since Justin shared the other one with Joey. Chris traveled with the crew, but more often than not, he was with Joey and Justin.

“How would you take it, if it had been your dream?” Lance asked, looking thoughtful. “Justin really wanted to sing with Chris. We took that away from him, so he’s obviously depressed. He’ll get over it.”

“You think?” JC looked out the window. Lance could practically see the wheels in his head turning. “I guess you’re right. But what will we do if he doesn’t?”

And that was a very good question. As angry as they had been with Justin, he was still their friend, and none of them liked to see him depressed.

“We’ll see,” Lance said, finally. “If he doesn’t get better in a week, we’ll talk to Joey and Chris.”

* * *

“Howard wants to invite us to a Backstreet Boys concert,” Chris said, suddenly, one day when they had gone back to the hotel after yet another successful show. While the room arrangement still called for Joey and JC to share a room, JC usually switched rooms with Chris, after the staff had left.

“Their tour starts as ours is ending, so I guess we could arrange that,” Joey said, trying to keep his voice neutral.

They had been officially going out for three weeks now, or at least, as officially as they could with only Chris’ sisters, and the guys, knowing about it. Joey figured that their bodyguards knew, since it was hard not to notice that Chris was always with him. To everyone else, it was a secret.

“Has Howard said anything to you?” Chris asked, hugging him from behind. Joey leaned into the embrace, smiling. They hugged and joked around outside, where everyone could see them, it wasn’t until they were completely alone, that he could honestly relax, and let himself enjoy Chris’ affection.

“Not really,” Joey said, half-truthful. “He just asked me not to hurt you.”

That was a lie, of course. When Howie and the other Backstreet Boys had come to see Chris’ debut, Howie had asked Joey for a private talk after the concert, while everyone was congratulating Chris.

Joey was never going to forget that little conversation.

“What do you want, Howie?” he had asked.

“What are you doing with Chris?” Howie hadn’t wasted time, getting straight to the point. That was to be admired, Joey supposed. “He doesn’t like to be played with.”

“Not that it’s any of your business, but I’m dating him, not playing.” Joey wasn’t looking for a fight, but he wasn’t going to let Howie lecture him. Not when Howie had been the one who had caused Chris so much pain in the past.

“Well, excuse me for not believing that the self-proclaimed womanizer of *N Sync, all of a sudden, decides to explore the joys of gay sex. I’m not going to let you hurt Chris.”

“Not everyone is like you,” Joey had been ready, right then and there, to punch Howie. The only thing that stopped him was the knowldge that, probably, neither Chris nor PR would appreciate it, if the next paparazzi headline read, “Backstreet’s Out of Sync” or some other lame pun like that. “I love Chris, and I’m not going to do anything that hurts him.”

“If you say so,” Howie had finally accepted. “Just let me tell you something, if you ever hurt him, if you ever let him go, I’ll be there to pick up the pieces. And if Chris gives me a second chance, I won’t be so stupid as to ruin it again.”

“I don’t believe you,” Chris’ voice brought Joey back to the present. Chris was smiling, kissing his neck softly. “I’m pretty sure he told you something more.”

“Maybe,” Joey finally relented. “But it’s ok. We won’t be dueling at dawn for your honor, I swear.”

“You don’t mind that I still want to be Howard’s friend, do you?” Chris asked, and Joey could hear a bit of the old insecurity back in his boyfriend’s voice. He knew Daniel had hated the mere mention of Howie’s name, and he knew that Chris had been in love with Howie’s memory for a very long time.

But he also knew that he couldn’t be bothered by his boyfriend’s past. Chris was with him now. Not only that, but when presented with the choice between a, possible relationship with Joey and something sure with Howie, Chris had chosen Joey.

That was more than enough for him.

“No, I don’t,” Joey said, turning around to kiss Chris. And while there were a lot more things to be said about the subject, Joey preferred to distract Chris. The less he tried to explain why he wasn’t jealous of Howie, the better. Because he had no way to explain to Chris that, while Joey was sure that Chris was no longer in love with Howie, he wasn’t that sure about Howie’s feelings regarding Chris. And discussing Howie’s feelings, or, what Joey thought were Howie’s feelings, was not fair to the other man. More importantly, it was not Joey’s business, unless Howie chose to share their conversation with Chris.

Instead, Joey chose to wait. If Howie said something else to the effect of Joey leaving Chris, then Joey would talk to Chris. But if Howie let the matter lie, Joey could try and work to be Howie’s friend, for Chris’ sake.

* * *

Two weeks after his debut, opening for *N Sync, Chris’ single was aired on the radio for the first time. After a lot of meetings, Johnny and Chris had decided to promote Choosing Life, and Chris was still surprised when he heard his own voice while flipping through stations on the road.

He had gotten used to his new routine, the one that included calling his sisters every three days, no matter if he was on the road, or staying at a hotel, just to hear the latest news. He missed them terribly, and they missed him too, so every three days he spent as much time as he could, getting up to date with everything. Kate’s new boss at the store, Emily’s grades, Taylor’s growing vocabulary, and Molly’s daily adventures as the newly appointed head of the house. They also kept him informed of how things were going at school (‘Everyone misses you; Mr. Murgia is an ass’, Emily happily reported), and at the Cauldron, where apparently they kept a close watch on *N Sync’s concerts, to know when Chris was opening for them. He also figured out that Molly and Lance’s relationship had progressed somehow, as, according to Kate, Molly got a daily phone call from Lance. It was hard to notice that, because Lance was always talking on the phone whenever they were not at a concert, or at an interview, and Chris had figured out, fairly quickly, that at least fifty percent of the time, Lance was talking to Molly.

He, Joey, and JC had a betting pool going about how long it would take Lance to realize that he was dating Molly. Chris still didn’t like the idea of his sister dating anyone, but he figured Lance was a better prospect than most.

His first interview was a complete surprise for him. He knew Theresa was working on getting him publicity, he knew that sooner or later he would have to do an interview. The actual interview, done a couple of hours before *N Sync’s concert in Houston, caught him so unaware, that even hours later he still wasn’t sure it had actually happened. When, after the concert, Theresa came in smiling like a shark about to eat a small fish, he was as surprised as the rest of the group.

“I want everyone to listen to this,” Theresa said, putting a CD into the player she had brought with her.

Theresa’s sudden announcement took them all by surprise. After the concert, they went to the hotel, before making plans for the night. Usually, Chris and Joey chose to stay in, maybe watch a movie on PPV, but that night they had been thinking of going out with the others.

“What is it?” Justin sat on the edge of his bed. He seemed happier now, but Chris still saw him frowning at times, when people congratulated Chris for the way things were going.

“Just listen, then you may ask questions.” Theresa shushed him with her hand, and hit play.

“And right here in the studio with us we have a very special guest; he’s Chris Kirkpatrick, who is just launching his first single this week. Hi, Chris.” Hearing the voice of the DJ, Chris turned, in alarm, to look at Theresa. He didn’t think he had said anything too bad- so why was she playing the interview for everyone to hear?

“Hi, everyone,” his own voice answered. He sounded more nervous than he remembered having been, and he supposed it showed, as Joey simply hugged him tighter.

The first questions were easy, about the single, about how he had ended up opening for *N Sync. Chris still remembered how they had lured him into a false sense of security, right before the DJ threw the first bomb.

“It’s a big step going from teacher to singer, isn’t it, Chris?”

“A little, yes. I kept wanting to ask girls at concerts if they’ve finshed their homework.”

“And that would be your only interest in girls,” the DJ kept going. Chris sighed. He remembered thinking that had been the worst way to introduce the subject, but Theresa had warned him that something like that could happen. “Rumors around you say you’re gay.”

“Really? I hadn’t noticed there was a need for rumors,” Chris chuckled, hearing himself. Now that it was over, he could laugh, but he supposed that was why Theresa wanted them to hear the interview’: crash course on how not to answer sexuality questions. “I’ve been very open about whom I prefer to date, since I was in college.”

“So you are gay? You think it’s wise to say that when you’re just starting?”

“I think it would’ve been worse to lie from the start, don’t you? Now people know that I have no secrets, at all.”

“When you put it like that, it sounds like a good choice,” the DJ had laughed. Later, Dre, who had been acting as Chris’ security for the afternoon, since the guys weren’t going to leave the hotel, told Chris that some DJs tried to embarrass the new comers in their first interviews. At the time, Chris had found that his experience with know-it-all students had been helpful when he needed to divert the subject. “So, what is it like to be touring with four of the most sought after bachelors in America?”

“I don’t know. This is my first tour, so I don’t know if there are any differences from touring with other people.”

Next to Chris, Joey laughed at that, making Chris relax a little more. Until he remembered the next question the DJ asked.

“Well, then tell us, are you on the market, so to speak, or is there a Mr. Kirkpatrick waiting in your tour bus?”

Chris had laughed then, sincerely amused by the DJ’s absolute lack of tact. “That depends. Are you fishing for a date or just honestly curious? Because you have cute eyes, what are you doing after this?”

That had been the end of that particular line of questioning, as the DJ had become flustered and gone back to songs and future releases.

“What have we learned today, class?” Theresa asked, turning off the CD player.

They all looked at each other, puzzled. Chris was a little embarrassed, since he knew he didn’t have the guys’ experience in dealing with annoying questions.

“Flirting with the DJ makes them change subjects quick?” Justin ventured, only to receive Theresa’s angry glare.

“Justin, you’re not going to flirt with any DJ if you know what’s good for you,” Theresa said, sharply. “But yes. That’s the lesson. Turn the tables on them, and don’t answer anything you don’t want to answer. I loved that, Chris. I love your style, don’t ever change. I’ll be getting you in OUT before the year is done. I swear.”

“I won’t,” Chris promised, dubious. After she left, he turned to see the others. “Did I really do well?”

“Well, that DJ is probably going to be defending his manhood against you for the rest of your career, but it went well,” Lance smiled. “You didn’t let him make you say if one of us was gay, or deny yourself.”

Chris turned to look at Joey, really serious. That interview had been the first time when he had actively denied one of his partners. They always did it to him, and he had gotten used to it, even if it infuriated him. “I didn’t really mean it when I flirted with him. It was the only thing I could think of to make him drop the subject.”

“I know, Chris.” Joey kissed his neck, softly. They were still taking things slow, and when they were around the others, they rarely kissed. “Actually, I’m impressed. We still get stumped by some reporters when they start asking questions about our private lives, right, Justin?”

“Jerk,” Justin threw a potato chip at him from the bag he was opening. “It was just that one interview when I said I was dating Britney. And she didn’t deny it, so we’re in the clear now. It wasn’t a mistake.”

“Except that you hadn’t told your mom, or her parents, about it,” JC said, looking amused. “Who did know, anyway? Besides us?”

“Nick,” Justin muttered. “Nick always knew.”

* * *

They were in Ohio when Johnny informed them that they would be recording one of their concerts, at Madison Square Garden, for a special HBO presentation in just a month and a half, which made everyone really excited. From the crew, who had really worked hard to make the tour one of the biggest shows of the year, to the guys, who knew that having their very own HBO special was a huge step in their careers, to Chris, whose only care was, that, since his single was doing fine, he could bring his sisters to New York to watch the show and spend four days with them.

The only one who didn’t seem that excited was Justin, which led to many discussions among JC and Lance, in one of the buses, and Chris and Joey in their hotel room. They all were worried about Justin’s mood swings, but no one knew what to do about them.

“Maybe, if we recorded a collaboration song?” JC suggested to Lance one day.

It was surprising coming from JC, since he had spent so long making sure that Chris’ career wouldn’t cross paths with *N Sync’s, more than necessary.

“For his album? Then we’ll have sung together, at least, once and Justin will have gotten his wish, sort of.”

“That could help.” Lance nodded.

It wasn’t a bad idea, all things considered. Justin would have at least one song with his dream five member group, and the publicity would only help both *N Sync and Chris in the long run. On the other hand, if they didn’t sound terrible together, Justin could get it in his head that the five member thing could still work.

The buses had stopped for fuel, a couple of hours away from Cleveland. Justin had taken the chance to talk to Britney, since now that their relationship was more in the open, they could actually plan for dates at awards shows together. On any other occasion, Lance, JC and Joey would be ready to tease Justin about it, since they had been witness to the romance since Justin was 14, but this time, it was a perfect moment to discuss the other problems they had, without Justin listening.

“I would love that, guys, but I don’t think Johnny will agree,” Chris said, sighing. “He has pretty much all the tracks planned, so it would take a lot to convince him otherwise.”

“Maybe we could…” Whatever Joey was going to suggest was interrupted by the loud ringing of Lance’s cell phone. Getting ready for the inevitable teasing, Lance looked at the small window and frowned when he saw that the call wasn’t coming from the Kirkpatrick’s house or the cell phone he had given Molly at the beginning of summer.

“Hello?” he asked, cautiously.

“Fuck, thank God it’s you!” Lance recognized Nick Carter’s voice instantly, and inwardly decided to have a talk with Justin about sharing his phone number with his friends if he was going to have his own phone occupied.

“Hi, Nick, do you want to talk with Justin?”

“Hell, no,” Nick shook his head. “I’ve talked with Justin long enough, thank you! He’s calling me every day and that’s no way to convince Kevin that there’s nothing going on!”

Lance raised his eyebrow, confused about this new information. While he knew that Nick and Justin were close, there was nothing in their friendship that hinted toward anything more than just that. Unless of course, one took in account the way in which Nick practically draped himself around older guys, like Kevin, or Brian, or actually, all of the Backstreet Boys. This was an interesting development.

“So you want to talk to me?” Lance ventured. “How did you get my number?”

“Kevin gave it to me,” Nick said quickly. “He thinks I’m asking you about your schedule so I can give Justin a surprise visit. Which is kinda true, but not for the reasons he thinks. Is Justin with you?”

“No.”

“Cool. Look, we aren’t starting the tour until, October, I think, what with Kevin gone to Italy, and Brian being all a newlywed so, can I hang with you guys for a while? Justin is driving me insane, and I think I have an idea of how to help him. But I really don’t want to go over it by phone. Please? I promise I won’t bring Howie with me.”

“Wait a second,” Lance covered his phone and quickly relayed the whole conversation to the others. Joey only shrugged at the mention of Howie, which made Lance feel proud of his friend. He had taken quite well the fact that Chris and his ex were still friendly with each other.

“Nick could help us with Justin,” JC said. It obviously hurt him a little that Justin trusted Nick more than anyone in the group. “Justin said Nick knew everything about him, didn’t he?”

“Good point,” Lance answered, before turning his attention back to the phone call. “Nick? We’re about to reach Cleveland, and we’ll stay there for a couple of days. You think you can join us there, or do you need more time?”

“No, Cleveland is fine. I only have a week or so before we’ve got to go to Sweden, so I’ll see you there,” Nick answered quickly, before he hung up.


	19. Chances Are

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nick has a plan, Justin is depressed, Howie is still around.

“Nick!” Justin’s face lit up when he saw his friend walking towards them. The others had insisted on going clubbing together in Cleveland, of all places, and even though Justin was convinced that Chris and Joey would have preferred to be alone, he had agreed to go. He didn’t want them to suspect that he was still depressed. “What are you doing here?”

“Invading your tour,” Nick answered, hugging him. “With Brian and Kevin doing the whole ‘married without children’ thing; and Howie busy with Foundation work; that left me and AJ alone. Then I remembered ‘hey, everyone knows Justin and I are friends now’ and well, I thought it would be cool to be around without hiding.”

“I don’t know, Kevin could say that we’re corrupting you,” JC said, to Justin’s surprise. He hadn’t expected JC to agree that Nick could stay with them, much less to make a joke about it.

“We leave that honor to AJ, don’t worry,” Nick sat down, next to Justin, and just like that, the ice was broken.

“He’s not doing a great job, if you’re willing to hang out with us,” Justin said, shaking off his confusion. “Obviously, it’s a step up from hanging with them.”

“And if you say it, it must be true, right?” Nick playfully hit Justin’s shoulder, and took a drink of his beer.

“Of course,” Justin answered, making everyone laugh.

Seeing Nick joke around with his friends, made Justin smile. It was one of the good things that had come out of all his ruined plans. Maybe he hadn’t been able to get Chris into *N Sync, maybe he had completely misread Chris’ wishes, and almost destroyed *N Sync in the process. But now his friends were happy, and he figured he could be happy as well. He really didn’t have any reason to complain.

He just had to convince himself of that.

* * *

“Where’s Justin?” Joey asked, when Nick sauntered into the room he and Chris shared. He had been watching TV while Chris had his weekly phone call with Kate.

“Britney called him,” Nick said, smiling. “Do you think we can get Lance and JC in here?”

“Sure.” Joey went out to fetch his friends, wondering what Nick was up to. The fact that he was there had cheered Justin a little, but they all knew that it was only temporary. All jokes aside, no one in Jive would allow Nick to become a roadie for *N Sync. The Backstreet Boys would like their fifth member back sometime soon.

“I think we have half an hour or so before Justin hangs up,” Nick said, once they were all together. “So let’s be quick because if he gets it into his head that we don’t want him to hear our conversation, everything will get worse.”

Joey closed the door, so they would have some privacy.

“So, you know what’s wrong with Justin, right?” JC asked, with a worried frown “Because, he’s not talking to us about it.”

“I know.” Nick closed his eyes, and lowered his head. “Look, I know that you guys finally managed to get the idea out of his head that *N Sync should have been formed with you five, but that’s why he’s down. He really wanted that to happen.”

“You’re not going to suggest we let him think it still might work, are you?” Chris frowned. Joey knew that he was still worried about JC’s reactions whenever a DJ or a critic mentioned the slight connection between Chris and *N Sync.

“No!” Nick’s head jerked up. “No, that wouldn’t be good, either. My idea is much simpler. Look, you guys know what Justin wants, don’t you?”

“To be proven right?” Lance said, half-joking, half-serious. JC chuckled at that, and Joey wondered when they had gotten to the point where Justin’s eternal conviction of being right had become a joke. It used to be something they didn’t talk about at all. Joey knew he had never mentioned how much it bothered him because he thought the others didn’t mind, and he guessed that the same had happened with Lance and JC. And because they didn’t talk about it, what could’ve been easily fixed at the beginning had festered until their fight the day when Chris came to join the tour. But after the fight, when everything had come out, it had changed. They mentioned it, they joked about it, and now it didn’t hurt that much when Justin acted as if he was the only one who could be right.

Now that he thought about it, even Justin was making jokes on the subject now. And that, as far as Joey was concerned, was for the better, because jokes aside, they were closer than before. There were no more secrets among them, except for the uncertainty about Lance’s love life, which wasn’t really a secret. Even Chris was waiting for the day when Lance would admit that he was dating his Molly.

“We thought about it,” JC explained. “But we’re not sure if Johnny will agree to our collaboration on Chris’ CD and our next one is not even being planned yet.”

“And what about one live show?” Nick asked. “I’m not talking about a whole show. Just one song so everyone can see what Justin always dreamed of.”

“What do you mean?” Chris said, getting up from his seat on the single bed to get a soda from the room fridge.

“Oh, come on, it’s obvious.” Nick looked around the room as if he was expecting them to pick up on what he was saying. “All that talk about Chris’s dream was just to hide what Justin really wanted. He was convinced things were going to go his way and Chris was going to join the group. I don’t blame him, if it had been AJ or Howie, I would’ve wanted the same.”

“I don’t think you can compare the situations,” JC said, getting a little defensive.

“Back when we started, it was AJ, Howie, me and two other guys. Only those two other guys kept changing, so I spent most of my time rehearsing with AJ and Howie. If either of them had left back then, I’m sure I would’ve wanted him to come back at least for one show.”

“We could do that,” Lance mused, nodding slowly. Joey knew that smile. Inside Lance’s head, a plan was forming.

“I don’t think I can learn one of your songs before your tour is over. My knees wouldn’t take it,” Chris said, handing Joey a can of soda. “I wouldn’t have a problem with the lyrics, but the actual dancing would be out of the question.”

“Then what about one of our slow songs?” Joey ventured. While deep inside he didn’t believe it could happen, it wasn’t a really bad idea. If it worked, it would give Justin some closure.

And to tell the truth, he was a little curious as to how they would sound with Chris.

Of course, even if Chris, Lance and he were on board with the idea, there were three other people who would never agree.

“I think I know what would be the perfect song,” JC suddenly said, surprising Joey. It had never crossed Joey’s mind that JC would be willing to sing on a stage with Chris, even though JC had been the one to push forward the idea of collaboration. “And I know when the perfect time would be.”

* * *

The most complicated part of JC’s plan was keeping Justin in the dark for a month. That meant that while he was with *N Sync, Nick had to be the decoy.

While Chris, Joey, JC and Lance rehearsed every night, Nick kept going out with Justin, trying to keep him busy.

Clubs, dinners, late movies, looking back, he had gotten the worst part of the deal. Lance only had to convince Johnny and Theresa of their plan.

“You know that when Kevin comes back, he’s going to show up at our bus with a shotgun, right?” Justin asked, sitting down at their table. They had been out for three hours, and Nick was running out of excuses to stay. He had promised the guys he would keep Justin busy for four hours. “If he finds out you spent all your free time with us, he’ll insist on that stupid theory about you being in love with me.”

“I was hoping that you had a plan to make him understand that it’s not true,” Nick sighed. The truth was that he was just hoping that Kevin would forget about it. He hoped that there were other things more important to Kevin on his honeymoon than Nick’s love life.

“It would help if you were looking for someone,” Justin said, mindful of the fact they were in public. “Look, Nick, I know what you’re doing, and it’s ok. You don’t need to.”

“You… you know?” Nick repeated, startled.

“Yeah. You’re here to cheer me up,” Justin answered, smiling brightly. Nick bit back a sigh of relief, because it was true, even though it wasn’t the most important reason. And if Justin believed Nick was there to cheer him up, it’d keep Nick’s other mission secret.

“I’m fine. I just need a little time.”

“So, you’re really fine with all this now?”

“Yeah.” Justin looked down at his drink and Nick knew that was not the whole truth. “I mean, sort of. I just wanted him to sing with us, you know? Maybe next year we’ll be able to do collaborate or something. I just need a bit of time.”

Nick nodded, careful not to smile. He had heard Justin’s wishful thinking more than once, since it always came back to the same thing: singing with Chris. If the others did their part, Justin wouldn’t have to wait long.

* * *

“Absolutely not,” Johnny shook his head, after listening to Lance and JC. Joey and Chris were sitting at the far end of the office, listening to Theresa list all the reasons why it was a bad idea. “Forget it, you’re not doing it.”

“It could be a good thing for all involved,” Lance said, calmly. The four of them had spent some time figuring out the reasons Johnny would come up with for refusing to go along with their idea, and working out counter-arguments for all of them. It was a long shot, but they all wanted to give it a try. “First of all, it would be great publicity for Chris’ album.”

“And what would *N Sync get out of it?” Johnny asked, looking at Chris. “Don’t take me wrong, Chris. I’m all for ideas that will get you in the spotlight, but not at the expense of my other clients. Pulling a stunt like this, during a live TV presentation, without rehearsal, could just end up blowing up in our faces.”

“We have been rehearsing,” JC piped in. “It’s one of the slow songs, so there’s no choreography that can go wrong. And even if we’re planning to surprise Justin, we’re sure the show will go on perfectly. It sounds great so far, and when we add Justin’s voice, it will sound amazing.”

“It’ll also prove, once and for all, that Pearlman was lying when he claimed that he was the mastermind behind all this,” Lance added. This was his big selling point, and the one in which he personally was most interested in. Ever since the announcement of ‘Making the Band’, the knowledge that the man was parading himself as the one responsible for their success had been a thorn in Lance’s side. “Justin always talked about how he had the idea to form a group with Chris. The fact that Chris is here, that he sings, and that he’s our friend, will be enough in the minds of our fans. We just have to phrase the introduction carefully, so no one leaves with the wrong idea.”

“That would be good publicity, I’ll give you that,” Theresa agreed. “But it’s not enough to let you all make fools of yourselves on HBO. And I’m including you in this, Christopher.”

“It would also prove to some people that they don’t lip sync,” Chris said, quietly. Lance smiled at him, encouraging. “Hate to say this, but even some fans are convinced that every group that doesn’t play their own instruments can’t really sing live either.”

“And how this would prove that they can?” Johnny asked, looking quite unconvinced.

“Because if Justin is surprised, it will be obvious that it wasn’t rehearsed. Everyone knows he can’t act.” Joey got up from his seat, and walked towards Johnny. “Look, Johnny, you know it’s not a bad idea. Justin has been talking about Chris forever; even the fans have a lot of theories about that. And now that Chris is being promoted, and people know about him, the theories have gotten even crazier. It’s not only Justin who wants us to sing with Chris, the fans want to hear us singing together too, why not give everyone what they want? Just for one song, and then, well, we won’t ask for another collaboration again unless you want us to do one.”

“Last time I heard that promise, I ended up going to the Cauldron,” Johnny pointed out after a moment of silence.

“And didn’t that work out for the best?” Lance asked, smiling. That was true, for everyone involved.

“I want to hear you four sing, first.” Johnny looked at them all. There was a surprised expression on Theresa’s face. Lance sighed. They had won the first round. “If you don’t sound awful, I’ll consider the idea and pitch it to HBO, since they don’t like surprises. And exactly how are you going to make sure that Justin knows what to sing without telling him what’s going on?”

“We’ve got Nick working on that,” JC said, getting up. “So, can we show you how we sound now?”

“Now? Can you show me you don’t suck right now?” Johnny looked really unconvinced.

“We’ve been rehearsing for a week,” Chris explained, standing next to JC, waiting for Lance and Joey to join.

Three minutes and twenty five seconds later, both Theresa and Johnny agreed to the plan.

* * *

Chris sneezed when the makeup artist started putting the first layer of powder on his face. He still hadn’t gotten used to the long hours before every photo shoot where they would dress him up and get him ready to look ‘his best’; or, as he had put it to Joey one late night, ‘his fakest’. Joey had laughed, and told him to wait until he was booked for a TV show. Then he would know what fakest really meant.

In the meantime, he was getting ready for an interview with Tiger Beat, still going through the lyrics for Justin’s surprise in his head. Theresa had accompanied him, and was repeating all the things he was supposed to, and not supposed to say. At this point, Chris was seriously considering buying a tape recorder to save her some breath.

The interview went fairly quickly. By now, Chris was starting to understand why the guys offered him their condolences when he mentioned certain magazines or radio shows. Every interview had the same questions as the one before: Favorite color, favorite type of music, his perfect date. The girl doing the interview had even gone as far as to ask if he would ever consider dating a woman, a question that had never come up before, but that Theresa had predicted fairly early would appear sooner or later. Chris managed to field that one, and the always dreaded ‘so are you single now?’ question.

He hated that last one, because he still hadn’t found the best way to phrase that he wasn’t single, without risking outing Joey. And when the interviewer was a girl, he was never able to flirt his way out of the question.

“What about your past? Any big secret romances?” the reporter, who looked around Molly’s age, asked with a knowing smile. “Lost boyfriends you wish you could see again?”

“I can’t complain about my love life,” Chris answered, forcing himself to smile. “As everyone, I’ve had my moments. But even if I’m not involved with someone at the moment, I still have friends, and that’s all I really need.”

The reporter smiled, and turned off the recorder. “That will be all, thank you, Chris.”

“Oh, no, thank you,” Chris answered offering his hand. “It was fun.”

“You’re a lot nicer than I imagined,” she was still smiling, but it wasn’t the flirting smile that Chris had come to recognize whenever he saw JC or Lance give an interview. It was a smile less predatory. He was going to ask her what she meant when her cell phone started ringing. “Just a second.”

While the interviewer answered her phone, Chris turned to look for Theresa, who seemed engrossed with her own phone. That was another thing he was slowly getting used to, the fact that the only times when Theresa gave him her complete attention was when reviewing an interview gone wrong. When an interview went right, she only called him to schedule the next one.

“Mr. Kirkpatrick, can we get a couple more pictures?” the photographer asked, pointing to his camera. Chris nodded, a little wary. Before the interview started, he had posed for what felt like a thousand pictures. He still didn’t get why they took that many when only three or four were published.

“Chris?” The reporter was coming towards him, her cell phone still open. “I hate to ask you this but, well, my boyfriend is a fan of yours. Could you, you know, talk a little with him?”

“Sure,” Chris said, holding out his hand. It wasn’t the first time this had happened to him, someone asking to say hi to someone on the phone. Most of the time, the other person didn’t say anything more coherent than ‘Oh, I can’t believe it’s you’, but there had been a couple of very memorable ones. “Hello?”

“Hi, elf. Nice to hear you again.”

The only thing that stopped Chris from dropping the cell phone right then was that there were people around. The nice reporter, obviously Daniel’s girlfriend, had turned her attention to the photographer, but was still close enough to see if Chris decided to throw her phone through the nearest window.

“Daniel, there’s a restraining order against you. You’re not supposed to come in contact with me at all. Since I don’t want to make a scene, I’ll not report this to the police, as long as you hang up now.” Chris whispered, fiercely, trying to keep his temper.

“No, wait, please, Chris, listen to me, I’ll be quick,” Daniel sounded sincere. It had been almost six months since he had seen his ex lover, and that was time enough for someone to change a little. He had given Howard a second chance, and while Daniel had done a lot worse than Howard, Chris still figured he could let him say his piece.

“You have one minute.”

“I wanted to apologize,” Daniel said, quickly. “I was an idiot, and it took me losing you to realize that.”

“It’s ok, it was the best for both of us.” As he spoke, Chris looked at the reporter. She smiled to him, and there was something in her smile that made Chris believe that she really didn’t know why Daniel had asked to talk to him. That made things a lot easier. “Was that all? I’m a little busy.”

“Well, that and I wanted to ask you, would you rescind that restraining order? I would really hate to lose your friendship.”

If Chris hadn’t dated Daniel for so long, he might have believed that tone. If he hadn’t been through three years of being told that he was an idiot, only to be roped again into a relationship with Daniel, he might have wanted to give him a chance. As things stood, he did the only thing he could.

He laughed.

“I can’t believe you would ask me that,” Chris said, slowly. “You obviously haven’t changed much.”

“And you have?” And now there it was; Daniel’s old anger. Chris knew it very well. Every time things didn’t go according some private script Daniel had written in his mind, his ex got angry, and when he went past a certain point, he got violent. “Now that you’re this big star you think you’re too good to give me the time of the day?”

“No, Daniel. I was too good for you when we started dating; only I didn’t realize it.”

“Don’t you dare to laugh at me, elf,” Daniel half growled. “You’ve got a lot to lose if I decide to go public with our past.”

“Oh, Daniel, would you do that?” Chris laughed. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “I mean, it would be nice of you to accept we dated -almost six months after we broke up- but it’s also sort of useless as far as blackmail goes. Everyone knows I’m gay. The only one who is still deep in the closet is you. I bet you have some prime real estate in Narnia by now.”

“And what about your boyfriend, Howard?” Daniel interrupted him, now sounding really mad. “Wouldn’t the press be interested in knowing about your sordid past with a Backstreet Boy?”

Chris closed his eyes. Six months ago, Daniel’s threat would have carried some weight. But now he knew how the gossip business worked, now that he had spent time away and had gained some perspective of all the things he had done wrong while going out with Daniel, it was an empty threat.

“Which Backstreet Boy?” Chris asked, carefully. “You can say whatever you want to say, Daniel, but in the end, you have more to lose. If you try to leak a story that you’re not sure is true, because you know, Howard is not that rare a name, I can, very easily talk about my relationship with you, and show photos to prove it. Your girlfriend sounded very interested in my past love life, you know?”

“You wouldn’t dare!” Daniel practically spat in Chris’ ear.

“Goodbye, Daniel. Have a good life.” Chris smiled and hung up.

Looking at the phone, Chris sighed. The last time he had seen his ex boyfriend had been when Daniel had forcibly entered Chris’ house when Chris was having a fun evening with Justin and the guys. The first time Chris had been able to talk with Joey.

After that time, he had felt empty. Even when Daniel had been thrown out of his life, Chris had let himself be used and manipulated. If it hadn’t been for his sisters, he would’ve let Daniel keep using him as a door mat.

Now, however, he had to admit that he felt closure on the relationship. His life with Daniel was a closed book, and, unlike his past with Howard, it was something he would never have to revisit again.

* * *

Justin knew the others were planning something.

He had suspected something was going on ever since Nick joined their tour ‘visiting’, because it was weird that Nick would spend all his free time with *N Sync. And once Nick left, promising to return as soon as he could, Justin’s suspicions were cemented.

Before the impromptu visit, Nick called him once a week when he could. Justin called Nick almost every day, but that was because he’d been feeling miserable and in need of some cheering up. After the visit, however, Nick called him daily. Like a clock. At eight when they were on the road, at midnight when they had a concert.

Sure, he always had something interesting to talk about. Sweden was great in summer, and it was always fun to hear how Nick was driving his band mates nuts. But the fact that Nick never let him hang up before at least two hours had passed – and only when Justin was too tired to keep talking - was strange.

Justin was starting to believe that maybe Kevin wasn’t as wrong as Nick said he was, and that worried him. Nick was his best friend, and he didn’t want to break his heart.

Then there was the fact that the others seemed to spend a lot of time together when Justin wasn’t around. And while he was really happy that JC had finally warmed up to Chris, it was also a little weird, especially since every time he wanted to ask about it, his cell phone rang.

And while he was never going to accuse Britney of being part of the ‘let’s distract Justin’ brigade, it was funny how she also managed to call whenever it was too late in Europe for Nick to call.

“You ok, Justin?” Chris asked, handing him a soda. He had come to visit him and Lance in their bus for a change, which warmed Justin. He was sure that Chris would rather be with Joey.

“Just waiting for my phone to ring,” Justin answered, smiling. “Hey, can I ask you something, Chris?”

“Sure, go ahead.”

“Is there a way to know if a guy is in love with you?” Justin asked. He figured that if anyone would notice it would be Chris. Or Lance, but he wasn’t going to ask Lance about that. Mostly because he was pretty confident he could keep Nick’s identity secret from Chris. Lance would probably figure it out as soon as he asked the question.

“What?” Chris laughed, surprised. “Why do you ask?”

“Well, I have a… friend, who has a friend, who maybe…” Justin trailed off. He knew it was a lame excuse, but he really didn’t want to out Nick. Biting his lip, he decided to change his tactics. “Never mind that. How did you know Joey was interested in you?”

“I asked him.” Chris’ answer surprised Justin. He was aware that he had missed most of the romance between his two friends, but he hadn’t imagined it had been so simple. “I saw Joey one night at a club I used to go to. He looked familiar, but I couldn’t put my finger on why. Later, when this all began, I asked him about that night.”

“And that was it?” Justin laughed. He had pictured something more complicated, probably involving some sort of secret code to keep everyone from finding out.

“You’ll have to ask Joey if there was something more for him. In my case, it was just that.” Chris seemed to think seriously about something for a moment before continuing “But what about the friend of your friend?”

“I was talking about Joey,” Justin quickly answered, changing the subject. “And you. I was just wondering about you guys.”

Chris smiled at him, in the same way he used to do when Justin got the right answer on his homework back when they first knew each other. “Next time just ask, ok? I promise I won’t get angry.”

“I will, promise. Hey, did I show you the new game I got for my Gameboy? It’s great.” Chris’ attention averted, Justin decided he was not going to ask about Nick. If he couldn’t figure out what his friends were planning, he would ask Nick directly.

In all their years of friendship, Nick hadn’t lied to him about anything important, and Justin was pretty confident that Joey, JC, Lance or Chris wouldn’t do anything terribly bad to him.

* * *

Despite living in Albany for almost five years, Chris had only visited New York City two times in his life. The first time had been with his mom, when they thought she might get a job there. They had stayed with a friend of hers from high school for a week, and the only things Chris remembered clearly from that time was that Molly and Kate cried a lot and that the Empire State building in the horizon could be seen from their bedroom window. The second time had been briefly after getting his job at Emerson, when he and a couple of friends had gone to celebrate. That had been when he met Daniel.

It never occurred to Chris that they didn’t go to New York together afterwards because Daniel didn’t want to bump into people who knew him.

Coming to New York with the tour was different. Even without the surprise they were planning for Justin, Chris could feel butterflies flying around his stomach. His act wouldn’t be broadcast, true, but that didn’t change the fact that he was going to be performing at Madison Square Garden.

The mere thought was enough to make his knees go weak.

“Hey guys!” Nick’s arrival was very timely, as Chris was in the middle of talking himself into a nervous breakdown.

“Nick!” For the first time Chris could remember, Justin didn’t seem so happy to see his friend. “I thought you were in Sweden!”

“We finished everything earlier than we thought,” Nick answered, smiling. “The others will get some vacation time there, but I wanted to come and see your big HBO special live.”

“You’ve seen this tour four times already.” Justin didn’t sound very convinced, and Chris had to admit it was a very weak excuse. He knew that Lance had asked Nick to be there, but he didn’t know why. Chris guessed Lance had his reasons, but Justin was starting to get suspicious.

The rehearsals had gone great, and Chris was sure that everything would sound perfect, as long as Justin caught on to his part on time. And he couldn’t help but admire Lance, JC and Joey. They were ready to face public humiliation for their friend.

“Chris?” Theresa called his attention, waving her cell phone in front of him. “Your sisters are at the door. Security will get them here.”

“You ok?” Joey whispered in his ear, discreetly. They were in a private room but there were still too many people coming in and out for them to feel safe.

“I’m fine,” Chris whispered back, turning to look at him. “I just can’t believe we’re going to do this.”

“Me neither, but I trust Lance. He hasn’t led us wrong so far, has he?” Joey answered, hugging him lightly.

It was true, Chris agreed. Lance had pretty much helped them every step of the way. So he breathed deeply and tried to keep his nerves under control.

They had two hours before the concert started. It wasn’t the time to get cold feet.


	20. Affirmation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The plan comes together, and lose ends are tied up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God, it’s been a ride. I started this fic –this version of the fic- back in November 2005. I knew no one in fandom, and I was a bit terrified of participating. Now, almost a year and four months later, some of my best friends are people I met in popslash, I’ve finished four or five fics started after Story of Us, my friend milosflaca and I are running the Choey archive and wow. So, I want to thank milosflaca for being there and push me into doing instead of talking about doing, to jewelianna who was this baby’s beta for a long while, to pensnest and evilshelley for betaing to the end,to musiclover03 who was the second person who gave me feedback on this little epic, and made me the icon for the story, and to every single one of you guys who read this story despite the delays on updating. We’re finally done.

Justin watched Chris greet the audience after his first song and sighed. While the concert would be broadcast, none of the opening acts were included in the actual show. He knew that there was no reason to feel guilty for his good luck. Chris’s moment would come sooner or later, but still, he wished that everyone who was going to watch the special would also see and hear Chris.

He wished he could’ve talked to Johnny about that, convince him to get Chris’s act included somehow. But Chris was only one the three opening acts, and Justin couldn’t ask that Johnny give Chris special treatment. More importantly, Justin had promised he would stop trying to control Chris’s life, and he was going to do his best to keep that promise.

He hadn’t been so nervous since their first concert after they had left Transcon. What with all that had happened within the group, Chris and Joey being a couple without anyone finding out, Nick’s constant company and the fact that *N Sync’s concert was about to be aired live, it was a wonder he could remember his own name.

“We have ten minutes after Chris ends his last song, then the lights will go down and we’ll start with the countdown, is everything is ready?” Anthony was giving them last minute instructions, as if they hadn’t done it at least thirty times before, so Justin just nodded, watching Chris start the second song of his act.

Chris’s album would be released the last week of December. Then everything would depend on the public, and on Jive’s PR department.

Next year, when *N Sync starts working on their next album, Chris will, hopefully, be out on his first solo tour.

Justin closed his eyes and counted down from to ten. Chris had sworn that things weren’t going to change between them when the tour ended, and Justin understood that, as long as he was with Joey, Chris would be in touch. Justin knew that a long distance relationship could work. He and Britney were a perfect example of that.

But maybe it was different for gay men. Nick had only had one boyfriend since Justin had been friends with him, and that had lasted for less than three months.

Once again, Justin wondered if Kevin wasn’t wrong. Maybe Nick really was in love with him. If Nick was pining for Justin, that would explain why he hadn’t had a boyfriend for so long.

“Justin? What’s wrong?” Lance whispered, coming closer. As soon as Chris finished his act, they would be putting their harnesses on, and the time to talk would be over. Justin looked at Lance, a bit alarmed. He was convinced that Lance would take one look at his face and know everything that had been going through his mind.

“I’m just a bit nervous,” Justin lied. “You know. It’s HBO. We’re big.”

“We’ve been big for a while, Justin,” Lance said, smiling. “Everything will be fine, you’ll see.”

And of course, when Lance said it, Justin had to believe him.

* * *

Lance made his introduction speech for God Must Have Spent while the others took off their jackets. Everything was going perfectly, as planned, even though he knew this was the easy part.

As he sang, he kept his eyes on the audience. He knew that Chris and Nick were waiting behind the stage, but somewhere in the first row were Molly, Kate, and Emily. There were too many people and it was too dark to actually see them, but Lance knew they were there. Lonnie had escorted them in before Chris’s act.

They hadn’t been briefed on the plan, because there hadn’t been time when they arrived. Justin had been with them until it was time to go into the auditorium. So the girls would be surprised, too.

Lance smiled, picturing Molly, somewhere in the crowd below, a little worried because her brother hadn’t joined them. He felt bad for worrying her, but he was sure that the happiness she would feel upon seeing what they had planned would be worth a few minutes of worry.

God Must Have Spent finished quickly, and they rushed back behind the stage to change clothes.

“No sign of Nick or Chris,” thought Lance, getting out of his jacket. “Good. As long as Justin doesn’t see them, he won’t figure out our plan.”

“Everything on time, Anthony?” he asked, as he gave the shirt he was wearing to his assistant. Outside, the crowd cheered at the video they had prepared as an introduction to Tearing Up My Heart.

“To the exact second, as we planned. We’ll get everything ready during the beatbox routine. Although, for the record?” Anthony looked discreetly towards where Justin was jumping on the spot ready to get back on the stage. He lowered his voice. “I think all of you are insane. If you manage to pull this off? I don’t know why you need us around.”

“We wouldn’t be able to do it without your help,” Lance assured him, smiling back. The video was ending and the applause was becoming deafening so it was time to go out again.

Tearing up my heart was still one of Lance’s favorite parts of the show, despite the fact that some days he wished he could forget everything about the early days at Transcon. He had fun, the fans loved it, and every time they did the same act he remembered their first show, back when they were starting and not sure if everything was going to work.

It reminded him of their effort, of the sacrifices that they had made to get where they were.

Even though it hadn’t been their first song, for Lance, Tearing up my Heart symbolized the beginning of everything.

* * *

Joey ran backstage while Justin returned to do his beatbox routine. Everything was going according to plan.

Although, it would have been easier if the next song wasn’t It’s Gonna Be Me.

His wardrobe assistant helped him out of his No Strings Attached pants, and Joey sighed, catching his breath. Justin’s act sounded long, but the truth was, it only gave them a couple of minutes.

“He’s starting the duel,” JC whispered next to him. “You ok?”

“I’m fine. Have we decided how we’re going to distract him right after this? There’s no way he won’t notice someone else backstage.” Joey looked around. They had a minimum of people working there, to keep the changes of wardrobe as fast as possible.

“Lance said that Nick would take care of it,” JC answered, smiling and bouncing a little. Anthony gave them the signal and they went back out.

This was it, Joey thought as he started singing. Justin was either going to be very happy or kill them all.

When the song finished, they all went inside again, to give their crew time to put out the couches and lamp for I Drive Myself Crazy. He was the one who gave the introduction to that one, so he was going to miss seeing whatever Nick had planned to distract Justin.

Joey just hoped that Nick’s plan didn’t involve tying Justin down. That would definitely distract Justin, but would ruin their show if Justin didn’t come out to sing again because he was busy trying to seriously maim Nick.

* * *

Nick approached Justin the instant the group got back from It’s Gonna Be Me. Chris was ready, but he needed to cross the small space between the wardrobe racks and the stage curtain behind Justin in those short seconds and the only way Justin wasn’t going to see him was if there was a big distraction.

“Justin, do you have a second?” Unfortunately, he didn’t have much of a distraction planned yet.

“Nick, now is so not the time,” Justin whispered to him, between his teeth.

“Just a second, please, it’s important!” Behind Justin, Nick saw Chris run towards the curtains. 50 seconds.

“I’m in the middle of a show!” But Nick knew that Justin was a good, loyal friend. And if he had 40 seconds to spare, he would spare them.

“I know, but… you know, I just…” Nick watched as JC helped Chris hide behind the second set of curtains, away from the public’s eyes, but still in Justin’s line of sight. Nick was not a very good liar. Especially not when it came to lying to Justin.

“So, I’m totally alone at my bus, right?” Nick said quickly, biting his lower lip. “And I realize that I don’t have anyone to love. And then comes the night, and the day, and the night again, and I’m still alone.”

“Nick, I feel your pain, I really do… But I’m in the middle of a concert!” Justin hissed, starting to turn around.

“I’m never going to find love!” Nick theatrically sighed and hugged Justin, forcing him to look at him and not at the stage. “I’m starting to consider sleeping with Howie!”

“Shit, Nick… that’s bad, but…” Justin stepped back, just in time as Chris disappeared behind the curtain, giving Nick thumbs up. 10 seconds

“Yeah, I know, but you know what? You’re right. You have to go. Talk to you later!” Nick practically pushed the startled Justin out, who stumbled a little as he went back onto the stage. Justin didn’t even realize Chris was there.

It was show time.

* * *

JC watched as Joey and Justin did their usual routine to make the fans scream as loud as they could, and took a deep breath.

Usually, Justin introduced I Thought She Knew, once the fans quieted down a little, but Lance had managed to convince everyone that JC should do the introduction during the special, since they had to change it a little. He waited until Justin finished his lines. Justin was so intent on looking at the public that he never noticed that their crew had taken the big red couch away. Which was perfect, because that was the moment the curtain opened a little too wide, letting Chris out onto the stage.

“But on a deeper note,” Justin was saying, cueing JC to join. “I can remember when we started this group, five years ago, I was only fourteen years old, and I think I can speak on behalf of all four of us that we never, ever in our wildest dreams, ever imagined we could go this far.”

“We certainly didn’t,” JC said, taking the microphone. “I remember all those days, rehearsing at the old warehouse. So thank all of you for all your support, we would’ve never done it without you.”

JC took a deep breath when the public’s applause started to lower in volume again. This was it, no more stalling.

“And since today is such a special date, thanks to HBO, and with all our fans here and watching on TV, we’ve got a surprise for you, Justin,” JC said, smiling as Justin turned to stare at him in astonishment.

“A surprise?” Justin repeated, looking behind him at Joey who was smiling too. “What surprise?”

“Well, I remember back then, how you always wanted to invite someone else into the group, only we couldn’t find him anywhere,” JC continued, looking at the audience and the cameras. “Until now, that is. So, we asked Chris if he would join us for one very special song.”

“Hi, Justin,” Chris said, walking around to stand between JC and Justin. He was wearing grey pants and a grey cammo tank shirt that fit right in with all their outfits. “Surprise.”

“Chris!” Justin looked at them all, obviously not knowing what to say. He paused for a brief second, and JC could hear Anthony on his earphone instructing Justin to follow along. “What… I mean…which song?”

“You know which song,” Joey said, getting a bit closer. “Our first song.”

Justin swallowed nervously, and turned to look at the audience, smiling weakly. JC realized that they had managed to render their friend completely speechless. Justin bit his lower lip, and, just as he did every time he really didn’t know how to react, laughed nervously.

“Sorry,” he said to the fans, who had been silent to that point and started yelling excitedly as he spoke. “It’s just… you guys really know how to surprise me. I don’t know… heck… I just… wow.”

“You ok, Justin?” Chris asked, putting his hand on Justin’s shoulder. The audience went nuts, and JC realized that they also knew how important this was for Justin. All the girls had followed Justin’s constant comments about Chris and how much he wanted to have Chris in *N Sync. They understood why it was important for Justin.

“Yeah, I’m fine. So… I Thought She Knew?” Justin smiled. “You want the first solo?”

“Nah, that’s yours,” Chris joked. “I can get the fourth stanza, I’m fine with it.”

Justin looked as if he wanted to say something more, but through the earphones, Anthony reminded them all that they had to keep going or the show could drag over, and they couldn’t drag a tv special, so he just nodded and turned back to the audience.

“Y’all have no idea of how long I’ve waited for this moment,” Justin said, smiling brightly. It was not Justin’s ‘Everyone loves me’ smile, not even Justin’s ‘I love my life’ smile. It was one far more honest, and JC figured that it was the same smile a kid would get upon seeing the one gift his parents had told him he couldn’t have, waiting for him under the Christmas tree. “These guys are the best. They always give the best surprises, but I was pretty sure they wouldn’t ever do this. Not in a million years. You all know JC, Lance, and Joey are my brothers... but Chris is like, my long lost brother too. I just… well, you know. Hope y’all forgive me if my voice breaks a little.”

JC took a deep breath. He knew they sounded good with Chris, as they had used Justin’s voice track during rehearsals, but it was different live.

They sang the harmony together, and as Justin took the first solo, his eyes watered a little. The melody passed to JC, and Justin smiled.

They really sounded great.

* * *

Johnny Wright and Theresa Rourke watched their clients on the stage as Joey took the second verse. While they still could have used at least one rehearsal with Justin, who, despite being surprised, and obviously touched, wasn’t letting the song suffer even when he looked ready to cry from happiness.

The sound was different, as Chris’s voice blended perfectly with JC and Joey’s, while providing a very good contrast with Lance’s low bass. Usually Joey took the descant giving the four voices harmony a strong support, but Chris’s higher tone helped to make the song richer. While Johnny wasn’t sure the five man arrangement would work in any of the other *N Sync songs, in this one, Chris fit almost like a glove. It had been a good call by JC, five voices worked a lot better than four for it.

“What are you thinking, Mr. Wright?” Theresa asked, as Chris sang the third solo, his voice rising high and clear, still harmonizing with the rest. “Was this a mistake?”

“No.” Johnny shook his head. There was a silence when the guys paused, and the girls screamed with delight. “Hell, don’t tell Justin I said this, but hearing them? I have to admit he might have been right. It would’ve been great.”

Epilogue.

This I promise You.

The cover of the People Magazine had a white background. That was the only thing that Joey didn’t mind. At least, it wasn’t pink, like the horror they had used for him in the Rolling Stone’s photo shoot back in 2001. The yellow letters proudly proclaiming that he was gay were what really annoyed him.

“I never told them that,” Joey said, for the fourth time that day, as he joined Chris on the couch of their house in Orlando. “I swear I didn’t.”

“I know, Joe,” Chris leaned in, kissing him softly on the lips. “But you have to admit that ‘I’m bi’ won’t sell as well as what they printed.”

They had been together for almost six years already, and every day, Joey was amazed by their luck. Once the No Strings Attached Tour ended, Theresa had put Chris in a new tour, smaller, all around the country, so Joey and Chris hadn’t been able to see each other as much as they wanted. But even so, their relationship had stayed strong.

“What I would like to know is, why now?” Lance asked, coming out from the kitchen with a tray of sandwiches. Why he made so many, Joey was afraid to ask. In six years, Lance’s creepy way of predicting people’s actions had only gotten creepier. “I know it wasn’t because you were hurt by rumors, because there were no rumors. No one even suspected you, while some people are still thinking I married Molly in a desperate attempt to hide my secret relationship with Chris. By the way, Chris… did I ever thank you for saying you were dating me back in 2002?”

“It was a joke, and I apologized the next day,” Chris said under his breath.

“That was part of it,” Joey said, grabbing one of the sandwiches. “The rumors about me, and hundreds of girls I’ve never met. And the rumors about Chris and whoever they wanted to drag out of the closet next, including you. And frankly, everyone important in my life knows. You guys, my folks. So why keep on hiding?”

“That’s a better answer than the one they printed,” JC said from his place on the other couch. “Why didn’t you tell them that instead of making it sound like it was because now it couldn’t hurt our careers?”

“We were a little afraid of that, weren’t we?” Joey defended. That was true too. During the first year, after he came out to his friends, he had been jumping at every shadow and nothing Chris or Lance told him helped to convince him that no, there wasn’t a newspaper waiting to publish an “Exclusive” on *N Sync’s gay orgy.

Before JC could answer, the door bell rang loudly. Chris got up from his seat, squeezing Joey’s hand lightly as he did. They weren’t really expecting any visitors, but on the other hand, they both knew that all their friends and family would want to comment on Joey’s very public announcement.

So far, his mom had called to tell him she was proud of him, his agent had quit, his brother wanted to know if it was ok if he and his new girlfriend went to see them next week, and Lance to inform them that he and JC were coming to visit.

And a lot of screened calls from the press who wanted to know about everything else.

“Hi, Justin,” Chris greeted as he opened the door. Joey groaned. This was a discussion he really didn’t want to have at the moment.

“Why do you guys hate me?” Justin asked, coming into the living room, sitting on the only free couch left, and grabbing one of Lance’s sandwiches. Joey rolled his eyes. So Lance was expecting Joey and Chris to get more visitors. That was not good. “Lance, JC, hi.”

“We don’t hate you, Justin. Stop paying attention to the rumors you read on the ‘net,” Joey said. He had long ago stopped trying to figure out what Justin was talking about, more or less, when he realized that Justin was always on a different script from the rest of the world. As long as he let him keep talking, sooner or later, it would make sense.

If that failed, Lance was there. Lance could translate Justin-logic into Earth-logic.

“I was at Starbucks with Cam, getting some coffee, when a guy from some magazine shoves a microphone in my face and asks me what did I think of your relationship with Chris and you coming out,” Justin continued, glaring at Joey. “Why didn’t you tell me you were coming out?”

“Justin, I called you, left messages with everyone, when I couldn’t reach you personally,” Joey said, confused. “I’ve been planning this for four months.”

“You did?” Justin looked embarrassed. “I… shit, I thought you were calling about that project you and Lance were talking about before.”

“Have you read the interview?” Chris asked, handing Justin the one copy that they had been discussing earlier.

“Not really,” Justin took the offered magazine and flipped it open. “Please tell me you didn’t mention I was an idiot who didn’t realize what was going on under my nose.”

“I carefully edited that part,” Joey laughed as Justin found the interview and started reading out loud.

“Did you tell your bandmates?” Justin read, “Not at the beginning. I had too many things on my mind and I was not sure of how they would react. But Lance figured it out pretty quickly, in fact, he told me he knew one day, and a couple of months after that, I told both JC and Justin. And they’ve supported me all the way ever since then.

Was there ever pressure to keep it a secret? No, never. PR didn’t know, and I didn’t tell Johnny, our manager, until much later. I was more worried about the fans’ reaction than anyone else.”

“See?” Joey smiled, conciliatory. “I wasn’t going to tell them how it all really happened. Besides, it mostly went as I said. I told you guys, you really didn’t care one way or the other, and helped me and Chris. End of the story.”

“Ok, I should’ve read the interview before coming over,” Justin said, giving Chris the magazine back. “Am I forgiven?”

“There’s nothing to forgive,” Joey answered, getting up to refill everyone’s glasses. “Are we waiting for anyone else, Lance?”

“Probably Nick,” Lance answered smugly, counting in his head. “Molly will drop by as soon as her classes are over, and I know that Howie is in town, so he’ll come too.”

“You should be opening your own private detective agency.” JC shook his head, amused. “Obviously, the music business wasn’t your true calling. If you hadn’t been singing with us, you would be the best spy in the world. How do you know they are going to come?”

“I read on the internet that Howie is going to have a dinner event next week here in Orlando, so it follows that he is here now,” Lance explained, looking amused. After the No Strings Attached tour, he had promised the guys that he would explain how he came to the conclusions he drew, as long as someone asked. “And I saw Nick with a friend yesterday when I was shopping for Molly’s birthday gift.”

“A friend, or a ‘friend’?” Justin asked, curious. Nick had spent a lot of time with *N Sync when the Backstreet Boys had their first brief hiatus at the beginning of 2001. Although no one had realized it, by the time the Black and Blue tour started, the other group had a lot of internal problems and Nick was taking advantage of his friendship with Justin to hide from them. And when AJ announced early that spring that he was an alcoholic and was checking himself in rehab before things got more out of hand, Nick had told Joey, Lance, Chris and JC that he was gay.

“I couldn’t ask him, but I think they’re pretty close,” Lance said, which Joey knew was the closest thing to ‘I don’t know’ in Lance’s vocabulary. “They have been seen together a lot lately.”

“Oh, you mean Reichen?” Chris nodded. “We met him last year, when Joey was thinking of buying a house in L.A. He’s a nice guy.”

“He could stand a Richardson-Littrell drilling session,” Joey agreed, sitting back next to Chris.

* * *

All of Lance’s predictions came true. Molly was the first one to arrive, playfully hitting her brother with a People magazine as she came.

“Everyone in the office was talking about this today,” she explaining, hugging Joey. “Even my boss wants an autograph on her copy.”

Howie arrived half an hour after Molly. After *N Sync had started their eternal hiatus, Joey and Howie had reached a neutral point in their relationship. Howie called Chris a couple of times every month, and he had gone to see Chris perform many times. Time had helped heal the wounds of everyone involved, and four years later, Joey could honestly call Howie a friend.

It was around two, when Joey started to think about ordering pizza and calling the impromptu reunion in their house a party, when Nick and Reichen arrived.

“What are you thinking about?” Chris asked, leaning next to him on the deck. They had moved in together a month after Chris’s first solo tour began, and ever since then, Joey had stopped thinking about the place as *his* house. It was *theirs*.

Which was the other reason why he didn’t really want to move to LA or anywhere else. He and Chris hadn’t actually talked until that trip to Albany, but still, Joey considered Orlando the place where everything had started. He couldn’t help it; he was a closet romantic.

“Oh, you know. Everything,” Joey answered, looking at the beautiful view of the sea, outside. Below them, there was a huge splash. Nick had just pushed Justin into the pool, making everyone laugh. Justin surfaced, yelling at Nick and promising revenge. They were 25, and still acted 15. “How lucky we are and all that.”

“Is that all?” Chris laughed, as Justin retaliated and pulled Nick into the pool. Nick tried to grab Reichen for support, but since the tiles were wet and slippery, Reichen slipped and they both fell into the pool with Justin.

“Yeah, I mean… sometimes I wonder what would’ve happened if we had talked back when we were working here, or if you had gotten tenure at Emerson and decided not to sign with Johnny, you know, stuff.”

“You’re right. We’re lucky,” Chris nodded, smiling. “Race you to the pool?”

Joey didn’t have time to answer before Chris took off, running down the stairs of the deck, so he started running too, trying to catch up with him.

Life was good. His acting career was slowly moving forward, Chris’s fifth album was scheduled to be released a month after Justin’s second solo cd. JC’s second album sounded great, even if Jive still hadn’t given him a release date. Lance’s production company was slowly starting to work out after a couple of false starts. As he had been telling everyone that day, he was happy, his friends were happy.

And when Chris turned around to smile at him, Joey knew he couldn’t ask for anything more.

The End.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final notes, aka, the spoilery thank yous: The scene of Nick hugging Justin to ‘distract’ him comes from milosflaca’s imagination as I was completely blocked and had no idea of how to make that work. The night, and the days, and the nights, are her babies. Also, she was the one shipper of Molly/Lance. They started as very good friends in the fic, and then Au mentioned that she could really see them together, so the marriage was born. Not for this chapter in particular, I decided that it sounded like a good idea around chapter 10. So there’s a het story behind the scenes that I might write one of this days. Nick/Reichen at the end was also her, as I wasn’t sure if I wanted Nick or Howie to have a partner in 2006. Even when she’s *the* Chris/Howie Shipper, she voted Nick. So, Nick/Reichen. And now I’m really done. :)


End file.
